Seeds

Seeds
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Suddenly it dawned on me that even if my seeds do not grow I could do artwork with the seeds. I refuse to hurt the seeds or lose them in my work, but imagine if I filmed a maple seed dancing down. I can vaguely picture something in my head. A film talking about a medication, showing maple seeds falling with clay pots positioned around it on a small wood table, each pot would hold a seed hopefully grown into a seedling, but trees are hard to grow so there is no guarantee of that. Apart from these wonderful seedlings would be the starter trees all wired up and tied up, this is how nature must be bent in order for these medications to work. Maybe just maybe I will have one completed Bonsai tree to represent me; a creature with nature modified by medications.

In a way I am the result of some scientists work because without my medication my life, if I didn’t kill myself, I would be misery.

Things are not turning out well. Something is wrong. I crawl up and except defeat instead of fighting. A mountain is on top of me. Shame surfaces as I find myself unable to face the storm. What can I do? A part of me thinks I should pull out while I still can… take a year working and come back. Come back and be ready. Would I ever come back?

Last year I had fight in me. I had something to prove. This year I just… just am falling apart. It isn’t school that is doing it to me. I wish I could go to school without having to worry about the money, but if I don’t make it this semester that is a lot of money lost. School is a job, without it I am lost. I couldn’t have continued the life I was living over the summer. I could never have faced life with so little propose. So here I am. Meditating. In short I am following the path that makes the most sense to me.

What do I do when I do not fight? Do I spend my time watching television or surfing on the computer? No. I simply take this horrible feeling inside of me and latterly crawl up in a ball inside my lazy boy chair. I let my mind wonder almost in meditation until I drift into sleep. I wake up still tired. I guess I can say I was sick as sick as I have ever been. I have never let everything push me down the way I did yesterday.

If you are wondering how much I am able to sleep then I can honestly answer you two days straight. Tiredness is overcoming me even when I sleep. I am waiting patiently for my body to adapt to the medication. Waiting for it to not be tired anymore. My brain… my brain still feels funny. Do I love my medication or do I hate it? All I no is that I have no choice, but to take it, and that makes me mad. My shoulders are stiff from all that sleep and now seating in a chair.

My sister called my day yesterday a Wellness Day, or a Sanity Day. I don’t know what exactly was pressuring me, but I feel much better now.

I am wondering if it is a good idea to let people from the school excess this post, but there are a lot of posts that revel a bit more about my weakness then I ever intended.

How did I come to start this Online Journal (Blog)? Honestly? I wanted to get an audience and brainwash them. I was going to use my psychic energy to sell Tarot card readings on eBay and use this website to attract buyers. I would take them along with me on my journey to discover the metaphysical world. I would read books and discover so much. If you read the achieves of this Online Journal you will discover shifts in the theme.

Doctor Doctor?

I have always been a nervous person this time of year. I think I have been dealing with anxiety without even knowing it. My pDoc says that it is a common thing along with Bipolar disorder. I remember reading somewhere that people who are Bipolar are also more likely to have anxiety issues.

I was going to see my normal Doctor today, but the power was out at their office so here I am. I was going to see my Dr. about a side effect that shouldn’t have been a result of the medications I am on right now so it must mean something else is wrong. The problem cleared up on its own, but there is still the fact that it was there to begin with so off to the Dr. I go. I have done some reading and the big ‘C’ can cause this problem. I’m not in pain so it is unlikely, but maybe we (my Dr. and me) will discover the reason I have been sleeping so much! Oh, what wonders await me?

The school year has been slowly creeping up on me, and what do you know I have about a week to get my act together. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. I should be happy in that I will have a lot of things to do, and sad in that I will have a lot of stressors. I have avoided stressors very well during the summer, but when it rains it pours.

There I feel better now. I would really like to be outside in the sun right now, but it really is raining. I don’t know what to do. I would like to crawl up inside myself and just sleep. I drafted into nothingness once. I was sitting there on a tour of Detroit in the next mintute I was vaguely remembering that I was in the middle of a class. I think I have told you this before.

I want to get though it this college thing. I am so very, very close. What will I do once I have a degree? Will I continue to torture myself with school so I can become a librarian or will I torture myself with a job? I am in a bad place right now. I was forced into a state of in-betweeness. Well, I guess I ended up there as a result of my choices.

So, I close my eyes and think to myself, why? Why don’t I fight to get myself out of this deep abyss? Why do I care so much? I have been trained to be nervous and to use those nerves to motivate myself to fight my way through project after project. I have used creativity, and passion… two things that are failing me now. I can only hope that as the school year draws ever closer my nerves will become so great that I will have to act on them. Yet this still doesn’t answer the question of why I care. A spark just went off in my head. It is something that I will have to keep secret until I have better worked it out.

