la la la -- a Time of Happiness

I feel so comfortable in coffee shops. Immediately my tired back eased up, and my tired head lifted up. My mind knew that it was time to write. I should be working as I type, but I am breaking because I felt so tired. So very tired. I know you might not have heard me complaining about being tired lately. It is getting better, and I have been too caught up in other things to write.

Less then one week now until I am done with college. The music is warning me, “Don’t come back. Don’t come back. Don’t know what to do if you come back.” I just don’t know if I could continue with the frame of mind that college takes. I want to work.

I need to move soon. I am hesitant to find a place to stay, because I do not know if I want to stay. If I sign a lease then that is another year of commitment. I could go to where the jobs are, or where the light is. I can handle heat pretty well. I could teach English in Japan, South Korea, China, etc. . I know you see all the grammar and spelling errors I make, but somewhere in my head are all those little rules. I remember Elementary and Middle School. I would like to know a second language better before then though.

You see I was tricked. The language courses started a week or two earlier then other courses. I didn’t know if I wanted to finish up in the Summer or Fall, until I was in a slump and needed something to pull me out of it.

Now I am a slump when it comes to writing. What should I say next? I was walking with my bookbag in the park the other day. I settled down at a bench in the sunlight yet with much nature around it. I read until I remembered that I had a posting that I needed to do, and told myself I would come back tomorrow and read in the sunlight. Of course, I didn’t. I attempted to read in the lobby of my apartment building with its huge windows, but it was too late, and dark.

This is a big tragedy. Not only did my sleeping rob me of most of my day, but also I did not find the power to use the sunlight while it was up. That is why school days are so important to me. They are my schedule keeper. They make me get up with the sunlight so I can see how wonderful the sun is on the trees, and through the windows of this coffee shop. Light bouncing off the red hair and black hair, a white striped shirt, and making glares in people’s glasses. This is what I was made for, to look and listen, and to write.

The smooth sliver of my laptop, the soft clicking of the keys brings a memory to my mind. While learning to type in Middle School a paper was put over our hands so we could not stare at the keyboard. We where using the first row, and I was doing an amazingly accurate job for a beginner. (While I am not a quick typist, I have a connection with technology, and learning that must have come from video games.) When the person I was on a team practicing with told the teacher that I was doing really good the teacher said, “Wait until we use all the keys.”

I continued in typing class, but I stopped to read whatever I was typing instead of just copying down as quickly as possible. (I think it is better to read. Your mind forms connections with knowledge, and typing.) So I was always slower. I passed though so I couldn’t be the worse in the world.

I was reading something to my niece a while ago that was too advanced for her, and she kept on asking me the meanings of words. It made me want to read to her advanced stuff (that she would be interested in) just so she could learn the words, but I do not live by her, and it might get discouraging for her to have to keep asking the meaning.

It is easy to take for granted just how advanced one’s language has become until you read to someone in Elementary, and you remember how you used to not know so many words. And one wonders how you could have ever not known this or that word, and when you learned it. I most certainly didn’t flip through the dictionary memorizing words, through I thought about doing that back then.

A friend of my sister had told me once that his favorite book was the dictionary. We had an expansive dictionary with a rhyming dictionary in it. I used to use it to write poems. I would pick a word with a lot of rhymes, and write a poem around the word (I was young give me slick). I didn’t always rhyme, but I loved that part of the dictionary.

I stopped writing poetry when my friend told me that I was a horrible poet, but now that I think about it, of course I didn’t compare to the professionals she was always reading. What mattered was that I loved to write them.

I’m going to have to find the power to continue artwork, and write while working. It would have been better if I had planned my time better this semester. Sleep.

Ummm, lets see. Oh, I have so much I want to do. The weather is so nice I want to walk; I want to play video games, and read manga. I want to read other stuff too. Yet without a job this all will fall apart. My nose feels like sleepiness, and the part between the eyes, and between the eyebrows too. Ahhh.

