Everything from A to T (art to tea)

All is well. I need to start getting my Senior Project Plans in actuality. I need something visible and solid conceptually. I woke up with energy today after the average amount of sleep so I am hopeful that I will continue along this road. This last medication change took the wind out of me for a long time, I wish I could have slept as much the summer when I was depressed. That is beyond the point. I need to focus on the road head of me right now, because my past has been holding me back for too long.

I don’t know what I will become. I look at what I am now and how much stronger I am and there is only one-way to go. The tree does not withdraw its roots. I was right to choose to go to the art school that I did, because it offered a different kind of challenge, one outside of what can be learned in textbooks. It is a hands on, brains on, trail and error process. I feel I am more equipped for a dynamic workplace because of the diverse challenges that I have faced.

Ever since I have been in the Art school I have heard students bad mouthing it, but for me, so far, it has been exactly what I needed. My art school is very conceptually based, but that is wonderful, because you can find highly skilled art teachers all around, but developing your own view of the world that can also be expressed in words is much harder to find. So what I say is to learn the things on which you can build a lifetime both technically and conceptually. It is from this point that you can find all the books, and all the art teachers that your heart needs.

Education is something that you should never cast aside thinking you are too old. I may not be living the live of a professional artist, but I will be around exploring, sharing, and creating. God must have had a wonderful time molding the world, all the little details that pop up at you and make you think wow. Sigh.

I made a wishlist on Amazon and filled it with expensive things, but on reflecting I need none of it. Some of them would take away the fun of the hunt. By hunt I mean looking on Craigslist and at thrift store for particular items at a cheap price. What I want is out there somewhere for cheap and I will find it. I think I will modify the list a little. Maybe, maybe not.

I am thinking of building a Loft bed. It shouldn’t be that hard. All I need are the plans. I have no problem sleeping close to the ceiling (I did it my freshmen year in the dorms), and I think that it would be wonderful to have the little space underneath for a desk. I could put curtains up hanging from the ceiling to block out light so my blinds can always be open. I will have to do this slowly over time, but I think it will be a wonderful idea.

As you can tell from my babbling I have had four cups of coffee. I made two for my Mother, but I forgot until it was cool and she does not like cool coffee like I do. I am strange in that way. Me, I only sip on tea until it is about room temperature, which takes a long time. I used to solve this problem by adding cool milk, but then my sister told me of a study that said milk neutralizes the benefits of tea, and that is why the English do not have the same tea benefits as those in Asian countries.

Now I am washing down my four cups of coffee with Fuze Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng. Ginseng is good for you brain. I think it is for memory, right. Fish Oil (and Flaxseed Oil) for mood stabilization (and fighting depression), and St Johns Wort Tea for fighting depression (in small doses if you are Bipolar). These are all good things.

We have a tree in are yard that when its leaves, or more likely its roots (or both) are boiled you can make Root Beer. Not important, just thought you should know. Here I will post a link so you can see my two cats. Here is Gazelle and here is Cecilia. My sister took the pictures and made the entries and everything. She is a wonderful Blogger, very skilled. She has been at it for years.

I am outside again with my two cats beside me on the deck, with is why I started to talk about trees. I myself want a Bonsai tree for my birthday. I have told my Mother this, I also added a flowering one. I don’t know of many places in Michigan that would sell them, but I am leaving my family the challenge. I have wanted a Bonsai for a long time, will I wanted to have a actual tree that I would get the seed of and grow it slowly moving it to bigger pots until it could be planted in my yard when I get a house, but now I am not sure if I will ever want a house, maybe I will, maybe I will not.

I have a feeling that something good is going to happen to Michigan’s economy and Pfizer is going to regret leaving Ann Arbor. It might be all the caffeine talking, but it will be like one of my professor dreams (I interviewed her for a project) where I think it was water or wind sweep trough Detroit like the roots of a tree. If something good is going to happen in Detroit that might mean a prosperous change in American Automobiles, and because it spread like the roots of a tree it will be eco-friendly.

