Sigh,

Early in the morning I dropped something off at my consoling office, a referral in fact. Wind gently blowing in my face I walked to Panera with my brother. My brother, as always, playing the role of the older sibling paid for my bagel and cream cheese. We sat by the window as the light of the second half of winter poured in. It was good bagel I have to admit, but not as good as Big Apple Bagels, I’ve never had a bagel as good as Big Apple Bagels. In High School I used to pick up Big Apple Bagels to sell in the morning before classes for the Art Club. Bagels and Donuts. I was complemented once for my taste in Donuts. Dunk’in Donuts.

Now? Now I am in Barnes and Nobles. What? There is a college bus over there! The college bus doesn’t go out here (I think) if it does I’m take’n it. It is so peaceful here I think I will take my fish oil now. Yum supplements washed down with coffee. Not espresso, no. I’m switching back to coffee. I can use fake sugar and less milk that way. My brother is grading 8th graders papers right by me right now.

Reach down deep inside yourself. Close your eyes and read the letters floating around in the red glowingness. I wonder why people say when they close their eyes they see nothing. When it is dark and I close my eyes I can faintly see a greenish yellow light twisting. When it is quiet I always hear the ringing in my ears. I noticed this ring when I was much younger, and I associated it with the sound of electricity flowing through the walls. I think that the ringing has gotten louder.

Have you ever read so long that the words have imprinted themselves onto your vision? You close your eyes and you see words, but you cannot make them out. Then slowly the words fade, and it is back to that yellow light twisting.

Have you ever stared at a teacher in front of a white board for so long that when you move your eyes you see an image of her on the white board?

Have you ever stood in front of a demon? A dog demon? Inuyasha. Last night there was a memory, a concept that passed through my head. The thought of all those books, and fantasy like movies all rolled into one, one male to stand for all those heroes. So he stood beside me, and there was something that I was something in a dream the night before, but I could not pull it out.

(I’m going to be silly for a while.)

In a Movie of Naruto (Movie 2), there was a concept that if one person ruled everything, they would abuse this power, and fights would break out for this power. One Ring to Rule them all, but I am the one person to rule all my genes. A body works together towards me. So while the One Government to rule them all would be evil indeed (even in the body there are different organs) there perhaps should be One Goal, that we will try the hardest to make sure that every cell (person) lives a good happy life.

Today, we could be doing a much better job toward this goal. Because we have so many resources we do not use/share, but that we waste. We have a few challenges to overcome, but there are enough brilliant fools out there to save the world.

So when the world has a blood system for all its parts. So when the cultures have formed into organs that can work with others, and the Amish continue to make their wonderful quilts holding the secrets of the past. There is much we have foolishly let go of. Much we are losing.

As for the brain, we all have them. There is no need to have a One Ring overall the organs. Right?

So in the Utopia of the body we will find our way.

(Done being silly.)

Sometimes when you get an idea you just have to write it out. There are number of people I would like to lift up. I would like, a better shelter for the homeless and support for children whose parents are ‘junkies.’

The other day I ran into a homeless person who had a nametag on. Thinking that maybe he wasn’t homeless, but was collecting money for the shelters I stopped to talk to him. He said, “I am homeless.” with the same acceptance and pride that I would I say, “I am Schizoaffective Bipolar.” a kind of, ’I am a person, here is my old name tag from where I worked’ attitude.

Sometimes instead of just saying, “No” to the homeless I say, “No, but I will buy you something to eat.” Not much because I am poor, but when I think of being homeless I think about three things, Cold, Bad Food, and Smelliness. Oh and uncomfortable sleeping places. That is why I want a big warm homeless shelter.

When it comes to the Sims 2 I have written a few ‘ideas’ for expansion packs. I.E. Art Gallery (I am happy to see they are getting an art gallery and am wonder if they saw my idea. I would also like to see if they used any of my ideas about what the art gallery is like. i.e. You have to become friends with the gallery owner to sell painting for more
money, and that he is a mean and rude person who is hard to get along with.)

One idea was that people aspiring to be Chiefs could work in soup kitchens (to get experience), so that the homeless of the neighborhood could not only have food, but five star meals!

I also had an idea about having an environmental artist. Dragons stealing away Sims so they have to be rescued. Running at each other on horse with poles. (I was told that is Joulting…or whatever.) And a Sims 2 Cultures EP. I think that explains itself.