The contentment I felt when I entered the coffee shop has faded. I need to shift as my back feels out of place. I used to be called Stegosaurus back because my back bones where so visible. It sometimes makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with my back that I would be called this. Nah, it is just years of abuse from my back bag being too heavy.

I ponder how I could gain weight carrying this computer around, but then I remember my medication. Plus depression. I hope I am losing weight because I continue to walk with my bookbag. I walk uphill until my legs hurt (which isn’t very far) and past that point. One would think I am exercising, and I’m on less of the medication that makes me gain weight.

We shall see.

Back sore with tiredness mixed in with the soreness. Back soreness extends up into the neck splits at the shoulders.

New setting. I moved to a new location. Sitting outside of my next class to be more exact. The floor is hard, but comfortable enough. Not the kind of place for me to easily fall asleep. Oh how much I would like to sleep right now. An uncontrolled quiet thought entered my mind as if another mind had awakened, “help me.” It is fairly often (through not recently) that my mind is interrupted mostly when I am walking with a “Shut up.” ‘Shut up’ being the tamest out of the interruptions. I have developed a response. “@!`#$%!” says the uncontrolled voice. “Well, isn’t that nice.” says me.

This isn’t a voice like psychosis, but just a mental burp, some people have it about things around them. I happen to have it say one or two word negative statements about me.

Oooooo. It is after class now. I was told that if I came to the coffee shop with my receipt I would get a $2 grande coffee drink not that I would get a grande coffee drink for $2. Oh, woe is me. The drink was already made before I could say I was just stupid, and should have read the receipt before wandering back to the coffee shop.

I really don’t want to stay here long, but I am afraid that if I go to home (however short of a time it will be my home) I will go to sleep. Only I cannot do homework here, because there is no Internet. Yes, I am at one of ‘those’ coffee shops. Where should I do my work? I want to look at the sunlight for a while, the sunlight and the people. I have a wonderful window seat facing the outside.

I wish I had one more week, but I guess it would be full of readings. I know I will be able to work, but I need to pull my schooling mind together. My mind always feels a way (dull/tired). In times of weakness I could let that feeling overrun my ability to work. I was succumbing to this and finding comfort and writing, but no. I will work on my project NOW!

Yesterday's post today! Yay

A million good things to you all. Wow, today is Halloween and I have nothing I am welling to wear. Last year I dressed up as an Anime Kitty cat/Barbie because I found the perfect Barbie shoes at a Value World (Thrift shop) and then my sister told me I looked like an anime character. I have no plans for this Halloween other then to be able to type the word Halloween about three times. I am so tired. I want sleep. Why do I have to get up so early in the morning? Why does even just a little caffeine keep me up late into the night?? My old therapist told me that my medication makes caffeine have even bigger effects on me, but it seems that even if I have caffeine before noon it will still keeps me up at night.

In a daze I wake up early today only to fall back asleep in my chair and wake up late for class. I only just made it to class in time to not have it count as a missed day. I like being able to stay up so late into the night tossing and turning. If I am asleep then I forget about all this time. If I am unable to sleep I can trace words on the ceiling of my room with my finger. I have a loft bed so I can reach out and touch the ceiling. Last night in a particularly bad mood I traced the words, “So this is hell.” A nice thought, right?

It is the next day. Yesterday I was so tired in the end that I went to sleep early. Thinking to myself, “I will just take a nap, some people can just take short naps, why can’t I?” I climbed into bed and feel asleep only to wake up at 10pm when it is that late you might as well brush your teeth and take your medication right away or else you will not be able to fall back to sleep. All this sleep and I am still tired. I give up. My pDoc will not be in town for a while. I have to wait until next Saturday. I do not know why this problem has suddenly gotten worse. I had no caffeine at all yesterday. Today, I had an espresso drink and I forget to ask for decaf. I thought to myself, “I need to ask for decaf, but as my focus shifted to seeing if I had enough change to not break a dollar I forgot. No wanting to ask them to make it over again I drank my caffeinated Teddy Bear, and I am still tired. After drinking my drink I quietly poured my all natural Lemon Italian Soda from Whole Foods. I am sure people saw me and thought I was rude, and cheap, but the ATM machine had been moved, and I had no money to buy another drink. They don’t accept checks. Shh our secret, O.K.?

