Roar

Today a red dragon ate its own tail due depression. Dragons are too well armored to kill themselves by sword, or fall, and their blood burns away any poison.

Dragons are miserable creatures that one by one try to eat themselves until all that is left are rings of fire. Fire that burns into the earth and emits molten rock until a mound is formed, and that mound is called a volcano.

When the dragon catches a cold it coughs and whizzes and heats up. The earth quacks at its movement, and the rock cracks in the heat. The stone softens and oozes. And boy does it ever get hot. It is a sad thing when a dragon catches a cold.

I just have to start writing somewhere so a start with something random and continue on from there.

I just finished a Tarot reading. I cannot decide whether I should be selling readings., Does the selling part devalue my cards? This is something I want to share with my friends and I just started selling on EBay for practice. SIGH…perhaps my cards like me selling readings. It is what people have been doing for hundreds of years.

Do I really have to come up with a title

I started out today with a beautiful picture in mind. I don’t know what it was, but it was intriguing nonetheless, maybe it was heaven.

There is so much we have to wait for to learn. I am not that good at waiting. I want to know what the afterlife is like now, is it as scary as being insane? Because when I was in Psychosis the fear was so great it was almost painful, this is talked about in the book Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin.

Anyway, I hope that death is like a mania without the fear, and bad stuff that goes with it, because it is amazing what the world feels like in that state, and you are not alone, you can hear others talking about you says things like, “she can hear us.”

Sigh. I heard once that angels are beautiful and horrible to behold, that is what mania is like. I wish I could have seen angel. I guess I have time yet to behold the unimaginable.

When I get in front of that great void of the sublime fear rushes in. Once when my medication was decreased (before they knew I had Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder) I began once again to think that people where trying to keep me from transcending. I was tempted to go off my medication altogether. I would sit in bed at night crying because I didn’t want to take my medication.

Then one night I started having flashbacks to when I was in the mental hospital and how afraid I was. The fear became so great that not only did I take my medication, but I also took more (only the amount it had been decreased).

When I am walking in the park I watch people riding bikes with envy. I have decided that it is time for me to relearn how to ride a bike, so I can go zooming past the walkers.

I really wish I could find a job. I do not want to go back to my old job when the school year starts up (because so many students are gone during the summer they don’t need as much help, hench they didn't need me over the summer), because I don’t want them to know I didn’t work all summer. Sigh.

As soon as I finish this post I am going to go walking, because if I’m not working I might as well be walking. Now if only their was a job that required a person to walk around all the time. I know, I will be a meter reader!

Beautiful Macs-Senior Projects

Have you ever noticed the beautiful pattern of moving light that a slow fan makes on the ceiling, and that gentle whisper of air? I have a cat at my feet sleeping, and a computer on my lap. I will let you guess what kind of computer (laptop, get it).

I have a beautiful Mac that I was required to get in order to go to the art school I attend. It has served me well, and I have yet to have someone steal it. As you can guess from the fact it is still in my lap.

For my Senior project I have three ideas: One, fight the stigma of mental illness (figure out how to do it and do it), Two, develop my inter eye and train my Psychic energy to do artwork based on what I feel, and Three, create a Blog that does both in order to portray where I am in at this point in time.

Yay! I have three ideas, and over a month to put together a way to make them work. Dance Furby Dance.

I am going to take creative writing this coming semester so be prepared for some artistic prospective. One thing is for sure. If I do the Blog project, I will have to expand, and leave the easy to use format of Blogger to build a website again.

Why not use the same website you might ask? Well, I kind of… well…hmm. I forgot the password and there is no way to get it back. None. Believe me I have tried. So I have a site out there somewhere that will remain untouched because no one knows how to get to it.

I think I will check my email… be right back.

Anyway, the weather here has gotten much better. It was a wonderful day for a walk in the park. I didn’t because it was too late, so I walked on the treadmill.

I think things are getting better, but I still have those moments of sadness.

Tummy and hamsters

I am going to see my therapist today, and I don’t know what issues will pop up. I love my family so much. I don’t know exactly what I was thinking, but was really ready to die. I remember I felt that I would suffer more living just for them then they would suffer in me being gone.

I assume you are tired of this topic and want to hear about seals and penguins eating pizza, but I haven’t eaten a thing today, so thinking about food isn’t good. (My fridge is filled with my two roommates foods, but only my milk.)

My tummy is a gentle roaring of dissatisfaction thinking of the sweetest of foods, the one filled with little fish, caramel, and marshmallow, and chocolate…Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. How many miles would I have to walk to work that off?

I think that I will have a HERSHEY’S Pie, just one, and walk it off, before I lose all the weight I am planning on losing. One thing is for sure I like walking in the park more then on a treadmill. Just think of it piles of hamsters droppings that are really chocolate, just like the hen that lays the golden eggs these hamsters poop chocolate poops. Would you eat it?