Anyway what I am trying to say is that I am walking along a pointless road towards a life that if centered around myself. Every bit of energy used would be for selfish reasons. I have a chance to wake up, but I do not know exactly how, or at least I am unsure enough that I am unwilling to take the risk. I, even in my illustioned state, have a chance to break though the mold. When I was insane I came to the conclusion that in the eyes of an angel everyone seems mentally ill.

The monster gets ever closer

While I was at the library I did pick up a book on Cognitive-Behavior Therapy for Bipolar Disorder. The book is written for therapists, and it is interesting to see therapy from their point of view.

I have been feeling my brain a lot lately. It is more like my brain is demanding to be felt and it feels kind of like it did last summer. Only this time I have more to do. I have goals. Plans. Just thinking about them makes my brain feel better. It seems that when I am in-between action, or in other words doing nothing, that is when I start to feel down.

Typing this post is making me feel better, just like reading yesterday made me feel. I think going to the library triggered memories of sadness.

I don’t know what to do. The school year will make me busy, but it will not cure the problem. I know this because I remember thinking of killing myself a number of times while walking home. It wasn’t because of the pressure of school so much as the sadness in my brain. This feeling has never really gone away. It just lifts up in waves and crashes down in pain. Sure I can forget about it at times, but I will remember it.

I sleep a lot last night. I slept a lot and am still tired. A wave comes up.

Tomorrow I see my pDoc to talk about medication problems.

Perhaps I will be back later today...

I am back. It is nice to see you again. I hope all goes well. I think I will start doing Tarot card readings online again. It is something uplifting to do. It is about taking oneself and reaching out into the sublime. That is a scary thing to do, but I am welling to do it.

I am living today for tomorrow. I really cannot wait to see my pDoc.

I looked at my present for my brothers wedding and was amazed by how beautiful it was once again. I hope they will use it sometime. I think Dana will approve. I did not, however, pay the fee to get into the clay studio in order to make their present. I also did not buy the present from an art gallery, like I was tempted to do. It is still a beautiful gift, and I imagine they would like it. Why? Because I would like it and I have good taste.

Right now I am happy to be in Ann Arbor, it seems that I have to take life moment by moment despite what the books say about feeling normal once the right medication combination is reached. Lets face the horrible facts. This here and now might be it. I cannot afford to go down the slippery road during the school year, so whatever is wrong with me, whatever reason I have been having trouble with sleep ever since I was on Geodon, will have to be pushed into remission for the school year.

I will not give up. I already made it through one semester failing asleep in classes and managed to do enough in the time that I wasn’t sleep to still come out with A’s and B’s. So I need to stop worrying about the school year, because these things tend to come together for me in the end.

The Struggle is withing sight

As interesting as Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil are, and I am sure that you are on the edge of your seats just waiting for me to give the word from my pDoc. I however have discovered a side effect that was the reason that I was taken off Risperdal and was taken down the bumping path to Zyprexa.

I guess that because mothers go through the same thing without it being considered disgusting I can tell you. Milk is coming out of my breasts. I think that if I stayed on Zyprexa I would stop having periods and it would be like taking birth control pills. It’s a good thing that Zoloft has taken away my sex drive because it would be embarrassing to explain to anyone.

I, however, will request that no changes be made in my medication until next summer. It has taken me too long to adapt to this change in medication, for a while I would be so sleepily that during car rides I would fall asleep, and when we got home I couldn’t manage to get up and go into bed. I just slept there.

I want to cry. I sleep so much, and it seems to be out of my control. Will the need to stay awake during the school year be enough to keep me awake? Will I finally be brought down? So far I have been lucky with everything just barely working. Can I make it?

I have to face the facts. It is possible that my disability (Bipolar disorder is a disability) will disable me. There are some cases (people) where medication does not work as well others. Every brain is different.

There, the coldness of the wetness in my eyes is comforting. I don’t know why, but I find tears comforting. Anyway… I have spoken. I will now go to the Bipolar World Cafe, and see how my post is doing.

I was quite disappointed in how my post at the Bipolar World Café was doing. Not much to be said other then it is a nice place to visit and order a Mocha. Have you tried McDonald's version of a Mocha? Either the dude making it had no idea what he was doing, or it is horrible.

I am sorry to gross you out, but you have to realize that disgusting side effects are a possibility.

I’ve yet to get many people to come to my site. I am crossing my fingers and sitting back, hoping that my site will be discovered. I am going to put a link up on my youTube site. I’m going to have to start getting creative when it comes to getting people to come to my website. That is why I created the youTube video, not the one with all the animals, but the other one.

I’m listening to Rent right now, they are singing, “How are we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, last years rent.” That is going to be me very soon. I’m getting ready for it.

Topic? I am supposed to write on a topic?

I should be reading Harry Potter right now so I can finally complete the series, but I am not. I am barely into the book. It seems to me that Rowling is taking a long time to get to the action. I’m sure it will pick up soon. I, however, will continue, to your delight you by blabbing on and on about nothing.

