la la la -- a Time of Happiness

I feel so comfortable in coffee shops. Immediately my tired back eased up, and my tired head lifted up. My mind knew that it was time to write. I should be working as I type, but I am breaking because I felt so tired. So very tired. I know you might not have heard me complaining about being tired lately. It is getting better, and I have been too caught up in other things to write.

Less then one week now until I am done with college. The music is warning me, “Don’t come back. Don’t come back. Don’t know what to do if you come back.” I just don’t know if I could continue with the frame of mind that college takes. I want to work.

I need to move soon. I am hesitant to find a place to stay, because I do not know if I want to stay. If I sign a lease then that is another year of commitment. I could go to where the jobs are, or where the light is. I can handle heat pretty well. I could teach English in Japan, South Korea, China, etc. . I know you see all the grammar and spelling errors I make, but somewhere in my head are all those little rules. I remember Elementary and Middle School. I would like to know a second language better before then though.

You see I was tricked. The language courses started a week or two earlier then other courses. I didn’t know if I wanted to finish up in the Summer or Fall, until I was in a slump and needed something to pull me out of it.

Now I am a slump when it comes to writing. What should I say next? I was walking with my bookbag in the park the other day. I settled down at a bench in the sunlight yet with much nature around it. I read until I remembered that I had a posting that I needed to do, and told myself I would come back tomorrow and read in the sunlight. Of course, I didn’t. I attempted to read in the lobby of my apartment building with its huge windows, but it was too late, and dark.

This is a big tragedy. Not only did my sleeping rob me of most of my day, but also I did not find the power to use the sunlight while it was up. That is why school days are so important to me. They are my schedule keeper. They make me get up with the sunlight so I can see how wonderful the sun is on the trees, and through the windows of this coffee shop. Light bouncing off the red hair and black hair, a white striped shirt, and making glares in people’s glasses. This is what I was made for, to look and listen, and to write.

The smooth sliver of my laptop, the soft clicking of the keys brings a memory to my mind. While learning to type in Middle School a paper was put over our hands so we could not stare at the keyboard. We where using the first row, and I was doing an amazingly accurate job for a beginner. (While I am not a quick typist, I have a connection with technology, and learning that must have come from video games.) When the person I was on a team practicing with told the teacher that I was doing really good the teacher said, “Wait until we use all the keys.”

I continued in typing class, but I stopped to read whatever I was typing instead of just copying down as quickly as possible. (I think it is better to read. Your mind forms connections with knowledge, and typing.) So I was always slower. I passed though so I couldn’t be the worse in the world.

I was reading something to my niece a while ago that was too advanced for her, and she kept on asking me the meanings of words. It made me want to read to her advanced stuff (that she would be interested in) just so she could learn the words, but I do not live by her, and it might get discouraging for her to have to keep asking the meaning.

It is easy to take for granted just how advanced one’s language has become until you read to someone in Elementary, and you remember how you used to not know so many words. And one wonders how you could have ever not known this or that word, and when you learned it. I most certainly didn’t flip through the dictionary memorizing words, through I thought about doing that back then.

A friend of my sister had told me once that his favorite book was the dictionary. We had an expansive dictionary with a rhyming dictionary in it. I used to use it to write poems. I would pick a word with a lot of rhymes, and write a poem around the word (I was young give me slick). I didn’t always rhyme, but I loved that part of the dictionary.

I stopped writing poetry when my friend told me that I was a horrible poet, but now that I think about it, of course I didn’t compare to the professionals she was always reading. What mattered was that I loved to write them.

I’m going to have to find the power to continue artwork, and write while working. It would have been better if I had planned my time better this semester. Sleep.

Ummm, lets see. Oh, I have so much I want to do. The weather is so nice I want to walk; I want to play video games, and read manga. I want to read other stuff too. Yet without a job this all will fall apart. My nose feels like sleepiness, and the part between the eyes, and between the eyebrows too. Ahhh.

The contentment I felt when I entered the coffee shop has faded. I need to shift as my back feels out of place. I used to be called Stegosaurus back because my back bones where so visible. It sometimes makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with my back that I would be called this. Nah, it is just years of abuse from my back bag being too heavy.

I ponder how I could gain weight carrying this computer around, but then I remember my medication. Plus depression. I hope I am losing weight because I continue to walk with my bookbag. I walk uphill until my legs hurt (which isn’t very far) and past that point. One would think I am exercising, and I’m on less of the medication that makes me gain weight.

We shall see.

Back sore with tiredness mixed in with the soreness. Back soreness extends up into the neck splits at the shoulders.