A rollercoaster of medication.

If you are new to having Bipolar disorder you might be facing a love/hate situation with your medication. They keep you from feeling so horribly horrible, but they could also make you so horribly tired, or constipated, or overweight. Finding the right medication combination is, as they say, ‘a little more of an art then a science,’ with your pdoc. (psychiatrist) walking the tightrope.

It is not a matter of if you will feel better, but when you will feel better. I have to say that even with my moments of insanity and sadness that overall this has been one hack of a summer.

Sure I tried to kill myself, but in the mental hospital I meet people who I would never known otherwise, and because I was back home I was drawn to my Tarot deck. Every little step of the way has brought me to this moment this Blog posting.

Here I am locked up in my room, writing and writing. Sigh. I wonder if I will have a good job with benefits by the time I turn 25, that gives me less than four years. This angle is disheartening. I think I will leave where it is because it is making me sleepy.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow! I have to makes a choice between changing my therapist, my psychiatrist. Oh, woe is me. Tear. You're the star of my eye.

Longer post

What do you think of my name, “Namir the Wondercat.” It came to me in a flash. I originally picked the name, Namir, for an online game called, The Realm.

Where I flocked around like a winged porcupine, and I once came across some generous people (in like the Six of Coins) who gave me a cool hat. Not long afterwards someone asked to go hunting with me, and I said yes, lets. As soon as the battle began he/she turned on me and killed me. In death I lost my hat.

A while afterwards I used the same name for Final Fantasy Online, which is a wonderful game that costs a lot of money.

When I first went to college I mostly stopped gaming. The first summer after my first year, I bought the Sims 2 for Macs thinking that it would be the only game I ever would buy for my computer. I was right, except for two expansion packs.

You see I live a wonderful, challenging, and artistic life during the school year (I am an art student after all.), but over the summer I suffer, because I can never find a job that fits me as well as college does. One thing is for sure, if I find a job that fits me I will glow like one of those stars people put on ceilings. My life would be wonderful. I would wake up happy, and sleep the normal amount of time. Hmmm…do I smell tuna fish? I’m thirsty I will come back later…

Ok, my sister would not let me have the last of the lemonade, and I love lemonade. Oh, by the way I live with my sister, she who shall be named, but you will not know it. I have three brothers and three sisters. I am the youngest. If I had succeeded in killing myself then I would have put a torn into the feet of many Lions/Lionesses. They are Lions/Lionesses because they are Strong (ie the Strength card). You will here very little about my family, I think…I will let you know I changed the title because they thought the last one was too offensive. They felt that I was cashing in (if you want to give me cash to know the title go ahead) on my mental illness.

One way or another the rain will shine. Like little droplets of love. In the perfectly warm air. That swirls with the compassion of lovers past.

Breath in deeply. Out slowly. When in this Blog think of a place like the one I use for my eBay postings:

Imagine the small of Lilacs. A black silk clothe with a light lilac purple along two of the sides. The cloth hangs gently over a craved wood table. The walls are a light yellow and the sun comes in tall French windows that a person could step out of onto a deck. On the wall behind the desk rest a great number of books, a Crystal Ball, Runes, and stack upon stacks of Tarot desks. In front of you is a person with so many piles of jewelry around their neck you wander how it is they can ever hold it up.

Topamaz - weight - medication - hope - etc

Topamax is an expensive weight control pill. It works like a wonder. My hunger just disappears, whereas before it was the big beautiful butterfly of doom. I even turned down my long time goal. My goal was to either have the OREO Pie at Big Boy, or the HERSHEY’S Pie at Burger King. I was at Big Boy, and I literally said no. NO. What in the world was I thinking?

Now my goal is to lose enough weight that I can just eat the pie without feeling guilty. Not that I would have felt guilty before this summer, I feasted on Ben and Jerry’s and Spaghetti before now. So why do I have this sudden goal to get rid of my belly.

My mother says I am not chubby just pleasantly plump, and for a long time I have thought if I lost some weight I could be attractive. Oh…I am so tired. Maybe if I just lay down for a bit…sigh…give me a moment please.

Yes, I feel so much better now. The only problem is that I lost my train of thought. (Choo Choo) Anyway, so I have been doing Tarot Card readings as you might have noted in the EBAY posting. If you want to see what a reading with me is like go ahead and bid. I use the Celtic Cross, and give you the choice of two decks.

I have yet to decide which of the two decks is my favorite one is more traditional and harsh, and the other is unconventional and lighthearted.

I had a dream once that a new medication was coming out for mental illnesses that was the best on the market. It beat all the other drugs on the market including Lithium. I wonder how long it will take for this drug to be made. How vast is my foresight?

