Podcasts/doodles

I am trying to listen to podcasts, but I find I cannot focus on them. I don't want to just sit there, and once I start doing other things I lose focus. So I can only do artwork while listening. Here are a few.

This isn't artwork meant to be outstanding, but to keep my mind going without being to distracting.

Since my sleeping disorder started the only medication not changed (to see if it has effect) is Lamictal. I have long be suspicious of Lamictal... first it was a long time getting to full strength (there was a mix up where I was on less then Dr. *name* thought for a while, plus it takes a long time to be introduced into the system). About 3 months after taking it at full strength I started having sleeping issues. The excessive sedation caused by Geodon covered this up because on Geodon I became narcoleptic.

I know that it takes a long time for a medication to take full effect. It took a year before Lamictal stopped giving me pimples. When I cut back on it I might get pimples again (lol). (Not sure if I will send this to you or post it... only Mom reads my Blog.)

So the next medication in line to be tested for sleeping issues (by decreasing it) is Lamictal, but I got disheartened. I tried to look up a sleep research place that might test me. (Having Schizoaffective Bipolar might interest them). Insurance will not cover a sleep study, but there might be ways around that... like those depression tests that offer free care for months (and money as a plus).

I walked down an Internet path (which I do not completely remember) and stopped at the word somnolence. I read the wikipedia entry and settled on the term hypersomnia. In both cases it can be caused by medication. Some web searching also reveled it can be caused by both Zyprexa and Lamictal.

So once again I am diagnosing myself and pinpointing which medication does not set well with me. lol.

I asked a psychic about my illness (didn't spend lots of money) and they said that it would be cared only if I get all my medication information into one doctor. Yet I am that information. What is there to solve? If decreasing Lamictal doesn't get rid of it there is nothing I can do. Nothing except finding a bit of research that will take care of the sleep study for me.

I'm angry! People are saying that mentally ill people are psychics who cannot swim

For a while I have wondered what the difference between psychic and psychosis is. I took this debate to a psychic forum and some seemed to think that the mentally ill were weak psychics so torn apart by their powers that the negative part took over or that they were simply too weak to handle their powers. After my time in the mental hospital I did think that I had become psychic and couldn't handle it, but I was ill. After I few posts I came up with as follows:

(I know that my post on the forum was not well explained and could also make people mad. I think that the general idea shows through.)

"Sorry to post again so soon, but over cooking dinner an idea popped into my head. Psychics respond to the powers outside the brain while the mentally ill respond to the powers inside the brain.

The brain is a powerful thing and obviously uses many voices (nice and/or seemingly evil). So while the mentally ill are responding to a power, they cannot reflect on anything outside of themselves. Yes, in this state the brain can analyze things outside of itself (words, sound, and sight) in wonderfully creative ways, but the process is extremely internal. You are, in a sense, debating with yourself. (I hope I am not debating in a way only I can understand.)

In many cases those in mania become extremely spiritual and think they are contacting the metaphysical/divine world, but in their state they are still contacting something within themselves.

As you know this is nothing like psychic power."

I thought that this was an insightful comment so I tried to look up 'psychic vs psychosis,' to see if anyone else had said the same. I found a site that said mystics could swim in their powers and mentally ill could not. (Upon reading this site I find it very interesting, but my brain was in no mood to understand it without lots of effort. I do not know if it is how the arguments are written or if it is a problem with myself.)

ANOTHER SITE POSTED: (Link taken down as it is now a reported attack site. Sorry if it caused you any problems.)

"With this in mind, one might ask, "What is the difference between being mentally ill and prophetic?" My own psychiatrist once gave me the answer:

People who hear voices and see things that aren't there can be classified into two groups. The first group are people who cannot cope with these voices and are called mentally ill. The second group are people who can cope with the voices and are called psychic. It is my personal belief that being psychic and being psychotic are the same thing depending upon how you cope with it. Society in general regards people who talk to God as holy. But society in general regards people whom God talks to as insane."

YOU HAVE A STUPID PSYCHIATRIST! OH I HAVE WORDS TO SAY TO THIS, BUT I AM TOO MUCH OF A LADY!

Charity

Charity
As a society, particularly in the city, we have been taught to just walk by those who need us on the street. We realize that giving money to one homeless person can be problematic. They could spend it on drugs, or possibility they are just pretending. So we push it out of our mind. A friend of mine who often visited India once told me that if you give money to one person others asking for help would surround you. Perhaps this stems from our concept of protecting our wealth.

A little education can show society that we do not have to walk away from the homeless feeling guilty because we can give to charities who will make sure the aid actually goes to the homeless, and make sure that it is not spent on drugs. Also, we can learn that giving aid to other countries through reputable charities does not threaten our wealth, but make it grow. Enabling others to make a living helps save their skills and intellect that could be lost to the world. Perhaps we measure wealth a little too much by numbers.

The problem becomes teaching others to aid others, and how to best do it.

The Bad News

The bad news is in. My hearing is going, slowly. I have been pushing aside moments when I just cannot make out what a person was saying, but it happens more and more often. It is not that I can't hear them make noise, but my brain can not process what was being said. 

