Its been a long time

More Snow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Last night I was thinking ‘profound’ things as I tried to sleep. Quite a while ago my Zyprexa was decreased and I didn’t go crazy. My brain was relieved and thinking became easier. When I focus on how my brain feels now it does not feel dulled. Well maybe a little bit dulled… My parents even told me that my eyes look alive again. (I had been told that my eyes were cloudy a long time ago. I knew that I felt this way, but the comment upset me because there was nothing I could do about it.)

Weeks ago, while sleeping, an old daydream I had popped into my head (from when I was storing up a story even if I never meant to write it.) I had stopped thinking of this daydream years before I even went to college, but I was so happy that it was in my dream. For two days I was caught up in the story. I lived life still, but at every chance my mind was full of fantasy. Then I got bored of this, and I only think about it sporadically.

I wonder sometimes if I am a good enough writer to convey it, but I think that, even if I was, it has been over thought. All the ideas and years would weigh it down taking away a free feeling. Perhaps I would be better off finding something new.

I have been told that I am a good writer, but all I write based in my life. I spend very little time writing any fantasy. As my sister told me, ‘it is not skill that makes my writing good, but that it is filled with fresh ideas.’ Or at least that is how I understood what was said. I have a unique way of saying things as well, but if I added skill maybe that would disappear.

Finally an update on sleep! I have been sleeping much less, but still too much. I was set up to take a sleep study, but my daytime sleepiness wasn’t great enough for insurance to cover it. I tried to explain that I was able to sleep a lot now and that is the reason I wasn’t always sleepy. This kind of thing does not show through on a questionnaire. No sleep study for me.

The concept of a sleep study gave me momentary hope, but when insurance wouldn’t cover it I cried. I was then told that there was a free test that covers two kinds of sleeping disorders, and maybe if I passed/failed I could have the study.

My disorder was not one of the two in the free test. To add onto this the person who recorded my test told me that in no way should I think that I didn’t have a sleeping disorder. There are about 20 sleeping disorders and this only covers two. I shouldn’t be sleeping the amount that I do, and
in the future another Dr. might ask for a sleep study again. Plus, I have the facial features of someone with such a disorder.

After being turned down a weird kind of anger popped up. I thought this is the anger of someone who abuses a wife. (Don’t worry I had no anger to physically hurt anyone.) It scared and confused me that I could feel this way and it was a pretty quiet walk to the door. (The person walked me to the elevator and took me to the right floor.) In the car anger finally turned to tears, and when I was home I had to get on the treadmill to push them away. At night I cried again.

The thought that I could have a sleeping disorder and nothing could be done about it, and that I had already sleep so much of my life away kept me crying for quite a while. I reasoned that I had tried to kill myself so I was in no position to worry about losing so much of my life.

As for the strange anger I want to talk with a therapist about it. It is on the list of things to bring up when I finally have another visit. I think that it is a very human reaction, but what I could become if I reacted this way is not good. I think of it as a sign that I would not be a good girlfriend. Not that my mental and sleep disorders are not enough of a sign on their own. My sister thinks that I, unlike many people, have great kindness, but it seems like she is wrong.

My heart feels sad now. As I also feel bad about not exercising enough to make up for the long time I am inactive (sleeping). Sometimes my body feels like it needs movement. My body wants to run. My legs never agree with that though, and I end up walking uphill.

I (as always) turned a happy post into a sad one, but I haven’t posted in a while so good and bad things add up. I also haven’t had therapy since summer so bare with me. I just wanted you to know.

Had this as a draft for some reason

Morning is a wonderful time when you have the time to experience it. All time is wonderful when you are not sleeping it away. I have my clock fixed and the only thing I need to do is to keep it in working order. It is just so easy to go to bed a little later each day.

In many ways I have resigned myself to sleeping beyond a certain point. It gets better. Slowly with less and less medication (un-needed medication) I am gaining hours. Yet once again I have hit a wall.

My wall is as follows:

I cannot handle to much medication because of my liver. At the same time Zyprexa is raising my cholesterol. I cannot get on cholesterol medication because they are bad for the liver. I would like to try other medications to see if I sleep less on them, but the ones available are worse on cholesterol and blood sugar... or stuff like that.

Now that I have been sidetracked to sadder thoughts lets remember how nice the morning is. How the leaves cover the ground and need to be racked up. The crimson king (at least I think it is a crimson king) has leaves that turn yellow. Which reminded me of how much I would like to grow some red maples...

Meow

It appears that my medication trails are at a stalemate. My liver cannot handle much (apparently) and I am told that the anti-psychotics I haven’t tried raise cholesterol and blood sugar more then Zyprexa. Plus cause more weight gain.

So I have to wait until the solution is created… (ie better medications come out, and are readily accessible)

*People who have trouble taking medications please stop reading this post*

Right now the solution to psychosis feels to me like it is just putting that part of my brain to sleep. I have to wait until scientists come up with a better solution… I just a vision of someone opening up a scull to put in a device that regulates chemicals (As a moderator in a support group said some people were researching.). Somehow this upset me. Picturing a machine controlling the workings of my mind, but then again how is it different from medications?

I am a lab rat. What is learned through me (and other people with mental disorders) is the most dangerous of dangerousness. Splitting the atom did not seem to be a bad idea. Making sure every brain is perfectly oiled (like a brain new car!) so there is no suffering (at least among the rich) will change society. That change is exactly what I am afraid of.

I was born with a brain so creative it was unstable. No creative is the wrong word. The term ‘creative’ is a cop-out.

I was born with a thick wall between others understanding me, and well… myself. My family never questioned. Accepting my ‘weirdness’ completely. Yet I was not as lenient as my family. I straggled with language all my life… some would say I was of the ‘artistic’ mind, but no I am (or was) both brained (right and left).

