Are you able to see I am medicated?

I have my secrets like everyone else, but I realize that there are people out there that can read secrets like road maps. There are those that can read minds, which I find very nosey indeed.

I wonder what my thoughts would read like, would the feel of medication lay heavily on the thoughts like the scent of Old Spice on the body. When a mosquito bites me do they taste the medication, what impact does it have on them. Would my medication be considered a turn off or a rare treat for a vampire? To animals and those with good noses, do I smell medicated. I have read that some of my medications can cause irregular walks, do I walk differently, and can you see it? Does my medication change the wideness and sharpness of my eyes; does it make my face look duller?

Now that I have brought up vampires I will tell you that I used to wear turtlenecks to bed because I was afraid a vampire would bite me in the night.

I was bitten by a vampire, once.

Tale of a monster

Upon the ocean dropped the red scales, ivory claws each the size of an elephants tusks, the wipe-like tail that could be used to create deafening thunder to mark territory, and teeth? No teeth, just a detachable jaw that could be use to shallow whales whole. Fire? No real fire, just the fire of rage. A creature so horrible did not need fire.

Normally it would glide into the oceans wings drawn into a the form of a craved “V,” but today it fell without grace its gills closed up, unable to open, its lungs eaten away by rat poison.

The King of the Air, Land and Ocean, bought down by a trick used on one of the lower creatures.

“We should bring all the ships in the world and fish it out. The poison will pass into the water poisoning the whole ocean. What was that fool thinking?” said George. “I think it’s too late, by the time we get enough ships that monster will be too deep for anything we can build to reach.” said Jen, “We best enjoy our last taste of unconsummated fish while we can.”

Memory all alone in the moonlight

When I was in the mental hospital I thought that I really wasn’t insane, that in reality I had suddenly had a surge in psychic powers, and I was exhibiting others symptoms of mental illness, not mine. When I was released from the hospital I tried to look up a place online that could provide me with the psychic help I needed. The help I needed to show the world that I wasn’t Bipolar.

I experienced many things in the mental hospital, and I remember it. I remember sleeping with my shoes on because…
Because I felt that I was in another realm of being where status was determined by whether or not you had shoes with shoelaces, shoes without, soaks, or bare feet. I was afraid they were going to take my shoes away, along with other fears.

What I am trying to say I had many illusions while in the hospital, and out of it. Oh, who am I kidding. No one wants to hear ramblings on being insane. I’m talking to the air.

Hello, little bunny cloud will anyone other than my family ever read this? No little bunny cloud? This will be piled among other posts of the past and never looked at by the time anyone has discovered that they actually like this site.

Little bunny cloud will you take me to get some ice cream?

I’m tired, but not sleepy tired, but the other kind of tired. I have this worn down feeling inside of me that is more than one lifetime could produce. That is why I have come to believe in other lives. I have an old soul. It does not want to live anymore.

The only reason I am here is for my family, because I cannot let go of my brothers and sisters. If I didn’t have them to consider I would be gone now. Who knows what I would have become. I think that the best possible outcome for someone who gives up on life altogether is nothingness, because somethingness is what they cannot stand.

I am a little dramatic at times. My mother calls me the Moon, and my mind wonders to the Tarot card the Moon, and its illusionary silvery light. I live the illusion sometimes I will just be seating there and pain beyond what can be felt courses through my emotions, I feel like rolling up into a ball, but I just seat there. My mind cries out in pain, my brain feels controlled and medicated almost all the time. I promised myself that I would never forget what feels like to have an unmediated brain. I guess I will have to break some promises.

What did my brain used to feel like? Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

The Blahher

As you might have noticed there are a lot of pictures of cats on my website. Some of the links are interesting and some of them are boring. I think you should check a few of them it will not hurt to get a boring site because you can leave it in a matter of seconds.

I think that it is time for me to start creating pictures of cats on my own, but I do not have a scanner with me so it would take some time before they could be put up on my website.

The school year is slowly creeping up on me and threatening to eat me. I have a nervous energy about the Senior project, but in reality I don’t have much to lose. I tell myself, “You know you tried to kill yourself, school is the least of your troubles. So what if you fail. Who cares? You don’t even want to be alive. What is the difference?”

I wish I could go to Ann Arbor today instead of tomorrow. I don’t feel like exercising right now. I would rather exercise my fingers all day. I think I will take a break from exercising today.

I’m a bit of a loser with: No job, Waves of depression, Waves of no energy, and so on forth. In fact things tend to go in Waves with me. Right now is the Wave of a passion for writing whereas before it was a passion for Tarot cards, and before that walking.