New setting. I moved to a new location. Sitting outside of my next class to be more exact. The floor is hard, but comfortable enough. Not the kind of place for me to easily fall asleep. Oh how much I would like to sleep right now. An uncontrolled quiet thought entered my mind as if another mind had awakened, “help me.” It is fairly often (through not recently) that my mind is interrupted mostly when I am walking with a “Shut up.” ‘Shut up’ being the tamest out of the interruptions. I have developed a response. “@!`#$%!” says the uncontrolled voice. “Well, isn’t that nice.” says me.

This isn’t a voice like psychosis, but just a mental burp, some people have it about things around them. I happen to have it say one or two word negative statements about me.

Oooooo. It is after class now. I was told that if I came to the coffee shop with my receipt I would get a $2 grande coffee drink not that I would get a grande coffee drink for $2. Oh, woe is me. The drink was already made before I could say I was just stupid, and should have read the receipt before wandering back to the coffee shop.

I really don’t want to stay here long, but I am afraid that if I go to home (however short of a time it will be my home) I will go to sleep. Only I cannot do homework here, because there is no Internet. Yes, I am at one of ‘those’ coffee shops. Where should I do my work? I want to look at the sunlight for a while, the sunlight and the people. I have a wonderful window seat facing the outside.

I wish I had one more week, but I guess it would be full of readings. I know I will be able to work, but I need to pull my schooling mind together. My mind always feels a way (dull/tired). In times of weakness I could let that feeling overrun my ability to work. I was succumbing to this and finding comfort and writing, but no. I will work on my project NOW!

In a coffee shop

Today I was saved by the headache. The Prof canceled class due to a headache. I wasn’t prepared for class, and it was a class that requires participation. I thought I would have to explain to my Prof. that I wasn’t lazy, I was planning on waking up early to finish more of the reading, but had trouble sleeping.

Yes last night my head was sleepy, my eyes tired of reading, but I could not sleep for quite a while.

Anyway, I had four hours of sleep, and my doctor says if I cannot sleep that I must MUST sleep in, but this is where life and sickness rub up against each other. Just like wanting a job and sleeping so much are toxic. School is taking up so much of my time. I thought 5 credits would be a push over, but it is so condensed (because summer course are shorter) that I have to spend more time then planned. So aside from DBT. (Dialectical behavioral therapy and sleep I spent all day reading yesterday. :(

On Fridays I find my brain unable to focus at all. I like this medication combination in that I don’t want to kill myself, but if I am not hard pressed to finish reading my mind wonders and I have to read the same thing over and over again. “What does that mean?” “I don’t know what this sentence is saying!” It just doesn’t register in my mind. I have to take things slowly until somehow my brain switches on, and all that cloudiness disappears, and I can read with the same retention as I did before medications.

It just takes so long to get to that point. When I was younger I recognized this point in reading as the point where the voice in your head disappears and you are drawn into the story. Back then it was very quickly that I was pulled in and the reality that this is a book, and I am just reading faded into the background. Who would have thought that I would have to work so hard to regain this, but I am sure that if I continue to read it will become easier to fight through the medication.

Even if I have brain medication I am able to write, so of course I will some day regain focus? What I am doing now takes focus, but I guess the flow from topic to topic in my head makes it easier to keep on writing and not get trapped in a corner.

Gamine. Gamine is a strange word (my eye drifted to the word of the day on google). I’m going to have to get moving soon. Off to class.

Before the 4th

This green tea is so weak now that I am used to Matcha. Sigh. I wonder if I will be doing anything for the 4th. I know I will get on AIM! I guess my sis is working hard… or on lunch.

I haven’t had my time of month for a long time now. I feel like it is never coming again, but that cannot be so… or at least my hormones would be really messed up if it didn’t come back. I didn’t think to mark the last time I had it, but around the time of my last Doc appointment (the 12 of June... that cannot be right as that was less then a month ago.) a) I was thinking that it had been an extra long time since my last period… I thought it was due to the decrease in Zoloft, but I am not so sure anymore.

All I know is that it is a sign that I am very unhealthy at the moment, but like always I deal with things with patience. I am patiently getting more and more unhealthy. :) Anyway, I like how I feel right now. Thanx caffeine in the morning. Thanx Fish oil in the morning. Thankx. I feel not tired, and my brain does not feel dull, but almost normal.

I… so much has changed. I wonder if my eyes spackle yet. My Dad said my eyes look duller then they used to. The other day we were talking about a poem where this dude has this extreme religious experience (if it were real it would have been called a hallucination) and this dude says that this sailor had seen so much hard stuff sailing that he didn’t believe that his eyes could glisten. Picturing my religious experience while I was in the mental hospital I asked, “Do my eyes glisten?” I wanted an answer, but everyone just laughed.

I wonder why my Doc. hasn’t called me yet. On last Fri I had my liver scanned, and I was told that I would get an answer in two days. Now it has been almost a week. Do you think there is something, and they are getting a second opinion, or maybe something so bad they want to wait until after the holiday to tell me! Nah, I am sure it was so unimportant that my Doc. just forgot to call, or is too busy to bother just yet.

