More for today!

I’m chatting a little while I’m talking to you know so if I seem even more like I have A.D.D. forgive me. In reality when I was younger I had a focus that very strong. That is how I did well in school. Science most of all just captivated me. I was amazed by the ‘possible lies’ that were thought to me. After all, people used to believe that you could tell if a person would be a criminal by the shape of their head and facial features. Isn’t it comforting thinking that you can explain things with formulas? Once you experience something impossible this foundation cracks.

So I turned away from Science and faced another world to that of Tarot, but at the same time my religion frowned upon this. So the war that used to be between Science and Religion (some think this war still exists) was taken up by me in the form of Magic vs Religion. Religion was makes it seem Magic is possible, but it would be more correct to look at it as miracles not Magic. Magic is something humans can call upon and control while in Religion we can only ask for aid.

I wonder if my ancestors ever visit me? My ancestors include a Nun and Monsignor or two. They would be happy to see me, as a Catholic too wouldn’t they? Would they understand that old need I used to have to connect something supernatural, or when I was in love to know if I was loved back? To ask, “Am I going to fail this course (which I would pass with an A or B in the end)?”

Somehow I stopped caring. I don’t need to know the future I’ll just follow the wave that is life. Who needs to connect the supernatural, I’ll have forever to do that, and I only will be alive now. Unless we are reborn on Earth in which case I still have a lot of time so why rush.

Somehow for a while I lost my nervousness and I didn’t know how to drive myself without nerves. Yet today I do feel like using Tarot cards… not to see the future, but to touch the other side.

I was always… I could quite say envious, but awed and looking up to those Saints that where about to see God. I wanted God, Jesus, Mary, Angels or other holy things to become visible to me. If I could see this I would know that I would be guided by God and I could go out and help the world. I could take the risk of not going to college, and living a life of what I had been taught in Religious class, but the holy never became visible to me.

So I went to art school. I wanted to get into the University so much and I felt that art was the only way that I could get in. My plan was to transfer to LSA if it didn’t work out, but I just settled. I didn’t go on the journey of ‘what do I want to become.’ I just stayed with what others said I was good at, and now I’m done with art school, and I feel that I am not a good enough artist to continue in the field. My Professors tell me I am good at writing. So I write.

My sister R. disagrees with me, but writing is something that flows in my genes. My siblings T., A., and R. are all praised as wonderful writers, and somewhere along the way I was praised. I am told I have a unique voice… that is certainly true, but that doesn’t make me good… yet. I would need to work on it a little more.

Seeds

Seeds
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Suddenly it dawned on me that even if my seeds do not grow I could do artwork with the seeds. I refuse to hurt the seeds or lose them in my work, but imagine if I filmed a maple seed dancing down. I can vaguely picture something in my head. A film talking about a medication, showing maple seeds falling with clay pots positioned around it on a small wood table, each pot would hold a seed hopefully grown into a seedling, but trees are hard to grow so there is no guarantee of that. Apart from these wonderful seedlings would be the starter trees all wired up and tied up, this is how nature must be bent in order for these medications to work. Maybe just maybe I will have one completed Bonsai tree to represent me; a creature with nature modified by medications.

In a way I am the result of some scientists work because without my medication my life, if I didn’t kill myself, I would be misery.

Things are not turning out well. Something is wrong. I crawl up and except defeat instead of fighting. A mountain is on top of me. Shame surfaces as I find myself unable to face the storm. What can I do? A part of me thinks I should pull out while I still can… take a year working and come back. Come back and be ready. Would I ever come back?

Last year I had fight in me. I had something to prove. This year I just… just am falling apart. It isn’t school that is doing it to me. I wish I could go to school without having to worry about the money, but if I don’t make it this semester that is a lot of money lost. School is a job, without it I am lost. I couldn’t have continued the life I was living over the summer. I could never have faced life with so little propose. So here I am. Meditating. In short I am following the path that makes the most sense to me.

What do I do when I do not fight? Do I spend my time watching television or surfing on the computer? No. I simply take this horrible feeling inside of me and latterly crawl up in a ball inside my lazy boy chair. I let my mind wonder almost in meditation until I drift into sleep. I wake up still tired. I guess I can say I was sick as sick as I have ever been. I have never let everything push me down the way I did yesterday.