My sister tells me I am a good writer, and she is an English major so she knows what good writing is. I, myself, had a period in my life where I would read anything that was put before me. If I started a book I had to finish it.

I am glad that they are making a movie out of the Golden Compass. It is a wonderful book. I tend to read fantasy, and I tend to write Blah. I am not a Blogger I am a Blahher. I just write with no goal in mind. I think that if I were to ever become a dedicated writer I would have to start with short stories and work my way up to a novel. Believe me when I say that I have a novel’s worth of imaginings.

I don’t know what to say. Saying is such a tedious thing to do. My sister gave me this stone mold of a human face once that is on my wall. Its eyes are closed, but at a distance it looks like they are open. I have an old embarrassingly bad painting on my wall, that I painted in High School. The walls are a baby blue. My father threw an old computer into the room, but otherwise it is how I had left it. There are still the glowing stars on the ceiling that were put up in no order at all.

This is my room. Welcome to it. There are no chairs to seat on so I will have to do the reading on the floor. This will be a short reading. We will focus only on one card.

That card is the Hierophant. It is a time for Tradition. Do not look down upon the things that have been taught to you by your parents, but embrace them to learn what unspoken truth lies underneath. If they are negative beliefs seek outside aid in developing positive Traditions.

Sweet Dreams

It is a wonder that I got up today. My dreams were so sweet I did not want to leave them. That is what I love about my medication. I have vivid dreams, and even when they should be scary somehow they are not. I guess we all get a chance to count our blessing every now and then. Smile.

On another note I am wondering if I should stop doing Tarot readings online. I think that it should be a face-to-face kind of thing between good friends. I was only doing readings online for practice.

I think that at some point I should start putting my own artwork up on my site. Ever since I was diagnosed I have been doing less artwork outside of school. Last summer was so horrible. I was so depressed and lost. I sooner or later found a job, but I could find no enjoyment in it. I could enjoy nothing. Sooner or later I started to be able to read, and go on walks. The walking came first.

I cannot really describe that summer very well. I have memories, but they are not very eventful. It was more like a dull nothing; a feeling of being trapped. Sigh.

I wish you were there with me. I was so alone. I was reaching out for anyone to help me because I know I was falling, but everyone had work to do, and life to live, so I had so much time alone. I needed more people to hang out with.

That is why I walked so much, to pass all the hours of the day. I guess I should have thought of writing. I guess I wrote a little let me see if I can find some. Nope. They are on my back up hard drive. Too bad, I guess you will have to wait.

Reimage - a fantasy in its making

A rose twisted into sight, it went from bud to full flower in seconds, rich velvet colors flowed through the rose. It was carefully cupped in two hands. A man in long teal silk robes that were highly embroidered with the leaves of an olive tree stood by a cart overgrown flowers. A festival filled with plants, fish, metal, and glass.

“Want to learn how to make a daisy, little ones?” the man asked a group of young children. A child came out of the group. She was tall for her age; she had a little stuffed cheetah under her arms. Even though she had ventured forth she was still uneasy. It was clear that she had been goateed into this. The man spread his arms in welcoming as he smoothly stated, “Hello, as a representative of the city of Reimage I will gladly aid you in making a daisy, so that with practice you will be able to make one on your own someday.

A pair of adults walked past within hearing of the children in the back of the crowd one muttered to another. “Its just a trick to see how powerful she is, if she is outstanding she will be forced to go to the capital to live with the upper class.” The other adult nodded, “They’re trying to steal all our power, and bred more powerful children in the process. It’s sick, really.”

The representative spoke loudly to the child so all could hear. “It takes a great amount of control to make a flower. Among the hardest to make is the rose, and the easiest is the Daisy, but do not be fouled into thinking it is easy. Let me guide the power within you so that you can feel what it is like. Who knows maybe someday when I am older you will be guiding me.”
The silk robed man showed the girl how to cup her hands and cupped his by hers so that a big bowl was formed.

The man opened his mouth and said, “Close your eyes now and think of a single string suspended in the air. Take this string and weave it in with others. Breathe in deeply. Think of the colors of a flower. What colors go into a flower? Blue for water, Yellow for Sun, Green for Earth. Remember be gentle do not weave the strings too tight you need to leave space for air to get through so that the flower can breathe. Open your eyes and smile.”