I would call but my phone went from three bars to out of all power in a matter of seconds. Three bars is full energy. So my conversation with my Mom was cut short. Still before my battery died I learned that she has not heard from the Doc.

It doesn’t matter what the Doc. says, I know that my body has been saying, bo who, for a long time now, and the Doc’s don’t see it at all. They think it is just medication, and even then the changes are very slight. ‘Your liver is bad so we will decrease this, and how about this.’ I cannot believe that my legs and feet are fine, but whatever.

As for how much I sleep: my Doc says it is the medication, while my pDoc says she is more glad to hear that I am sleeping more then average, and not less. I wonder if my sleeping problem has nothing to do with my medication, but my Doc tells me that one of my medications is used to help elderly patients sleep in the nursing home. Poor elderly people, I would not wish such extreme medication on anyone.

Journeys not going so well

I went on the journey of getting to an interview. I looked up the bus routes (as my car was out of batteries), and looked at the streets on google map so I could get from where I thought the bus would stop to the interview. I miss my stop and I figured that I had given myself enough time so I continued my journey until I gave up. As for the number that was used to call me. It just rings and rings. Ahhhh.

It is fine, I guess. I need to start looking for jobs that will look good on a resume. Oh, and the swim class will not count as an academic, but I don’t need to take it because apparently I only need 3 credits. I could take the money I would have spent on swimming and do Yoga classes! (It turns out I do need 5 credits... there was a mix up where the adviser said I needed 3, but he meant 3 more then 2. I figured out this possibility and called him.)

I feel empowered and alive. I can shape my life right now. I can find where I want to live. I can… focus where I put my job searching efforts. Something tells me a job will come soon.

Oh, I caught myself up on Naturo… again. Not the comics, but the shows. Lets see… I am having my liver checked out for anything weird. My Bro is coming to pick me up. In order to focus all my classes on two days of the week instead of four I changed Native American Lit to Women’s Lit. Now while there are a broad number of hours that the classes are laid out, it is at least just all in one day.

My shoe smells. I was walking over some grass, and I was walking around a puddle, but my sandal hit wet ground and sunk in. Now my lovely sandal smells like grass fertilizer. It is a good thing I concluded that I would need to wear un-formal shoes with my outfit (because I would be walking a bit). I went into Barnes and Nobles and rinsed my shoes off. I told my story to the Muslim woman beside me. It is not often I get a chance (the courage) to talk to strangers.

I should make a fool of myself more, so I can enjoy that moment where the stranger’s face changes from, “Why are you talking to me.” to “This is actually amusing.”

I just finished seating here for a few minutes with my mind wandering from topic to topic wondering what to write next. The flow of thoughts that usually comes from the simple act of pushing down keys in a pattern has not come.

So I seat here with a tiredness hanging over me… a skirt on my legs and a shirt on my torso, the air conditioning sending goose bumps all over my freshly shaved legs. My swimsuit seats at home (my apartment) with a hot air balloon covered towel, and a brown pair of flip-flops.

I smell I am sure, even if the lady at the counter said otherwise. I feel like partying. The sky is so beautiful. A crow or raven just flew by as I looked up at the massive skylight.

Adios

Many days all in one

Lets just pretend that I woke up at a respectable hour today. After I woke up I took a wonderful shower all the while thinking about anime. It is not always fun to be me. You know, sleeping as much as I do and all.

Yesterday I went to the mall with my brother and we saw the movie 21 in the cheap flicks. Yesterday I was up early to go see my therapist and had caffeine…

**

Another day has passed. It is a cold day. I feel dazed.

**

Another day has passed. My computer hasn’t warmed up yet. There I have finished the last of my grapes. I must… no I cannot. I am festering the longer I go without a job the deeper I sink into this hole. I must…. I didn’t. Okay. Ok. I did it. I fixed up my cover letter and resume and sent it out into the world… again. It is just I get this feeling in my head that I cannot do anything, but the action of applying to the Cat Clinic (which is looking for people) shifted through that feeling a bit.

Sasuke is evil. Just taught I would throw that out there. Ummm. I just got back from going somewhere with one of my sisters… no not that one… or that one. Yes, yes that one. It is about time for facebook!

There Facebook time is over. I have made the decision that I will take Summer Classes (unless a wonderful job falls out of the sky). Less then a week is left between now and classes. I am going to be done soon! Dance Dance Dance. Do Do Do, Do Do Do. Oh, grasshoppers where is the party? My sister is in town. (She was supposed to be here hours ago…) Is it too late to go to coffee shops?

It is not like my time waiting for her was wasted. No, not at all. I moved around the classes I would be taking over the summer. After some review I concluded that I only needed 5 credits to graduate. Yay! However, I still need a job… do do do (the other Do Do Do was light hearted and sounded different).

