Dreaming again I see

I am having good fun putting together a wishlist that is more of an imagining then a reality. I did put some cheap stuff on there for my family to use as gifts, but almost everything else is beyond expensive. It is so much fun that I want to go back to playing this game today.

Today I hung out with my sister. I am still in Ann Arbor and we went to the Ann Arbor Reuse Center, and Ann Arbor P.T.O. Theft. Before that we stopped in Ypsi for lunch at the Wolverine Grill and then Bombadill’s Coffeehouse for Chai.

I’ll keep today’s post short. Happy Saturday!

The monster gets ever closer

While I was at the library I did pick up a book on Cognitive-Behavior Therapy for Bipolar Disorder. The book is written for therapists, and it is interesting to see therapy from their point of view.

I have been feeling my brain a lot lately. It is more like my brain is demanding to be felt and it feels kind of like it did last summer. Only this time I have more to do. I have goals. Plans. Just thinking about them makes my brain feel better. It seems that when I am in-between action, or in other words doing nothing, that is when I start to feel down.

Typing this post is making me feel better, just like reading yesterday made me feel. I think going to the library triggered memories of sadness.

I don’t know what to do. The school year will make me busy, but it will not cure the problem. I know this because I remember thinking of killing myself a number of times while walking home. It wasn’t because of the pressure of school so much as the sadness in my brain. This feeling has never really gone away. It just lifts up in waves and crashes down in pain. Sure I can forget about it at times, but I will remember it.

I sleep a lot last night. I slept a lot and am still tired. A wave comes up.

Tomorrow I see my pDoc to talk about medication problems.

Perhaps I will be back later today...

I am back. It is nice to see you again. I hope all goes well. I think I will start doing Tarot card readings online again. It is something uplifting to do. It is about taking oneself and reaching out into the sublime. That is a scary thing to do, but I am welling to do it.

I am living today for tomorrow. I really cannot wait to see my pDoc.

I looked at my present for my brothers wedding and was amazed by how beautiful it was once again. I hope they will use it sometime. I think Dana will approve. I did not, however, pay the fee to get into the clay studio in order to make their present. I also did not buy the present from an art gallery, like I was tempted to do. It is still a beautiful gift, and I imagine they would like it. Why? Because I would like it and I have good taste.

Right now I am happy to be in Ann Arbor, it seems that I have to take life moment by moment despite what the books say about feeling normal once the right medication combination is reached. Lets face the horrible facts. This here and now might be it. I cannot afford to go down the slippery road during the school year, so whatever is wrong with me, whatever reason I have been having trouble with sleep ever since I was on Geodon, will have to be pushed into remission for the school year.

I will not give up. I already made it through one semester failing asleep in classes and managed to do enough in the time that I wasn’t sleep to still come out with A’s and B’s. So I need to stop worrying about the school year, because these things tend to come together for me in the end.

What to say, What to say,

Proof reading my last post I found places where it was hard to understand and it did not flow smoothly. I am sorry for this. I hope that my writing skills will improve, even if my sister already says I am a good writer. It might seem unbelievable that I actually proof read, but I never said I was any good at it.

I am staying in Ann Arbor the next couple of days to get my room ready for a sublet. I have a lot of work to do yet. I almost wish that I hadn’t subleted my room, because it would be nice to say and get ready for class to start. I have already missed out on countless things staying with my parents this summer, but I also saved a lot of money.

I want my life under control. I want my mood under control. I need to go to the library and pick up a book. Talk to you later.

I’m back. My trip to pick up that book on natural ways of fighting Bipolar disorder has failed. The book was checked out. I do, however, have it on hold.

I was trying to do some research into ways to stand up and fight instead of seating back and waiting for the medication to work. It is best to work as a team, and I wanted to give you some quality advice on how to do that.

I am sorry that I failed my mission. I will never make it as a ninja warrior. Let me see if I have any feedback on the group yet. No nothing. I took a break to make a flier to put up around campus about the student group. The only way to know if there are people out there who want to be in a group like the one I have planned is to spread the word.

I started a group on Facebook, and am hoping that thee medium spread the word about the new student group like wildfire. It is only a matter of time. This will not be like my other online projects. This is something beyond me. It is something more important, and if I can build up a base of people, and keep them together, and we all have a goal in mind, the goal of fighting the stigma of mental illness, then we could go wonderful things.

I think I have written enough for now. See you.

