When your foot starts hurting in the night

Do not pay attention to as follows:

“If you are too young for medications try to use natural means of fighting the depression. Sunlight. Exercise, Fish Oil, Vitamins, Minerals, Nature Made has a group of Vitamins, Minerals that might help you. Look on the back of Mult-her/him to see if it has Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid (because rumor has it this is the next Fish Oil for Depression). Otherwise get the Maximin Pack.

If the screening says you are not Bipolar then you can also use St. Johns Wort, and Mood Plus Sam-e. If you are perhaps you could find a psychiatrist to guide you in the use of Sam-e, but people with Bipolar disorder should stay away from St. John's Wort.”

Apparently, I have no idea about how to be healthy because my foot was in dire condition yesterday. It got so bad that for a while I was crawling around. My cell phone disappeared this morning so I will have to look for it. Anyway, I was panicking and picturing myself crawling up to Monday class I asked my sister if she had a crutch. My other sister went out and picked up two canes.

This morning a call from my Mom me woke me. (I couldn’t get up into my loft so I couldn’t use my alarm clock. I slept on the sofa.) It was almost time for class. I couldn’t miss another class because I had missed so many. So I used the ride I had set up with my sister the night before. I felt bad about this, and she hated me for it. And she hated me for having to go out and get canes when what do you know the next day I was walking. Yes, I was a little wobbly, and I don’t know if I should go to a Doctor. I guess if it happens again I have the canes.

I had to stop taking vitamins and minerals in case one was interacting with a medication, but I’ve known that I have circulation problems for a long time. That’s it. I am so thirsty.

Okay, I am back and I have a Mighty Mango. My ‘sick’ day yesterday was interesting. I would say it was more worry then pain. My heel is still complaining, but it is still walk’able. Teach me to exercise.

“Although PVD is not heart disease, it is often the first sign of blood vessel problems that may lead to coronary artery disease. The most common symptom of PVD is pain in the feet, legs or buttocks that first is noticed during walking or other exercise. The pain almost always goes away when the person rests.” –Heart Rhythm Society

Here is my wager: It is not the medication. I have had pain in my feet ever since the first time I started to exercise. It is the weight gain due to the medication that has made it worse. This problem has slowly gotten worse until what do you know just walking triggers it.

No it cannot wait, like my sister says. Problems with the circulation can be death. If I were suicidal I wouldn’t even wait due to the danger of it all.

All I can do is wait. I called my pDoc. She said to see a doctor today, but if my leg started hurting too, to call 911. I’ll be fine though. All the doctors will tell me is that I am at an increased risk of a heart attack, or stoke and to exercise and eat healthy, right? Yet, the peace of mind would be worth the walk.

Let me look that up.

“Peripheral vascular disease is characterized by narrowing of the arteries, reducing blood flow to the legs, arms, brain and other organs. The cause, in most cases, is atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). The arteries become narrowed by cholesterol-containing fat (plaque) that builds up and hardens inside the arteries. People with peripheral vascular disease are at high risk for heart attack and stroke. While peripheral vascular disease is common — about 10 million people in the United States are affected — only about one in four is diagnosed and receives treatment.” –Mayo ClinicIt says little about treatment, but it says there is treatment. Meaning I should go see a doctor. So it isn’t my lack of good research about natural ways to help with depression, but inside it is my own body saying, “I have been complaining for years. I’m going to make your foot hurt because you have high cholesterol and you gained weight and I don’t like it. Oh, and that medication that can raise cholesterol? Yes, the medication that makes you sane? Say goodbye to stability. Oh and that exercise that enabled me to make your foot hurt? It saved your life.”

Should I skip the student health system, that tells me if I should go to a doctor, and just go to a doctor?

“Vitamins
Folate, B-6 and B-12 are vitamins that help to decrease homocystine in the blood. In specific situations, other dietary supplements may be prescribed, such as L-arginine and Omega-3 fatty acids.” –Mayo Clinic
The wondrous impact these vitamins where having on me must have been what helped with my mood. It got my blood flowing, literally. Omega-3’s seem to help as well, and Grape Juice says on the front that it is good for the heart. The mystery of my depression has been solved, and it’s all in the veins.

I wonder how many people are depressed because of circulation problems. I just vented to a friend in the studio right by me. I feel better now. My circulation has speed up.

