Cats meow

That ugly little side effect that can mean such horrible things has popped back up again. Along with another one that I don’t know if I should be worried about. Oh, woe is me.

I cannot help but be happy today, it is almost as if someone has given me a happy pill…wait I guess I am on three of those. I wonder why I still feel so down most of the time? I cannot say I am depressed, just blue, but today… today I woke up to the wonderful sound of rain with little sprinkles somehow blown through my open window. Today, I decided to sleep in because I didn’t want to Babysat all day, and it worked my Mom did the Babysitting until she decided it was time for her to lie in bed. I know I should have gotten up, but I really, really didn’t want to. Today as I just stated, I was hit with two side effects, and I am still going strong. Today. Today. Today is a wonderful day. Days like this don’t fall out of the sky. The window is open, I can hear the birds and bugs and other outside sounds. I hear my father watching baseball and my mother watching some sort of other T.V. I hear the cars gently moving over the wet ground, a slick silvery sound.

Today I felt like I was going to get up and go to Detroit, then I reminded myself that no that was last semester, it has been months since then, but something just felt as good as I did near the end of my time going to Detroit during last Winter/Spring Semester. I was as on top of my game, ready to jump on any challenge, and pull my load like a packhorse. Even my dreams have started to go back to college issues. I have been going to classes I have already passed and rolling them around in my mind.

College has been my strength. It is the challenge that I have to prove. If it were not for college I would have gone off my medication long ago just to see what it was like, but college has given me something to lose. I don’t want to get a game over sign. When I seat down to play a game I will spend hours finding every single angle before making my way to the end. This is what made Morrorwind such a horrible game (I loved it) for me to play, so many angles so little time.

Sigh. The life I left behind me when I went to college; the life of entertainment, and comfort filled with just enough challenge to keep me happy, but so very very empty. The fear of college life at my door making me panic and pray to God for another path, but on I went off to college. How much I had yet to discover. That was before I knew what it was like to be really psychotic.

Doctor Doctor?

I have always been a nervous person this time of year. I think I have been dealing with anxiety without even knowing it. My pDoc says that it is a common thing along with Bipolar disorder. I remember reading somewhere that people who are Bipolar are also more likely to have anxiety issues.

I was going to see my normal Doctor today, but the power was out at their office so here I am. I was going to see my Dr. about a side effect that shouldn’t have been a result of the medications I am on right now so it must mean something else is wrong. The problem cleared up on its own, but there is still the fact that it was there to begin with so off to the Dr. I go. I have done some reading and the big ‘C’ can cause this problem. I’m not in pain so it is unlikely, but maybe we (my Dr. and me) will discover the reason I have been sleeping so much! Oh, what wonders await me?

The school year has been slowly creeping up on me, and what do you know I have about a week to get my act together. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. I should be happy in that I will have a lot of things to do, and sad in that I will have a lot of stressors. I have avoided stressors very well during the summer, but when it rains it pours.

There I feel better now. I would really like to be outside in the sun right now, but it really is raining. I don’t know what to do. I would like to crawl up inside myself and just sleep. I drafted into nothingness once. I was sitting there on a tour of Detroit in the next mintute I was vaguely remembering that I was in the middle of a class. I think I have told you this before.

I want to get though it this college thing. I am so very, very close. What will I do once I have a degree? Will I continue to torture myself with school so I can become a librarian or will I torture myself with a job? I am in a bad place right now. I was forced into a state of in-betweeness. Well, I guess I ended up there as a result of my choices.

So, I close my eyes and think to myself, why? Why don’t I fight to get myself out of this deep abyss? Why do I care so much? I have been trained to be nervous and to use those nerves to motivate myself to fight my way through project after project. I have used creativity, and passion… two things that are failing me now. I can only hope that as the school year draws ever closer my nerves will become so great that I will have to act on them. Yet this still doesn’t answer the question of why I care. A spark just went off in my head. It is something that I will have to keep secret until I have better worked it out.

Anyway what I am trying to say is that I am walking along a pointless road towards a life that if centered around myself. Every bit of energy used would be for selfish reasons. I have a chance to wake up, but I do not know exactly how, or at least I am unsure enough that I am unwilling to take the risk. I, even in my illustioned state, have a chance to break though the mold. When I was insane I came to the conclusion that in the eyes of an angel everyone seems mentally ill.

I can count to three!

I am walking along the edge. I, for the first time in my life, want to start having small amounts of wine every now and then, but I know that if I go too far I will lose my chance of ever being better. This is because alcohol will destroy the effectiveness of my antidepressants and make me very sleepy.

I would like to talk about my lack of motivation. I just don’t understand it. I have the biggest project in my whole life (so far) right in front of me and I cannot master the well power to face it. I have fallen back into the hole. I need an artist statement. I need to start getting the wheels rolling and pull out the oil (coffee) to take care of all the squeakiness. I have a little over a week to get everything together and my mind… my mind just feels blank. I am able to function talk, eat, smile, be overly upset, but my passion at the moment is lacking. A senior last year said in a presentation that you are going to hit the water and you either sink or swim…or something like that. I cannot explain this worry that comes from my inability to…that is it. It is high time I start doing something other then complaining.

Senior Project Idea One
Webtastic

The propose of this first project is to utilize the act of creating a Personal Web Journal in order to understand what a successful Online Journal involves.

Normal journaling is a journey for oneself, a way to collect thoughts, and make since of life, and it success depends on how well it accomplishes these endeavors, but very moment that a Journal becomes public its definition changes.