My past Blogs

I figure no one will ever read this Blog. Who want to hear a person who is so offensive (Psychic and Psychosis) , even if I am not trying not to be. In the end this Blog is about keeping me awake, because if I didn’t seat down to write at this moment I would have crawled up and bed and fallen asleep. So, even if no one ever reads this, this is a good Blog. It is good for me.

I received an email from someone with stronger psychic energy than me today, or at least their energy was tamed while mine is raw. I am really working on having my cards attach to me. I keep them with me a lot.

There is a small hurt little fruit fly crawling across my shirt. It is so cute and determined to live, it must have gotten on me when I walked today. Yes, today I walked, that is what I do everyday, try not to sleep and walk. Right now I am on two weight loss pills to counteract the weight gain that comes with Zyprexa (a pretty serious antipsychotic). I am on so much expensive medication, but luckily I am on my parents insurance until I’m 25. Dance Furby Dance.

If you look at my other Blog Sulfur you can see into my past, and you can see another stage of my life at Red Tea.

I was so different then, but in many ways the same. I still enjoy writing just as much. I hardly know depression back than, and Furbies and Mac and Cheese where good topics of conversation. I guess in many ways I was still like a child, but enjoyed this, so why grow up? I had grown up in the important areas that some people never reach. I was mature, I just like to joke about childish things, and play video games, and eat sweet stuff.

Recently, I have stopped playing video games and am putting all my focus into Tarot cards. Which I might add is not childish at all.

Ahhh, my eyes are so sleepy. I had more than enough sleep. Sigh.

Card for July 12 2007, The Seven of Coins

Today I will not joke around like I did with the last card of the day, or at least I will keep it to a minimum. This one really applies to me, for a while my medication had me sleeping 15 whole hours every day, luckily this was after school was out, but as school neared its end I felt myself slapping back into a depression, which is never fun. So I was put on Zoloft, which I joked around about saying that it was hard to be depressed on Zoloft. Zoloft just postponed the time it took until I took 150 aspirin.

This card is about slow and steady progress, and I think that is how I have been taking life, like that movie, “What about Bob” and baby steps.

I however have moments a pure sadness where I think that if I was by a bridge I would call the crisis hotline tell them I was jumping and then jump…this is just a theory. I am by no bridges at the moment.

I hate to have my family worrying about me, and soon after this thought comes rolling in another one, the temptation to go off my antipsychotic, and I think that it is either my life or that medication that has to go.

My sister thinks that I will stay on my antipsychotic because I am an intelligent person, but I have my moments where I am ready to throw everything I have worked for away, just so I can see what it is like. I guess they call say I have Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder with Psychosis for a reason.

I do not want anyone looking at me and pointing to me as evidence that either mentally ill people or people who use Tarot cards are, quote on quote, crazy. Every single case is different whether it is mental illness or psychic energy.

Summer '06 and Theories of the Soul and Water

This summer was a lot better then the summer before it summer where I was very, very depressed. I was so depressed that for a while I had trouble reading even a page of a book. I couldn’t enjoy anything, so everything I did seemed like a waste.

Sooner or later I found a job, but I was still in a bad state of mind, so I couldn’t even enjoy the fact that I was allowed to read most of the time.

By the time I had the well I could read more, and I started clang to books and movies to help me pass the horrible long days.

The job I found did not offer many hours so I turned to the outdoors to take away the rest of my time. I would walk for hours upon hours through the park.

My mind would wonder and I came up with a hypothesis about the soul. The soul is like water. As we get closer to the source of heat (God) we expand and lose touch with ourselves. As we move away from the heat water is cohesive so it pulls together into little raindrops of life.

When Water gets far away from the source it becomes cold, and out of preservation forms crystals together expanding their mass, but as it becomes very cold the water crystals fall in on themselves and the water loses all structure, order, and union, it is only when the heat comes their way that they awake from their prison.

That is all I remember about my hypothesis I linked other elements to other parts of the world, like plants needing water and so on.

The pain of rejection

Please do not stop reading this Blog when you see this, but I was, am, and ever will be a Catholic. My father literally thinks that I am talking to Demons through my Tarot Cards. To this day there are a number of writing by the Catholic Church against Tarot Cards and other religions have the same view. I was wondering if I could be a Catholic and something more.

I grew up in a Catholic School, and received scholarships from people who would probably want me to live a Christian life, and a part of me wants to make them happy. They put their faith in me, and I should return the favor by doing something grand.

That is why I was thinking about doing a big project on fighting the stigma of menial illness for my Senior Project, but am I hurting both the stigma of menial illness and Psychics through this Blog?

