Memorys - of the internet so long ago

I love egg
With episodes here

Cat I'm a kitty cat
and I meow meow meow

Got to go!

Whatever this one is called

I am still a day behind

I signed up for a Yoga class on Sunday. I know that things are so to speak: ‘Narrowing down’ in the Senior Project, but this is a part of the Project. To write a Blog life must be lived. I spent so much of this semester (and last) feeling a great sense of loss for what could have been. Yet I am glued to this keyboard because this is how I have learned to fight the sleepiness and at times it is how I get through a disabling feeling in my brain.

What did I do today? I went to get my blood taken after a 14 hour fast. Then I found my way to Borders and therefore Seattle’s Best where I ordered a teapot. So here I am. I wanted to work here when I was first depressed. Here or the public library. I vaguely wished there was a job for someone in the condition I was in. I did not know what I could handle.

Now what condition am I in? For a long time in my life I felt that I used to be stronger when I was younger. When I was young I thought that I was less spoiled before our family had air conditioning. Now I might be spoiled (as depending on others while wasting money on tea and food makes me feel), but I am less clueless.

The sunlight’s angle on my face and the reflection off the screen had me tired for a second, but seating up and removing another layer (what a beautiful warm day) appears to be helping. One of my medications makes monitoring the body’s temperature harder. I should have gone with Peppermint tea because my senesces feel stuffed. Break time!!!

Okay, nose blown I am back. Sadly I have finished my tea. (I don’t think you get the same amount at this Borders. I guess it is good not to overdo. I have these sunglasses that change with the light level, and I heard someone whisper, “She would be very good looking if she lost some weight.” They have no idea how good looking I can be.

A bookstore is a beautiful place, just like a library is, only shiner. I just looked at the rack of magazines and had a vision of the video game “The Sims 2.” On a day like this with the gentle warmth of stranger’s conversations and the sun shining in who would want to play a video game. That is unless, of course, you get to play the video game in the bookstore.

I wonder what a high-class video game center would look like. I’m not talking about arcade. Arcades are dark, I mean clean and bright and with another kind of game. You stop by you pay for whatever then you pick from a number of games which you can play in comfort. There would also be a meeting room where the gaming community could talk with the comforts of coffee and tea.

I have been thinking about vitamins lately (lastly being when I was on the bus today and made a note to write about it). I was thinking about that limit in which a vitamin stops being good for you and starts being bad for you. It seems that people are loading up on the Fish Oil, but at what point is it just wasting fish?

I think that I have taken that subject far enough. I think I remembered how to put my hair up with two sticks (in this case pens), score. I should start carrying around my extra chopsticks.

Lets see… I’m counting how much I’ve spent today. Hmmm. I’m keeping track of how expensive my lifestyle is. I b back.

The main thing that makes my lifestyle cheaper is my lack of car. I do not know how long I will be able to stay away from the cost of buying a car, but I am hoping that there will be some innovations between now and then.

I get to go to Yoga! I get to go to Yoga! I get to be healthy! Soon I will be able to walk on the treadmill again (only I will stay on another machine that is easier on the feet). When the winter is over (I know it is a little early) my body looks at the sunlight and remembers all those long walks. It remembers swimming at the beach, and eating three leaf clovers. It remembers my brother teaching me how to play basketball (long forgotten), jumping into the fountain at the arb (this is now forbidden), and my sister showing me how much she loves to run (I was out of shape).

Sunlight! Easter candy! 12 days. I have 12 days to fix things. If I can make it in these 12 days then I’m done with the Art School. What is four years in a life unless it can enrich the rest of the life? I wrote this once in my application for college.

Great there is a dude staring at me again. At least this one isn’t a pervert. Actually I think he thinks I am my sister. My sister used to work here. Yes, that is why I thought I could get a job here. My sister is a good employee. A++

I am having a much harder time writing today then I have for the last two days. I needed to de-tox and I did. Now my mind is drifting to spring like thoughts: “Go read a book.” “Call everyone! EVERYONE!” “Clean your room. It is a mess. Do you think your Bonsai likes growing in a mess?” I answer all of them, “What are you thinking? Do you realize how little time I have until college is over? Do you realize how much I have to do?”

I just spotted a cute baby. In blue so I guess it is a boy. My Mother says that she would like a job (or to volunteer) as someone who rocks newborn babies in the hospital.

When (if) I lose weight do you think my skin will shrink with me or will I have excess skin?

I did try calling a lot of people. I wish wireless were free here so I could get on AIM, but I doubt my brother will be on. What will I do? It is too late to go to that Thrift shop across the street. I guess I can finish my tea, and get food. Do you think I can show my face in that Noodles and Company? It is the one that interviewed me, but did not hire me? Did I give a bad interview? I looked good. As far as Thrift store professional clothes and a new purse can get you.

It was an awesome purse. My sister has given me a Couch purse (that I haven’t used yet) since then. Right now I am wearing a slim black purse that could work as formal. It just barely fits all my needs.

I think I will walk to the next shopping area, the one with a Panera with free wireless.

Well hello.
Mmmm, pickle taste good.
I will call my brother
wait…*closes eyes
(the pressure of college hit)
there better.
I will call my brother
at 8
when he gets off of work

sigh no answer. I am getting tired of this pattern of college. I don’t have it in me to get all worked up and… I just cannot do it. The moderators in the support group keep on asking if we mourn our old self. The self before all the medication and problems, and I wonder. I wonder what I could have done in these two years. I guess you have heard this before.

Another day - umm yay?

My mother showed up before I had the chance to look around. It was harder then ever to walk up to the bus today. I now have a very distinctive slow limping like walk. If I were male I would look Ghetto, or at least a wanta-be. I am not, and I am not dress to the role, so I just look like a limping fool. As for the walk up to the bus, I had to stop half way through to rest my legs. Sigh. It didn’t work. My legs would not calm down. So I tried smaller steps and walking using different muscles (i.e. walking sideways.) I did however only manage to look like a… I don’t know what I looked like to the people passing by.

So it has been settled. My legs are in no condition to workout by traditional means so it is time for yoga. I so do not want to be here right now. Why did I have to seat by someone with food. Sigh.

Ok, ok. I passed a dude in my Intro to the Prophet course. He had his head down and didn’t bother to look up when I waved and said, “Hello.” Sigh. Racism is so strong on this campus, Racism against the mentally ill.

If I continue to have this level of energy (not perfect, but not bad) I will have to start applying for jobs. Yet something tells me (with all my walking problems) that a medication change is on its way. I have to be honest and limping along calf muscles tight feet strangely in much less pain today is not a side effect to look over. Overall though, I will try to enjoy this weekend, and see if I can put off any medication changes until after the school year is over.

This Green tea is too weak. After having Matcha I might have to bump up to a stronger kind of tea. Green tea has one of the lights flavors of all the real teas. Yes, it is a Thursday. I don’t know when I will post this, but I can risk having a little tea, because I have no school tomorrow!

I am actively fighting the negativity in my brain. That cookie looks good. When I am down I will not let the bad feeling take me to a place where I want to close my eyes, but I will stop and sip my tea. I’m tired of this no tea after noon. I understand coffee, but tea has a different kind of caffeine, and Asians drink it all the time. They have been for a long time and it makes them healthy.

I have to admit Green tea (unlike Matcha) doesn’t have the same punch as Peppermint tea, and for some reason my hair keeps on making my neck so uncomfortable…oh no! My nail broke. It is not supposed to break right there. Blood. I just cut them too.

Ok. I have my hair up with two pens. My hair is a little short so it will not stay if I walk around, but my neck has relief. As for my nail… it doesn’t hurt. How long do you think my hair will stay up? I used to be really good at putting it up with even one pencil, but I had longer hair then.

That was way back then when I worked at the library. If I were to go back in time with the knowledge I have now. I would have read more. Children’s books are so much fun. Not as overweighed as adult books. Not that I have read many adult books. I have been in college i.e. I have put life on hold. What do I plan on doing once I have a life? Other then the obvious First off is the problem with my legs and feet. Yoga should be a good starting point for that. Monday. Monday I see my pDoc. Oh my goodness. 13 more days! I’m goodness!

It is wonderful that I came out of it (the sleepiness) in time to add a more positive twist to at least the most recent of my blog and that in the end I was able to put forth at least some of the effort that I had wanted to. So for this moment, this second, this minute you see me without the depression, without the delusions, without a desire to kill myself, and having had a moment like this, even if I do have to switch medications, while having my disorder will make it easier to keep hope. Because I am here, under all the ‘personality’ changes the medications give me, and I am just as strong as I was when I faced college my freshmen year.

Yes, tea goes a long way with me. It calms me like Geodon did, a happy calm, without the extreme sleep problems. It raises my energy just enough, and it makes my whole body feel good. Without my restriction on caffeine I would drink it very often. The only thing that makes tea better is honey. I used to say milk, and I still use that trick with things I have to be polite and drink, but do not like. I do not like fruity tea.

Tea and Yoga. I do sound like the hippie. (?Don't know what I am thinking?)

Do you have a voice that will suddenly pop into you head, and say negative things? I do not hear it with my ears, but it is like someone jumped into me, and said, “Shut up.” This one I do not answer kindly (in my head). When it says thinks like, “I hate you.” or “Whore.” I answer, “Well, isn’t that nice.” It used to bug me, but now I do not care. It was there in the past, but it didn’t say negative things it said things like, “Dalmatian.”

So as to the people out there, who care to judge me based on paper passing, or how long I look at people all I can say is, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

Today is a wonderful day with so much light. I don’t know why, but I am increasingly drawn to sweets. Yet, it was hard to complete all of that. What I need is someone to hang out with me so I can split my stuff with them you know someone to share my teapot of tea with.

It would be nice to have a tea maker. Even better would be a tea/Matcha maker. Because after having tea for a while you want something more extreme. I am too poor. I spend all my money at coffee houses and restaurants. I could never own my own shop because I would drink everything. I wonder if they are looking for employees at the tea place in town yet, the new tea place where I found Matcha. Beautiful place. Wonderful Matcha.

As you might have guess I did not go to Biggby to prove to the pervert that I am in fact Schizoaffective Bipolar. I didn’t feel like taking my medication early, and he won. He wanted to get me out of the seat, (he looked pissed when I took it) and I just don’t like that kind of atmosphere. So I will wait to next week.

Stupid fool. I am a fool, but I am a different kind of fool. Either way I can spot one, and a stupid fool is someone who makes the atmosphere of a place uncomfortable so the owner loses money. Who knows how many women he had chased away from the place. Who knows how many I will chase away by talking about it. So I will tell you as follows. The employee’s at Biggby are intelligent and nice. There is free wireless, and other then the occasional ‘stupid fool’ light shines through its windows, and the space in small and intimate. The music is not distracting, so it is easier to study without headphones, but enough non-students come in so that it is not just a student location.

The fool. The first card in the Tarot deck. I have often been the fool. It is good. It is healthy to be the fool. The first time I ever tired any fortune telling it was when I had the letter from the college I go to. Did I get in? I needed to know before I opened the letter, and I pulled out three cards. Afterwards I opened the letter and surprise I was accepted.

At the time I just wanted to get into the University with my horrible (good enough to get in) ACT scores. I was quite upset about the ACT and figured that the best school I could get into was the art school. I just wanted to go so badly that I figured it was my one way to get in. I didn’t really consider myself a good artist; even if my art teacher told me I was better then some students who were through college. I knew from looking at fan art online that my skills were easily passed. (This last cup of tea tastes bitter. Somehow it much have been getting to the leaves. Time for honey.)

I’ve done it. I completed the last game…game why did I type that,,,? the last class for the day. We have one class off for the day. What am I thinking? Why am I seating in a off coffee shop? The sun is up the library is open!

The library trip was uneventful. Somehow I ended up at Primo coffee, because I have such great focus. My energy is dropping. At 8:30 I am done with all food for the day. I will have to wait until 12:30 tomorrow for a blood test. I didn’t eat much today, just a few sweet things and a pepperoni pocket. My head of hair is annoying my neck lately and I tried to chew off that part of my nail that broke so it would stop getting stuck in things.

I wish I would run into someone I know. I’ve done the calling around and Lost appears to have won over people’s minds. I was going to put in my application to the library and printed it all out, and then I realized that I was dressed like an art student. #$%! I’m going to have to tell my pDoc about my nails breaking and my teeth becoming sensitive to the cold.

I would like to imagine that I would stay like this or better, that I am done with the battle for medications, but all the signs are pointing to me being unhealthy. I will take calcium supplements and then I will concur these problems. I will quickly change the water in the shower from hot to cold for the circulation benefits it is said to give. I will do this over and over again mouth silently gasping as the icy water (it feels that way) pours over me. It is not nearly as hard to go from cold to hot. I will watch my sisters Yoga video and take from it what poses I can do. How much does a yoga class cost in this part of Michigan?

Wedns day is to day on Thurs day (Wedns

The sun is out and I breathe in the cool refreshing air. As I stop to think this I inhale deeply and cigarette smoke fills my mouth. I pinpoint the enemy walking quite a distance away. It was only chance that I happened to be in the very spot that could rune my moment of joy. I’m waiting for the bus. I will have to do my readings for tomorrow, tomorrow. It is a 1:00 pm class after all.

What is so important that I am waiting until tomorrow? I am going to a place with no wireless. I am going to a place to get something. I did not have plans to go out and get this today, but as soon as class was out… as something told me, “Go. Today is the day you have been waiting for. Today is the day you will have a slice of Godiva Double Chocolate Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. I know it is suppose to be a reward and I was looking for the right occasion to have it, but today seemed festive enough.

I see my pDoc on Monday. I believe that in the end. After my PCD (Primary Care Doctor) sees my sugar and cholesterol levels. There will be a boxing match between my pDoc and PCD. Games on!

No really, how can my cholesterol be good? I just had a cheesecake and my foot is in no condition to exercise so I cannot burn the cholesterol it gave me off. Hopefully my sugar will overall be better though, because I did give up fruit juices (which was a big thing for me). 100% Fruit or not the sugar in them is not good for people with high blood sugar. I have however done little for cholesterol, other then get oatmeal (but I ran out of it) and recently I tried to burn off the cholesterol because I was feeling much less sleepy the other day, and wanted to use that trick where exercising regularly actually give a person more energy. My feet however do not like me.

Do you think I can talk my Mom into getting me expensive shoes? Because I’ve already tried foot inserts. Perhaps my feet are not made right. Perhaps they formed wrong in the womb. The mean Doctor didn’t say anything about pigeon feet when he showed me the liquid pads. He didn’t say anything was wrong. Yet here I am, legs walking more slowly then ever. Perhaps a new pair of shoes will have me miraculously walking the same speed as the average person!

So… I would look up good shoes, but I am at a place with no wireless. I refuse Nike…I think. Nike is evil. Mc-Donald’s is evil. Coca-cola is evil. Of all these Mc-Donald’s tastes the best. What should come first murals or quality walking? I have on a pair of $20 shoes right now, but I had the same problem with my last pair that cost more and had an insert.

Walking shoes! I just checked out the price for wireless here. Sigh. It isn’t really that high. Two hours $4, but lets just see I already spent money on a cheesecake… slice. Those are not cheap. I wonder why we value cheesecake so highly. While I was eating it I was trying to memorize the taste so I could compare. It reminds me of what Hershey’s Mud pie (or whatever it is at Burger King) used to taste like to me when I was younger. I wonder why one now seems nothing like it used to be.

I want to do so many comparisons, because I haven’t tried so many things in such a long time. Is Sara Lee as good? I know Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food is the same…right? My sister didn’t like it when I dipped the fruit in the Hummus. It wasn’t that good of an idea, and it did taste good either. Stop it. You are leaving stuff behind in the Hummus. You already said that it didn’t taste good,” said my sister.

“I haven’t tried all the fruit.”

Cheesecake. As I walked towards the Barnes and Nobles I thought to myself, “This time I am going to try the Bunit. To see if it compares with the cheesecake.” I walked in and looked at the cafe. “That guy who is always here when I try to buy cheesecake is gone. These people will not know I’ve already had a cheesecake last month…or later…I cannot pass up this opportunity.”

So I spent as much as a good lunch would have cost (or a really good breakfast) on one slice. Yet the money isn’t going to be the real cost to me.

Oh, belly, belly.
You have been growing
since the potatoes
first became to grow.

from you I came
with nothing in my hands
and nothing in my belly.
nothing but potatoes in my brain.

when you dig into the mud
push your hand into the ground
and up came a man
you turned to the wind and said,
“I will take his rib and use it to give you form.”
“And I will take you, and make you fill his lungs.
You will remind him of his weaknesses.”
“What of me?” said the light.
“You will be a smile. You will never abandon him.
Always finding a creak to shine through.”
Water cried out, “Please take me. Make me.”
“You will be held in the eyes. To grace the face
when sorrow comes near.”

And so this way all things came to man through woman.
The legs of a deer who wanted to dance with him.
The hair of a lion who wanted to be touched by him.
A voice as gentle as a whale,
as strong as an eagle,
as beautiful as an orchid,
all who wanted to sing him to sleep.

And there she stood, woman.
And she took man to the water
and washed away all the mud.
She took him in her arms,
and that was love.

Cheesy! That man walking by looked so lost. Is that the look people have when they are in bookstores? Wait … I had to take off my coat because I was getting yawny. Head goes down. I looked onto my desktop at The Sims 2 Seasons CD icon. Yawn… sorry I will get back to writing in a bit.

I must tell myself that it is a good day and I of course have energy. Enya, that is who is playing that is why there are the whole Irish theme the beginning of that poem. Will Northern Ireland ever be a happy place? As I’ve heard Ireland is beautiful.

“Why did they leave then?” someone … can’t remember who said… oh yes my brother.

“They were forced to leave. If they had the money they would never have left.”


Breathe in. I should be doing yoga or something, but I would just fall asleep. I wonder what would happen if I got out a book that has different exercises in it and started to work out in the middle of Barnes and Noble. Ok. Standing mountain position; Downward dog; burn off Godiva Double Cheesecake without hurting your foot again position. Ok hold it for 11 hours and you will be fine.

Yes. It is true that certain more laid back (but still intense) exercises, like Yoga, will probably be healthier for your joints and fluid sacs (in foot). It was weird looking at the illustration of the foot with the round fluid sacs. It was like those chokia (or however you spell it) points in Naruto were in medical books. The Dr. wasn’t testing a fluid sac but a chokia outlet. He knew immediately what was wrong, and thought to himself, “This is beyond anyone’s skill to heal. Plus, I do not have the time to deal with this sort of problem. The best thing to do is to let the chokia try to heal itself.” If only I could jump into the cartoon world. I am sure I have some…unique powers.

I was looking at my student ID card and I noticed that it makes me look like I have a bindi. I have no idea how this happened, but I think it looked like this on my old one as well. So how did I end up with a bindi? Some computer hacker thought it would be funny? Lets randomly insert bindi’s onto pictures.