I became creative because I had to adapt to a world that I somehow did not fit in with. So I wasn’t born creative, but different and from this difference came my instability. I was able to survive (maintaining my life stability) with a mental illness for 20 years. You want to know something? That school year up until the very end I was sleeping a good 8 hours. Even though I was in college. I went to bed at the same time and woke up at the same time.

What am I saying? My sanity broke apart more at that time then ever before and that is what lead me to stay up. Throughout the year, in little bits it would show itself (my underlying insanity). And it came out in ways that I find strangely familiar to other family members (one was on medication for a while, but stopped).

Before the 4th

This green tea is so weak now that I am used to Matcha. Sigh. I wonder if I will be doing anything for the 4th. I know I will get on AIM! I guess my sis is working hard… or on lunch.

I haven’t had my time of month for a long time now. I feel like it is never coming again, but that cannot be so… or at least my hormones would be really messed up if it didn’t come back. I didn’t think to mark the last time I had it, but around the time of my last Doc appointment (the 12 of June... that cannot be right as that was less then a month ago.) a) I was thinking that it had been an extra long time since my last period… I thought it was due to the decrease in Zoloft, but I am not so sure anymore.

All I know is that it is a sign that I am very unhealthy at the moment, but like always I deal with things with patience. I am patiently getting more and more unhealthy. :) Anyway, I like how I feel right now. Thanx caffeine in the morning. Thanx Fish oil in the morning. Thankx. I feel not tired, and my brain does not feel dull, but almost normal.

I… so much has changed. I wonder if my eyes spackle yet. My Dad said my eyes look duller then they used to. The other day we were talking about a poem where this dude has this extreme religious experience (if it were real it would have been called a hallucination) and this dude says that this sailor had seen so much hard stuff sailing that he didn’t believe that his eyes could glisten. Picturing my religious experience while I was in the mental hospital I asked, “Do my eyes glisten?” I wanted an answer, but everyone just laughed.

I wonder why my Doc. hasn’t called me yet. On last Fri I had my liver scanned, and I was told that I would get an answer in two days. Now it has been almost a week. Do you think there is something, and they are getting a second opinion, or maybe something so bad they want to wait until after the holiday to tell me! Nah, I am sure it was so unimportant that my Doc. just forgot to call, or is too busy to bother just yet.

I would call but my phone went from three bars to out of all power in a matter of seconds. Three bars is full energy. So my conversation with my Mom was cut short. Still before my battery died I learned that she has not heard from the Doc.

It doesn’t matter what the Doc. says, I know that my body has been saying, bo who, for a long time now, and the Doc’s don’t see it at all. They think it is just medication, and even then the changes are very slight. ‘Your liver is bad so we will decrease this, and how about this.’ I cannot believe that my legs and feet are fine, but whatever.

As for how much I sleep: my Doc says it is the medication, while my pDoc says she is more glad to hear that I am sleeping more then average, and not less. I wonder if my sleeping problem has nothing to do with my medication, but my Doc tells me that one of my medications is used to help elderly patients sleep in the nursing home. Poor elderly people, I would not wish such extreme medication on anyone.

When your foot starts hurting in the night

Do not pay attention to as follows:

“If you are too young for medications try to use natural means of fighting the depression. Sunlight. Exercise, Fish Oil, Vitamins, Minerals, Nature Made has a group of Vitamins, Minerals that might help you. Look on the back of Mult-her/him to see if it has Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid (because rumor has it this is the next Fish Oil for Depression). Otherwise get the Maximin Pack.

If the screening says you are not Bipolar then you can also use St. Johns Wort, and Mood Plus Sam-e. If you are perhaps you could find a psychiatrist to guide you in the use of Sam-e, but people with Bipolar disorder should stay away from St. John's Wort.”

Apparently, I have no idea about how to be healthy because my foot was in dire condition yesterday. It got so bad that for a while I was crawling around. My cell phone disappeared this morning so I will have to look for it. Anyway, I was panicking and picturing myself crawling up to Monday class I asked my sister if she had a crutch. My other sister went out and picked up two canes.

This morning a call from my Mom me woke me. (I couldn’t get up into my loft so I couldn’t use my alarm clock. I slept on the sofa.) It was almost time for class. I couldn’t miss another class because I had missed so many. So I used the ride I had set up with my sister the night before. I felt bad about this, and she hated me for it. And she hated me for having to go out and get canes when what do you know the next day I was walking. Yes, I was a little wobbly, and I don’t know if I should go to a Doctor. I guess if it happens again I have the canes.

I had to stop taking vitamins and minerals in case one was interacting with a medication, but I’ve known that I have circulation problems for a long time. That’s it. I am so thirsty.

Okay, I am back and I have a Mighty Mango. My ‘sick’ day yesterday was interesting. I would say it was more worry then pain. My heel is still complaining, but it is still walk’able. Teach me to exercise.

“Although PVD is not heart disease, it is often the first sign of blood vessel problems that may lead to coronary artery disease. The most common symptom of PVD is pain in the feet, legs or buttocks that first is noticed during walking or other exercise. The pain almost always goes away when the person rests.” –Heart Rhythm Society

Here is my wager: It is not the medication. I have had pain in my feet ever since the first time I started to exercise. It is the weight gain due to the medication that has made it worse. This problem has slowly gotten worse until what do you know just walking triggers it.

No it cannot wait, like my sister says. Problems with the circulation can be death. If I were suicidal I wouldn’t even wait due to the danger of it all.

All I can do is wait. I called my pDoc. She said to see a doctor today, but if my leg started hurting too, to call 911. I’ll be fine though. All the doctors will tell me is that I am at an increased risk of a heart attack, or stoke and to exercise and eat healthy, right? Yet, the peace of mind would be worth the walk.