Oh, yes… I am sure you are getting sick of this, but another day has gone by. I know you are wondering why I don’t just post each day even if it is short (because I appear to be writing it)… I don’t know.

My weight has gotten a little extreme for my small frame. Some people are built in different ways and can handle weight gracefully. Sadly I am not one of those people.

Anyway, I just had a call from a possible job (not the cat clinic) so I will be interviewing on Monday. *Scratches lower eyelid. I really want to work at the cat clinic, but I cannot wait for it.

As I picked out what to wear today I ran across the “I <3 my Body T-shirt, and then in my head I started chanting I love my body, I love my body… yet in reality I do not love my weight. I see the potential in my body.

As I seat here devouring my third big bag of grapes in a week. Before the grapes there were the raspberries and the blueberries and the strawberries. When I went to see my Dr. (not pDoc) I was told to eat more fruit, so here I am consuming happily. I love fruit. Right now Grapes are on sale a lot. They can be so expensive the rest of the year so I am swimming in them. In fact the only one of them that is reasonable the rest of the year are strawberries.

I had a sudden memory of preparing strawberry shortcake (taking out stems and cutting the strawberries up) while watching Camelot in my room on my T.V. This was the T.V. my parents gave me on the Christmas I spent alone. That Christmas I tried watching “Life is Beautiful,” but couldn’t finish much of it, and in the end a cousin of mine (who often called) called and I was glad to talk to someone. Apparently she was alone as well.

What would I say about today if I were looking back at it? I would talk about how I disappeared behind the computer while my sister talked with my sister, and I enjoyed the taste of black grapes. I would talk about my computer, and how it was a requirement of the school I attended and about how happy I was to use it when I first opened it up.

I remember saying in an email to my sister: “When I am drinking espresso I am playing a role like those I have seen on Will and Grace. The role of a hip city…person.” Okay, I am not sure exactly how I put it. It was certainly more eloquent. However, I am not longer playing a role when I drink coffee. I find it hilarious that I equated hip espresso drinking to Will and Grace.

arrivederci (goodbye) and don’t ask me why I used Italian

la de la

What can I say? Perhaps I should have picked a Senior Project that has an end. Then I could get done and feel done. It is not that I do not have my memoir (not on this blog). I am waiting for feed back right now, but of course life gives either too much or to little of it. My back feels wonderful this week. It is amazing what a little Yoga can do, other then making the shoulders tender. My poor feet, they even a little hurt when I was doing Yoga, but this time it was in the toes. I wondered, “I am not standing on my toes. Why are they complaining?”

I had a sudden vision of Spiderwick. Was it in a dream or was it something that popped into my head while I was trying to sleep last night? My cellmate created a movie that everyone puts on the headphones and laughing along with. I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve seen only bits and pieces of it.

When I went to my pDoc I was told that Zoloft was causing metabolism changes (bad ones), and there would have to be a stand off between my physical health and my mental health.

Ahh!!! I knew this would happen. In fact I prayed for it. I prayed that my health would get in the way so much that I would be forced to go off my medication. Why? Because I wanted to go off my medication, but was too afraid to try.

I no longer want to go off my medication. Depression is not fun, and I have discovered that without my medication I would have to face it. This is not the only thing that changed my mind there is much more. Mainly fear.

So I was told to eat a protein rich diet. Which to me translates as meat, beans & rice, and milk. I guess all dairy products count. Oh, and those vegans who only will have sex with other vegans stay away from me because I am going to go back to meat. Not that I stopped eating it, but I stopped consciencely eating it. Oh and my ban on bananas is over. Didn’t know I had one did you?

I’ve had my first cholesterol packed beef, bean, rice, and cheese burrito ever since I concluded that it was what was making my cholesterol high. Today I concluded that one burrito isn’t going to kill me. One every week might. One sweet isn’t the end of the world, but unlike burritos where I am satisfied for months after splurging on one sweet it leads to another.

Oh my, what language is coming from another studio right now, I will not repeat. Still doesn’t stem my craving for sweets. Protein rich diet. I want a liquid filled diet as well. Ohhh. Liquid. Why so thirsty. Yet I refuse to buy water, and everything is all sugary, except milk, but milk doesn’t go with cholesterol filled burritos. It is a little too much. Tea…I am welling to spend money on tea, or flavored water (not vitamin water that has sugar). Ohhh. So thirsty. Let me see. Yes! Yes! I have a flavored water in my bookbag!

Now if only I could place this feeling in my back shoulder.

Today is the day that I might try that Fuji water. It will not take long to bus over to Barnes and Noble and I think that the farther I get from home today the more likely I am to make it though. Borders or Barnes and Noble: Tea (tried and modestly priced) or Water (expensive and never tried before). Or perhaps I could just go home. I slept so well last night. I was so refreshed when I awakened.