Have I talked about this before? I got an extreme box of Nature Made Vitamins and Minerals. Maximin Pack for Men and Women. It has so much stuff in it that it is bound to hit the mark, and for half the price as buying the Jones 24c if I could find the 24c for a $1 each… only the Jones 24c comes with tasty liquid. I wonder if I sold the packets I could make a killing. You know, make my October.

Vitamin and Mineral and Supplements time! Which includes Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil under supplements. Only I’m not sure I should take it with Vitamin E because that is what breaks down Omega-3’s. I will look it up. Oh, the two are good together; Vitamin E keeps Omega-3’s from going rancid. You want to know something weird? Yes you do. I knew somehow that Fish Oil could go rancid without ever having heard the word. I used the word rancid on instinct.

Oh no my poor Bonsai. Maybe it is time to water it again. I think it is time to use some fertilizer to help it re-grow what has been lost. It just doesn’t like it when my room gets cold, and I come back and turn on the heater and it gets warm. Also the lighting is messed up. Bonsai Bonsai. What will I do with you if I have to move? One of my plant lights is too strong, where if it hits the back of the leaves it dries them up. So how do I know both sides healthy? Now if I had a contraption that moved the light around it like the sun it wouldn’t matter. Don’t you think it would make a cool display table? (For Bonsai that do not mind the indoors.) Of course you do, and you being a top of the line furniture designer, will look into creating it right away. What if it flops? Here’s how it goes people like plants (nature and all), people like the latest technology, and people like good design (that will be up to you).

I go onward. Something has changed. I am not nearly as tired as I used to be. My brother says that is must likely a combination of things. One being the change in weather, and another being, the vitamins and minerals, and I forget the third one. He talked about X-Men for a while and the healing powers of Wolverines body and mind. Apparently if Wolverine mind heals by making him forget all the bad times.

I exercised today until my feet fell asleep. After a while I was able to switch machines to one where if my feet gave out I would not get hurt. I slowed down and let my blood flow back to my feet, wiggling my toes (I didn’t want to damage my feet by not paying attention to their needs.) Yet, every time I started speeding up my feet would go numb again. So that, and that fact that my headphones wouldn’t stay on with this new machine (they are broken) lead me to give up, and focus on schoolwork.

Really, this medication slows me down. My feet have never been that numb while working out before. It is true that I’ve had a numb I don’t hurt anymore, but not a numb I don’t feel my feet very much. Not a, “Oh, no! They have fallen asleep, what if I they stop working.” So it is settled, medication is messing with my circulation, or at least the amount of oxygen in my blood.

Do I care? Do I care when I am waddling along and everyone is passing me, and then so far ahead of me. Do I care that my legs complain every morning walking into school or that I can no longer do my best when exercising because of my feet? If you do then you do not know depression. Sure I’ll take a few hits here in there. My feet have always hurt when working out until the pain just goes away, but this, two feet sleeping?

Sigh.

I posted a question on yahoo answers:
I am on Lamictal, Topamax, Wellburtrin, Zyperxa Zydis, and Zoloft. Lamictal causes slow movement. So I exercise in the hopes of moving faster, but my feet and legs are in slight pain and then get numb and finally fall asleep. How can I overcome my slowness if I cannot even exercise?

It is not just exercise that hurts, but walking around everyday. I will try to keep up with others and my breath will get short as I limp along, and they are already walking slow just for me. It is a total workout keeping up with people, and I watch as people who passed me just a while ago are already all the way across the parking lot.

Oh, and reading takes longer now too. I want to speed back up, but I do not know how. I am scared to get off Lamictal and risk a medication that will have me depressed, or manic. (Schizoaffective Bipolar) I've lost so much of my life to depression.

First response: “See your doctor. Sometimes people read the side effects of their drugs and get it in their head that's what wrong with them. Lamictal is for epilepsy, but I know those drugs are sometimes used as mood stabilizers. Maybe you can try something else.” (SaraMc)

At first I was a little mad, but then I thought it over, she is saying that my problem could be caused by something other then the medication, and I shouldn’t label it.

I’m going to go try and answer some questions now. So I can reach level two and be able to rate, I think more people would answer if they could be rated.