I ran into the question of the purpose of an Online Journal my first year in college, and came to the conclusion that a lot of the success of the Online Journal depended on whether anyone actually visited the site. I concluded that the best way to get people to visit a site was posting daily, creating a weird sense of humor, and having a picture with every post. A very simple conclusion I might add, and far away from the truth. I have tested this hypothesis and discovered that it is far from true.

I now plan a full out attack on the Web. I will use video, audio, art, creative writing, a local twist, and a personal touch. I will do interviews, and research topics.

Senior Project Idea Two
S. F. S. (Students Fighting Stigma)

This project would focus on creating a student group created with the propose in mind of using their skills (individually or in a group) to combat the stigma attached to mental illness. I myself would be doing video pieces from the members that are willing to create a great be mix of people talking only to show that they all are affected by mental illness at the end.

This group would also be about providing support, and information to students who need it.

Senior Project Idea Three…I will get back to this later.

Money, Money...

Today is a day of dancing hamsters and flying pigs. I do realize that I can be a bit downbeat now that I have Bipolar disorder, and I have lost track of that spirit that I used to put into my posts when I was but a wee freshmen. Perhaps it is that I have changed. I used to have more energy and more of an ability to put up an aura of passion. Now I am just too tired most of the time to put forth that same energy. If you want to see the difference between me with energy and without it look at the long, post on Saturday 18th when I had had four cups of coffee.

I have been exploring the world of excess and luxury… well more like gazing into the world by putting together my wishlist online. Even with how extravagant I think it is I will run across the price for a single plate, or cup, and realize how little I am when it comes to the world of money.

It was almost like that time when I was must younger and walking through the designer shops inside a Las Vegas casino. I pride myself on shopping at Thrift stores and getting deals. Once when my family got a new car I was embarrassed to have my friends see that my family was so rich as to have a new car… I was in a dream world. I went to a private Catholic school, and my family was far away from the richest. If anyone was laughing at me it would have been about that rusty old van my family used.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Hello to you wonderful people at Google who secretly watch over websites that have Google ads.

I know you are there. I am not crazy in this. I just don’t know how much you monitor the sites out there. If you are reading this then I would like to say thank you. Right now, other then my family, you are my only audience.

My Grandmother used to think that there were microphones in the walls of her house so that the government could listen in. In case there is some huge government organization that keeps end eye on the web, I would like to thank you as well. You have a huge job in front of you, and you must work long hard hours, and don’t worry. I am Bipolar so one would believe if I told anyone that I thought the Internet was tapped.

To my rather small audience Act One will be ending soon, and I will be moving on to Act Two. It is my hope that I will be able to develop an audience during Act Two, and I am looking forward to the whole experience. It will be very hard, and I am just trying to make it through.

It is strange straggling to put together a dynamic wishlist, when I need none of the things listed. I figure that because I am stuck in the material world I might as well appreciate some material things.

I should be putting my plan for the Senior Project together, but I am not, and that is too bad.

I have three ideas.
1) The student group that will be run by me. The group will be for the purpose of fighting the stigma of mental illness.
2) A website, made by me, much like this one only with podcasts and/or youTube videos from interviews with people on the topic of mental illness, and other such information.
3) Developing my inter eye, through the use of Tarot cards, and doing art work based on the cards and spreads.

Sound like a plan? Not really.

Monday magic monday

For all you who are interested in my loft finding mission, I have run across a used Full size IKIA Loft for $100. Because it is Full size and not just an everyday Twin I would be willing to pay the extra $50. Now all I need is a Full size bed and those come falling out of the sky.

My mother picked up the book, An Unquiet Mind. The most recommended book she has run across when going to Support Groups. I have run across it myself online, but have never stopped to read it. I know, I know, if I want to be a good informer I should read this kind of thing, and maybe I will. I am watching the Wheel of Fortune with my mother… It just got over. Will almost.

My father is in the computer room with the computer repairman. My Dad has a great talent in messing up the computer. I think that our repairman has no idea what he is doing or else it would be up and running by now, either that or he is really smart and ripping us off. Never mind. I should not say such things about relatives. Yes, we are related to our computer repairman.

Have you ever wanted you just crawl into a ball? I’ll be walking or standing, and all of the sudden I will get this urge to just fall to the ground and pull my knees up to my face. I don’t know why I suddenly started having these feelings, but it is not fun.

I am still having fun just looking for things that I will never really get and putting it in my wishlist. I am thinking of it as the shopping cart I wish I had. Oh, the things I do with my free time. I could be off reading the great novels of this world, but instead I am greedily trying to find something that is classy to put into my wishlist(s) that and looking through Craigslist for Loft Beds and Mattresses and Bookshelves and Desks).

Loft Bed?

I am looking for a loft bed. I have been everywhere I can think of online searching for a wonderful price. I can get one for $50, but it is just a twin. I would really like a bigger bed. So I search, and search. I am ratter impatiently waiting for responses from a number of people. Let me check my mail again. Nope. No one. That is it. I am going to get the $50 loft bed. Or should I? Should I settle for second best? Yes.

OK. The email for the bed is sent out. Now lets see if another did not buy it first. I will take this bed and I will use it to take over the world. HA HA HA HA. Just you wait Henry Higgins. Just you wait.

I cannot wait until Wednesday when I get to go to Group Therapy. For a long time it is going to be the only therapy I will be getting because I am almost out of insurance visits and I refuse to pay out of pocket.

I really do not have much to say today. So use the extra energy you have just saved to read the next LONG post.