How did the Dragon in, The Hobbit, move all the treasure into one main room if he was too big to walk through the mountain city?

In the Mean Kitty song on youTube the dudes over mits totally just disappear when he is outside of the bathroom.

I was just looking (not listening) at the Mean Kitty song trying to play what he was saying in my head.

There you have it. What four years of college give you, a being an in-depth look at a book and a music video. An awesome music video.

There I have typed my way through the sleepiness that came with my stomach trying to handle all that protein rich fatty food. I think.

Now I am enjoying the shadow of my hand across the sliver of my computer. I’m staring at how for a little bit the shadow seems brighter then the computer in full light. The cut up table on which my elbows rest is cut into with hundreds of Exacto knifes all in straight lines. They intersect so much that it looks like Jack Frost attacked the table.

My Old Navy scarf mainly purple with golden thread sewn in rest on top of my college branded sweatshirt waiting for that day when I do not dress warmly enough. A pair of professional striped pants and shirt for an emergency interview along with a pink and flowery Easter bonnet also graces the table. A wooden jewelry box with a Japanese Temple curved into it is sanded to look old has been on the table a while now. Inside the box are two sets of Tarot cards warped in silk. A black pleather clutch sized purse’s long strap hangs off the table.

“I wish I had time to do this.” All the things I didn’t get to do for my senior project, yet no worries. I have time. All I need is a video camera with a firewire cable. All the sound quality that comes with the equipment offered in college will be gone, but I can produce sound quality good enough for the normal computer with just a video camera.

It will not be the same as if I could freelance, because I cannot freelance. I need insurance. Now and forever. I am not the first person who has had to face the reality of their own limitations.

Watching the Days unfold

Everything was going well today. All smiles and happiness, but then I realized I had made a mistake. I am sorry. I did not realize. Everything is turning a greyer shade instead of the bright reds and greens of early fall. I hold within me this mistake, and I want to talk about it, but it will be hours before I call my sister. I must stand up strong until then. I am so sorry. I wanted to tell an interesting story and I didn’t realize I would scare anyone.

It is a half hour before my next class. Now that I have gotten the badness out of my system I can return to smiles. When I am functioning well in this world that’s me all smiles. It is just when things turn on me that I despair. Activity keeps me from despair. When I have time to stop and think with nothing to do that is when my mind wonders.

I am waiting for English to start again. I have ten more minutes not counting Michigan Time (at the University classes start at ten minutes after the time given on the schedule so a 1:00 class would start at 1:10).

You might think that I am goofing of right now but in reality I am slowly forming and molding a plan ever so simple.

When I was in the mental hospital there was a time that I sat in the sun and told another that I was like a cat. I was like a cat in that I was basking in the light. This memory popped into my head today while I was brainstorming.

I think that I need to brush up on my Maya skills. It is about time that I relearn what I learned and I expand on it as well. Who here would like to see some Maya artwork? Raise your hands. I would be taking Maya from a wonderful Professor with a impressive quality of work. I wouldn’t have thought of switching over to the Maya class if it were not for my Professor in the Art of Memory asking if I wanted to switch classes. Which I think was very impressive of him to read my worries.

You see I was worried that our ideas would not match up. That I would end up doing something that I didn’t want to do just to get a good grade.

I have a category on this website called “Student Life.” I find this funny because I in no way live the normal student life. I do not go out to parties; I just focus on classes. I have in incredible ability to tune out all things I consider wastes of time during the school year. Ok, ok, I did watch a bit of Amine in the Winter semester, but these is beside the point. I tune out life so much that when I am outside of school I do not know what to do.

I think that it is time to send in my paper. I mean the big one that is 22 pages long, the one I have not shown you.

I just visited the Sweetland Writing Center. Apparently I need to step back from my paper and rearrange. I have done this before, but with academic writing. Personal writing from the heart is something I have no experience in editing. I think that this post is about long enough by now, time for me to seat back relax, and watch the day pass me by (I have to go to a lecture at 5 so that gives me a little over an half an hour. I think that I will draw cats. So that someday, when I set up my scanner. I will be able use my own cat pictures. They would be on the right side of the post and not the left, so the two could not be confused.

Waiting for English class

Two red squares on a white and gray floor. Two shades of gray. Spacked. Reflective. Upside down. A few scattered late students walking into classes flip fops. One stops to ask the time…11:42. A ringing necklace in the shape of a heart, golden. My class, “The Art of Memory” got out early again. We have a homework assignment. I think that I can actually look forward to the class. With this Professor I usually zone out of a couple seconds (as I can do) and I can never pick up the topic again, but today I understood everything. All zoned in. I think I will always show up early to this class. There is such a big time gap between the two classes. Time to pack myself up, refuel, work on assignment, and do everything in my power to make a post.