One that note, this is beginning to be a very long post indeed see what coffee does to me, have you heard of the Heidelberg Project. It is about Art and Detroit, but not just any art you should have a look. You see the main star of the Heidelberg Project is Tyree Guyton, and he transformed some of the run down homes in Detroit into works of art. He also works with children, and has become an important part of the community. He, however, is just one part of the Project. It comes from Germany. It’s big news, if old news, in Detroit. Something to make a city proud, because despite all the challenges faced with the horrible Michigan economy people live on, so art lives on.

I am not implying that there would be no art if there were no people. Remember the big buzz long ago about Cats painting?

There are no Cats allowed in my Apartment in Ann Arbor. Once again I will have to leave them at home. I plan on traveling somewhere next summer, going somewhere new getting a job, maybe an internship and being free of the state I love.

Michigan is beautiful. The whole world is. Sometimes I just stare at the light coming in and wonder if I really did die in good to heaven. At other times I will wonder if I am forever trapped in hell. You know that saying about making a Hell of Heaven and a Heaven of Hell. When I was in the Mental Hospital I really did think I was in hell, but I decided to fight it, by being nice to others, and praying to God. As terrified as I was I was also hopeful in my faith.

While I believe in God. I believe that God made people faithful, so that in their worst hour they can find something to hold on to. There was something I was asked while in-group, it was about me so I can say it, I was asked if I missed mania, and I said, “No. I was terrified. I was psychotic and I knew it, but that did change my delusions and fears. It only added to it.” I didn’t really explain it that will, but I wish I had.

My family was told that I wouldn’t remember what had happened while I was insane, I wouldn’t remember basking in the sun and saying to another inmate that I was like a cat. (I didn’t think I was a cat. I just thought that I was doing what cats do.) I wouldn’t remember trying to open the door time after time hoping that it had been lift unlocked. I will speak no more of this now. I will tell you the details later.

I feel good, but my thoughts are not racing. I should go and take my Fish Oil now. I forgot it earlier. Be back soon.

Ok. I think starting to take the Fish Oil again is starting to pull me out of that depression I was in. I can feel it in my brain. Somehow it feels more controlled, and after my stomach got used to taking it the Fish Burps disappeared (if you take Fish Oil you will now what I mean). I am still taking both Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil, you can read other posts to figure out why.

Anyway, as interesting as my welfare and stability is lets try to find another topic. How about the wonders of Green tea? That’s right I should start a new poll…which is best Green, Red, White, or Black tea. Nah, if you have read this far please comment, because I would like to imagine someone will read this someday.

Rain pouring down!

Until people start coming to my site I will be posting about Umbrellas. That is right the wonderful world of Umbrellas is so under appreciated. They keep you dry, they keep you warm, and they can even keep the sun out of your eyes. When is the last time that you stopped to say thank you to your Umbrella? Even more what kind of Umbrella do you choose? The small kind that can fit in a purse (that is what I have) or the traditional kind that is so long it can be used as a cane? Let us all take a moment of silence for all the important Umbrellas that we have had in our lives. They seem like such a small thing, but if you think about them they are so profound, and beautiful.

It seems like every time I seat down to post my ever so social absolutely attention-loving cat comes to seat by my side. She loves people not cats just people. She takes comfort in just being by my side. It is not that she does not get along with cats; she has been living with one of her kittens for years now. They play together and sometimes snuggle, but she puts up boundaries with her child that she never would for a human.

Have you ever played the Sims? I have been playing it for years. One day my Mom sent me an email, with information about the game, much like she did with Neopets, and I just couldn’t wait until I got the game. I remember cold winter days in the room that hardly gets heat (my family home isn’t evenly heated) drinking Peppermint tea (the only kind of tea I liked at the time, yes sister I know it isn’t a real tea) and playing the Sims, and to this day if I have Peppermint tea I think of the Sims.

I have the Sims 2 with two expansion packs for my trusty computer, but I have hardly played it over the summer. Instead I have kind of fallen into an illness of sleep. At first it was something beyond my control, but now it is habit… I think. Either way I am going to see a doctor about that side effect I spoke about earlier, because my pDoc says it shouldn’t have been caused by my medication. This makes me mad because it was due to this side effect that I was taken off Risperdal, and down the horrible road to Zyprexa. It is a long story that if you are interested I will tell you again later (it is hidden somewhere in my many previous posts).

