False Alarm

The sharp noon light
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I slept so well last night that I am sure my hearing of a song was a false alarm. Some neighbor, or a car driving by must have been playing loud music. I display none of the signs of being manic. If anything I would say I am baseline. Yawn. One thing is for sure. Geodon makes me yawn. I do not feel overly tried just sleepy. Eight hours of deep smooth sleep and I am still cloudy eyed.

Yesterday, my Mother told me that my eyes were glazed over. She stopped into town to take me grocery shopping, and out to eat. The first thing we did was go to Mass where everything went as usual. During the last two years of my life, prier to becoming Bipolar I had hardly gone to mass, as I figured that it wasn’t something God would look down on. When I was manic however I regretted this. Having been taught that it was important to good to mass everyday, my manic self was afraid I had sinned.

This was an important thing because I thought that I was died, and needed to know if I was slated to go to heaven, hell or purgatory. I was afraid I was in hell when I was locked in a small room all alone.

I will tell you more about that later.

I have been so afraid of every little of sound at night being from inside my head that I am wearing myself out. I wasn’t afraid of this before Thanksgiving. It is only at night that I have this problem.

I don’t know if I can trust this Geodon yet. I feel very happy now that I am on it. Happy, peaceful, and at the same time tired and medicated. I guess things are really the same as usual, its just now I do not have deadlines to distract me. I will have a hard time with life when I am out of college, without the entertainment of consent assignments and deadlines I suffer all encompassing boredom. I am sure that I will get stuck in some boring office job filing away papers.

What in the world would I do without consent education.

Geodon after two days

Two fish meet
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So far I can live with Geodon. At first I had this extremely peaceful feeling where I felt safe and open for attack at the same time. I felt as if I didn’t care I had an insane hiccup, but that I was so impaired by this calm that one could happen at anytime.

I read through the list of all the things that Geodon might do to me: everything from loss of hair, to eyes bleeding, to death. I have to admit that not too long ago I was begging God to just kill me, so death is the side effect I am least afraid of. Just as long as it is painless, or even if it hurts I don’t care.

Do not worry about me through. I could never kill myself, and I try not to think about wanting to die too much or else I think I would be a step closer to being able to. You see I am leaving my death in Gods hands, which is why I was begging to him. I realize that if I were to kill myself it would be much more painful to my family than if I just died. I also don’t want to try and fail, and only hurt myself in the process.

I just want to stop and tell you that I just heard a voice singing, “I love you” and something I couldn’t quite make out. It wasn’t too scary, but the light in my room is on right now so everything is different than it would be in the dark. I don’t know why these little hiccups have suddenly started to happen. It started before I was on new medication, and I don’t have racing thoughts so I am a little confused.

Anyway, I have this fear that I have tried to kill myself, and I have broken my neck. I want to die, but I can do nothing about it. I am in so much more pain because of my broken neck.

Do you think that the singing I heard was just someone in another apartment playing music? Is this worry about me being out of my mind just in my head? Before I was manic I knew something was wrong, but is there any guarantee that I would know?

I have stopped to ponder that voice. It sounded like an opera singer, and it repeated the same verse over and over “I love you.” Plus something I could not make out.

Is it possible that Geodon is going to make me hallucinate again? It wasn’t listed as one of the side effects. I will give it some more time, and if I continue to be confused I will force myself to tell my doctor.

I was doing so well, until that one night when so many factors added up together made it the perfect time to have a hiccup.

During that hiccup, I wanted to go off my medication because the government was forcing me to take that medication the same way like it forces so many others. In reality there are many people who scream for help in the night trying to claw their way out of this reality. I put my hands against the wall and I push. My hand does not break the wall or make it bind, and it doesn’t pass through. Stand up on you bed, and push the corners of your room where the three sides meet. That is your little box and you cannot break it.

I think I heard that once when I was insane, someone screaming and trying to claw their way out of a room.

The Medication Adventures: Episode Geodon (As writen two days ago)

I want that hat
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

Oh how I look forward to another boyfriend called Geodon. I will be two-timing him with the ever so sexy Lamictal.

So far I have gone out with Lithium whom I thought was too emotionless about two months into the relationship, I had only been Bipolar for two months I told my therapist that if I continued to go out with this deadbeat I might as well be dead. That is when I was introduced to Lamictal who after a long courting period I have grown to love.

I went out with Abilify for a while, but he just didn't do it for me. I used to cheat on Lamictal with Risperdal, but he had some real issues that I couldn't deal with.

I am going out with Geodon for the first time tonight. I have heard that he can make you a little sick at first.

Is Geodon the right backup boyfriend for me?

Dear Sir or Madam,

bird
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I would like to thank you for reading this post. I have no idea how you came across this blog, but I invite you to seat down and share a cup of Red Tea.

What can I say. First off I need to explain that I will add a lot of posts when I first start a blog to keep it from looking too empty.

I feel really bad right now. It is finals week, and I am not as busy as everyone else. It just turns out that this semester all the major work was due last week, or a week from now. So that leaves me with this week. I have one more assignment due, and I will get a review on what I have done tomorrow, so couldn’t possibly think of anything to do without getting more feedback. So that leaves me to watch all the other college students suffer without any sleep for the last three days.

I have to explain something. As a person who happens to be Bipolar it is essential for me to get a good amount of sleep every night. If I do not enter the world unbound by reality in sleep it creeps into by wakeful day. This is something I dislike very much.

Welcome All. What is this Blog about you might ask.

Give me one
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

Just recently I have become Bipolar so this blog starts out about this.

Yet first lets stop enjoy the flowers. I have tried to start blogs in the past. At first I will post everyday, with pictures and spirit. It was my sister who told me the secret to getting people to view you blog is a lot of posts and pictures.

My first blog was during my freshman year of college. It like this one was a simple Blogger layout. It was about being weirdly funny. I am not so sure I got the funny part down, but I certainly managed the weird. I appear to be too old to joke around like I used to.

I am now 21. Being Bipolar has transformed my world. I have this dull feeling in my brain that I used to blame on medication, but after having had my medication decreased to the point where I was bordering on insanity I realized that this feeling I had in my brain was because I was Bipolar.

I am Bipolar type I. (This post was made before I was re-diagnosed) I like to refer to that as insane without drugs. I don’t have to take drugs to see things that are not there. I can reach a natural high unlike anything you could dream, unless you happened to have taken some major drugs. So take that D.A.R.E. (an old school program to keep kids of drugs) without drugs I’d in so much pain.

I had a dream not to long ago where the worse thing anyone could do to me was to take me off the drugs take everyday. I am afraid of insanity, so much so that no matter how insane I become (thinking that the government is drugging be to keep me down) I will not go off my medication. I cling to it like a crutch. I am afraid that I will hear things in the night that are not there. I am sometimes afraid if what I hear really isn’t real. Is that the person in the apartment above me singing or is it just in my mind.

I remember the fear I faced when insane so well. Nothing that I saw was that twisted, but I saw things that I know now to be what others would call hallucinations.

I however will never be convinced that it just wasn’t the government setting me up to believe I am insane, or that it was real.

So what do I do? I continue everyday.