My sister came into town yesterday. It was party time! My parents drove in, I did card readings, and we ate good food.

I would like to inform you that even if I do not chose the Growth of Medication through Meditation project; I will still be getting a Bonsai tree. It’s just the project will be on hold, I will be silently transferring the essence of one medication Zyprexa Zydis. I will however keep you updated on my quest for the perfect Bonsai tree. Here is my list,

Chinese Wisteria– Geodon (seems nice, but is invasive)
Chinese Elm – Zyprexa Zydis (a serious looking tree for a serious medication)
Risperdial – Japanese White Pine (same)
Abilify –Japanese Red Maple (seems light and cheerful)
Luthium – Serissa (is hard to maintain, with lithium you have to get just the right levels)
Limictal – Ficus (I’m not sure about this one, this tree seems to fit with Luthium being Serissa they both seem to be different kinds of trees then the others which they are different medications)

Topamax –some kind of mint (mint is light on calories and Topamax is for weigh loss)
Zoloft – Lavender (refreshing and cheerful)
Broprotion – basil (for same reasons as Topamax, but this medication tastes different)
Ambien- Lilacs (Lilacs close at night, and Ambien is a sleeping pill)

So this is my list as it stands now, if I were to continue with this project.

First day back

As to be expected the first class of the day got out early. I am seating waiting for my next class as we speak. I should have stopped by a coffee shop on the way because I thought it was one’ o’clock when in fact it was 12. So I have a long time to seat here writing before having my class on creative writing. What my Internet went out! Do they turn it off once classes start…oh there it is. Okay. Lets see. If this Online Journal is the winning project, as I so want it to be, I will still get a bonsai starter tree. I am thinking a type of Japanese Red Maple. I hear laugher coming from one of the classrooms. I wonder if the students are really laughing or are they just humoring the professor to get a better grade. I don’t know that idea popped into my head. Everyone seems so well slept and happy. Oh someone has a bloody nose. Later in the year I will see people almost (if not completely) asleep in these very halls.

I wonder why I am finding such creative comfort in writing lately. Traditional Art. Traditional art has fallen to the wayside. I choose to write, mix, and create with words. I would choose to grow, dirt under my long fingernails, and mold ever so slowly, but too slowly for this project so I must build up out of clay what I would train a tree to do. I would choose to reach out to those around me for aid, and offer friendship and support in return.

I am a simple creature. I do not spend money on alcohol, or wine, just coffee and tea. I would invite you to a cup of Green tea with me at Espresso Royale, but it is not safe to meet people over the Internet. So let us just pretend. We are in the two comfy chairs at the round table in the back. I have a sketchbook and oil pastel on my fingers leaving fingerprints on my coffee cup. You, you have your favorite espresso drink, and a pastry that is divine. What would we talk about?

Everything from A to T (art to tea)

All is well. I need to start getting my Senior Project Plans in actuality. I need something visible and solid conceptually. I woke up with energy today after the average amount of sleep so I am hopeful that I will continue along this road. This last medication change took the wind out of me for a long time, I wish I could have slept as much the summer when I was depressed. That is beyond the point. I need to focus on the road head of me right now, because my past has been holding me back for too long.

I don’t know what I will become. I look at what I am now and how much stronger I am and there is only one-way to go. The tree does not withdraw its roots. I was right to choose to go to the art school that I did, because it offered a different kind of challenge, one outside of what can be learned in textbooks. It is a hands on, brains on, trail and error process. I feel I am more equipped for a dynamic workplace because of the diverse challenges that I have faced.

Ever since I have been in the Art school I have heard students bad mouthing it, but for me, so far, it has been exactly what I needed. My art school is very conceptually based, but that is wonderful, because you can find highly skilled art teachers all around, but developing your own view of the world that can also be expressed in words is much harder to find. So what I say is to learn the things on which you can build a lifetime both technically and conceptually. It is from this point that you can find all the books, and all the art teachers that your heart needs.

Education is something that you should never cast aside thinking you are too old. I may not be living the live of a professional artist, but I will be around exploring, sharing, and creating. God must have had a wonderful time molding the world, all the little details that pop up at you and make you think wow. Sigh.

I made a wishlist on Amazon and filled it with expensive things, but on reflecting I need none of it. Some of them would take away the fun of the hunt. By hunt I mean looking on Craigslist and at thrift store for particular items at a cheap price. What I want is out there somewhere for cheap and I will find it. I think I will modify the list a little. Maybe, maybe not.

I am thinking of building a Loft bed. It shouldn’t be that hard. All I need are the plans. I have no problem sleeping close to the ceiling (I did it my freshmen year in the dorms), and I think that it would be wonderful to have the little space underneath for a desk. I could put curtains up hanging from the ceiling to block out light so my blinds can always be open. I will have to do this slowly over time, but I think it will be a wonderful idea.

As you can tell from my babbling I have had four cups of coffee. I made two for my Mother, but I forgot until it was cool and she does not like cool coffee like I do. I am strange in that way. Me, I only sip on tea until it is about room temperature, which takes a long time. I used to solve this problem by adding cool milk, but then my sister told me of a study that said milk neutralizes the benefits of tea, and that is why the English do not have the same tea benefits as those in Asian countries.

Now I am washing down my four cups of coffee with Fuze Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng. Ginseng is good for you brain. I think it is for memory, right. Fish Oil (and Flaxseed Oil) for mood stabilization (and fighting depression), and St Johns Wort Tea for fighting depression (in small doses if you are Bipolar). These are all good things.

We have a tree in are yard that when its leaves, or more likely its roots (or both) are boiled you can make Root Beer. Not important, just thought you should know. Here I will post a link so you can see my two cats. Here is Gazelle and here is Cecilia. My sister took the pictures and made the entries and everything. She is a wonderful Blogger, very skilled. She has been at it for years.

I am outside again with my two cats beside me on the deck, with is why I started to talk about trees. I myself want a Bonsai tree for my birthday. I have told my Mother this, I also added a flowering one. I don’t know of many places in Michigan that would sell them, but I am leaving my family the challenge. I have wanted a Bonsai for a long time, will I wanted to have a actual tree that I would get the seed of and grow it slowly moving it to bigger pots until it could be planted in my yard when I get a house, but now I am not sure if I will ever want a house, maybe I will, maybe I will not.

I have a feeling that something good is going to happen to Michigan’s economy and Pfizer is going to regret leaving Ann Arbor. It might be all the caffeine talking, but it will be like one of my professor dreams (I interviewed her for a project) where I think it was water or wind sweep trough Detroit like the roots of a tree. If something good is going to happen in Detroit that might mean a prosperous change in American Automobiles, and because it spread like the roots of a tree it will be eco-friendly.

One that note, this is beginning to be a very long post indeed see what coffee does to me, have you heard of the Heidelberg Project. It is about Art and Detroit, but not just any art you should have a look. You see the main star of the Heidelberg Project is Tyree Guyton, and he transformed some of the run down homes in Detroit into works of art. He also works with children, and has become an important part of the community. He, however, is just one part of the Project. It comes from Germany. It’s big news, if old news, in Detroit. Something to make a city proud, because despite all the challenges faced with the horrible Michigan economy people live on, so art lives on.

I am not implying that there would be no art if there were no people. Remember the big buzz long ago about Cats painting?

There are no Cats allowed in my Apartment in Ann Arbor. Once again I will have to leave them at home. I plan on traveling somewhere next summer, going somewhere new getting a job, maybe an internship and being free of the state I love.

Michigan is beautiful. The whole world is. Sometimes I just stare at the light coming in and wonder if I really did die in good to heaven. At other times I will wonder if I am forever trapped in hell. You know that saying about making a Hell of Heaven and a Heaven of Hell. When I was in the Mental Hospital I really did think I was in hell, but I decided to fight it, by being nice to others, and praying to God. As terrified as I was I was also hopeful in my faith.

While I believe in God. I believe that God made people faithful, so that in their worst hour they can find something to hold on to. There was something I was asked while in-group, it was about me so I can say it, I was asked if I missed mania, and I said, “No. I was terrified. I was psychotic and I knew it, but that did change my delusions and fears. It only added to it.” I didn’t really explain it that will, but I wish I had.

My family was told that I wouldn’t remember what had happened while I was insane, I wouldn’t remember basking in the sun and saying to another inmate that I was like a cat. (I didn’t think I was a cat. I just thought that I was doing what cats do.) I wouldn’t remember trying to open the door time after time hoping that it had been lift unlocked. I will speak no more of this now. I will tell you the details later.

I feel good, but my thoughts are not racing. I should go and take my Fish Oil now. I forgot it earlier. Be back soon.

Ok. I think starting to take the Fish Oil again is starting to pull me out of that depression I was in. I can feel it in my brain. Somehow it feels more controlled, and after my stomach got used to taking it the Fish Burps disappeared (if you take Fish Oil you will now what I mean). I am still taking both Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil, you can read other posts to figure out why.

Anyway, as interesting as my welfare and stability is lets try to find another topic. How about the wonders of Green tea? That’s right I should start a new poll…which is best Green, Red, White, or Black tea. Nah, if you have read this far please comment, because I would like to imagine someone will read this someday.

Longer post

What do you think of my name, “Namir the Wondercat.” It came to me in a flash. I originally picked the name, Namir, for an online game called, The Realm.

Where I flocked around like a winged porcupine, and I once came across some generous people (in like the Six of Coins) who gave me a cool hat. Not long afterwards someone asked to go hunting with me, and I said yes, lets. As soon as the battle began he/she turned on me and killed me. In death I lost my hat.