So I went to google figuring I could find a study that would say: At times some-people cannot discern words due to an amorality in the part of the brain that handles word processing. I would blame this on my medications. What I discovered, though I did not look into much, was that there are two possible problems. The book When the Brain Can't Hear by Teri James Bellis corresponds with my theory... even if she wouldn't like 'amorality' as a describing cause (I think). APD is the term for this. The book also draws me to another possible explanation, presbycusis, or a loss of hearing at higher frequencies or pitches. Making some syllables too quiet to hear. This is seen in the elderly, but I am certain that is not isolated with just the elderly. 

I am also sure that a simple hearing test will tell me which is the problem. You see if it is hearing loss then the problem will get worse, and I need to stop whichever medication is causing it (which based on quick searches it could be any of my medications). If it is APD based in the brain, (APD is another umbrella term like Bipolar) then the problem will not get worse and can be ignored.

To my pDoc I might have to insist the problem could be in my medication. I had to tell him (yes I changed) that there are many different side effects when he was skeptical of... I forget what, but something I had found others complain about it also... online. He has told I was on a very low dose of Zyprexa so it shouldn't be making me sleepy. (I've gone from 20 mg to 5 mg... which makes me question is I am really Schozoaffective Bipolar... I was on 7.5 when he said this.) I wanted to say: "I am on a high enough dose to not be insane. Seems pretty big to me."

I just asked this question on yahoo answers:

Does epinephrine react with Zyprexa, Wellburten, or Lamitcal in a bad way?
I went to the dentist today, and my heart went crazy after the numbing injection. I figured that I was not allergic so my heart would calm down (I've had shots before). The thing is my heart feels tired now, and the numbing took hours to go away. I feel sort of sickish/exhausted. Not that this is any thing new as I am on some serious medications. I am just checking to see if I should worry.

Revoking last posting

It made no sense so bye-bye Post. Yes I know, it is most popular cereal of all Bloggers, and the one largely responsible for feeding me lunch/dinner/and breakfast all my life. If only Kraft didn't buy them out... and therefore connect it to another company, that will go unnamed, which I do not like.

Note to self (put in computer calendar)

The note is as follows:
After waiting for a long time I sent out an email. The seller said it had been lost in the mall, but is (s)he making it up? The new part was sent Priority. Was it out of a guilty conscience?
stop

I have a habit for storing little bits of information with the idea I will find it in the future. Not that I will remember to look back into my calendar to see it. The times I note down experiences are kind of random so who would know where to look. Perhaps the mind works this way too.

As I recall the book "Animals in Translation,"... No.. I am not sure what scholarly text it was picked this up from. As I recall from something I read in college, there was a person who could remember the weather, day of the week, and (maybe... I cannot completely resurrect) things that happened to her years later. Just give her the date and year, and she could tell you. (I am suddenly reminded that my english teacher in middle school said it was not good to use 'you' referring to the reader. Not that I am particularly concerned with writing rules... as you can see) For some reason this wonder never helped her remember things for tests.

This leads me to think that somewhere in my head the note in my calendar will be stored. Years from now this Friday the 13 will be just as important as it seems now. It also seems that memorization for tests is pointless unless it is backed up, and not everyday school backing it up either. I guess it is somewhere in there as well, but it must be another part of the brain.

I always had wonderful grades in spanish (except in pronunciation... which is also true in english). But I would like to tell you: 'No hablo espanol.' NO HABLO ESPANOL.
I only remember 'biblioteca' because it reminded me of The Hobbit. (Not the Lord of the Rings... I am not sure if I had read it at that point. I guess I did, because all my brothers had read it. In fact I was as upset as happy when the Lord of the Rings came out because it took away the specialness of having read the story. Plus, at that point it didn't have my favorite line in the book. That was added in the extended version. Now one would think that I read it because of the movie. It did, however, allow me to joke around about the ending without giving much away. "In the end someone trips." I hope that it didn't give too much away.)

(Before reading the rest I will say that I only show my emails. The rest is up to your mind to piece together a reality.)

I have respectively enclosed the correspondence of the transfer... the emails sent and replayed. Have I used the word correspondence before. Sounds like a line from a murder mystery. I have not disclosed names or companies... that is where I get the 'respectively' from. The question of 'respectively' is heavily on my mind as I have not asked for permission to display any emails... fine I will only show my part of the conversation.

Even if this has nothing to do with work, it somehow seems like the very thing that got Dooce was fired for. (For the newer Blog readers, Dooce is a famous Blogger who was fired for having a Blog. Mainly because she talked about work on her Blog. Other Bloggers have been fired for their website before. So never talk about work on your blog... if it can be traced back to you.)

If you don't enjoy looking at the mundane, but informative on a persons soul, do not read the rest of this post. I must ask you, however, why are you reading a Blog?

The email sent:

Dear (classified),

Hello,
I was wondering if there is a way I can check what part of the
mailing process the optical drive is in. Once in the past I had a
package that got caught up (and messed up) in the mail and it
took a very long time to show up. I just want to know if it is time
to stop looking in every practical location for the package.
Good day!

-me

The email sent:

Hello (classified),
Could I have a replacement? Thanks. And have a awesome... night.
-me

I have written way to much in this post....