As the child opened her eyes she found a pile of yellow daisies, each one perfect. The man in silk asked the crowd of children, “Would you like to hear about the powers and how they came to be? I realize that you don’t take time to learn history in this part of the world so maybe you would like to hear a little mythology… To be honest I will continue to talk even if I were talking to a wall, because I like our mythology so much. ”

“There was a time before the Blue powered people who swim like mermaids in the sea existed. The only knowledge of them was through stories that were kind of like psychic predictions. A time before the Elves had to tame the anger of the trees. A time before the first human with wings cracked out of its egg. A time before the Red powered people walked through fire, or the Yellow powered people lit dark tunnels to fill them with life.

In this time things ran on a thing called carbon. It was a strange time. The trees were calm instead of attacking those they do not like. They had an entire ecosystem that did not depend on humans to make rain, light, growth, and warmth. This valley we are in right now is only this green because of the run off water from the Winged man nest in the mountains. That is the only reason this farming community can survive without a strong Blue powered population.

Anyway, in mythological times magic was a novelty. I suppose they would call our powers magic. It must have been a boring time, with so little difference between all the people. It wasn’t like one person has fins and the other wings, but that they both have legs. Still despite their similarities there was great terminal. I suppose I have rambled along enough. I am glad that you gave a chance and listened.”

“Hey, Cheetah.” A short brown haired girl stood hands on her hips. “Want to come with us as we break into the top secret area of the powers storehouse to look up how to make some old love potions from gypsies? I’ve got my eyes on an elf in the woods. You know the tall one with twigs in his hair.”

“Carmelite, don’t they all have twigs in their hair, they spend all their time in the forest, who knows when they did their last grooming. It’s a wonder that they don’t stink.” Stated a slender boy with blue eyes.

That is all for now… what do you think?

Idea for Senior Project

Put all of my energy into creating a Mental Illness Club at the University. The club would be about fighting the stigma of Mental Illness and I would get the word out around campus (ie fillers) for those who suffer or have a loved one who suffers from these illnesses. It would be kind of like the vote NO ON 2 Campaign a student did last year only who would be against fighting the stigma? No one I would like to share air with.

So do I have a plan? Its starting to look like something a little more unique than creating a boring old website. It would be about moving people, moving them to their very core. It could be big. I could get a group of people and draw out their talents and mold them into something beyond what one person could do alone.

If no one joins the group, I will do all the work myself.

U of M Depression Center

Every two weeks I visit Ann Arbor, where I go to school (its summertime so I am at home). Anyways, every two weeks I go to a Bipolar Support Group. I will not discuss things talked about in the group as I sign a confidentiality agreement, but if you are depressed, or bipolar you might want to look into the University of Michigan Depression Center.

These are the people fighting the fight. They are doing the research, providing top of the line therapy. I hope you have an insurance that can cover it, because if you do, and you live in the area, or are visiting check it out.

I personally have Blue Care Network, which has recently brought out mCare so I am crossing my fingers and hoping.

The therapy at the Depression Center is supposed to be very hands on, where you really work with the therapist in your treatment. It is a nice building, and the people there are nice and seem happy.

Deep thoughts

Later today I am going to see the Harry Potter movie with my father.

I have been wondering lately if I am spoiled. If, after all these years it took leaving home and coming back to spoil me. I think the main difference between me being spoiled or not is that I would take a job if it were offered to me.

I shouldn’t worry; the school year is coming up soon at which point I will not be given the liberty of being the slightest bit rotten.

So, I guess I should enjoy it while I can. Being able to sleep as much as my medication makes me. Eating my parents’ food for free. Free Internet, even if it is turned off at midnight. Sigh.

I still am upset that I can sleep as much as I tend to do, but today I woke up after only nine hours of sleep so I am happy! Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy. Dance. Furby, Dance.

All and all things are looking up, but I still have those horrible moments where I am really, really sad. They are stronger then they used to be. They used to be this bad feeling that I could not place, but now I can tell it is depression. I feel so like the world is full of pain, that life is pain, and I start thinking of killing myself. Sigh.

I do not want any more medication changes. I feel that the ones that I am on are good, but honestly I have my moments. I don’t know what to do. If I told my family they would just be afraid, so I tell my therapist.

My therapist knows everything about this, I think, and we have a contract that I will call the emergency services before I try to kill myself.

I really feel horrible about what my family would go through if I died. I hear everything that they are doing now, like my brother getting an interview, and I wonder if they would have been too full of grief to function.