Man, I wish I could get on the Internet. I wish a lot of things. It almost feels like I’ve been here in this moment before… okay. That one passed rather quickly. That what? The attack of lightheaded sleepiness of course. It is in moments where I am in this state that I might think it is a good idea to lay down if I am at my apartment. “The sofa. The sofa looks comfortable. I’ll just sleep here for a big.” There is no such thing as a nap with me. When I go out, I am out. Please, please, please. No more lightheaded sleepiness. I do not like that feeling. Ever. If it were gone I would not miss it. No it is not making me stronger. A film roll of dreams is running through my head right now. Don’t go into the menacing ice cave with the monster headed this way. Yes, go up the elevator to another level. Go ahead buy some raw beef.

I had a dream once. I died… not that surprising. And I was on a ghost train with my sisters. We stopped at a little store on the way. Walking in I found the casher ripping off some children. I stood up for the children, and the casher gave in. Going out of the store I was told that the train would just keep on going around and around stopping at this store, and I will have no choice but to pay the outrageous prices until I ran out of money.

Hopefully my Mother is here soon because I am running dry on topics. It somehow feels as if it should be cold and dark outside about now, but turning around I am greeted by windows full of light.

Bye!

Homeless Scientology

Wow. Look at the time. When I was first in college I had 8:30 am classes every mon-thusday. The first two years were basically this model. Plus, in school (High School and before) we had to be to class by 7… or was it 8? Either way, for a long time a healthy schedule was built into my system. I don’t know where I am going with this. Only I woke up a little later then planned yesterday, and had to rush.

I am so going to fail the competition again because getting up today my only consultation was that I would be able to sleep in tomorrow thus losing the competition. Don’t worry I offer you consolation as well, sooner or later I will have a job that forces me to get up at the same time everyday.

Man. I should have included exercise as part of my Senior Project. This is what one of the paths I could have taken would have taken me. Breath in Breath out… as soon as I get this feet/leg problem solved. (I wonder what it is like to have good strong legs and feet that do not complain when you walk at a (slower) pace then you used to.

Wow…I just was distracted and forgot what I was saying, “wow,” to, but why not. Wow. Do you know that the percentage of Transsexual and Transgender people that commit suicide is up there with Bipolar disorder?

Just wanted the world (if the world actually visited my blog) to know what kind of unneeded suffering they are causing. My suffering is not the fault of the world. In fact the world is trying to help me, because I am lucky (have a middle class family and not a poor one).

And I know that there are people out there who are sick enough to feel that it is Gods well and it is a good thing that Transsexuals/Transgenders are dieing. I would have some choice words for you, but I will not say them for others to read (anger is not the answer).

So I pray for you to see the true light. You have been following the reflection of the moon on oily water. If you were to look around you would look past the moon, as obvious of a guide as the human soul and follow a firefly into the oily water before the fly lights it on fire. It is a ‘fire’fly after all. (A little more violent then I intended to go, but when someone hits you just let it flow.)

Tomorrow I get to show that evil man that I am indeed Schizoaffective Bipolar. You might notice that I am using the word Schizoaffective more now. This is because I looked up how to spell it. Looked at it, and realized it is not so hard after all.

I remember a night long ago where we (field trip/High School) were supposed to sleep in the homeless shelter. Awesome I know. The women in the group got the extra special position of sleeping in a home for abused women seeking help (Safe House). At the homeless shelter I ate the food and provided entertainment (we preformed a story from a Dr. Seuss book.)

Afterwards we walked around town and entered into a… ummm… office/recruiting place for the Church of Scientology. On the desk of the recruiter was a bowl filled with candy. Really it was a humongous bowl of candy, and I said to myself, “If she offers me some candy it is a good generous religion. I will use this as a sign. Otherwise the candy is just for show.” I was staring right at the candy bowl unwilling to take candy without being offered. We watched a short video on Scientology and were told about the unconscientious mind. We left the office talking about hypnotism. “When a person is hypnotized they cannot be forced to do something that they wouldn’t do in real life. Someone cannot say they were hypnotized to murder and get away with it.”