My am I not talkative today. I am just setting here with my computer in front of me, knowing of course that I could be revising some writing, but not really able to work. I have run into a wall, and haven’t bounced back yet. It is the way that my head feels I think. This tiredness. It ebbs and flows. It is strange. I almost feel as if I should be depressed, but I am not really depressed. I guess I am at times. Something is wrong, and it has been for a long time now. It just feels like it will always be this way, because at times I feel normal, but then my body gets all worn out and my brain tired. I mean tired even if I have been getting good sleep. I am so Emo, right? I guess I have a reason to be Emo though.

Two days ago I was so upset I went to a bowl of chocolate and just pigged out for a while. I knew this is how people become overeaters, seeking comfort in food, but at times that is the only thing that will comfort you. That and walking. These are natural things, they clear the mind. When I was depressed I told my Therapist that the only time I felt better was when I was eating, and that I should just be eating all the time. He didn’t think that it was a good idea. I wonder why? When I went to a new Therapist I was asked to fill out some survey, and I circled that I sometimes ate too much and sometimes too little. They were trying to define me as an overeater or anorexic, but I am really not either. I would be anorexic, but I get hungry.

Depression sure put some meat on my bones, or maybe I was tubby before, because of my unhealthy diet. Now I can grab all my belly fat and think to myself, I wish I could just cut this all off like rich people do. I however wouldn’t even do it if I had the money, because I would consider it a waste of money. Well, maybe I would do it. What would you do?

Oh someone rich just walked in and ordered a large ice cream like drink. I’m not jealous. I personally think that frappachinos need a kiddy size. The small is just way to big! I remember the first time I went to a Starbucks. I hadn’t been to too many coffee shops before then. I didn’t drink coffee. It was in a Barnes and Noble. The shops in there have the Cheesecake Factory slices. That Starbuck outside of bookstores do not have. It was the first time I ever had such fancy Cheesecake. I think the slices used to be bigger. I would share the slice with my sister, and we would each get a frappachino with our Barnes and Noble gift card that had been given to us with the intent of us getting books I am sure.

Back then Barnes and Noble was a mystical place. Godiva chocolates I stared at in wonder for a long time. Later when my brother gave out four piece boxes of truffles I discovered what they tasted like and they did not lose their magic. My sister would flip through books of dog breeds and at that time I wanted a Wolfhound, but now I want a Shiba Inu. Big change I know. A Wolfhound is a mix between a Wolf and a dog. I have since then heard that they can be dangerous.

If I were forced to go back in time, I would look at the Tarot books. I wonder if my sister would tattle on me. I would spend less time eating sweets and get healthier things. I was beautiful back then, not that I am ugly now, but I am tubbier. I would also have a very good writing ability for my age, and I could avoid stress factors that gave me Bipolar disorder. I would get a job at an earlier age, and use the money I made to take more courses at the art center. My parents would be confused as to why I suddenly became such a better drawer, and why I got over my timidness about spending money on art materials. For that matter they would wonder where my timidness went altogether. Why did she start acting like a college student? How is it she knows so much about her classes before she even enters them? The enjoyment of the shock factor alone would be worth the extra years I have to relive. I could do them differently. Then the age old question will be answered. Can a person avoid having Bipolar disorder?