Let me look that up.

“Peripheral vascular disease is characterized by narrowing of the arteries, reducing blood flow to the legs, arms, brain and other organs. The cause, in most cases, is atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). The arteries become narrowed by cholesterol-containing fat (plaque) that builds up and hardens inside the arteries. People with peripheral vascular disease are at high risk for heart attack and stroke. While peripheral vascular disease is common — about 10 million people in the United States are affected — only about one in four is diagnosed and receives treatment.” –Mayo ClinicIt says little about treatment, but it says there is treatment. Meaning I should go see a doctor. So it isn’t my lack of good research about natural ways to help with depression, but inside it is my own body saying, “I have been complaining for years. I’m going to make your foot hurt because you have high cholesterol and you gained weight and I don’t like it. Oh, and that medication that can raise cholesterol? Yes, the medication that makes you sane? Say goodbye to stability. Oh and that exercise that enabled me to make your foot hurt? It saved your life.”

Should I skip the student health system, that tells me if I should go to a doctor, and just go to a doctor?

“Vitamins
Folate, B-6 and B-12 are vitamins that help to decrease homocystine in the blood. In specific situations, other dietary supplements may be prescribed, such as L-arginine and Omega-3 fatty acids.” –Mayo Clinic
The wondrous impact these vitamins where having on me must have been what helped with my mood. It got my blood flowing, literally. Omega-3’s seem to help as well, and Grape Juice says on the front that it is good for the heart. The mystery of my depression has been solved, and it’s all in the veins.

I wonder how many people are depressed because of circulation problems. I just vented to a friend in the studio right by me. I feel better now. My circulation has speed up.

You know, I’ve always wondered (since High School) why doctors didn’t say anything about my heart when they listened, just because my heart had started to feel different. I wonder what it will feel like to have legs that don’t hurt when you exercise, or walk at the same speed as everyone else.

Good day, I will had a cat picture later.

Sigh,

Early in the morning I dropped something off at my consoling office, a referral in fact. Wind gently blowing in my face I walked to Panera with my brother. My brother, as always, playing the role of the older sibling paid for my bagel and cream cheese. We sat by the window as the light of the second half of winter poured in. It was good bagel I have to admit, but not as good as Big Apple Bagels, I’ve never had a bagel as good as Big Apple Bagels. In High School I used to pick up Big Apple Bagels to sell in the morning before classes for the Art Club. Bagels and Donuts. I was complemented once for my taste in Donuts. Dunk’in Donuts.

Now? Now I am in Barnes and Nobles. What? There is a college bus over there! The college bus doesn’t go out here (I think) if it does I’m take’n it. It is so peaceful here I think I will take my fish oil now. Yum supplements washed down with coffee. Not espresso, no. I’m switching back to coffee. I can use fake sugar and less milk that way. My brother is grading 8th graders papers right by me right now.

Reach down deep inside yourself. Close your eyes and read the letters floating around in the red glowingness. I wonder why people say when they close their eyes they see nothing. When it is dark and I close my eyes I can faintly see a greenish yellow light twisting. When it is quiet I always hear the ringing in my ears. I noticed this ring when I was much younger, and I associated it with the sound of electricity flowing through the walls. I think that the ringing has gotten louder.

Have you ever read so long that the words have imprinted themselves onto your vision? You close your eyes and you see words, but you cannot make them out. Then slowly the words fade, and it is back to that yellow light twisting.

Have you ever stared at a teacher in front of a white board for so long that when you move your eyes you see an image of her on the white board?

Have you ever stood in front of a demon? A dog demon? Inuyasha. Last night there was a memory, a concept that passed through my head. The thought of all those books, and fantasy like movies all rolled into one, one male to stand for all those heroes. So he stood beside me, and there was something that I was something in a dream the night before, but I could not pull it out.

(I’m going to be silly for a while.)

In a Movie of Naruto (Movie 2), there was a concept that if one person ruled everything, they would abuse this power, and fights would break out for this power. One Ring to Rule them all, but I am the one person to rule all my genes. A body works together towards me. So while the One Government to rule them all would be evil indeed (even in the body there are different organs) there perhaps should be One Goal, that we will try the hardest to make sure that every cell (person) lives a good happy life.

Today, we could be doing a much better job toward this goal. Because we have so many resources we do not use/share, but that we waste. We have a few challenges to overcome, but there are enough brilliant fools out there to save the world.

So when the world has a blood system for all its parts. So when the cultures have formed into organs that can work with others, and the Amish continue to make their wonderful quilts holding the secrets of the past. There is much we have foolishly let go of. Much we are losing.

As for the brain, we all have them. There is no need to have a One Ring overall the organs. Right?

So in the Utopia of the body we will find our way.

(Done being silly.)

Sometimes when you get an idea you just have to write it out. There are number of people I would like to lift up. I would like, a better shelter for the homeless and support for children whose parents are ‘junkies.’

The other day I ran into a homeless person who had a nametag on. Thinking that maybe he wasn’t homeless, but was collecting money for the shelters I stopped to talk to him. He said, “I am homeless.” with the same acceptance and pride that I would I say, “I am Schizoaffective Bipolar.” a kind of, ’I am a person, here is my old name tag from where I worked’ attitude.

Sometimes instead of just saying, “No” to the homeless I say, “No, but I will buy you something to eat.” Not much because I am poor, but when I think of being homeless I think about three things, Cold, Bad Food, and Smelliness. Oh and uncomfortable sleeping places. That is why I want a big warm homeless shelter.

When it comes to the Sims 2 I have written a few ‘ideas’ for expansion packs. I.E. Art Gallery (I am happy to see they are getting an art gallery and am wonder if they saw my idea. I would also like to see if they used any of my ideas about what the art gallery is like. i.e. You have to become friends with the gallery owner to sell painting for more
money, and that he is a mean and rude person who is hard to get along with.)