U of M Depression Center, again

I am in the University of Michigan Depression Center as we speak. My mother is seating right by me talking, and I am once again immuring how absolutely beautiful this building is on the inside. The lighting, the artwork, the seating, if they had a good Internet connection I would gladly take coffee here and use this as a café. If I had Internet I would write an email to the Depression Center explaining the need. If I was to start a club fighting the stigma of mental illnesses I would encourage students to come to the Wednesday meeting for Teen-College Aged persons. I just don’t know if I have what it takes to be the mastermind behind a whole organization. I think there would have to be a website where members could post things related to the subject of mental illness. My mother is now laying down on the sofa resting. She, like me with my medication, can get very tired, but not nearly as bad as I have the curse of tiredness. You know what the student organization sounds like a much better idea then any of my other ones so far. It is not so self-centered and it is a challenge. The trick will be finding people to join my club. What should I call the club? Fighting Stigma. Opening Minds. Creating Understanding.

My sister Theresa thinks that by doing the Club project it would take control out of my hands and make it depend on people who I do not know, or do not exist. That is a good thought, but I think that there would be a demand for the group out there. She also thinks that it is too much work before getting to the art part of it. I think that I will keep this one as an opinion to be introduced at the beginning of the school year. I posted an ad on Craigslist about a new student organization in hopes of getting some feedback. I should also put up fliers around campus.

Challenges

Today I am going to the support group. I cannot disclose information about the group. It is top secret. In fact Support Group is just a code name for top-secret military operation. That is right, even though I have never been in the military my website writing skills are so advanced that I am employed by the government. In fact I am having no trouble at all getting people to visit my site because the whole thing is really a secret code that I have been trained extensively in. So much so that it is like a second language to me.

Hope is coming. I am not sleeping as much as I used to. I can force myself to get up! I have known this for a long time, but it is getting better. It seems that even without having to force myself to get up I am sleeping less, because I am staying up late. I tossed around last night for a long time trying to get to sleep! I will be able to face the school year. I know it. It will not be like the Florida trip where when I got home I had two days of solid sleeping to make up for the sleep I didn’t get during the trip because I was keeping normal hours during the trip.

Think what would you write about if you could write anything in the world. That is the challenge I have before me right now. I have a computer and keys that work just fine. I have been trained in how to type properly, and I time on my hands. I could write a novel in the space between work and school. I could set myself some grand goal. I have the equipment. The novel would have artwork by the author. What would you write? Fantasy? History? Chess strategy?

I have so much equipment in my hands. Right here in this computer. If it were not for my illness I would have used last summer working (hopefully at the library, at the beginning of the summer they were looking for people to work), and doing 3-D modeling because right at that point in time I had a passion for 3-D modeling. Oh, the things I could have done. My passion for 3-D modeling did not hold up under depression. Oh, well.

Right now I am in the art school with the goal of surviving. I have challenges lied before me. Because of my illness I have to get at least eight hours of sleep EVERY night. I must avoid stress. I must be kind to my body. No alcohol. ETC.

Overall I would say this has been a successful post. I think this is one that I can be proud of. I can pat myself on the back and say, “Good job, but don’t stop writing just yet. You got up early so you have time to burn and you need to find something to do. Why not continue writing?” I say to myself, “Well, I guess I could try.”

There are lots of things about my life that you will slowly learn about me this coming year. You will hear about events, repetitive or unique. My fears, I think you can already get a feel of what they are. My dreams, I have no idea what these are so good luck finding them. And so on forth.

I drafted into nothingness once. I don’t know for how long because nothing exists without time. It was a state without thought. I was sitting there one moment and the next moment I was vaguely remembering that I was in the middle of class and I needed to come out of this. I cannot say it was peaceful. It just wasn’t anything.
I have three hours left until I head out for Ann Arbor. Hopefully the traffic will be better this time. Last time it was at a stand still for a while.

I think that if I continue to write it would become quite boring after a while. So I will find something else to do and say good-bye to you.

The Struggle is withing sight

As interesting as Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil are, and I am sure that you are on the edge of your seats just waiting for me to give the word from my pDoc. I however have discovered a side effect that was the reason that I was taken off Risperdal and was taken down the bumping path to Zyprexa.

I guess that because mothers go through the same thing without it being considered disgusting I can tell you. Milk is coming out of my breasts. I think that if I stayed on Zyprexa I would stop having periods and it would be like taking birth control pills. It’s a good thing that Zoloft has taken away my sex drive because it would be embarrassing to explain to anyone.

I, however, will request that no changes be made in my medication until next summer. It has taken me too long to adapt to this change in medication, for a while I would be so sleepily that during car rides I would fall asleep, and when we got home I couldn’t manage to get up and go into bed. I just slept there.

I want to cry. I sleep so much, and it seems to be out of my control. Will the need to stay awake during the school year be enough to keep me awake? Will I finally be brought down? So far I have been lucky with everything just barely working. Can I make it?

