Podcasts/doodles

I am trying to listen to podcasts, but I find I cannot focus on them. I don't want to just sit there, and once I start doing other things I lose focus. So I can only do artwork while listening. Here are a few.

This isn't artwork meant to be outstanding, but to keep my mind going without being to distracting.

Since my sleeping disorder started the only medication not changed (to see if it has effect) is Lamictal. I have long be suspicious of Lamictal... first it was a long time getting to full strength (there was a mix up where I was on less then Dr. *name* thought for a while, plus it takes a long time to be introduced into the system). About 3 months after taking it at full strength I started having sleeping issues. The excessive sedation caused by Geodon covered this up because on Geodon I became narcoleptic.

I know that it takes a long time for a medication to take full effect. It took a year before Lamictal stopped giving me pimples. When I cut back on it I might get pimples again (lol). (Not sure if I will send this to you or post it... only Mom reads my Blog.)

So the next medication in line to be tested for sleeping issues (by decreasing it) is Lamictal, but I got disheartened. I tried to look up a sleep research place that might test me. (Having Schizoaffective Bipolar might interest them). Insurance will not cover a sleep study, but there might be ways around that... like those depression tests that offer free care for months (and money as a plus).

I walked down an Internet path (which I do not completely remember) and stopped at the word somnolence. I read the wikipedia entry and settled on the term hypersomnia. In both cases it can be caused by medication. Some web searching also reveled it can be caused by both Zyprexa and Lamictal.

So once again I am diagnosing myself and pinpointing which medication does not set well with me. lol.

I asked a psychic about my illness (didn't spend lots of money) and they said that it would be cared only if I get all my medication information into one doctor. Yet I am that information. What is there to solve? If decreasing Lamictal doesn't get rid of it there is nothing I can do. Nothing except finding a bit of research that will take care of the sleep study for me.

I'm angry! People are saying that mentally ill people are psychics who cannot swim

For a while I have wondered what the difference between psychic and psychosis is. I took this debate to a psychic forum and some seemed to think that the mentally ill were weak psychics so torn apart by their powers that the negative part took over or that they were simply too weak to handle their powers. After my time in the mental hospital I did think that I had become psychic and couldn't handle it, but I was ill. After I few posts I came up with as follows:

(I know that my post on the forum was not well explained and could also make people mad. I think that the general idea shows through.)

"Sorry to post again so soon, but over cooking dinner an idea popped into my head. Psychics respond to the powers outside the brain while the mentally ill respond to the powers inside the brain.

The brain is a powerful thing and obviously uses many voices (nice and/or seemingly evil). So while the mentally ill are responding to a power, they cannot reflect on anything outside of themselves. Yes, in this state the brain can analyze things outside of itself (words, sound, and sight) in wonderfully creative ways, but the process is extremely internal. You are, in a sense, debating with yourself. (I hope I am not debating in a way only I can understand.)

In many cases those in mania become extremely spiritual and think they are contacting the metaphysical/divine world, but in their state they are still contacting something within themselves.

As you know this is nothing like psychic power."

I thought that this was an insightful comment so I tried to look up 'psychic vs psychosis,' to see if anyone else had said the same. I found a site that said mystics could swim in their powers and mentally ill could not. (Upon reading this site I find it very interesting, but my brain was in no mood to understand it without lots of effort. I do not know if it is how the arguments are written or if it is a problem with myself.)

ANOTHER SITE POSTED: (Link taken down as it is now a reported attack site. Sorry if it caused you any problems.)

"With this in mind, one might ask, "What is the difference between being mentally ill and prophetic?" My own psychiatrist once gave me the answer:

People who hear voices and see things that aren't there can be classified into two groups. The first group are people who cannot cope with these voices and are called mentally ill. The second group are people who can cope with the voices and are called psychic. It is my personal belief that being psychic and being psychotic are the same thing depending upon how you cope with it. Society in general regards people who talk to God as holy. But society in general regards people whom God talks to as insane."

YOU HAVE A STUPID PSYCHIATRIST! OH I HAVE WORDS TO SAY TO THIS, BUT I AM TOO MUCH OF A LADY!

Charity

Charity
As a society, particularly in the city, we have been taught to just walk by those who need us on the street. We realize that giving money to one homeless person can be problematic. They could spend it on drugs, or possibility they are just pretending. So we push it out of our mind. A friend of mine who often visited India once told me that if you give money to one person others asking for help would surround you. Perhaps this stems from our concept of protecting our wealth.

A little education can show society that we do not have to walk away from the homeless feeling guilty because we can give to charities who will make sure the aid actually goes to the homeless, and make sure that it is not spent on drugs. Also, we can learn that giving aid to other countries through reputable charities does not threaten our wealth, but make it grow. Enabling others to make a living helps save their skills and intellect that could be lost to the world. Perhaps we measure wealth a little too much by numbers.

The problem becomes teaching others to aid others, and how to best do it.

The Bad News

The bad news is in. My hearing is going, slowly. I have been pushing aside moments when I just cannot make out what a person was saying, but it happens more and more often. It is not that I can't hear them make noise, but my brain can not process what was being said. 

So I went to google figuring I could find a study that would say: At times some-people cannot discern words due to an amorality in the part of the brain that handles word processing. I would blame this on my medications. What I discovered, though I did not look into much, was that there are two possible problems. The book When the Brain Can't Hear by Teri James Bellis corresponds with my theory... even if she wouldn't like 'amorality' as a describing cause (I think). APD is the term for this. The book also draws me to another possible explanation, presbycusis, or a loss of hearing at higher frequencies or pitches. Making some syllables too quiet to hear. This is seen in the elderly, but I am certain that is not isolated with just the elderly. 

I am also sure that a simple hearing test will tell me which is the problem. You see if it is hearing loss then the problem will get worse, and I need to stop whichever medication is causing it (which based on quick searches it could be any of my medications). If it is APD based in the brain, (APD is another umbrella term like Bipolar) then the problem will not get worse and can be ignored.

To my pDoc I might have to insist the problem could be in my medication. I had to tell him (yes I changed) that there are many different side effects when he was skeptical of... I forget what, but something I had found others complain about it also... online. He has told I was on a very low dose of Zyprexa so it shouldn't be making me sleepy. (I've gone from 20 mg to 5 mg... which makes me question is I am really Schozoaffective Bipolar... I was on 7.5 when he said this.) I wanted to say: "I am on a high enough dose to not be insane. Seems pretty big to me."

I just asked this question on yahoo answers:

Does epinephrine react with Zyprexa, Wellburten, or Lamitcal in a bad way?
I went to the dentist today, and my heart went crazy after the numbing injection. I figured that I was not allergic so my heart would calm down (I've had shots before). The thing is my heart feels tired now, and the numbing took hours to go away. I feel sort of sickish/exhausted. Not that this is any thing new as I am on some serious medications. I am just checking to see if I should worry.

Revoking last posting

It made no sense so bye-bye Post. Yes I know, it is most popular cereal of all Bloggers, and the one largely responsible for feeding me lunch/dinner/and breakfast all my life. If only Kraft didn't buy them out... and therefore connect it to another company, that will go unnamed, which I do not like.

Note to self (put in computer calendar)

The note is as follows:
After waiting for a long time I sent out an email. The seller said it had been lost in the mall, but is (s)he making it up? The new part was sent Priority. Was it out of a guilty conscience?
stop

I have a habit for storing little bits of information with the idea I will find it in the future. Not that I will remember to look back into my calendar to see it. The times I note down experiences are kind of random so who would know where to look. Perhaps the mind works this way too.

As I recall the book "Animals in Translation,"... No.. I am not sure what scholarly text it was picked this up from. As I recall from something I read in college, there was a person who could remember the weather, day of the week, and (maybe... I cannot completely resurrect) things that happened to her years later. Just give her the date and year, and she could tell you. (I am suddenly reminded that my english teacher in middle school said it was not good to use 'you' referring to the reader. Not that I am particularly concerned with writing rules... as you can see) For some reason this wonder never helped her remember things for tests.

This leads me to think that somewhere in my head the note in my calendar will be stored. Years from now this Friday the 13 will be just as important as it seems now. It also seems that memorization for tests is pointless unless it is backed up, and not everyday school backing it up either. I guess it is somewhere in there as well, but it must be another part of the brain.

I always had wonderful grades in spanish (except in pronunciation... which is also true in english). But I would like to tell you: 'No hablo espanol.' NO HABLO ESPANOL.
I only remember 'biblioteca' because it reminded me of The Hobbit. (Not the Lord of the Rings... I am not sure if I had read it at that point. I guess I did, because all my brothers had read it. In fact I was as upset as happy when the Lord of the Rings came out because it took away the specialness of having read the story. Plus, at that point it didn't have my favorite line in the book. That was added in the extended version. Now one would think that I read it because of the movie. It did, however, allow me to joke around about the ending without giving much away. "In the end someone trips." I hope that it didn't give too much away.)

(Before reading the rest I will say that I only show my emails. The rest is up to your mind to piece together a reality.)

I have respectively enclosed the correspondence of the transfer... the emails sent and replayed. Have I used the word correspondence before. Sounds like a line from a murder mystery. I have not disclosed names or companies... that is where I get the 'respectively' from. The question of 'respectively' is heavily on my mind as I have not asked for permission to display any emails... fine I will only show my part of the conversation.

Even if this has nothing to do with work, it somehow seems like the very thing that got Dooce was fired for. (For the newer Blog readers, Dooce is a famous Blogger who was fired for having a Blog. Mainly because she talked about work on her Blog. Other Bloggers have been fired for their website before. So never talk about work on your blog... if it can be traced back to you.)

If you don't enjoy looking at the mundane, but informative on a persons soul, do not read the rest of this post. I must ask you, however, why are you reading a Blog?

The email sent:

Dear (classified),

Hello,
I was wondering if there is a way I can check what part of the
mailing process the optical drive is in. Once in the past I had a
package that got caught up (and messed up) in the mail and it
took a very long time to show up. I just want to know if it is time
to stop looking in every practical location for the package.
Good day!

-me

The email sent:

Hello (classified),
Could I have a replacement? Thanks. And have a awesome... night.
-me

I have written way to much in this post....

I passed

Computer stuff only

Disco kitty (old work)
Originally uploaded by RedTea

The CD drive in my computer is broken. I ordered one off of Ebay and I have been waiting for it to arrive. I am thinking of installing it myself (possibly with help of sister). Apparently I need to ground myself first by touching a piece of metal. Otherwise the charge in my body could destroy things. (I do not know if this is true, but it wouldn’t hurt.)

I looked up the steps online and I have to say I am nervous. What do you think the labor would be… looks like $200 it is normally $300, but I already have the optical drive. SO at least I will get the experience (I cannot afford $200).

You see I would need to have the optical (CD) drive working if the computer broke down. An external CD drive would not work in this case, but I overlooked something in my reasoning. I am sure that hooking up another computer would work. Oh well, I already have the drive.

I forgot to ask (at IT office through college) for the CD that was used to update my computer to Tiger (operating system). It was free so I am not sure I can get one. As things are, if my computer brakes I might have to go into Ann Arbor for the disk. Unless I can figure out the code of the system to find a way to get Apple to… anyway I should best ask the IT place.

I just sent out an email to them.

I think it would be rude to go into deep thoughts, and such and such, after making people read about my computer. So this will be a strictly computer post.

Blessings and website changes

Pink cat (old work)
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Ahh, I forgot what I was going to write about. A lot of people would say that if you cannot remember it then it is not important. But the blog world revolves over this kind of thing.

I have been blessed. Last night it dawned on me that I have made it through a lot of mistakes. For example after my episode (perhaps my memory was blurred) I forgot the proper way to handle the bandsaw and could have seriously cut off a finger, but I realized that it wasn’t safe. What do I do about this? My mind worked through the problem and came up with the same solution I had been taught. I only vaguely remembered being taught this.

I did some web-page changes that are likely invisible. I took off AdSense because it was doing nothing much, but then I decided to check if I had ever made anything. I put my ads back up.

I tried to make the SocialVibe ad (was Colgate or Spore) on the side actually fit into the space on the right… I managed to do so, but then there was this wide space under it that I did not like. I also somehow managed to mess up my Flickr wadget so I took it off. When trying to replace the Flickr wadget I discovered that you could no longer find the same design (it is only a little different). I really need to get another banner. I will see what I can do.

Poor little kitty

Tiger cub (old work)
Originally uploaded by RedTea

My cat meows outside my room every time I close the door. At night she takes up so much room in the bed, and sometimes I just do not let her in. She will run in when the door opens. It is nighttime now and I am uploading a video to youTube. It is taking forever because I used higher quality as it is offered now. I am not sure that this video will look any better in high quality. It is an old clip.

Ahhhh, stop meowing kitty. It is like she is outside the house meowing to get in. She is already in a warm place why doesn’t she give up?

Quiet kitty! Do you think me typing this will help? If I say it out loud she will just meow more. YES, she stopped… she will start up again, but now I have peace.

She meows so long because other people cave and let her in. As has happened now. The problem is that I give her attention when she comes in. That or she gets to sleep by me. She doesn’t leave when sleeping by me until morning. Sometimes I hope she will move, but she is just repositioning herself. Yes, I am a push over.

Ahhh, upload video.

Ha ha ha. If I play audio of dogs barking and cats meowing she goes crazy.

*next day*
Kitty became afraid when listening to the barks and meows. It must be because it was from video clips of animals at the humane society. Meaning it was the sound of sad and scared animals. She proceeded to look all around the house for the source of the noise and must likely is weary of my computer now.

News just in!

Mirror Mirror
Originally uploaded by RedTea

My sister (I have 3) is thinking about moving in with another sister in New York. At which point there is a possibility of me taking up her lease. I am not sure how much of a chance there is of this, but it would be nice to know soon because I am about to get caught up in life here (ie unable to move).
This might have been a passing thought that my sister brought up in a conversation. (I believe with my Mom) Something that she did not plan to tell me, and would get upset if she knew I knew.

I checked by Amazon.com and they have dark chocolate featured day. Looking at the chocolates I am reminded of the time that an 18 piece Godiva toffees was on sale for $20. (Not the stuff that goes on sale at the end of the season, but fresh.) There were two boxes left. I picked up one for a wedding gift, but I did not want to spend $40. (One box usually cost $35.)
The decision was a tough one and I struggled in my mind. I ended up not getting a box for myself. To this day whenever I see Godiva I am reminded of this lost chance. I guess that is what you get for being cheap.
One of my sisters told me that it would go on sale again, but I hardly go the mall so I would likely miss it.

I wonder if I already wrote this once… I guess not (checked tags).

I am wearing one of my many kitty cat sweatshirts. It is an X-mas one, but it fits me so well. Most of my clothes are for a smaller person now. I need to lose 40lb or more. I have joined the clan of people who wish they were thinner without doing much about it. It used to be that every time I splurged (1/3 a pint of Haagen Dazs) I would exercise. Sure I get on the treadmill every now and then… OK that is it. I had ice cream today so I’m getting on the treadmill.

I am done with the treadmill. As I was taking off my shoes (I use my feet to take off my shoes) one foot was at a very small angle and the ankle gave in and soon I had a very small twisted ankle. It is like this after I exercise where my joints just suddenly give out for a second and usually to no avail (not much happens). It happens with my knees too.

Once though a fluid sac in my foot swelled up and I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. The next day it was painful to walk. Of course, I overacted and concluded that it was because of a circulation problem in my legs, but my leg veins are fine.

I must take care when exercising though because my legs and feet will hurt with one leg hurting more then the other. It wasn’t that bad this time, but considering my now twisted ankle maybe the legs will even themselves out.

Math problems and Bipolar disorder

More cats
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Despite the new freedom of my brain it seems like something has been lost. My brother was playing a mind game that I used to be really good at, and for a long time I couldn’t figure out how it worked. I have Rubics magic and I cannot even begin to picture it. I take two parts and try to keep in mind where they are as I fold and fold and I cannot figure it out. Beyond that I had problems with Stats (even if determination saw me through it) which isn’t anything big considering it was a college course, but it seems as if the math side of the brain (left I think) took a big hit. I know that disuse could account for much of it, but the loss is a little more extreme then is convenient.

There I looked it up.
The search was “Bipolar math.”

First hit was “Mental disorder may spur math problems in teens - Bipolar Math Subtractions - bipolar disorders” at Bnet. There appear to be other hits that cover the topic, but here is a quote from the article:

“The onset of math troubles long before exposure to psychoactive medication underscores Kutcher's suspicion that brain changes associated with bipolar illness disturb math reasoning.”

There are a few more studies in the article as well. Please read it so I don’t have to summarize.

This proves that my suspicions are not just in my mind even if the whole problem is in my brain. It is a good thing I didn’t become an engineer, accountant, or any other such math related field. But the quote raises the question, ‘did the changes in my brain make anything else better?’ Perhaps I have to compensate for this loss of math reasoning, and come up with new ways of reasoning. Like when I needed to write to fight my way through the dullness caused by medication, but now my brain is freer (less medication).

It does however make me sad. I was good at math. I was both brained (used the left and right side of my brain). I took a test in middle school that told me that. Now when faced to problems in the math related department I feel stupid.

(Added much later on: My brother says that High School math is hardly a good judge of math ability. Do you agree with him?)

Its been a long time

More Snow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Last night I was thinking ‘profound’ things as I tried to sleep. Quite a while ago my Zyprexa was decreased and I didn’t go crazy. My brain was relieved and thinking became easier. When I focus on how my brain feels now it does not feel dulled. Well maybe a little bit dulled… My parents even told me that my eyes look alive again. (I had been told that my eyes were cloudy a long time ago. I knew that I felt this way, but the comment upset me because there was nothing I could do about it.)

Weeks ago, while sleeping, an old daydream I had popped into my head (from when I was storing up a story even if I never meant to write it.) I had stopped thinking of this daydream years before I even went to college, but I was so happy that it was in my dream. For two days I was caught up in the story. I lived life still, but at every chance my mind was full of fantasy. Then I got bored of this, and I only think about it sporadically.

I wonder sometimes if I am a good enough writer to convey it, but I think that, even if I was, it has been over thought. All the ideas and years would weigh it down taking away a free feeling. Perhaps I would be better off finding something new.

I have been told that I am a good writer, but all I write based in my life. I spend very little time writing any fantasy. As my sister told me, ‘it is not skill that makes my writing good, but that it is filled with fresh ideas.’ Or at least that is how I understood what was said. I have a unique way of saying things as well, but if I added skill maybe that would disappear.

Finally an update on sleep! I have been sleeping much less, but still too much. I was set up to take a sleep study, but my daytime sleepiness wasn’t great enough for insurance to cover it. I tried to explain that I was able to sleep a lot now and that is the reason I wasn’t always sleepy. This kind of thing does not show through on a questionnaire. No sleep study for me.

The concept of a sleep study gave me momentary hope, but when insurance wouldn’t cover it I cried. I was then told that there was a free test that covers two kinds of sleeping disorders, and maybe if I passed/failed I could have the study.

My disorder was not one of the two in the free test. To add onto this the person who recorded my test told me that in no way should I think that I didn’t have a sleeping disorder. There are about 20 sleeping disorders and this only covers two. I shouldn’t be sleeping the amount that I do, and
in the future another Dr. might ask for a sleep study again. Plus, I have the facial features of someone with such a disorder.

After being turned down a weird kind of anger popped up. I thought this is the anger of someone who abuses a wife. (Don’t worry I had no anger to physically hurt anyone.) It scared and confused me that I could feel this way and it was a pretty quiet walk to the door. (The person walked me to the elevator and took me to the right floor.) In the car anger finally turned to tears, and when I was home I had to get on the treadmill to push them away. At night I cried again.

The thought that I could have a sleeping disorder and nothing could be done about it, and that I had already sleep so much of my life away kept me crying for quite a while. I reasoned that I had tried to kill myself so I was in no position to worry about losing so much of my life.

As for the strange anger I want to talk with a therapist about it. It is on the list of things to bring up when I finally have another visit. I think that it is a very human reaction, but what I could become if I reacted this way is not good. I think of it as a sign that I would not be a good girlfriend. Not that my mental and sleep disorders are not enough of a sign on their own. My sister thinks that I, unlike many people, have great kindness, but it seems like she is wrong.

My heart feels sad now. As I also feel bad about not exercising enough to make up for the long time I am inactive (sleeping). Sometimes my body feels like it needs movement. My body wants to run. My legs never agree with that though, and I end up walking uphill.

I (as always) turned a happy post into a sad one, but I haven’t posted in a while so good and bad things add up. I also haven’t had therapy since summer so bare with me. I just wanted you to know.

I never said I was good at poems

Not cats
Originally uploaded by RedTea

In the quiet alone.
Not really quiet
Not really alone.
Two cats
TV
Dishes moving
Doors closing.

Its funny
How many pill bottles
Empty, Well most of them.
How little space
to put things that used to be in one room.
Another room.
Another building.

Manga
invisible,
online.

A book like those in class
No, not the story kind.
it catches interest
in other ways.
By telling the way things are,
The kind to make you think
you are learning,

Already here
were
Old CD’s.
Computer programs,
too old to run
even if I didn’t have
a MAC.

Old keyboard
Old boxes
Old stuff-
ed animals

Little Origami Cranes
made with love
for my sister, from a boy
long ago.

All
Pointless
to keep,
but I do keep

Pointless:
except for the manga,
and the book of expensive thoughts,
and the cranes (made with love),
and the boxes (stuffs inside),
and the quiet room
with cats and noise.