One idea was that people aspiring to be Chiefs could work in soup kitchens (to get experience), so that the homeless of the neighborhood could not only have food, but five star meals!

I also had an idea about having an environmental artist. Dragons stealing away Sims so they have to be rescued. Running at each other on horse with poles. (I was told that is Joulting…or whatever.) And a Sims 2 Cultures EP. I think that explains itself.

Have I talked about this before? I got an extreme box of Nature Made Vitamins and Minerals. Maximin Pack for Men and Women. It has so much stuff in it that it is bound to hit the mark, and for half the price as buying the Jones 24c if I could find the 24c for a $1 each… only the Jones 24c comes with tasty liquid. I wonder if I sold the packets I could make a killing. You know, make my October.

Vitamin and Mineral and Supplements time! Which includes Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil under supplements. Only I’m not sure I should take it with Vitamin E because that is what breaks down Omega-3’s. I will look it up. Oh, the two are good together; Vitamin E keeps Omega-3’s from going rancid. You want to know something weird? Yes you do. I knew somehow that Fish Oil could go rancid without ever having heard the word. I used the word rancid on instinct.

Oh no my poor Bonsai. Maybe it is time to water it again. I think it is time to use some fertilizer to help it re-grow what has been lost. It just doesn’t like it when my room gets cold, and I come back and turn on the heater and it gets warm. Also the lighting is messed up. Bonsai Bonsai. What will I do with you if I have to move? One of my plant lights is too strong, where if it hits the back of the leaves it dries them up. So how do I know both sides healthy? Now if I had a contraption that moved the light around it like the sun it wouldn’t matter. Don’t you think it would make a cool display table? (For Bonsai that do not mind the indoors.) Of course you do, and you being a top of the line furniture designer, will look into creating it right away. What if it flops? Here’s how it goes people like plants (nature and all), people like the latest technology, and people like good design (that will be up to you).

I go onward. Something has changed. I am not nearly as tired as I used to be. My brother says that is must likely a combination of things. One being the change in weather, and another being, the vitamins and minerals, and I forget the third one. He talked about X-Men for a while and the healing powers of Wolverines body and mind. Apparently if Wolverine mind heals by making him forget all the bad times.

I exercised today until my feet fell asleep. After a while I was able to switch machines to one where if my feet gave out I would not get hurt. I slowed down and let my blood flow back to my feet, wiggling my toes (I didn’t want to damage my feet by not paying attention to their needs.) Yet, every time I started speeding up my feet would go numb again. So that, and that fact that my headphones wouldn’t stay on with this new machine (they are broken) lead me to give up, and focus on schoolwork.

Really, this medication slows me down. My feet have never been that numb while working out before. It is true that I’ve had a numb I don’t hurt anymore, but not a numb I don’t feel my feet very much. Not a, “Oh, no! They have fallen asleep, what if I they stop working.” So it is settled, medication is messing with my circulation, or at least the amount of oxygen in my blood.

Do I care? Do I care when I am waddling along and everyone is passing me, and then so far ahead of me. Do I care that my legs complain every morning walking into school or that I can no longer do my best when exercising because of my feet? If you do then you do not know depression. Sure I’ll take a few hits here in there. My feet have always hurt when working out until the pain just goes away, but this, two feet sleeping?

Sigh.

I posted a question on yahoo answers:
I am on Lamictal, Topamax, Wellburtrin, Zyperxa Zydis, and Zoloft. Lamictal causes slow movement. So I exercise in the hopes of moving faster, but my feet and legs are in slight pain and then get numb and finally fall asleep. How can I overcome my slowness if I cannot even exercise?

It is not just exercise that hurts, but walking around everyday. I will try to keep up with others and my breath will get short as I limp along, and they are already walking slow just for me. It is a total workout keeping up with people, and I watch as people who passed me just a while ago are already all the way across the parking lot.

Oh, and reading takes longer now too. I want to speed back up, but I do not know how. I am scared to get off Lamictal and risk a medication that will have me depressed, or manic. (Schizoaffective Bipolar) I've lost so much of my life to depression.

First response: “See your doctor. Sometimes people read the side effects of their drugs and get it in their head that's what wrong with them. Lamictal is for epilepsy, but I know those drugs are sometimes used as mood stabilizers. Maybe you can try something else.” (SaraMc)

At first I was a little mad, but then I thought it over, she is saying that my problem could be caused by something other then the medication, and I shouldn’t label it.

I’m going to go try and answer some questions now. So I can reach level two and be able to rate, I think more people would answer if they could be rated.

Yesterday's post today! Yay

A million good things to you all. Wow, today is Halloween and I have nothing I am welling to wear. Last year I dressed up as an Anime Kitty cat/Barbie because I found the perfect Barbie shoes at a Value World (Thrift shop) and then my sister told me I looked like an anime character. I have no plans for this Halloween other then to be able to type the word Halloween about three times. I am so tired. I want sleep. Why do I have to get up so early in the morning? Why does even just a little caffeine keep me up late into the night?? My old therapist told me that my medication makes caffeine have even bigger effects on me, but it seems that even if I have caffeine before noon it will still keeps me up at night.

In a daze I wake up early today only to fall back asleep in my chair and wake up late for class. I only just made it to class in time to not have it count as a missed day. I like being able to stay up so late into the night tossing and turning. If I am asleep then I forget about all this time. If I am unable to sleep I can trace words on the ceiling of my room with my finger. I have a loft bed so I can reach out and touch the ceiling. Last night in a particularly bad mood I traced the words, “So this is hell.” A nice thought, right?