You know, I’ve always wondered (since High School) why doctors didn’t say anything about my heart when they listened, just because my heart had started to feel different. I wonder what it will feel like to have legs that don’t hurt when you exercise, or walk at the same speed as everyone else.

Good day, I will had a cat picture later.

Fragments of Thought

My nose is bleeding. I am going to a Mental illness knowledge workshop at the U of M Depression Center in Ann Arbor today. I am supposed to be shipping a book for my Mother but I have no idea where the book is, so that will have to be done tomorrow.

I have concluded after further reading that the last Harry Potter book is in fact a good book. It just spends a lot of time talking about a certain Wizard at the beginning that I do not care for. I think to myself, is the focus of this book this Wizard or is it Harry overcoming the forces of He Who Shall Not be Named.

On a side note, I was thinking about my High School days, and how I for no big reason recalled that my sister said shaving legs took away tans and told this my friend who was Mexican only to get yelled at about her skin not being a tan. I was quite taken aback that she had thought this was anything other then me feeling insecure about how horrible my un-tanned must have looked during gym. Of course I was too horrified to explain this and to this day she might think that I did not realize that she was Mexican and naturally a darker skin tone.

As I was shaving my legs thinking of going outside and tanning because my legs looked like they needed some sun, this popped into my head. Apparently this was one of those memories that stuck to me, like being bitten by a vampire. Another friend told me that I would forget about it, but I did not, I have not, and I do not see myself forgetting it in the future.

I wonder if the day is coming when we will be so advanced in technology that we do not even need to have writing anymore. Everything will just be spoken word. No learning the alphabet, no spelling, and just pure and simple speech. I guess I am wrong about this, because a persons voice would get worn out after a while. It was an interesting idea through, and I just noticed all the cat hair on my laptop. I will just be a minute….

Ok, I’m back. That didn’t take to long. I have one month until school starts back up. One month. I can’t decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that I want to continue working on this very thing that I am doing right now. The problem is I am in Art School not English, and while I have taken one Upper Level Writing Course, Environmental Journalism, I really don’t know what I am doing. As I stated before I am going to take a Creative Writing Course, which should help me along.

You want to know a secret. I am seeking comfort in writing instead of drawing, or another traditional art because nothing is expected of me. If I were an English major I would be seeking comfort in drawing as we speak. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. Okay?

If I had good money I would waste it all on good food. I would eat out so much. I don’t know why this is important for you to know, but be sure to take good notes of everything; you will be quizzed at some point.

What I would really like would someone to find this site that loved my writing style so much that they had to read every single long drawn out post. Are there people that actually do that?

I am happy today because I can feel my shorts are looser, which means my tubby is smaller from all the walking I did in the last two days. Yay, for me. My legs are looking great.

Do I really have to come up with a title

I started out today with a beautiful picture in mind. I don’t know what it was, but it was intriguing nonetheless, maybe it was heaven.

There is so much we have to wait for to learn. I am not that good at waiting. I want to know what the afterlife is like now, is it as scary as being insane? Because when I was in Psychosis the fear was so great it was almost painful, this is talked about in the book Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin.

Anyway, I hope that death is like a mania without the fear, and bad stuff that goes with it, because it is amazing what the world feels like in that state, and you are not alone, you can hear others talking about you says things like, “she can hear us.”

Sigh. I heard once that angels are beautiful and horrible to behold, that is what mania is like. I wish I could have seen angel. I guess I have time yet to behold the unimaginable.

When I get in front of that great void of the sublime fear rushes in. Once when my medication was decreased (before they knew I had Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder) I began once again to think that people where trying to keep me from transcending. I was tempted to go off my medication altogether. I would sit in bed at night crying because I didn’t want to take my medication.

Then one night I started having flashbacks to when I was in the mental hospital and how afraid I was. The fear became so great that not only did I take my medication, but I also took more (only the amount it had been decreased).

When I am walking in the park I watch people riding bikes with envy. I have decided that it is time for me to relearn how to ride a bike, so I can go zooming past the walkers.

I really wish I could find a job. I do not want to go back to my old job when the school year starts up (because so many students are gone during the summer they don’t need as much help, hench they didn't need me over the summer), because I don’t want them to know I didn’t work all summer. Sigh.