If you are wondering how much I am able to sleep then I can honestly answer you two days straight. Tiredness is overcoming me even when I sleep. I am waiting patiently for my body to adapt to the medication. Waiting for it to not be tired anymore. My brain… my brain still feels funny. Do I love my medication or do I hate it? All I no is that I have no choice, but to take it, and that makes me mad. My shoulders are stiff from all that sleep and now seating in a chair.

My sister called my day yesterday a Wellness Day, or a Sanity Day. I don’t know what exactly was pressuring me, but I feel much better now.

I am wondering if it is a good idea to let people from the school excess this post, but there are a lot of posts that revel a bit more about my weakness then I ever intended.

How did I come to start this Online Journal (Blog)? Honestly? I wanted to get an audience and brainwash them. I was going to use my psychic energy to sell Tarot card readings on eBay and use this website to attract buyers. I would take them along with me on my journey to discover the metaphysical world. I would read books and discover so much. If you read the achieves of this Online Journal you will discover shifts in the theme.

My First Deck

The heat finally got to me. I was like one of those frogs that wouldn’t hop of the constantly heating up plates, because they could not feel the heat increase because it was always the same. What I mean is I was beginning to exhibit the signs of being overheated without feeling hot. So I went into the nice comfortable indoors, took off my shoes, put a blanket over my legs to keep them from the heat of my laptop, put my feet up, and continued where I was before. The thing is I have no idea where I was before. I am going to have to start researching stuff to Blog about.

Oh! I know, I could tell you about my first deck of Tarot cards. Hmm… the Internet connection isn’t as good right here. I will just be patient. Hmm… what to talk about while you are waiting…Now, this is a nice deck that was designed make Tarot cards more friendly to the 21st century. The deck is the most connected to my past, because before I ever did a serious reading it sat in my room for years soaking up my childhood – high school energies. You cannot buy a connection like that.

There I have found all the information online that I need to make a post.

P.S. The Oracle tarot lacks any court cards. A few cards have had their names changed, Death is called Change, the Hierophant is called Tradition, and the Devil is called Bondage.

Sunday's post completed today

I am worried about my future. I am only on my parents insurance until I am 25, and after that I will be forced to maintain a steady job with insurance, or suffer the consequences. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and the way thing are looking right now… I am already a burden.

I want a job, I would look for one online right now, but my parents have turned the Internet off.

I am afraid that taking all the aspirin hurt my organs because sometimes, not always, they get a very little sore. I don’t know if it is the consequences of my action or my medication. Who knows, who cares. I’m fine. I’m healthy enough to walk, run, sleep, etc.

I have a purring cat on my shoulder trying to overpower the computer. Yes, the wonderful thing about laptops is you can put a pillow under you head, and balance your computer on your tummy and legs. I do this because I do not have a chair in my room, and the chair in the main room is usually taken.

So I have a cat very slowly falling asleep on my shoulder.

I’ve been having dreams about Sasuke from Naruto. I never had this many dreams about any character in Inuyasha, and I used to think that no matter how much I wanted to have dreams about something I read or watched it would never happen, because it never did. I have had great control over my dreams lately, but I do not understand why I keep on fighting with Sasuke at my side. Naruto is sometimes there as well.

The thing is I haven’t watched this anime in a long time. I suppose that this dream is telling me that deep down inside I want to finish watching this series, but it so much fighting.

What would you do if you kept on having dreams where you are fighting beside an anime character? What would it mean?

In reality I don’t really care. I enjoy the dreams. I get to jump high, almost flying, and have super fighting powers that of course no one can match. I made it to Episode 168 (on youtube) before I gave up on the series that is not bad. I wonder how close I was until the end.

My brother gave me the Oracle of the Radiant Sun, a set of 82 cards that are totally different from Tarot cards. I used them to get more insight after an important Tarot reading. I am nearing the end of my time as an online Tarot reader. A short phase of my life is coming to an end. I do not know if I will pick up online readings again, but that is something I will leave the cards to decide.

Memory all alone in the moonlight

When I was in the mental hospital I thought that I really wasn’t insane, that in reality I had suddenly had a surge in psychic powers, and I was exhibiting others symptoms of mental illness, not mine. When I was released from the hospital I tried to look up a place online that could provide me with the psychic help I needed. The help I needed to show the world that I wasn’t Bipolar.

I experienced many things in the mental hospital, and I remember it. I remember sleeping with my shoes on because…
Because I felt that I was in another realm of being where status was determined by whether or not you had shoes with shoelaces, shoes without, soaks, or bare feet. I was afraid they were going to take my shoes away, along with other fears.

What I am trying to say I had many illusions while in the hospital, and out of it. Oh, who am I kidding. No one wants to hear ramblings on being insane. I’m talking to the air.

Hello, little bunny cloud will anyone other than my family ever read this? No little bunny cloud? This will be piled among other posts of the past and never looked at by the time anyone has discovered that they actually like this site.

Little bunny cloud will you take me to get some ice cream?

I’m tired, but not sleepy tired, but the other kind of tired. I have this worn down feeling inside of me that is more than one lifetime could produce. That is why I have come to believe in other lives. I have an old soul. It does not want to live anymore.

The only reason I am here is for my family, because I cannot let go of my brothers and sisters. If I didn’t have them to consider I would be gone now. Who knows what I would have become. I think that the best possible outcome for someone who gives up on life altogether is nothingness, because somethingness is what they cannot stand.

I am a little dramatic at times. My mother calls me the Moon, and my mind wonders to the Tarot card the Moon, and its illusionary silvery light. I live the illusion sometimes I will just be seating there and pain beyond what can be felt courses through my emotions, I feel like rolling up into a ball, but I just seat there. My mind cries out in pain, my brain feels controlled and medicated almost all the time. I promised myself that I would never forget what feels like to have an unmediated brain. I guess I will have to break some promises.

What did my brain used to feel like? Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Sweet Dreams

It is a wonder that I got up today. My dreams were so sweet I did not want to leave them. That is what I love about my medication. I have vivid dreams, and even when they should be scary somehow they are not. I guess we all get a chance to count our blessing every now and then. Smile.

On another note I am wondering if I should stop doing Tarot readings online. I think that it should be a face-to-face kind of thing between good friends. I was only doing readings online for practice.

I think that at some point I should start putting my own artwork up on my site. Ever since I was diagnosed I have been doing less artwork outside of school. Last summer was so horrible. I was so depressed and lost. I sooner or later found a job, but I could find no enjoyment in it. I could enjoy nothing. Sooner or later I started to be able to read, and go on walks. The walking came first.

I cannot really describe that summer very well. I have memories, but they are not very eventful. It was more like a dull nothing; a feeling of being trapped. Sigh.

I wish you were there with me. I was so alone. I was reaching out for anyone to help me because I know I was falling, but everyone had work to do, and life to live, so I had so much time alone. I needed more people to hang out with.

That is why I walked so much, to pass all the hours of the day. I guess I should have thought of writing. I guess I wrote a little let me see if I can find some. Nope. They are on my back up hard drive. Too bad, I guess you will have to wait.

Creative Webbing

Today, while walking through Walmart in Florida City, in Florida, I found a pair of shorts. Are you still reading this? You are easily entertained. Other than that after talking with my sister about needing to come up with a twist to the already existing web media, which is what she recommended I do, I came up with the idea of doing interactive creative adventures.

First, I would need an audience, so to build an audience I would do things like Blog, because this interactive creative adventure is going to take place over the web. My sister warned me about using the word Blog, so I will call it Creative Webbing because it isn’t about writing you innermost secrets, but it is about catching flies.

It is like saying, hey come here! Help me do with; share your time with me. Why…? Why would I want to create an interactive adventure? I want to show the world just how creative, strong, and independent thinking a person with a mental disability can be. I would not be doing it just for show though. I will put muscles behind my Webcasting. I use a variety of writing techniques.

It is true that I am in Art school and am not an English major like two of my siblings, so will I add illustrates as I feel they are needed, and if I feel they are proper I will draw makeshift comic books.

This is how it will work. I will start out with a story, short and simple, and ask people comment. I will read the comments and be inspired by them. I will do this until the very last part during which I will pull one Tarot card, and base the ending around it.

The question is, how does a person comments?

When there are on Comments I will use Tarot cards for my inspiration. Hopefully I will not have to do this for long.

Roar

Today a red dragon ate its own tail due depression. Dragons are too well armored to kill themselves by sword, or fall, and their blood burns away any poison.

Dragons are miserable creatures that one by one try to eat themselves until all that is left are rings of fire. Fire that burns into the earth and emits molten rock until a mound is formed, and that mound is called a volcano.

When the dragon catches a cold it coughs and whizzes and heats up. The earth quacks at its movement, and the rock cracks in the heat. The stone softens and oozes. And boy does it ever get hot. It is a sad thing when a dragon catches a cold.

I just have to start writing somewhere so a start with something random and continue on from there.

I just finished a Tarot reading. I cannot decide whether I should be selling readings., Does the selling part devalue my cards? This is something I want to share with my friends and I just started selling on EBay for practice. SIGH…perhaps my cards like me selling readings. It is what people have been doing for hundreds of years.

Longer post

What do you think of my name, “Namir the Wondercat.” It came to me in a flash. I originally picked the name, Namir, for an online game called, The Realm.

Where I flocked around like a winged porcupine, and I once came across some generous people (in like the Six of Coins) who gave me a cool hat. Not long afterwards someone asked to go hunting with me, and I said yes, lets. As soon as the battle began he/she turned on me and killed me. In death I lost my hat.

A while afterwards I used the same name for Final Fantasy Online, which is a wonderful game that costs a lot of money.

When I first went to college I mostly stopped gaming. The first summer after my first year, I bought the Sims 2 for Macs thinking that it would be the only game I ever would buy for my computer. I was right, except for two expansion packs.

You see I live a wonderful, challenging, and artistic life during the school year (I am an art student after all.), but over the summer I suffer, because I can never find a job that fits me as well as college does. One thing is for sure, if I find a job that fits me I will glow like one of those stars people put on ceilings. My life would be wonderful. I would wake up happy, and sleep the normal amount of time. Hmmm…do I smell tuna fish? I’m thirsty I will come back later…

Ok, my sister would not let me have the last of the lemonade, and I love lemonade. Oh, by the way I live with my sister, she who shall be named, but you will not know it. I have three brothers and three sisters. I am the youngest. If I had succeeded in killing myself then I would have put a torn into the feet of many Lions/Lionesses. They are Lions/Lionesses because they are Strong (ie the Strength card). You will here very little about my family, I think…I will let you know I changed the title because they thought the last one was too offensive. They felt that I was cashing in (if you want to give me cash to know the title go ahead) on my mental illness.

One way or another the rain will shine. Like little droplets of love. In the perfectly warm air. That swirls with the compassion of lovers past.

Breath in deeply. Out slowly. When in this Blog think of a place like the one I use for my eBay postings:

Imagine the small of Lilacs. A black silk clothe with a light lilac purple along two of the sides. The cloth hangs gently over a craved wood table. The walls are a light yellow and the sun comes in tall French windows that a person could step out of onto a deck. On the wall behind the desk rest a great number of books, a Crystal Ball, Runes, and stack upon stacks of Tarot desks. In front of you is a person with so many piles of jewelry around their neck you wander how it is they can ever hold it up.

Topamaz - weight - medication - hope - etc

Topamax is an expensive weight control pill. It works like a wonder. My hunger just disappears, whereas before it was the big beautiful butterfly of doom. I even turned down my long time goal. My goal was to either have the OREO Pie at Big Boy, or the HERSHEY’S Pie at Burger King. I was at Big Boy, and I literally said no. NO. What in the world was I thinking?

Now my goal is to lose enough weight that I can just eat the pie without feeling guilty. Not that I would have felt guilty before this summer, I feasted on Ben and Jerry’s and Spaghetti before now. So why do I have this sudden goal to get rid of my belly.

My mother says I am not chubby just pleasantly plump, and for a long time I have thought if I lost some weight I could be attractive. Oh…I am so tired. Maybe if I just lay down for a bit…sigh…give me a moment please.

Yes, I feel so much better now. The only problem is that I lost my train of thought. (Choo Choo) Anyway, so I have been doing Tarot Card readings as you might have noted in the EBAY posting. If you want to see what a reading with me is like go ahead and bid. I use the Celtic Cross, and give you the choice of two decks.

I have yet to decide which of the two decks is my favorite one is more traditional and harsh, and the other is unconventional and lighthearted.

I had a dream once that a new medication was coming out for mental illnesses that was the best on the market. It beat all the other drugs on the market including Lithium. I wonder how long it will take for this drug to be made. How vast is my foresight?