It is the next day. Yesterday I was so tired in the end that I went to sleep early. Thinking to myself, “I will just take a nap, some people can just take short naps, why can’t I?” I climbed into bed and feel asleep only to wake up at 10pm when it is that late you might as well brush your teeth and take your medication right away or else you will not be able to fall back to sleep. All this sleep and I am still tired. I give up. My pDoc will not be in town for a while. I have to wait until next Saturday. I do not know why this problem has suddenly gotten worse. I had no caffeine at all yesterday. Today, I had an espresso drink and I forget to ask for decaf. I thought to myself, “I need to ask for decaf, but as my focus shifted to seeing if I had enough change to not break a dollar I forgot. No wanting to ask them to make it over again I drank my caffeinated Teddy Bear, and I am still tired. After drinking my drink I quietly poured my all natural Lemon Italian Soda from Whole Foods. I am sure people saw me and thought I was rude, and cheap, but the ATM machine had been moved, and I had no money to buy another drink. They don’t accept checks. Shh our secret, O.K.?

My am I not talkative today. I am just setting here with my computer in front of me, knowing of course that I could be revising some writing, but not really able to work. I have run into a wall, and haven’t bounced back yet. It is the way that my head feels I think. This tiredness. It ebbs and flows. It is strange. I almost feel as if I should be depressed, but I am not really depressed. I guess I am at times. Something is wrong, and it has been for a long time now. It just feels like it will always be this way, because at times I feel normal, but then my body gets all worn out and my brain tired. I mean tired even if I have been getting good sleep. I am so Emo, right? I guess I have a reason to be Emo though.

Two days ago I was so upset I went to a bowl of chocolate and just pigged out for a while. I knew this is how people become overeaters, seeking comfort in food, but at times that is the only thing that will comfort you. That and walking. These are natural things, they clear the mind. When I was depressed I told my Therapist that the only time I felt better was when I was eating, and that I should just be eating all the time. He didn’t think that it was a good idea. I wonder why? When I went to a new Therapist I was asked to fill out some survey, and I circled that I sometimes ate too much and sometimes too little. They were trying to define me as an overeater or anorexic, but I am really not either. I would be anorexic, but I get hungry.

Depression sure put some meat on my bones, or maybe I was tubby before, because of my unhealthy diet. Now I can grab all my belly fat and think to myself, I wish I could just cut this all off like rich people do. I however wouldn’t even do it if I had the money, because I would consider it a waste of money. Well, maybe I would do it. What would you do?

Oh someone rich just walked in and ordered a large ice cream like drink. I’m not jealous. I personally think that frappachinos need a kiddy size. The small is just way to big! I remember the first time I went to a Starbucks. I hadn’t been to too many coffee shops before then. I didn’t drink coffee. It was in a Barnes and Noble. The shops in there have the Cheesecake Factory slices. That Starbuck outside of bookstores do not have. It was the first time I ever had such fancy Cheesecake. I think the slices used to be bigger. I would share the slice with my sister, and we would each get a frappachino with our Barnes and Noble gift card that had been given to us with the intent of us getting books I am sure.

Back then Barnes and Noble was a mystical place. Godiva chocolates I stared at in wonder for a long time. Later when my brother gave out four piece boxes of truffles I discovered what they tasted like and they did not lose their magic. My sister would flip through books of dog breeds and at that time I wanted a Wolfhound, but now I want a Shiba Inu. Big change I know. A Wolfhound is a mix between a Wolf and a dog. I have since then heard that they can be dangerous.

If I were forced to go back in time, I would look at the Tarot books. I wonder if my sister would tattle on me. I would spend less time eating sweets and get healthier things. I was beautiful back then, not that I am ugly now, but I am tubbier. I would also have a very good writing ability for my age, and I could avoid stress factors that gave me Bipolar disorder. I would get a job at an earlier age, and use the money I made to take more courses at the art center. My parents would be confused as to why I suddenly became such a better drawer, and why I got over my timidness about spending money on art materials. For that matter they would wonder where my timidness went altogether. Why did she start acting like a college student? How is it she knows so much about her classes before she even enters them? The enjoyment of the shock factor alone would be worth the extra years I have to relive. I could do them differently. Then the age old question will be answered. Can a person avoid having Bipolar disorder?

Of course there are other things I would prefer over going back in time, like winning the Mega Millions, which would be amazing because I have never played the Mega Millions, and only plan to using money on it if I win money somewhere else first. You know as a good sign, and to pay for playing the Mega Millions. Money has been greatly on my mind lately. It all started with eBay. No it all started with Amazon, and making my wishlist, my crazy beyond reality wishlist. Now what have I done in my free time? Will when seeing they were giving away $50,000 to spend on eBay to a lucky winner I got what would I spend it on. Then I thought a house. So I looked up a house and ran into an expensive one. I thought to myself, I could find a house outside of eBay and then convince the owner to put the house up on eBay so I could buy it. So I started looking over real estate. Then on a ride back home my brother mentioned Free Lotto online, when I was talking about eBay being my free lottery, so I got to thinking what would I do if I won the 10 million dollars. First I would ask them to spend a million to each of my siblings and one to my parents so as to avoid paying taxes twice, then I would take the three million left over use us to half of it on a house, and use the rest on taxes in the future from that house and some basic living. I would still need a job, maybe, but I would have an awesome house. Here is one that might work with my mother’s wheelchair, and another that says it will work, and a much cheaper one that will hold a lot of people.

Monday magic monday! Yay

Originally uploaded by RedTea

Dear Sir or Madame,
There might just me a million things I could say to you. In that way I am rich, rich to be able to write to you. Who would I write to if I didn’t have you? I have come to the conclusion that I am very Emo even if I don’t intend to be. I became Emo the moment I developed Bipolar Disorder. In High School I contently was reminded of the Goth community because of a friend, and now all I need to do is dress up and listen to music and I am part of a community. It would be nice to not be alone; even if I am part of a support group everyone there is so unlike me. A plus would be that I get to dress up. It would be like Halloween everyday, everyday and every moment.