As soon as I finish this post I am going to go walking, because if I’m not working I might as well be walking. Now if only their was a job that required a person to walk around all the time. I know, I will be a meter reader!

Beautiful Macs-Senior Projects

Have you ever noticed the beautiful pattern of moving light that a slow fan makes on the ceiling, and that gentle whisper of air? I have a cat at my feet sleeping, and a computer on my lap. I will let you guess what kind of computer (laptop, get it).

I have a beautiful Mac that I was required to get in order to go to the art school I attend. It has served me well, and I have yet to have someone steal it. As you can guess from the fact it is still in my lap.

For my Senior project I have three ideas: One, fight the stigma of mental illness (figure out how to do it and do it), Two, develop my inter eye and train my Psychic energy to do artwork based on what I feel, and Three, create a Blog that does both in order to portray where I am in at this point in time.

Yay! I have three ideas, and over a month to put together a way to make them work. Dance Furby Dance.

I am going to take creative writing this coming semester so be prepared for some artistic prospective. One thing is for sure. If I do the Blog project, I will have to expand, and leave the easy to use format of Blogger to build a website again.

Why not use the same website you might ask? Well, I kind of… well…hmm. I forgot the password and there is no way to get it back. None. Believe me I have tried. So I have a site out there somewhere that will remain untouched because no one knows how to get to it.

I think I will check my email… be right back.

Anyway, the weather here has gotten much better. It was a wonderful day for a walk in the park. I didn’t because it was too late, so I walked on the treadmill.

I think things are getting better, but I still have those moments of sadness.

My past Blogs

I figure no one will ever read this Blog. Who want to hear a person who is so offensive (Psychic and Psychosis) , even if I am not trying not to be. In the end this Blog is about keeping me awake, because if I didn’t seat down to write at this moment I would have crawled up and bed and fallen asleep. So, even if no one ever reads this, this is a good Blog. It is good for me.

I received an email from someone with stronger psychic energy than me today, or at least their energy was tamed while mine is raw. I am really working on having my cards attach to me. I keep them with me a lot.

There is a small hurt little fruit fly crawling across my shirt. It is so cute and determined to live, it must have gotten on me when I walked today. Yes, today I walked, that is what I do everyday, try not to sleep and walk. Right now I am on two weight loss pills to counteract the weight gain that comes with Zyprexa (a pretty serious antipsychotic). I am on so much expensive medication, but luckily I am on my parents insurance until I’m 25. Dance Furby Dance.

If you look at my other Blog Sulfur you can see into my past, and you can see another stage of my life at Red Tea.

I was so different then, but in many ways the same. I still enjoy writing just as much. I hardly know depression back than, and Furbies and Mac and Cheese where good topics of conversation. I guess in many ways I was still like a child, but enjoyed this, so why grow up? I had grown up in the important areas that some people never reach. I was mature, I just like to joke about childish things, and play video games, and eat sweet stuff.

Recently, I have stopped playing video games and am putting all my focus into Tarot cards. Which I might add is not childish at all.

Ahhh, my eyes are so sleepy. I had more than enough sleep. Sigh.

Summer '06 and Theories of the Soul and Water

This summer was a lot better then the summer before it summer where I was very, very depressed. I was so depressed that for a while I had trouble reading even a page of a book. I couldn’t enjoy anything, so everything I did seemed like a waste.

Sooner or later I found a job, but I was still in a bad state of mind, so I couldn’t even enjoy the fact that I was allowed to read most of the time.

By the time I had the well I could read more, and I started clang to books and movies to help me pass the horrible long days.

The job I found did not offer many hours so I turned to the outdoors to take away the rest of my time. I would walk for hours upon hours through the park.

My mind would wonder and I came up with a hypothesis about the soul. The soul is like water. As we get closer to the source of heat (God) we expand and lose touch with ourselves. As we move away from the heat water is cohesive so it pulls together into little raindrops of life.

When Water gets far away from the source it becomes cold, and out of preservation forms crystals together expanding their mass, but as it becomes very cold the water crystals fall in on themselves and the water loses all structure, order, and union, it is only when the heat comes their way that they awake from their prison.

That is all I remember about my hypothesis I linked other elements to other parts of the world, like plants needing water and so on.