A while afterwards I used the same name for Final Fantasy Online, which is a wonderful game that costs a lot of money.

When I first went to college I mostly stopped gaming. The first summer after my first year, I bought the Sims 2 for Macs thinking that it would be the only game I ever would buy for my computer. I was right, except for two expansion packs.

You see I live a wonderful, challenging, and artistic life during the school year (I am an art student after all.), but over the summer I suffer, because I can never find a job that fits me as well as college does. One thing is for sure, if I find a job that fits me I will glow like one of those stars people put on ceilings. My life would be wonderful. I would wake up happy, and sleep the normal amount of time. Hmmm…do I smell tuna fish? I’m thirsty I will come back later…

Ok, my sister would not let me have the last of the lemonade, and I love lemonade. Oh, by the way I live with my sister, she who shall be named, but you will not know it. I have three brothers and three sisters. I am the youngest. If I had succeeded in killing myself then I would have put a torn into the feet of many Lions/Lionesses. They are Lions/Lionesses because they are Strong (ie the Strength card). You will here very little about my family, I think…I will let you know I changed the title because they thought the last one was too offensive. They felt that I was cashing in (if you want to give me cash to know the title go ahead) on my mental illness.

One way or another the rain will shine. Like little droplets of love. In the perfectly warm air. That swirls with the compassion of lovers past.

Breath in deeply. Out slowly. When in this Blog think of a place like the one I use for my eBay postings:

Imagine the small of Lilacs. A black silk clothe with a light lilac purple along two of the sides. The cloth hangs gently over a craved wood table. The walls are a light yellow and the sun comes in tall French windows that a person could step out of onto a deck. On the wall behind the desk rest a great number of books, a Crystal Ball, Runes, and stack upon stacks of Tarot desks. In front of you is a person with so many piles of jewelry around their neck you wander how it is they can ever hold it up.

So yawnful and sleepy

yorkie
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So thoughts of killing myself are dieing down (at least something is dieing so I am content). So far Zoloft is side effect free. I still am able to sleep up to 11 hours on the weekends, and I yawn a lot during the day. I think that this change will work for me unless it destroys my liver.

I did some video editing today, and am hungry. I am wondering if my sister is done working out so we can do something like go to JoAnn Fabrics to get a fabric screen for my video piece. I cannot ask my brother. He has the flu. I'm so yawnful. So yawnful that it is almost impossible to think of killing myself. There goes another bus to central campus.

False Alarm

The sharp noon light
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I slept so well last night that I am sure my hearing of a song was a false alarm. Some neighbor, or a car driving by must have been playing loud music. I display none of the signs of being manic. If anything I would say I am baseline. Yawn. One thing is for sure. Geodon makes me yawn. I do not feel overly tried just sleepy. Eight hours of deep smooth sleep and I am still cloudy eyed.

Yesterday, my Mother told me that my eyes were glazed over. She stopped into town to take me grocery shopping, and out to eat. The first thing we did was go to Mass where everything went as usual. During the last two years of my life, prier to becoming Bipolar I had hardly gone to mass, as I figured that it wasn’t something God would look down on. When I was manic however I regretted this. Having been taught that it was important to good to mass everyday, my manic self was afraid I had sinned.

This was an important thing because I thought that I was died, and needed to know if I was slated to go to heaven, hell or purgatory. I was afraid I was in hell when I was locked in a small room all alone.

I will tell you more about that later.

I have been so afraid of every little of sound at night being from inside my head that I am wearing myself out. I wasn’t afraid of this before Thanksgiving. It is only at night that I have this problem.

I don’t know if I can trust this Geodon yet. I feel very happy now that I am on it. Happy, peaceful, and at the same time tired and medicated. I guess things are really the same as usual, its just now I do not have deadlines to distract me. I will have a hard time with life when I am out of college, without the entertainment of consent assignments and deadlines I suffer all encompassing boredom. I am sure that I will get stuck in some boring office job filing away papers.

What in the world would I do without consent education.

Dear Sir or Madam,

bird
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I would like to thank you for reading this post. I have no idea how you came across this blog, but I invite you to seat down and share a cup of Red Tea.

What can I say. First off I need to explain that I will add a lot of posts when I first start a blog to keep it from looking too empty.

I feel really bad right now. It is finals week, and I am not as busy as everyone else. It just turns out that this semester all the major work was due last week, or a week from now. So that leaves me with this week. I have one more assignment due, and I will get a review on what I have done tomorrow, so couldn’t possibly think of anything to do without getting more feedback. So that leaves me to watch all the other college students suffer without any sleep for the last three days.

I have to explain something. As a person who happens to be Bipolar it is essential for me to get a good amount of sleep every night. If I do not enter the world unbound by reality in sleep it creeps into by wakeful day. This is something I dislike very much.