I think back to my High School years. Sigh. How corrupt I became. All those lunches listening to friends talk about sex, and then Sex in the City. It wasn’t the only thing that was talked about, I also heard about how hard it was to find a Goth boyfriend and such and such. As for today for a while Zoloft took away my sex drive. I didn’t mind, being raised Roman Catholic I kind of liked it. My sex drive has slowly come back, but I do not pay attention to it anymore.

What really has my goose goosed is the amount I am able to sleep. Saturday I got up in good time because I had something to do, but I got tired around 9pm so I went to sleep. I slept through my sisters phone calls without waking up, and I didn’t wake up until 1pm. Wonderful isn’t it? Not only that but I got tired early in the day, and was glad when bedtime came around. My sister thinks I am abusing my schedule, but she doesn’t realize that unless I have something pressing to do that cannot wait to later in the day, I latterly cannot get up.

I have been having sleeping problems for a long time now. Do you think that a person should be able to sleep… I think it is 16 hours without waking up? Do you see what is wrong here? Do you understand that I didn’t used to have this problem to this extreme? Did I? Hopeless. I give up. I will just continue to sleep ungodly hours. I am turning into a Koala. Do you think it is the medication or is it another problem popping up?

I give up. I give up. I give up. That is the tune I am singing this morning. I walked into class with a horrible, “I don’t want to be doing this anymore,” feeling.

Faygo Grape Soda, sugar to elevate my mood. It works momentarily then fades back to misty sleepiness. I would survive if I had the money. I would contact my Doctor with my problem as I am going to do anyways. I am sure there is a medication out there somewhere for my problem. There are medications to help you sleep, there must be medications to keep you from sleeping too much, but I think it is more then that. I think that all the medication I’m on is tiring out my poor body. The weekend is my time to recover from the week. So what do I do? I have no choice, but to take the medication, and I am sure that the other medications are worse. Which medication do you think is tiring me out? How is it that I am able to get up and function during the day without being tired? Well, usually there have been a few times when I have crawled up in my lazy boy chair and fallen asleep. That is it! I know something is wrong and I need to have it checked out. I slept twice the normal amount needed. Lets see I slept from 9-10-11-12-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-1. Each dash is an hour. I am overcome. I would like to be able to work, but all my extra time is going toward sleep.

DEPRESSED. Who could sleep so long and not be? I finally will name this feeling that has been defeating me for so long, tiredness and depression. I’m not so sure if Zoloft is really working. I don’t want to kill myself anymore, but is that the Zoloft or just time? Second to second my mood changes just a little, but today as a whole has been a low one. I am hungry now. Need food. Need caffeine to bring me out of this downer. While I was in a Support Group when I said that caffeine made me happy it was explained to me that studies have shown when a person is on an antidepressant a stimulant raises the mood.
Sincerely,
Namir

A little story I cooked up

Drawf trees aka Bonsai

I have started my quest for Bonsai trees. So far I have collected two saplings and will be putting up pictures of the cute little babies soon. I have yet to figure out how to get my outdoor Bonsai to survive the Michigan winter, but I was thinking of my parent’s breezeway, or planting them in my parents yard.

I have started the never-ending quest of exploring my Bipolar disorder. I will hit this problem from every angle. I was told that if I did parts of every project I would be spreading myself to thin, but if I took one unifying theme and pulled a string from each project it might just work. I therefore am going to try to continue on with the website, and develop my course as I am walking along the path.

You see part of my inter-self is my mind, and the medication that flows through my veins interacts with my brain in ways that are not completely understood my science. All I know is I act differently on different medications. On Geodon I was reaching out to the world looking for a soul mate… on Abilify my mind wondered to dark and unpleasant places. With Zyprexa Zydis a bit of my passion for life has come back, but mostly I no longer cared. This medicated not caring combines with the actually warn down felling of entering a senior year. The combination is toxic.

I received a message from my pDoc today telling me that I needed to have a medication change. It was something about my lab results. I am glad that the change is happening at the beginning of the Semester where, if I start falling asleep in class, I will not lose everything.

Good news…another day has passed, and the only change in my medication will be a decrease in the Zyprexa Zydis. Sounds wonderful right. As long as I don’t start hearing things or backing away from society and so forth the news is wonderful indeed.

The Struggle is withing sight

As interesting as Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil are, and I am sure that you are on the edge of your seats just waiting for me to give the word from my pDoc. I however have discovered a side effect that was the reason that I was taken off Risperdal and was taken down the bumping path to Zyprexa.

I guess that because mothers go through the same thing without it being considered disgusting I can tell you. Milk is coming out of my breasts. I think that if I stayed on Zyprexa I would stop having periods and it would be like taking birth control pills. It’s a good thing that Zoloft has taken away my sex drive because it would be embarrassing to explain to anyone.

I, however, will request that no changes be made in my medication until next summer. It has taken me too long to adapt to this change in medication, for a while I would be so sleepily that during car rides I would fall asleep, and when we got home I couldn’t manage to get up and go into bed. I just slept there.

I want to cry. I sleep so much, and it seems to be out of my control. Will the need to stay awake during the school year be enough to keep me awake? Will I finally be brought down? So far I have been lucky with everything just barely working. Can I make it?

I have to face the facts. It is possible that my disability (Bipolar disorder is a disability) will disable me. There are some cases (people) where medication does not work as well others. Every brain is different.

There, the coldness of the wetness in my eyes is comforting. I don’t know why, but I find tears comforting. Anyway… I have spoken. I will now go to the Bipolar World Cafe, and see how my post is doing.