I did start out with two goals in mind as are stated in my opening line. (Look at the Binder.) These are the goals that a how loosely danced around and then cast aside, because they are only two parts of who I am.

Who am I? I have a strong narrative voice. Can’t you hear it?

I can stand the heat very well apparently because I am outside cool and happy while the air conditioner is making the inside an ice box. It seem that ever since I went to Florida I’ve had a new definition of hot.

While in Florida, we walked past the Art Deco Beachside in Miami; we stopped at a Starbucks where I had a Green Tea Frap, my favorite Starbucks drink. My sister picked up some Postcards at a visitor center. She collects postcards. We all got a little sun. By all I mean my mother, three sisters, and me. My sister, if I haven’t told you before is a Flight Attendant, which is a much harder job than it sounds; just think of the hours on an overnight flight with babies crying, people drunk, and everything just miserable. Well my sister can handle that and more. She is a professional.

It is just beautiful weather out here and a view as good as anywhere. A deck were the paint is cracked, and a yard with two balls left there from a game. A cat is sleeping on the deck.

Yes, it is run down, but the trees are old as well, old and healthy. There is one of those Red Maple Trees (maybe its call Black Maple I forget) in front of me as the sunlight passes through it you can see a hint of green on the other side. Next to it at a good distance for growth is a normal green maple.

Sure its not the Mountains of Alaska or the Beaches of Florida, but it is quiet.

I like it here, but I still want the school year to come. I am getting nervous, maybe I told you this before, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg with a meatball on top. This year is going to be different from all the rest. It’s that Senor Project I keep on talking about. You know, I’ve talked about this with you before and yet I cannot get my words to match my worry. I want to do what I am doing now. I want to write my way through a topic until all the ends connect. I want to create a complex picture through words. I want to write until I know what to do.

Sunday's post completed today

I am worried about my future. I am only on my parents insurance until I am 25, and after that I will be forced to maintain a steady job with insurance, or suffer the consequences. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and the way thing are looking right now… I am already a burden.

I want a job, I would look for one online right now, but my parents have turned the Internet off.

I am afraid that taking all the aspirin hurt my organs because sometimes, not always, they get a very little sore. I don’t know if it is the consequences of my action or my medication. Who knows, who cares. I’m fine. I’m healthy enough to walk, run, sleep, etc.

I have a purring cat on my shoulder trying to overpower the computer. Yes, the wonderful thing about laptops is you can put a pillow under you head, and balance your computer on your tummy and legs. I do this because I do not have a chair in my room, and the chair in the main room is usually taken.

So I have a cat very slowly falling asleep on my shoulder.

I’ve been having dreams about Sasuke from Naruto. I never had this many dreams about any character in Inuyasha, and I used to think that no matter how much I wanted to have dreams about something I read or watched it would never happen, because it never did. I have had great control over my dreams lately, but I do not understand why I keep on fighting with Sasuke at my side. Naruto is sometimes there as well.

The thing is I haven’t watched this anime in a long time. I suppose that this dream is telling me that deep down inside I want to finish watching this series, but it so much fighting.

What would you do if you kept on having dreams where you are fighting beside an anime character? What would it mean?

In reality I don’t really care. I enjoy the dreams. I get to jump high, almost flying, and have super fighting powers that of course no one can match. I made it to Episode 168 (on youtube) before I gave up on the series that is not bad. I wonder how close I was until the end.

My brother gave me the Oracle of the Radiant Sun, a set of 82 cards that are totally different from Tarot cards. I used them to get more insight after an important Tarot reading. I am nearing the end of my time as an online Tarot reader. A short phase of my life is coming to an end. I do not know if I will pick up online readings again, but that is something I will leave the cards to decide.

A rollercoaster of medication.

If you are new to having Bipolar disorder you might be facing a love/hate situation with your medication. They keep you from feeling so horribly horrible, but they could also make you so horribly tired, or constipated, or overweight. Finding the right medication combination is, as they say, ‘a little more of an art then a science,’ with your pdoc. (psychiatrist) walking the tightrope.

It is not a matter of if you will feel better, but when you will feel better. I have to say that even with my moments of insanity and sadness that overall this has been one hack of a summer.

Sure I tried to kill myself, but in the mental hospital I meet people who I would never known otherwise, and because I was back home I was drawn to my Tarot deck. Every little step of the way has brought me to this moment this Blog posting.

Here I am locked up in my room, writing and writing. Sigh. I wonder if I will have a good job with benefits by the time I turn 25, that gives me less than four years. This angle is disheartening. I think I will leave where it is because it is making me sleepy.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow! I have to makes a choice between changing my therapist, my psychiatrist. Oh, woe is me. Tear. You're the star of my eye.