Making a dent?

I was so caught up in watching Naruto that I almost forgot to post…lets see. I have a cat by my side and a smile on my face. It is comforting that small little things like Naruto can still make me smile. I am too serious most of the time. If you have Bipolar disorder and you are feeling blue because all the evidence you find on the web of people still suffering from their sickness take hope. Those who speak out are those who have issues, those who are content often stay quiet.

I myself am getting better everyday. I can feel it. I told my sister it was the slippery slope. “The slippery slope Upward?” She asked. “Yes” She said I should do my Senior Project on the slippery slope upwards. Who knows maybe I should put some thought into it.

I am wondering what exactly is expected of me on this website… what position am I filling? Don’t say that I am writing it all for myself, because if that were the case I would be writing in a notebook. What do you want to see: cat pictures with every post, random stories, or interviews?

I am trying to make a bent. Here before me is the vastness of the world, and I am wondering what I can do to get you attention. Should I try to be funny, creative, twisted, or troubled?

Smile. All this doesn’t change the fact that I have a cat sleeping happily beside me, and good music to listen to. I should close my eyes (not to sleep) and enjoy the moment just like my kitty knows to do.

Music

There is nothing that can wake you up quite like a good song. Sure coffee might speed up your heart, but music gets your soul dancing. I wish I had better control over my brain. My brain that extension of my body that controls so much of me. I can only hope that my soul still wants to live. I can hope that my soul knew that taking 150 aspirin would just destroy my organs, and that as soon as I called the emergency hotline to have someone to talk to as I died my soul knew I would get to the hospital in time to avoid serious damage.

My soul had complete control over the situation, and it has foresight beyond anything my physic can master. It was my soul that walked me safely to get help while I was manic and unable to think clearly. It was my soul that tricked my mind into taking that first bit of medication.

I guess these things might also be thought of as God. If it was God then he/she has taken good care of my family and me. Do you think that God has really stepped in and guided me though the worst.

I have a lot more faith then I admit. For one thing I am talking to air (by talking I mean writing on the web). Not always a very sign. Another thing is I continue based on what others insist to take medications. I also put faith in what everyone says about being able to find a better job after going to college. When I am riding in a car I have faith that in every single one of those other cars is another person living another life. These might surprise you being as leaps of faith, but they are. For all I know my medication could be sugar pills that are supposed to create the illusion that they are making me better so I feel better. It is possible that some of those other cars are actually just machines used to create the illusion of more people, so we do not feel lonely.

Now that I am done writing about nonsense I will go on to… I will on to stop writing.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I am listening to Hedwig and the Angry Inch right now. It was before the origin of love…

Now there was three sexes then
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back
Called the children of the sun
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth
They looked like
Two girls rolled up in one
And the children of the moon
Was like a fork shoved on a spoon
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son…

When I was in Catholic school I learned that that sex was something so sacred that having sex for any other reason then to have a baby devalued this sacred act.

I don’t know what to say about this. I believe that homosexuality is something natural made by God, and just as beautiful as any of his creations.

It is possible that there is something so sacred about sex that it goes beyond just the act of having a child.

What can I say anyways? Its just I don’t think that God created people in order for them to be devalued and prosecuted.

An explanation of my wishlist

I do not expect anyone to get me anything off my wishlist. I did put some cheap stuff on there, but I put some things that no one in their right mind would get me. I decided one day to have a little fun on amazon and put unrealistic stuff on there. So if you actually ever want to get me something on there (ie family & friends) you can sort things by price, and I am sure you will be able to find something within your price range.

Oliana Lander - with a little more

She woke up in the middle of a field. Her bed was gone, and of course her room. Her neck was sore. She was alone in her pajamas without shoes, food or money. She wanted to scream, and she did. , After birds flew into the air nature quieted itself for a while, but nothing much happened. She stood up and took a few steps and then froze, as something shiny appeared where her foot was about to fall. Stepping back she picked it up. It was a simple blade elegantly craved. Looking around more she realized that it had been laying in bones. She wanted to scream again. Bits of old clothe had survived, but mostly it was just bones. She noticed something else there was shinny a pile of gold and silver, which without hesitation she stuffed into my pajama pockets.