I was quite disappointed in how my post at the Bipolar World Café was doing. Not much to be said other then it is a nice place to visit and order a Mocha. Have you tried McDonald's version of a Mocha? Either the dude making it had no idea what he was doing, or it is horrible.

I am sorry to gross you out, but you have to realize that disgusting side effects are a possibility.

I’ve yet to get many people to come to my site. I am crossing my fingers and sitting back, hoping that my site will be discovered. I am going to put a link up on my youTube site. I’m going to have to start getting creative when it comes to getting people to come to my website. That is why I created the youTube video, not the one with all the animals, but the other one.

I’m listening to Rent right now, they are singing, “How are we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, last years rent.” That is going to be me very soon. I’m getting ready for it.

Bipolar Choices

I have a cat by my side and a laptop in my lap. My hair is fresh out of a shower. I have been reading, and writing, and watching, and so forth. I have gotten quite lazy, or at least I feel that way. I feel horrible that I can and sleep so much. I’ve never had this problem before.

It feels like my life is slipping away because I’m sleeping through it. I feel so medicated, and there is nothing, well almost nothing, I can do to stop this feeling. As I might has said before, when I first started on my medication I promised myself that I would never forget what an un-medicated brain felt like, and now I wish I could forget it, and at times I do forget it, but in those moments of silence with nothing to do, I can feel it. I can feel the dullness in my brain.

Don’t go off your medications because of me. Many people do not have this feeling, and the good of the medication can be a lot better then the bad. Do not be freaked out by my medication problems. You might not have them. I am just writing about them so you know that other people have the same issues you do.

I am also not saying one medication is good or bad. Each medication and person’s brain is individual and they work differently together.

It is a personal choice whether or not to take medication. If you are deciding whether or not to take medication be sure to educate yourself about all the options that are open for you. I have run into books about naturally controlling Bipolar disorder, but many professionals would say that medications are a great help in controlling the disorder. They however are not the complete cure; a lot of the fight still has to be fought by the person with the disorder.

These things that I talked about earlier in another post good sleep, exercise, and learning how to calm oneself are wonderful tools to have in fixing the problem. Medication makes this easier. So much so that the good of taking the medication outweighs the bad of side effects.

I personally could not go without my medications. I would stop eating because I would think that the food was poisoned and keeping me from transcending. I would think that people were either demons or angels and not be sure which one. In the end I would be terrified.

So for me the choice of taking the medication is different. The question becomes do I want to be insane, or do I want to be sane. What would you choice. The answer isn’t as easy as you would think. The truth is that I like to be a little insane, but when I am I become a danger to myself. So I have to say good-bye to unstable thoughts. Sigh.

New hidden posts opening up!

What I was really thinking about writing on today was medication, and side effects. I will make available some posts that were hidden before my beginning post. You can now read the start of another Blog that never took off (that is at the very beginning of this site), and a little bit more about medications as they have impacted me (also on this site).

So far I have jumped around the subject of medication, and all you know is that they make me sleepy. Well. I am on the generic form of Wilburton: no known side effects, Zoloft: decrease in sex drive, and maybe the taste of some sweets (I’m not sure which medication is doing this), Lamitical: slower walking (I think), and Zyprexa: the ability to sleep like a Koloa. Koloa’s sleep a lot.

Are you able to see I am medicated?

I have my secrets like everyone else, but I realize that there are people out there that can read secrets like road maps. There are those that can read minds, which I find very nosey indeed.

I wonder what my thoughts would read like, would the feel of medication lay heavily on the thoughts like the scent of Old Spice on the body. When a mosquito bites me do they taste the medication, what impact does it have on them. Would my medication be considered a turn off or a rare treat for a vampire? To animals and those with good noses, do I smell medicated. I have read that some of my medications can cause irregular walks, do I walk differently, and can you see it? Does my medication change the wideness and sharpness of my eyes; does it make my face look duller?

Now that I have brought up vampires I will tell you that I used to wear turtlenecks to bed because I was afraid a vampire would bite me in the night.

I was bitten by a vampire, once.

A rollercoaster of medication.

If you are new to having Bipolar disorder you might be facing a love/hate situation with your medication. They keep you from feeling so horribly horrible, but they could also make you so horribly tired, or constipated, or overweight. Finding the right medication combination is, as they say, ‘a little more of an art then a science,’ with your pdoc. (psychiatrist) walking the tightrope.

It is not a matter of if you will feel better, but when you will feel better. I have to say that even with my moments of insanity and sadness that overall this has been one hack of a summer.

Sure I tried to kill myself, but in the mental hospital I meet people who I would never known otherwise, and because I was back home I was drawn to my Tarot deck. Every little step of the way has brought me to this moment this Blog posting.

Here I am locked up in my room, writing and writing. Sigh. I wonder if I will have a good job with benefits by the time I turn 25, that gives me less than four years. This angle is disheartening. I think I will leave where it is because it is making me sleepy.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow! I have to makes a choice between changing my therapist, my psychiatrist. Oh, woe is me. Tear. You're the star of my eye.

Topamaz - weight - medication - hope - etc

Topamax is an expensive weight control pill. It works like a wonder. My hunger just disappears, whereas before it was the big beautiful butterfly of doom. I even turned down my long time goal. My goal was to either have the OREO Pie at Big Boy, or the HERSHEY’S Pie at Burger King. I was at Big Boy, and I literally said no. NO. What in the world was I thinking?

Now my goal is to lose enough weight that I can just eat the pie without feeling guilty. Not that I would have felt guilty before this summer, I feasted on Ben and Jerry’s and Spaghetti before now. So why do I have this sudden goal to get rid of my belly.