Of course there are other things I would prefer over going back in time, like winning the Mega Millions, which would be amazing because I have never played the Mega Millions, and only plan to using money on it if I win money somewhere else first. You know as a good sign, and to pay for playing the Mega Millions. Money has been greatly on my mind lately. It all started with eBay. No it all started with Amazon, and making my wishlist, my crazy beyond reality wishlist. Now what have I done in my free time? Will when seeing they were giving away $50,000 to spend on eBay to a lucky winner I got what would I spend it on. Then I thought a house. So I looked up a house and ran into an expensive one. I thought to myself, I could find a house outside of eBay and then convince the owner to put the house up on eBay so I could buy it. So I started looking over real estate. Then on a ride back home my brother mentioned Free Lotto online, when I was talking about eBay being my free lottery, so I got to thinking what would I do if I won the 10 million dollars. First I would ask them to spend a million to each of my siblings and one to my parents so as to avoid paying taxes twice, then I would take the three million left over use us to half of it on a house, and use the rest on taxes in the future from that house and some basic living. I would still need a job, maybe, but I would have an awesome house. Here is one that might work with my mother’s wheelchair, and another that says it will work, and a much cheaper one that will hold a lot of people.

Hello again

Fig inside for the winter
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Wow, so much has happened since I last posted. I went to the Bonsai Auction and won some beautiful Bonsai at wonderful prices. Some more seeds come in. A few auctions for seeds ended. Auctions that I won. Things are beginning to get moving. I can feel it. I’ve been cooking a lot, and I’ve eaten out a lot. I missed going to mass with my sister. I missed the trip that the whole senior class went on. I don’t care. I applied for a grant today (now yesterday). That is why my post is so short. I normally would have been getting my fingers moving a lot quicker by now. I am a slow typist. I like to take my time and think things through. I am generally slower at a lot of things then most people. Not that I am stupid. I think my system just is a few beats back from everyone else so time moves differently for me. I need to get my motivation going. I think that getting grants will get me going. I will have something to work for. I will have something to prove again. I don’t care to prove things to the art school anymore. I have done that for three years now.

I have found my footing. I have found something I can do. I am no longer lost fumbling along in this IP project. I am creating. What am I saying? I have no idea what I am doing. I think I need more Mountain Dew to clear my head, Mountain Dew and a lunch. I have 30 min more. Do you think I can make it? I am so very, very… I don’t even know what. My creativity has been flashed out of me. All I want is to go to Espresso Royal and forget about my worries. I could write a couple scripts for narratives and then send them out. Send them out to myself.

I am afraid that my post today is going to have to be very dull. I think I will check craigslist. Check and done. It is the next day now. I am waiting for English class to start. I have written a paper to be critiqued and I hope everyone enjoys reading it. After it is critiqued and I have polished it up I will post it for all to read. Are you excited? You get to read something I actually completed writing. Though it is more of a beginning then an end. I will speak no more of it for now.

I spent a lot of money at Espresso Royale today. I didn’t get to seat down and enjoy my Vanilla Bean Polar Cap though. I just thought of something I need to do. Note to self: Remember to send rough draft to Prof after picking it up and rewriting parts of it. I also plan on working on clay tonight, but that might need to wait until tomorrow. For the first time in a long time I stopped to look at myself typing. My hands move so strangely like they know what they are doing. I was taught to never look at the keyboard only the screen, but I am missing out on so much. I cannot wait to send off the copy of my paper to my Professor. I cannot wait. I am sending my paper out now. There it is sent. Now I will read. No I don’t feel like reading. I should have stick with the potter’s wheel. I got my pants all dirty.

I slept through my alarm this morning for a long time. It just didn’t register in my brain that there was music. I will have to switch to the buzzer tomorrow. I have no choice. My roommate is going to hate me, but I have to wake up.

The Art of Patience

Bonsai
Originally uploaded by RedTea

I am starting my meditation though writing early today. My stomach is empty, and telling me that I should have eaten more last night. My nails are falling apart. They keep on cracking. I had to clip them down to almost nothing. It is a strange world without having long nails. I try to use them to pull about two pieces of paper and they are not there to help. I miss them. I bought a new computer battery yesterday, just thought you would like to know. I cleaned the kitchen as well.

Tonight. Tonight I finally go to the Bonsai auction. I wonder if the IP instructors will understand how much patience it takes to do this art piece. Whether it be Bonsai trees or medication (and even meditation) they grow slowly. I am not skilled enough on a potters wheel to produce what I would dream of. Knowing this I am limiting myself to simple clay pots, and am wondering if I should cross out the clay altogether and make something new. I need to brainstorm what plants can go in other then pots. I know that tastefully clay pots just look better then store bought pots. So I will have to pull my clay skills together and create unless I can think of something else.

