Yesterday's post today! Yay

A million good things to you all. Wow, today is Halloween and I have nothing I am welling to wear. Last year I dressed up as an Anime Kitty cat/Barbie because I found the perfect Barbie shoes at a Value World (Thrift shop) and then my sister told me I looked like an anime character. I have no plans for this Halloween other then to be able to type the word Halloween about three times. I am so tired. I want sleep. Why do I have to get up so early in the morning? Why does even just a little caffeine keep me up late into the night?? My old therapist told me that my medication makes caffeine have even bigger effects on me, but it seems that even if I have caffeine before noon it will still keeps me up at night.

In a daze I wake up early today only to fall back asleep in my chair and wake up late for class. I only just made it to class in time to not have it count as a missed day. I like being able to stay up so late into the night tossing and turning. If I am asleep then I forget about all this time. If I am unable to sleep I can trace words on the ceiling of my room with my finger. I have a loft bed so I can reach out and touch the ceiling. Last night in a particularly bad mood I traced the words, “So this is hell.” A nice thought, right?

It is the next day. Yesterday I was so tired in the end that I went to sleep early. Thinking to myself, “I will just take a nap, some people can just take short naps, why can’t I?” I climbed into bed and feel asleep only to wake up at 10pm when it is that late you might as well brush your teeth and take your medication right away or else you will not be able to fall back to sleep. All this sleep and I am still tired. I give up. My pDoc will not be in town for a while. I have to wait until next Saturday. I do not know why this problem has suddenly gotten worse. I had no caffeine at all yesterday. Today, I had an espresso drink and I forget to ask for decaf. I thought to myself, “I need to ask for decaf, but as my focus shifted to seeing if I had enough change to not break a dollar I forgot. No wanting to ask them to make it over again I drank my caffeinated Teddy Bear, and I am still tired. After drinking my drink I quietly poured my all natural Lemon Italian Soda from Whole Foods. I am sure people saw me and thought I was rude, and cheap, but the ATM machine had been moved, and I had no money to buy another drink. They don’t accept checks. Shh our secret, O.K.?

My am I not talkative today. I am just setting here with my computer in front of me, knowing of course that I could be revising some writing, but not really able to work. I have run into a wall, and haven’t bounced back yet. It is the way that my head feels I think. This tiredness. It ebbs and flows. It is strange. I almost feel as if I should be depressed, but I am not really depressed. I guess I am at times. Something is wrong, and it has been for a long time now. It just feels like it will always be this way, because at times I feel normal, but then my body gets all worn out and my brain tired. I mean tired even if I have been getting good sleep. I am so Emo, right? I guess I have a reason to be Emo though.

Two days ago I was so upset I went to a bowl of chocolate and just pigged out for a while. I knew this is how people become overeaters, seeking comfort in food, but at times that is the only thing that will comfort you. That and walking. These are natural things, they clear the mind. When I was depressed I told my Therapist that the only time I felt better was when I was eating, and that I should just be eating all the time. He didn’t think that it was a good idea. I wonder why? When I went to a new Therapist I was asked to fill out some survey, and I circled that I sometimes ate too much and sometimes too little. They were trying to define me as an overeater or anorexic, but I am really not either. I would be anorexic, but I get hungry.

Depression sure put some meat on my bones, or maybe I was tubby before, because of my unhealthy diet. Now I can grab all my belly fat and think to myself, I wish I could just cut this all off like rich people do. I however wouldn’t even do it if I had the money, because I would consider it a waste of money. Well, maybe I would do it. What would you do?

Oh someone rich just walked in and ordered a large ice cream like drink. I’m not jealous. I personally think that frappachinos need a kiddy size. The small is just way to big! I remember the first time I went to a Starbucks. I hadn’t been to too many coffee shops before then. I didn’t drink coffee. It was in a Barnes and Noble. The shops in there have the Cheesecake Factory slices. That Starbuck outside of bookstores do not have. It was the first time I ever had such fancy Cheesecake. I think the slices used to be bigger. I would share the slice with my sister, and we would each get a frappachino with our Barnes and Noble gift card that had been given to us with the intent of us getting books I am sure.

Back then Barnes and Noble was a mystical place. Godiva chocolates I stared at in wonder for a long time. Later when my brother gave out four piece boxes of truffles I discovered what they tasted like and they did not lose their magic. My sister would flip through books of dog breeds and at that time I wanted a Wolfhound, but now I want a Shiba Inu. Big change I know. A Wolfhound is a mix between a Wolf and a dog. I have since then heard that they can be dangerous.

If I were forced to go back in time, I would look at the Tarot books. I wonder if my sister would tattle on me. I would spend less time eating sweets and get healthier things. I was beautiful back then, not that I am ugly now, but I am tubbier. I would also have a very good writing ability for my age, and I could avoid stress factors that gave me Bipolar disorder. I would get a job at an earlier age, and use the money I made to take more courses at the art center. My parents would be confused as to why I suddenly became such a better drawer, and why I got over my timidness about spending money on art materials. For that matter they would wonder where my timidness went altogether. Why did she start acting like a college student? How is it she knows so much about her classes before she even enters them? The enjoyment of the shock factor alone would be worth the extra years I have to relive. I could do them differently. Then the age old question will be answered. Can a person avoid having Bipolar disorder?