My mother says I am not chubby just pleasantly plump, and for a long time I have thought if I lost some weight I could be attractive. Oh…I am so tired. Maybe if I just lay down for a bit…sigh…give me a moment please.

Yes, I feel so much better now. The only problem is that I lost my train of thought. (Choo Choo) Anyway, so I have been doing Tarot Card readings as you might have noted in the EBAY posting. If you want to see what a reading with me is like go ahead and bid. I use the Celtic Cross, and give you the choice of two decks.

I have yet to decide which of the two decks is my favorite one is more traditional and harsh, and the other is unconventional and lighthearted.

I had a dream once that a new medication was coming out for mental illnesses that was the best on the market. It beat all the other drugs on the market including Lithium. I wonder how long it will take for this drug to be made. How vast is my foresight?

My past Blogs

I figure no one will ever read this Blog. Who want to hear a person who is so offensive (Psychic and Psychosis) , even if I am not trying not to be. In the end this Blog is about keeping me awake, because if I didn’t seat down to write at this moment I would have crawled up and bed and fallen asleep. So, even if no one ever reads this, this is a good Blog. It is good for me.

I received an email from someone with stronger psychic energy than me today, or at least their energy was tamed while mine is raw. I am really working on having my cards attach to me. I keep them with me a lot.

There is a small hurt little fruit fly crawling across my shirt. It is so cute and determined to live, it must have gotten on me when I walked today. Yes, today I walked, that is what I do everyday, try not to sleep and walk. Right now I am on two weight loss pills to counteract the weight gain that comes with Zyprexa (a pretty serious antipsychotic). I am on so much expensive medication, but luckily I am on my parents insurance until I’m 25. Dance Furby Dance.

If you look at my other Blog Sulfur you can see into my past, and you can see another stage of my life at Red Tea.

I was so different then, but in many ways the same. I still enjoy writing just as much. I hardly know depression back than, and Furbies and Mac and Cheese where good topics of conversation. I guess in many ways I was still like a child, but enjoyed this, so why grow up? I had grown up in the important areas that some people never reach. I was mature, I just like to joke about childish things, and play video games, and eat sweet stuff.

Recently, I have stopped playing video games and am putting all my focus into Tarot cards. Which I might add is not childish at all.

Ahhh, my eyes are so sleepy. I had more than enough sleep. Sigh.

The pain of rejection

Please do not stop reading this Blog when you see this, but I was, am, and ever will be a Catholic. My father literally thinks that I am talking to Demons through my Tarot Cards. To this day there are a number of writing by the Catholic Church against Tarot Cards and other religions have the same view. I was wondering if I could be a Catholic and something more.

I grew up in a Catholic School, and received scholarships from people who would probably want me to live a Christian life, and a part of me wants to make them happy. They put their faith in me, and I should return the favor by doing something grand.

That is why I was thinking about doing a big project on fighting the stigma of menial illness for my Senior Project, but am I hurting both the stigma of menial illness and Psychics through this Blog?

I cannot help who I am. At this point in time this is who I am. I am a woman just re-diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar who tried to kill herself a month after school ended this summer. My brother says it was from lack of attention, but I know it was from wanting to die. I felt I would never make it in the world, it wasn’t because of bad grades I passed everything with A’s and B’s, it was because I was so quiet. A stupid reason really, but I was on a weaker medication at the time so I wasn’t thinking right.

So I was in the Hospital, and then Mental Hospital until all the jobs were taken, and then it was to late in the summer to find a job. So I started saleing things on my Mother account on eBay.

Then suddenly I started reading up on Tarot, I had known I was psychic for a long time. So I started doing a little research, and will continue to do research.

I wonder how many people will look at the title of this Blog and just leave…

I mean no offence!!! Schizaffectiviness and Psychic energy are not linked

I feel I need to make one thing clear. I mean no offense to anyone through this Blog. I just happen to suffer from a mental disorder and be psychic, the two are not linked, and I do not want anyone thinking that they are.

It is possible that I have been suffering from a mental disorder for a long time, but that doesn’t make my predictions any less real.

My Mental illness is my weakness and strength. I have grown a lot from it, but the same medication that keeps me from thinking others are someone plotting against me to keep me from transcending* also makes me sleep a lot and I have to be on two weight loss pills to counteract weight gain.

*They want to hold me on earth because they love me so much.

More Abilify: Spinning, Rotating, like a boat in a storm

I try to sleep at night, and I do sleep at night, but while I am trying to fall asleep this weird sensation of being outside of the realm of gravity comes on me. I lay there in bed on my side and I feel as if I could fall into the wall. I try to sleep, but my body feels like it is spinning. The gravity pulling me to the wall disappears, and instead it feels like something is pushing me. I feel tingling at my back.

During the day, when I am not busy, and sometimes when I am, a feeling of uneasiness comes over me. I am not depressed, but I feel something is wrong.

Sanity I have, and too much of it. (I think so anyways, some people would say the whole spinning thing would be insane.)

At times it feels as if for a second a part of my brain is breaking. It is like a little pop, here and gone. My heart feels a little tired at times, it might be a result of my low blood pressure, but it nothing to be worried about. It has been a long time since my last period, but it might just be the sudden changes in medication that are messing up my system.

I do not like this medication Sam I am. I do not like this medication. But. I will stay with it to see if things get better. I cannot afford another medication that keeps me from sleeping, I am past the middle of the semester.

Early morning waking. I wake up as soon as the sun comes up, only I don't fall asleep until 12ish. I have a 10 am class which I get up at 9 for, and only have to get up earlier on Friday. So I wake up at six, and go back to sleep to wake up at seven, and so on. This happened with Geodon as well. ONLY with Geodon I would have woken up an hour too early, and felt the energy to get up and going only to be tricked by that morning energy was it disappeared to nothingness.