My name is Oliana Lander. I am a teenage girl who has no idea how she ended up hopping around in a field in kitty cat pajamas trying to avoid stepping on anything that hurts. If you could help me about now I would really apreatiate it, my tummy is beginning to complain and I am thirsty. Most importantly I am Bipolar, and if I do not get my medication I will be in a sad state. I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. Please. Please. Help me.

Oliana crawled up into a ball that night, and cried silently about her greatest fear, not taking her medication. She had had a dream once that taking away her medication was the worse thing that anyone could do to her. She wondered how many days she would have before she went into withdrawal.

When she woke up there was a stag that seemed to be kissing her. He was on the ground next to her. She rubbed his nose, and he ran off into the distance. Funny dream. She feel back asleep, when she woke up there was a pair of shoes on her feet. She smiled wearily wishing that they were medication, and then she noticed the boxes, engraved on each bronze box was a name of her medication, and when she opened them up there they were. A roll of parchment was sealed beside them beside a bag that looked much like a book bag. The seal was a pair of Antlers interlocking. She broke the seal. Upon the parchment was written, “I could only bring what you already owned. Sorry.”

The sound of dogs barking soared across the field. The next minute they came stumbling across the field. A boy riding a horse was chasing after the dogs. They were coming her direction. Oliana stuffed the bronze boxes into the book bag and throw it on her back. “Help!” She cried out to the boy and she ran in his towards the horse. It wasn’t long before she had an apple in her hand. As it turns out it wasn’t a boy, but a grown man who looked something like a creature in a book she had read as a child, “The Hobbit.” The man was talking passionately about his hunt. He had tracked a stag to this spot.

The wind washed over her with the speed of a river. She looked up and saw a cloud shaped in the form of a stag, but when she looked closer she saw a man. “… and I can just feel how he would taste cooked properly.” Oliana regained focus, and asked, “Could I come with you? I am lost and I do not know where to go.” The Hobbit babbled for a minute, “Well. I. Umm. You see. I am on the hunt. There is a river that way, and a bridge that leads to Elven country.” He pointed southeast. “Here, let me give you this.” He walked over to his supplies, and pulled out some bread, and cheese, and then rustled around in his a bit until he pulled out a net. “Here is some food, and a net for when you get near the river. It is best to stay away from human territory for a while because of the war. Well, I guess you know that and that must have been what brought you out here.” Oliana said, “No not really. I have no idea where I am. I was in bed and I woke up here.” “Oh, is that so.” Said the Hobbit, “Well I best get back to the hunt. Good luck to you.” “Wait. What is your name?” “I am Orion. The Great Hunter, and you Miss.” “Oliana.” “Oliana, why is it that you are adorned with cats? Are you like those Goblins of Sand that wear jewelry of all sorts of cats stolen from the humans of ancient times?” “No. I just happened to have cat pajamas, I don’t know anything about Goblins.” “Well with the direction you were going it was only a matter of time until you found out. Go towards the river. See if you can get some nice Elf to take you in as a refuge of war. They will give you hard work to do, but it will be good clean work. Bye.” The hobbit like man very skillfully managed to get from the ground to the top of his horse, and he left.

Oliana felt a pit in her stomach from the moment that Orion had mentioned a war, it redoubled now that she was alone. She stuffed the net, and food into her Backpack and decided; not wanting to figure out what a Goblin was, to go the direction that Orion had advised. So she walked, more grateful then she ever had been to have shoes on her feet, and food in her belly. One day without food can drain a person’s energy a lot. So she decided to walk slowly all the while wondering what kind of war were the humans in.

Time went by, and her feet had blisters still she walked, after four days had pasted when she was all out of cheese and bread she finally made it to the river and was in the process of trying to figure out how to catch fish with a net when she heard a human yelling, “Ok, men lets camp here.” Thinking about the war, she automatically took cover behind a rock.

“Set up the tent.” A horse passed closely to the rook. The rider was the yeller. No longer yelling he was talking to what looked like his correspondent, and he said, “Being the mother Elf to me. If we cannot get the answers out of her we will have to threaten the life of the little Elf.” “Helmet Head, You are going to let me kill them both after the questioning won’t you?” said a woman with a silky voice that made Oliana shiver. “My name is Kennedi. Remember that or I will set the prisoners free myself. As for the two prisoners I don’t expect them to know anything. It is bad luck for them that we happened to come across them. Yes Malvina, you can cut them up with that Elven blade to your hearts content” “Good. I cannot decide who to cut up first, usually when we pick up a parent and child I always kill the child first to make the parent suffer through their child’s death, but lately I have been unsure that the parents really do suffer any more then the child would. I will bring the prisoners to your tent when we are settled.”

Empty shell

How may I open my soul up to you today? I am getting my blood taken today. It will be tested for a number of things.

I am back. My blood has been taken and I can just imagine a very happy vampire drinking it down and writing whatever is wrong with it. Kidding. I have a smile on my face and good food in my belly. I consider these wonderful things. Even if I would like to sleep every single hour of the day, it is good to be up. The weather is so nice that I am ashamed to have missed so much of it.

Much like I stated in my last post, I am ashamed to sleep as much as I do, but am beginning to think that it might be something other then a character fault. Here is crossing my fingers and hoping that I am right.

How can I explain this horrible feeling that I have at times. I am slowly going into a panic over my Senior Project. Not over lack of ideas, but having to work out three plans to present the first day back. When this panic sets in I feel unmotivated and want to just give up on everything, even the waking world. So I give up on being awake and sleep even more.

After having the ideas eliminated temporally from my brain paranoid thoughts are pushing there way in again. I will not tell you the nature of these thoughts because I am too paranoid at the moment to revel them, but even with as paranoid as I can be, I have trouble keeping things secret for long.

I used to be so content. I never really questioned things the way that I do now. To me as a child all textbooks held great truths that I could master if only I could motivate myself to start reading all those college textbooks that my mother held onto. I never talked myself into teaching myself the great knowledge hidden in those book, but I still wonder what would have happened if I had tried.

There were many things that I planed on doing when I was a child. I was going to be a great artist, a great writer, a great number of things. Yet here I am my motivation worn thin and my passion for life sometimes opaque. Before my passion shinned like the light off a dragonfly. It feels as if it was stolen from me. It feels as if my very soul has been ripped away, and I am left an empty shell. The medication feels like it is keeping demons from taking home in the absence. Yet it makes no difference to me. I am but a body, somehow holding on to this world out of love.

Sorry about not posting yesterday...

I feel my passion slipping away from me. It seems that the times when I am most awake are the times when it is late at night. Take right now for example. I would like to go to sleep, and yesterday I had this feeling so much so that when the low (the horrible feeling) hit me (which was right when I was get ready to post) I decided to go to sleep, and so I slept. Right now I do not feel motivated to do much of anything. What is wrong with me? Why do I sleep so much?

Now that I am done being melodramatic lets focus on the good stuff. Which is… I think I am going to try and talk my Mother into taking me to Starbucks, because I weighted myself today and I have lost some weight, so I have two options, one celebrate and get a small Green Tea Frap. or eat less sweet stuff to lose more weight.

I know that it sounds lame to have to talk people into taking me places, but the thing is… I don’t have a car. That is right no hot wheels. This greatly limited the places I could work in Ann Arbor because it had to be within bus route/walking distance. The amount of money I have saved by not having to pay car payments and car insurance and gas, and repairs and so forth is greater then the amount I would gain having one. So for now I will be car-less. This, however, does take away some of my freedom forcing me to depend on buses and my two legs. I do not know how long I will be able to survive in this world without a vehicle, but that is the least of my worries. My first worry should be finding the well to get up and face the long boring day.

My mother thinks that I am depressed. She has never seen me at my most depressed. I guess I am exhibiting more of the signs of depression now then when I was most depressed.

Now that I think about it… I am depressed. I felt that horrible feeling yesterday so I decided to just sleep through it. That is something I do when I get depressed. OMG. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling ashamed about sleeping up too 15 hours, and thinking that all I need to overcome this problem is willpower. Maybe it isn’t some fault in my character. Maybe it is just the medication, or depression, or both dragging me down.

I feel better now. It has been nice talking to you.