Of course there are other things I would prefer over going back in time, like winning the Mega Millions, which would be amazing because I have never played the Mega Millions, and only plan to using money on it if I win money somewhere else first. You know as a good sign, and to pay for playing the Mega Millions. Money has been greatly on my mind lately. It all started with eBay. No it all started with Amazon, and making my wishlist, my crazy beyond reality wishlist. Now what have I done in my free time? Will when seeing they were giving away $50,000 to spend on eBay to a lucky winner I got what would I spend it on. Then I thought a house. So I looked up a house and ran into an expensive one. I thought to myself, I could find a house outside of eBay and then convince the owner to put the house up on eBay so I could buy it. So I started looking over real estate. Then on a ride back home my brother mentioned Free Lotto online, when I was talking about eBay being my free lottery, so I got to thinking what would I do if I won the 10 million dollars. First I would ask them to spend a million to each of my siblings and one to my parents so as to avoid paying taxes twice, then I would take the three million left over use us to half of it on a house, and use the rest on taxes in the future from that house and some basic living. I would still need a job, maybe, but I would have an awesome house. Here is one that might work with my mother’s wheelchair, and another that says it will work, and a much cheaper one that will hold a lot of people.

Monday magic monday! Yay

Originally uploaded by RedTea

Dear Sir or Madame,
There might just me a million things I could say to you. In that way I am rich, rich to be able to write to you. Who would I write to if I didn’t have you? I have come to the conclusion that I am very Emo even if I don’t intend to be. I became Emo the moment I developed Bipolar Disorder. In High School I contently was reminded of the Goth community because of a friend, and now all I need to do is dress up and listen to music and I am part of a community. It would be nice to not be alone; even if I am part of a support group everyone there is so unlike me. A plus would be that I get to dress up. It would be like Halloween everyday, everyday and every moment.

I think back to my High School years. Sigh. How corrupt I became. All those lunches listening to friends talk about sex, and then Sex in the City. It wasn’t the only thing that was talked about, I also heard about how hard it was to find a Goth boyfriend and such and such. As for today for a while Zoloft took away my sex drive. I didn’t mind, being raised Roman Catholic I kind of liked it. My sex drive has slowly come back, but I do not pay attention to it anymore.

What really has my goose goosed is the amount I am able to sleep. Saturday I got up in good time because I had something to do, but I got tired around 9pm so I went to sleep. I slept through my sisters phone calls without waking up, and I didn’t wake up until 1pm. Wonderful isn’t it? Not only that but I got tired early in the day, and was glad when bedtime came around. My sister thinks I am abusing my schedule, but she doesn’t realize that unless I have something pressing to do that cannot wait to later in the day, I latterly cannot get up.

I have been having sleeping problems for a long time now. Do you think that a person should be able to sleep… I think it is 16 hours without waking up? Do you see what is wrong here? Do you understand that I didn’t used to have this problem to this extreme? Did I? Hopeless. I give up. I will just continue to sleep ungodly hours. I am turning into a Koala. Do you think it is the medication or is it another problem popping up?

I give up. I give up. I give up. That is the tune I am singing this morning. I walked into class with a horrible, “I don’t want to be doing this anymore,” feeling.

Faygo Grape Soda, sugar to elevate my mood. It works momentarily then fades back to misty sleepiness. I would survive if I had the money. I would contact my Doctor with my problem as I am going to do anyways. I am sure there is a medication out there somewhere for my problem. There are medications to help you sleep, there must be medications to keep you from sleeping too much, but I think it is more then that. I think that all the medication I’m on is tiring out my poor body. The weekend is my time to recover from the week. So what do I do? I have no choice, but to take the medication, and I am sure that the other medications are worse. Which medication do you think is tiring me out? How is it that I am able to get up and function during the day without being tired? Well, usually there have been a few times when I have crawled up in my lazy boy chair and fallen asleep. That is it! I know something is wrong and I need to have it checked out. I slept twice the normal amount needed. Lets see I slept from 9-10-11-12-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-1. Each dash is an hour. I am overcome. I would like to be able to work, but all my extra time is going toward sleep.

DEPRESSED. Who could sleep so long and not be? I finally will name this feeling that has been defeating me for so long, tiredness and depression. I’m not so sure if Zoloft is really working. I don’t want to kill myself anymore, but is that the Zoloft or just time? Second to second my mood changes just a little, but today as a whole has been a low one. I am hungry now. Need food. Need caffeine to bring me out of this downer. While I was in a Support Group when I said that caffeine made me happy it was explained to me that studies have shown when a person is on an antidepressant a stimulant raises the mood.
Sincerely,
Namir