I cannot help who I am. At this point in time this is who I am. I am a woman just re-diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar who tried to kill herself a month after school ended this summer. My brother says it was from lack of attention, but I know it was from wanting to die. I felt I would never make it in the world, it wasn’t because of bad grades I passed everything with A’s and B’s, it was because I was so quiet. A stupid reason really, but I was on a weaker medication at the time so I wasn’t thinking right.

So I was in the Hospital, and then Mental Hospital until all the jobs were taken, and then it was to late in the summer to find a job. So I started saleing things on my Mother account on eBay.

Then suddenly I started reading up on Tarot, I had known I was psychic for a long time. So I started doing a little research, and will continue to do research.

I wonder how many people will look at the title of this Blog and just leave…

Card for the July 11, 2007

Here the Waiter is carrying such a heavy load of Ten Whole Breadsticks that he trips. It is because the day is so busy with customers jumping out from the plants, and woodworks. He has been working over time for over a long time and he has forgotten what it is like to get a good rest, and if he keeps on pushing himself he will have to pay the piper, you know that bus boy who always goes out for a pipe of tobacco, but everyone know he is secretly a doctor and not just any doctor, it is from his mind that millions of male enhancement drugs emerged.

Anyway, remember not to work yourself to hard, take time to be healthy, happy, and a hell of a kisser.

The Crystal Tarot - My Second Deck

This is the most beautiful deck of Tarot cards that I have ever seen. Just look at it here.

The sad thing is the Minor Arcana, other than the Court Cards, are just the objects with very little illustration except some hard to understand symbolism, like fish, and crabs.

They have on Amazon, but as I am posting this they are having a new order coming in because they only have two left!

Even with its setbacks it is my favorite deck.
Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful.

I have instead of I am

It is important to say I have Bipolar disorder instead of I am Bipolar. That way shows that you are not a sickness you are a person with a sickness, but for many where the medication is not working right the illness takes away their thoughts, and energy so much that it almost seems as if it has taken their very being.

It is so hard to live and be medicated and there are so many people who have it worse than I have it. I am sick in the brain, my very thoughts, it is a part of who I am, I cannot tell where the illness stops and the imagination begins. I am unlucky in this way.

It is about the same way with my psychic energy, a lot of people would point to my illness as the reason that I think I have it. I, however, point to the events that I knew were coming, and the emails from my Tarot readings. (Which I would never share without permission.) Is a person a psychic or do they have psychic energy? Is it a part of their being?

I mean no offence!!! Schizaffectiviness and Psychic energy are not linked

I feel I need to make one thing clear. I mean no offense to anyone through this Blog. I just happen to suffer from a mental disorder and be psychic, the two are not linked, and I do not want anyone thinking that they are.

It is possible that I have been suffering from a mental disorder for a long time, but that doesn’t make my predictions any less real.

My Mental illness is my weakness and strength. I have grown a lot from it, but the same medication that keeps me from thinking others are someone plotting against me to keep me from transcending* also makes me sleep a lot and I have to be on two weight loss pills to counteract weight gain.

*They want to hold me on earth because they love me so much.

EBAY

Am I the Fool?

I have a big Senor project coming up, and I have a distant idea of what I would like to do. I am about to set out on a journey, but am I set up to fail?

I am proud that I made it through the last school year, but things have not been looking up for me since than. I have been unable to find a job so I have been selling things with my mom on eBay, and using my untrained Psychic energy to channel energy through my deck of Tarot cards so I can do readings, but things are still looking blue.

The last semester my school year was horrible, I was on new medications most of the time so I found myself just wanting to sleep, I am still sleep more than I should, because I can be so very tired. I believe I am getting better, but than I will have another day that makes me feel as if everything was still wrong.

On a brighter note my dreams are wonderful, thanks to my medications!

The beginning of a blog...

I had been trying to talk to spirits my whole life, and then slowly they started to talk back. At first I thought it was my good hearing, hearing conversations through the walls. I would stay up at night thinking I could hear my roommate talking about me in the other room. Then the lack of sleep pushed me over the other edge.

An edge I somehow knew I had. I remember thinking that I couldn’t handle staying up every night like other people did, not that I didn’t. I stayed up at night to three every night of my freshmen year, trying to connect with something out there. I would get up at 7:30 am the next day and be fine.

I guess I finally got what I had asked for, I had worn down my brain, and soon after the voices started keeping me up at night I started to feel different. My roommate had often called me insane, and I felt I was, but I didn’t know what to do.

My big college review had just pasted and my mind was picking up speed. I could hear the reviewers picking apart my work, and from their criticism a flood of ideas and inspiration came roaring in.

Then the night came, the night that I thought I heard three people pulling demons out of me, they went over my life inch by inch just as the reviewers had, but in the place of inspiration was shame. I didn’t really sleep at all that night. The next day I ended up in a hospital, and I was diagnosed as Bipolar type I, it was a long time before my diagnoses was changed.