I have to face the facts. It is possible that my disability (Bipolar disorder is a disability) will disable me. There are some cases (people) where medication does not work as well others. Every brain is different.

There, the coldness of the wetness in my eyes is comforting. I don’t know why, but I find tears comforting. Anyway… I have spoken. I will now go to the Bipolar World Cafe, and see how my post is doing.

I was quite disappointed in how my post at the Bipolar World Café was doing. Not much to be said other then it is a nice place to visit and order a Mocha. Have you tried McDonald's version of a Mocha? Either the dude making it had no idea what he was doing, or it is horrible.

I am sorry to gross you out, but you have to realize that disgusting side effects are a possibility.

I’ve yet to get many people to come to my site. I am crossing my fingers and sitting back, hoping that my site will be discovered. I am going to put a link up on my youTube site. I’m going to have to start getting creative when it comes to getting people to come to my website. That is why I created the youTube video, not the one with all the animals, but the other one.

I’m listening to Rent right now, they are singing, “How are we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, last years rent.” That is going to be me very soon. I’m getting ready for it.

Something done...

I misspelled character, but here is a little something a made yesterday. It has little meaning.

Fish oil fights back!

I forgot that Fish Oil helps with cholesterol, but with the large amounts of Fish Oil that people with Bipolar disorder seem to take the little bit of cholesterol inside the Fish Oil can be a big problem.

The makers of these studies were not thinking about people with Bipolar disorder and it is high time someone did more studies on these natural ways of helping with the disorder that people have been using for centuries. I'm sorry to give you a bad lead. It’s just that I noticed a cholesterol increase when I increased my Fish Oil, and I thought that there was something behind it.

It is possible that there is a limit to how much Fish Oil can help you, and after a point it just adds to your cholesterol. Don’t ask me. I’m not a Doctor. I, however, am going to continue to take both Flaxseed Oil and Fish Oil, but at the highest recommended dose on the bottle and no more. I think that there are implications that are beyond the understanding of a pDoc. pDoc’s are studied in the brain much more then the body, and if they give the O.K. for someone to go beyond the recommended dose do they stop to ask why the recommendation was there to begin with?

I think, however, that having both Flaxseed, and Fish Oil will be better for me overall. The body needs variety.

Does Flaxseed Oil win?

The debate between Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil has been a topic I have been thinking about even since I heard had Fish Oil high cholesterol, and realized that even that little bit of cholesterol in Fish Oil can make a difference when you are taking a lot of it.

So far I have had no news on the fight between Flaxseed Oil and Fish Oil so I will right now do a quick google search.

Ok, for a long time I have known that EPA (eicosopentaenoic acid) the ingredient in Fish Oil that works on the brain in helping with depression and Bipolar disorder. That is what all the studies I have read repeat.

I was upset that when I looked at the back of Flaxseed Oil that it did not have EPA as one of the ingredients, but I wondered if the others ingredient in it could also help the brain. Apparently Flaxseed Oil’s main ingredient ALA (Alpha-linolenic acid) is metabolized into EPA, so your body can do the work for you. Flaxseed Oil doesn’t have the cholesterol, and has lower calories, so spread the word. Flaxseed Oil should have a study done on it as well, but based on what is being reported it should do the job, and maybe even do it better.

If you read and want me to continue writing any of these stories I have written just contact me.

The Guys of Naruto As Animals

Here is a treat for any Naruto lovers out there. I find watching the instructor Kakashi hard to resist. There is something about the way he moves. I guess that it is because he moves like a top quality ninja.

I have noticed something lacking in the show. There are no computers. How can they live? They seem to write out everything by hand.

OVerJoYouSly

I am overjoyed at the moment. It is something to say, because only a minute ago I was thinking that I was feeling sad. Oh, these little unstable waves we all have to deal with, or at least I imagine that someone who isn’t Bipolar also will have these same sad moments for no reason, and beautiful minutes following it. I don’t know what my summer would have been like if I had found a job right away. I was in a sad place… I don’t mean the location, just a place menially.

I seriously wanted a serious job this summer. I wanted be making enough money that I could waste some of it on the good thing in life. You might me thinking that I wasted my money on my lovely Mac, but this laptop is a tool. I am an artist, and it was a requirement of the art school I attend. This is a school that I cannot wait to get out of. I have had no more creative bursts of energy about my Senior project.

Pay no attention to that long and boring post about art stuff, unless you find that kind of thing interesting.

Anyway, after looking over my new website, which so far two people have stopped by for less than five seconds, not counting Weird Cake, who put me in her links, and my sister. I am doing very well you see. This kind of thing takes time I guess. I have to think of a good way to get hits. I’m going to need some honey, and patience.

Oh, and until I get an answer from my doctor about Flaxseed Oil I will be taking both Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil.