Oil
Envy
What can we run off of?
Energy.
I toss the word around
in my head.
Sadness
followed by
Envy
drip like oil
from my wounds,
that is where oil
comes from, you know,
most people don’t know.
They toxic us up
until we drip like honey
the sweetest honey comes from the bitterest babies,
but.
as we grow all the sweet
is sucked out.
It is the energy that is taken next,
cars come at a cost after all
we need to steal
the milk
from
baby cows
like we from ourselves,
the world has to run somehow.
where does our oil and honey go?
where our soil and oxygen go.
to the wrong place.
you think you can run off of knowledge
you think you can run off of pride, character, morals
you think you will can use them to replace a smile and a rest
I see you work
I see you and wonder how you run
I see that I was never you
when I could have been you I knew my limits
when I could have been you I knew how to sleep
when I could have been you I knew I couldn’t be you
now I can never be you, I have no opinion
but.
they still know how to take my energy.
What can I run off of
what can I run off of
when the world gets unnaturally
boring, and I cannot sit down
and watch more then five minutes of a movie,
even a good movie?
what can I run off of
when the world gets unnaturally Boring,
and I cannot enjoy anything,
everything I do seems like a waste
because I would have once
enjoyed it, but
I have forgotten the concept.
what when:
I apologue for being bad company, but
I know that I cannot be good company.
all I can do is walk.
so I walk for hours,
it is the highlight
of my life.
I have a job
I can just sit with a book,
and read, if I could enjoy reading,
but I find the job Boring.
I feel so unemotional,
everything seems like nothing
I only find joy in eating
when I am eating I feel normal.
what if I just ate all the time?
I cannot feel anything,
happy or sad
if life continues
to be like this what is the point
what can we run off of?
pride, pride does not work,
you are ashamed of yourself.
character, what does it matter?
are you going to charm your way out?
your character has abandoned you
morals, you can pray
all you want,
I did,
knowledge, knowing the qualities of unnatural boredom,
how are you going to get the motivation?
officials say it helps, but only so much
medication
when I could have been like you I promised myself to never use drugs
now I can be you and use a ‘safer’ form of drugs while others self medicate
Energy
I toss the word around
in my head
I sleep now, sleep a good number of hours
but.
I am still tired
medication has drained out all my oil
it took only a year,
less then a year.
Awake now, I dream of sleep.
sleeping now, I dream of sleep.
I dream of how much I sleep,
how others can stay out late while I
going to bed early
go through the steps of the day, only.
only with getting to sleep at night on my mind
and say to myself,
I am sleepy. I am so sleepy.
When you gain the energy you lost
it hits you in waves
each one slowly getting higher,
slowly or as a blast that destroys all
normal logic.
you will see things in new ways
the sounds alone are so vivid,
vibrations you would have never picked up,
someone in a less energetic state of mind
could close their eyes and find the power
of the sound waves, if only they could hear
as clearly.
but. there is so much all around me,
so much more then sound,
I feel like writing
it is strange that the mind can hear and do
so much in one state
and in another overlooks its abilities, no,
Not use its abilities.
if you could see how I see
when the energy waves
from the sun stop
passing through me
and I admit lights
my pupils
they get wider
I can see it in the mirror
the world just looks different,
I can see the lines in my fake leather purse
light bounces off some of its surface and not the rest
the metal of the clasp seems so metallic
it is the essence, smooth reflective, but not like a mirror
only white light bounces off of this clasp
reds seem more red. when I have energy
I look at the essence of red in a sweatshirt, and I think.
Shit,
I’m hypomanic, again.
P.S. For those of you who are depressed there is hope. I am just trying to recapture what it felt like so others can understand. Depression is not forever. You will regain every part of yourself you feel you have lost and you will discover more. Medication doesn't take away everyones energy, every brain and body is different. Just like every fingerprint or zebra strip is unique. Patience. What a quality. One that I haven't been all that good at.
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