What great pain they would face I do not know. All I know is that I wasn’t meant to kill myself with the aspirin. I was meant to live through what I have faced since than, or I wouldn’t have lived it. If I wasn’t meant to I could have just crawled up into a ball and died, at any time, at any moment. Sigh.

Talk to you later.

Advice for people with Bipolar disorder from a person with Bipolar disorder

The important three things to look into in order to recover are Therapy (Individual, family, or group. I would look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for dealing with depression), Medication (This can take time, but it is essential.), and Education (like learning the indicators of a manic episode (like racing thoughts) and ways to break the cycle of depression (back to Cognitive Therapy look into The Feeling Good Handbook.))

Sometimes I wonder how miserable I would have been if it were not around. It has given me a choice that in the past people didn’t have. The choice to actively fight there disorder and overcome it.

In the past before medication it was too overpowering for an individual to overcome. Now there is help on all sides, as long as you can find a way around the system with money or agility to get the medications you need.

Today with how many medications are out there, and better ones be researched, it is only a matter of time until you feel so normal you think you don’t even need the medication anymore. When this wonderful day comes for you do not be fooled; it is your medication that is making you feel normal again.

Another important factor is (if you use them) giving up those other little drugs that interfere with your medication: weed, alcohol, and possibly (not sure on this one) smoking. I hate to lecture or anything like that, but the main thing that might be preventing your wellbeing is self-medicating.

If you can find balance in your life by taking care of yourself physically you will discover that exercise is a natural and healthy way to elevate you mood without sending you overboard.

If you are feeling a little hypomania than take a break from exercises like running, and tone it down to calm walking or yoga. Learn to meditate, and calm yourself. It is a lot easier then it seems at first once you discover your own personal niche.

Look up additional steps you can take to balance your life. Have you heard of fish oil? Ask your pDoc (psychiatrist) about it? Also look into how much you should take, because each little tablet adds a little bit of cholesterol to your system. You might want to cut down on cholesterol elsewhere to make up for this.

That is my advice; I hope I didn’t annoy you too much.

K.O.

Once I got back from my trip I was so tired that I went into sleep mode and did not get out of it for a long time. It is moments like these that remind me of my limitations. I must have been running on adrenaline during the trip because as soon I got home I was so very, very sleepy. Stupid medication. How dare you make me so sleepy! I slept for almost a full day.

I don’t know what to do. I keep on thinking that I am getting better, and then something like this comes along and I don’t have a clue why. Will I ever have normal sleeping patterns again?

At least my dreams are interesting.

What can I tell you? The flight went well, and I came home safe. It is a sad, sad thing that I couldn’t continue to function as wonderfully as I had on the trip. I did one Tarot reading and than crawled up into bed. Sigh.

I cannot stand it. I do not know how to handle this. How will I go to school, and sleep so much? Will I run on adrenaline all week and sleep on the weekends. How am I ever going to be able to handle a job?

What if it isn’t the medication? What if I suddenly developed a sleeping disorder? Should I get this looked at? I have one month to get better. One month! OMG. I think I should crawl up and just go to sleep. I cannot face this problem. I’m getting sleepy just typing this.

Florida-Harry Potter

I went to the Everglades today (A while ago now). My Mother has a pass so we can get in for free. So we felt free to go there and only walk half a mile. I wasn’t attacked by anything, and saw a few birds. I did, however, see two alligators. Yesterday, (A while ago now) I went to see Hemingway’s house afterwards I was inspired to try to write a book. Something I have tried before.

I’ve told myself many summers I would write a book this time around. I said that this year I am going to do something productive with my time, I will be healthy, I will teach myself how to play the piano, etc. I always ended up in front of the television in the end.

I do not watch television much anymore. I find it boring. This is a sad, sad thing. Because I have to find other ways to entertain myself, but I cannot, so in the end I just sleeping.

I made a point to start writing a book on the very night that the last Harry Potter book came out. It was my way of celebrating. It was also for good luck. I am in no shape to write a novel at the moment. I think I would start with short stories, and work on up, but I still took the first step toward novel-dom.

I stopped to asked myself do I really want to write another fantasy book? What good will come of it. What will be learned. Will it be just another good wins over evil books? We have all read or seen that. So what would the point of it be?

I am thinking of going to Florida next summer. There are so many jobs everywhere. I wouldn’t have to create make up jobs like selling stuff on eBay. The whole trip expanded my view of the world. It was like saying, yeah you could stick by your family in Ann Arbor, or you could move somewhere with better jobs, and better weather. Will you forsake Michigan, like so many have done before you? Or will you remain loyal to your home.