Before the 4th

This green tea is so weak now that I am used to Matcha. Sigh. I wonder if I will be doing anything for the 4th. I know I will get on AIM! I guess my sis is working hard… or on lunch.

I haven’t had my time of month for a long time now. I feel like it is never coming again, but that cannot be so… or at least my hormones would be really messed up if it didn’t come back. I didn’t think to mark the last time I had it, but around the time of my last Doc appointment (the 12 of June... that cannot be right as that was less then a month ago.) a) I was thinking that it had been an extra long time since my last period… I thought it was due to the decrease in Zoloft, but I am not so sure anymore.

All I know is that it is a sign that I am very unhealthy at the moment, but like always I deal with things with patience. I am patiently getting more and more unhealthy. :) Anyway, I like how I feel right now. Thanx caffeine in the morning. Thanx Fish oil in the morning. Thankx. I feel not tired, and my brain does not feel dull, but almost normal.

I… so much has changed. I wonder if my eyes spackle yet. My Dad said my eyes look duller then they used to. The other day we were talking about a poem where this dude has this extreme religious experience (if it were real it would have been called a hallucination) and this dude says that this sailor had seen so much hard stuff sailing that he didn’t believe that his eyes could glisten. Picturing my religious experience while I was in the mental hospital I asked, “Do my eyes glisten?” I wanted an answer, but everyone just laughed.

I wonder why my Doc. hasn’t called me yet. On last Fri I had my liver scanned, and I was told that I would get an answer in two days. Now it has been almost a week. Do you think there is something, and they are getting a second opinion, or maybe something so bad they want to wait until after the holiday to tell me! Nah, I am sure it was so unimportant that my Doc. just forgot to call, or is too busy to bother just yet.

I would call but my phone went from three bars to out of all power in a matter of seconds. Three bars is full energy. So my conversation with my Mom was cut short. Still before my battery died I learned that she has not heard from the Doc.

It doesn’t matter what the Doc. says, I know that my body has been saying, bo who, for a long time now, and the Doc’s don’t see it at all. They think it is just medication, and even then the changes are very slight. ‘Your liver is bad so we will decrease this, and how about this.’ I cannot believe that my legs and feet are fine, but whatever.

As for how much I sleep: my Doc says it is the medication, while my pDoc says she is more glad to hear that I am sleeping more then average, and not less. I wonder if my sleeping problem has nothing to do with my medication, but my Doc tells me that one of my medications is used to help elderly patients sleep in the nursing home. Poor elderly people, I would not wish such extreme medication on anyone.

La la la -- a Year of Happiness

The fan spins as two cats two cats stare at me. Yes I am at home, home. Where my cats stare at me to let them inside once they are bored of being outside for so long.

I could talk about my mind again, but what is the point? Instead I will talk about lucky dogs. I hear barking outside… I saw many sad dogs on T.V. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the happy dogs I know.

Have you ever meet someone who radiated goodness? I was in a study today, and the person giving me the exam was my age, book bag and all. Well a little bit older. I liked him right away, which is probably a good thing… why did I write ‘good thing’ when I thought ‘bad thing?’

No he was really nice and I think he liked a little me too, but maybe I am wrong and he just liked that I was in a study. Maybe he understood the illness and respected me for continuing in college, etc. Yet it makes no difference now. I will never see him again. I can picture it right now, me saying umm, can I have your number and him explaining about professionalism… sigh. He even carried around a book bag, like me.

It makes me want to try finding someone again, but without the insane drive Geodon gave me. Geodon made me NEED to have a boyfriend. Anyway I have to get back to reading.

Between evaluations we talked about things like degrees and jobs and liking science, but not math (much). I told him about what my science teacher told me, “You are too smart to be an artist. You should be a veterinarian.” I was surprised that he didn’t find this statement funny. Instead he said, “Well maybe you should be. You want to work with animals don’t you?” It took a while for him to catch on and say, “Well the arts are good too.” Yet something told me that he didn’t quite respect the arts like he would a veterinarian.

Despite almost failing my own evaluation, he was still a good person.

Another few days has passed. I feel good today. Yes, very good. I just realized it. Good thing I wasted my money on Starbucks from a vending machine today.

I finished Frankenstein for a class today. Near the end I actually started to cry. Poor monster, if only your creator had taught you morals. I think it was a revolutionary book for its day. It illustrates the ‘Nature vs Nurture’ theory. The creator takes one look at the monster thinks he is wrenched (and so does everyone else). Yet, was the monster really a monster or was it society that made him such (This is a question in class?)

I know my opinion on the subject, but would others see things my way back when the story was written in 1818?

It is easy to look at Frankenstein as Fiction, but does not our society have its monsters who only became wretches because society? The other week I hear someone on the radio who was outraged because the Supreme Court decided against the death penalty for a very, very evil horrible crime. Yet it is not the sort of crime that can be stopped if the criminal thinks he will die because of it. It is the sickest kind of crime, and no one does it thinking they will get caught. Well... some might even hope they do get caught and killed.

I only kill mosquitoes… maybe I should became a vegetarian again to make the… no I should only eat meat rarely, because it would only come from happy animals and therefore rightfully cost more. O.K. as of July 3, 2008 I will only eat meat that 1) I have already brought before that date or 2) Came from well cared for animals.