Card for July 12 2007, The Seven of Coins

Today I will not joke around like I did with the last card of the day, or at least I will keep it to a minimum. This one really applies to me, for a while my medication had me sleeping 15 whole hours every day, luckily this was after school was out, but as school neared its end I felt myself slapping back into a depression, which is never fun. So I was put on Zoloft, which I joked around about saying that it was hard to be depressed on Zoloft. Zoloft just postponed the time it took until I took 150 aspirin.

This card is about slow and steady progress, and I think that is how I have been taking life, like that movie, “What about Bob” and baby steps.

I however have moments a pure sadness where I think that if I was by a bridge I would call the crisis hotline tell them I was jumping and then jump…this is just a theory. I am by no bridges at the moment.

I hate to have my family worrying about me, and soon after this thought comes rolling in another one, the temptation to go off my antipsychotic, and I think that it is either my life or that medication that has to go.

My sister thinks that I will stay on my antipsychotic because I am an intelligent person, but I have my moments where I am ready to throw everything I have worked for away, just so I can see what it is like. I guess they call say I have Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder with Psychosis for a reason.

I do not want anyone looking at me and pointing to me as evidence that either mentally ill people or people who use Tarot cards are, quote on quote, crazy. Every single case is different whether it is mental illness or psychic energy.

The pain of rejection

Please do not stop reading this Blog when you see this, but I was, am, and ever will be a Catholic. My father literally thinks that I am talking to Demons through my Tarot Cards. To this day there are a number of writing by the Catholic Church against Tarot Cards and other religions have the same view. I was wondering if I could be a Catholic and something more.

I grew up in a Catholic School, and received scholarships from people who would probably want me to live a Christian life, and a part of me wants to make them happy. They put their faith in me, and I should return the favor by doing something grand.

That is why I was thinking about doing a big project on fighting the stigma of menial illness for my Senior Project, but am I hurting both the stigma of menial illness and Psychics through this Blog?

I cannot help who I am. At this point in time this is who I am. I am a woman just re-diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar who tried to kill herself a month after school ended this summer. My brother says it was from lack of attention, but I know it was from wanting to die. I felt I would never make it in the world, it wasn’t because of bad grades I passed everything with A’s and B’s, it was because I was so quiet. A stupid reason really, but I was on a weaker medication at the time so I wasn’t thinking right.

So I was in the Hospital, and then Mental Hospital until all the jobs were taken, and then it was to late in the summer to find a job. So I started saleing things on my Mother account on eBay.

Then suddenly I started reading up on Tarot, I had known I was psychic for a long time. So I started doing a little research, and will continue to do research.

I wonder how many people will look at the title of this Blog and just leave…

Card for the July 11, 2007

Here the Waiter is carrying such a heavy load of Ten Whole Breadsticks that he trips. It is because the day is so busy with customers jumping out from the plants, and woodworks. He has been working over time for over a long time and he has forgotten what it is like to get a good rest, and if he keeps on pushing himself he will have to pay the piper, you know that bus boy who always goes out for a pipe of tobacco, but everyone know he is secretly a doctor and not just any doctor, it is from his mind that millions of male enhancement drugs emerged.

Anyway, remember not to work yourself to hard, take time to be healthy, happy, and a hell of a kisser.

The Crystal Tarot - My Second Deck

This is the most beautiful deck of Tarot cards that I have ever seen. Just look at it here.

The sad thing is the Minor Arcana, other than the Court Cards, are just the objects with very little illustration except some hard to understand symbolism, like fish, and crabs.

They have on Amazon, but as I am posting this they are having a new order coming in because they only have two left!

Even with its setbacks it is my favorite deck.
Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful.

Am I the Fool?

I have a big Senor project coming up, and I have a distant idea of what I would like to do. I am about to set out on a journey, but am I set up to fail?

I am proud that I made it through the last school year, but things have not been looking up for me since than. I have been unable to find a job so I have been selling things with my mom on eBay, and using my untrained Psychic energy to channel energy through my deck of Tarot cards so I can do readings, but things are still looking blue.

The last semester my school year was horrible, I was on new medications most of the time so I found myself just wanting to sleep, I am still sleep more than I should, because I can be so very tired. I believe I am getting better, but than I will have another day that makes me feel as if everything was still wrong.

On a brighter note my dreams are wonderful, thanks to my medications!