Its been a long time

More Snow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Last night I was thinking ‘profound’ things as I tried to sleep. Quite a while ago my Zyprexa was decreased and I didn’t go crazy. My brain was relieved and thinking became easier. When I focus on how my brain feels now it does not feel dulled. Well maybe a little bit dulled… My parents even told me that my eyes look alive again. (I had been told that my eyes were cloudy a long time ago. I knew that I felt this way, but the comment upset me because there was nothing I could do about it.)

Weeks ago, while sleeping, an old daydream I had popped into my head (from when I was storing up a story even if I never meant to write it.) I had stopped thinking of this daydream years before I even went to college, but I was so happy that it was in my dream. For two days I was caught up in the story. I lived life still, but at every chance my mind was full of fantasy. Then I got bored of this, and I only think about it sporadically.

I wonder sometimes if I am a good enough writer to convey it, but I think that, even if I was, it has been over thought. All the ideas and years would weigh it down taking away a free feeling. Perhaps I would be better off finding something new.

I have been told that I am a good writer, but all I write based in my life. I spend very little time writing any fantasy. As my sister told me, ‘it is not skill that makes my writing good, but that it is filled with fresh ideas.’ Or at least that is how I understood what was said. I have a unique way of saying things as well, but if I added skill maybe that would disappear.

Finally an update on sleep! I have been sleeping much less, but still too much. I was set up to take a sleep study, but my daytime sleepiness wasn’t great enough for insurance to cover it. I tried to explain that I was able to sleep a lot now and that is the reason I wasn’t always sleepy. This kind of thing does not show through on a questionnaire. No sleep study for me.

The concept of a sleep study gave me momentary hope, but when insurance wouldn’t cover it I cried. I was then told that there was a free test that covers two kinds of sleeping disorders, and maybe if I passed/failed I could have the study.

My disorder was not one of the two in the free test. To add onto this the person who recorded my test told me that in no way should I think that I didn’t have a sleeping disorder. There are about 20 sleeping disorders and this only covers two. I shouldn’t be sleeping the amount that I do, and
in the future another Dr. might ask for a sleep study again. Plus, I have the facial features of someone with such a disorder.

After being turned down a weird kind of anger popped up. I thought this is the anger of someone who abuses a wife. (Don’t worry I had no anger to physically hurt anyone.) It scared and confused me that I could feel this way and it was a pretty quiet walk to the door. (The person walked me to the elevator and took me to the right floor.) In the car anger finally turned to tears, and when I was home I had to get on the treadmill to push them away. At night I cried again.

The thought that I could have a sleeping disorder and nothing could be done about it, and that I had already sleep so much of my life away kept me crying for quite a while. I reasoned that I had tried to kill myself so I was in no position to worry about losing so much of my life.

As for the strange anger I want to talk with a therapist about it. It is on the list of things to bring up when I finally have another visit. I think that it is a very human reaction, but what I could become if I reacted this way is not good. I think of it as a sign that I would not be a good girlfriend. Not that my mental and sleep disorders are not enough of a sign on their own. My sister thinks that I, unlike many people, have great kindness, but it seems like she is wrong.

My heart feels sad now. As I also feel bad about not exercising enough to make up for the long time I am inactive (sleeping). Sometimes my body feels like it needs movement. My body wants to run. My legs never agree with that though, and I end up walking uphill.

I (as always) turned a happy post into a sad one, but I haven’t posted in a while so good and bad things add up. I also haven’t had therapy since summer so bare with me. I just wanted you to know.