I am back. I just completed looking at craigslist for a table I can display my artwork on in the Gallery. I also found a curtain for my studio. Now that I think about it I hope that the curtain has been sold. I can be a bit of an implosive buyer. If I buy it I will have to put it up… that means I will have to spend money on a rod as well.

So far the Dogwood and Juniper seeds have come in. The Dogwood seeds do not need to be wintered (some seeds need a cold period to grow), but the Juniper does. The Juniper is soaking in water right now. Out of the ten seeds how many do you think will grow? My sister recommends I only do ten seed for of each kind of tree I have. I think that this is because over time I will better learn how to germinate trees from seed.

Tomorrow I go to the Sweetland Writing Center for a workshop on the story you have not seen. I already turned in a raw copy to my IP professor and am waiting patiently (again with the patience) for a response. I just finished my Mountain Dew, yah for things that destroy your teeth. Sometimes I fill like I am doing nothing towards my IP, but I am writing, and will continue to write until I have formed a pathway between my fingers and my brain. Or at least that is the idea. I want to write. I want to express. I want this writing to be a major part of my artwork. I want to salvage as much of my idea about the website as possible. I am doing this for your benefit, because despite what my sister says about even sugars impacting my brain, my thoughts are impacted by the medication.

My sister asks why then do I not do artwork on sugars, but everyone has experienced the effects of sugars. I have experienced the effects mind-altering medication firsthand. I was more social while on Geodon and started looking for a boyfriend. On Abilify…Abilify is a wonderful medication that works for many people…On Abilify I became more paranoid and started thinking of killing myself. I do acknowledge that there are other mind-altering things besides medication, like a word very similar to it, meditation.

There are those that recommend meditation as another aid in fighting Bipolar disorder. I examined it in a book on Yoga at the bookstore once...well my sister did. I was drinking a jasmine green tea; I had two sisters with me. One was looking through the book on Yoga and the other Tai Chi. They talked about things they were reading in the books, like the importance remembering how you ran as a child. I was probably flipping through a magazine complaining about how the tea didn’t taste like I wanted it too. (My likes in tea have expanded since then.) I didn’t have the pressures of IP on me at that time. It was a distant mountain the size of a fly. Now it is a whale and it is on top of me.

I have a brother that spends a lot of time coaching Frisbee, working, and doing whatever it is he does. When he is not doing this you can find him at the bookstore reading DC comics. Often when I call him up to ask to do something I end up reading anime.

Lately I have been greatly tempted by the coffee shops in the area. Espresso Royal has a deal where you get 50% off one kind of drink everyday in September. I walk in check to see if it is a Polar Cap (the Frappuccino like drink of that coffee shop) and if it is not I leave. I have this system down perfectly. The barista knows not to bother to walk to the cash resister when I show up unless I stay there.

Did I tell you exactly how incurably happy I am that the Bonsai auction is today. I have asked my sister to return the camera she borrowed and me tempted to bring a video camera, but I think that is a little extreme. Yes I will be missing the support group, but for the art of Bonsai some things must be sacrificed.

Dancing up the silver curtains.
Their shear mass held up by a single black bar.
I swing from the bar, two invisible stings holding up seat.
My hair stands up on my pale arms; clay is plastered on my pants.
I look tonight for the twisted tree.
Sliding like a snake through the air it will unveil its fall colors soon.
On a cold cement deck it will breathe in as I blow on its leaves.
I touch its leaves. I test its soil, still moist.
How long will I keep you?
I saw a Master tree on sell today.
Its owner, sad to part, needed the money.
Tonight I buy a tree.
No, no Master tree for me.

See my hopeless attempt at a poem. I am waiting for an instructor to come around for me to ask a question to and then I can go to the Clay studio. Patience.