At the Safe House I played around with a kid there showing her how to throw popcorn up and into her mouth. “Looks like you learned something from your brothers.” said the teacher. Somehow I was much better with children when I was still babysitting. I was fun to be around, and caring. Now I am a little awkward and certainly not fun. It is almost as if I forgot whatever it was that connected me to children, and animals. You might not be aware that a person can lose these things, but if you have them keep them polished.

I am not going to tell you where I am from, but I will tell you that the headquarters to the Church of Scientology is there, or was there (don’t know if they have moved.) I vaguely remember wanting to pretend I was a Scientologist just to find out more. I was something other then what I am now, or am I? It is kind of sad. All the things I didn’t do, it would have been a dangerous operation.

Now? What great adventures do I go on now? Will I haven’t had the honor of sleeping in a house for battered women again. I was handed a number of art projects. In one I wanted to see leader of a local mosque. When I went there I found out he had been deported years ago, without any reason given to the community. There had been a secret trial, and the city (not just Muslims) was outraged. The mosque however was forbidden to speak about it, and I was asked if I was in the Secret Service. That was a first and only.

See what you get for reading all the way to the bottom (mother). A special Thank you.

Ok, okay.

I was wrong and my sister was right, or the Doctor was wrong. He pushed some buttons on my foot and then showed me a picture of a fluid sac. I told him over and over again, but my legs hurt when I am trying to keep up with normal people.

I think he didn’t get that point, and may have thought I was talking about the present and not all the time. New shoes he tells me, with heel insoles, I’ve tried whole foot insoles. I don’t think he understood. Do you think I made it clear that I was talking about all the time and not when some sac in my foot is swelling?

Fine! I will take my vitamins; I will pretend that the only thing that is wrong with me is a foot insole. There I’m healthy and angry now. All I was told was to take medications like aspirin or ibuprofen like candy with every meal because they act like a bag of cold peas. Nothing about why my feet fell asleep when all I am doing is walking at a faster pace (not much faster). As for vitamins and minerals:

“Any time a single nutrient is supplemented at excessive amounts, one is really dealing with a much more powerful drug-like effect. And although this has a greater potential to help a medical situation, it equally has the potential of making a particular medical condition worse, or even create new ones if inappropriately used.” –Acu-cell

Well, that is what they say anyway (They being Acu-cell). I’m at…Biggby. Yes, many would say this was my favorite coffee shop. You know, if I were miraculously allowed to drink good milk (ie 2%) mixed with sugar (syrups) and I had a place with a big kitchen I would use what would have been wine racks for syrup bottles (I would also have an espresso machine even if I was forbidden to have any caffeine today.). I would have gourmet grape juice as well.

Sigh.

I’m trying to keep myself up (not tired and happy). ‘People watching’ maybe that will work. That person over there appears to be ‘people watching’ as well. I feel like going to the mall to people watch. I should have gotten a grande… so thirsty.

After the initial evaluation (I went to go see consoling today.) the evaluator told me that I should go see someone the same place as my pDoc. Glad I didn’t mess up and say escalator right? I was tempted. Anything it was concluded that I had Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder. Wow! What an eventful day. The evaluator did however ask, “You are very medicated. You talk without inflection. I wonder if I have any trouble reading.”

“Yes.”

“Have you done illegal drugs…?” Long list of “No.”

“Do you drink caffeine?”

“Yes, but only after noon.” (No, I am kidding. I said, “but my Dr. says I can not have it after noon.”)

“You must stop having coffee, if you have coffee it must be decaf.”

I didn’t dare to ask him about tea. No coffee ever? I’ve lost my train of thought and I am leaving it there.

Back to the present, I am sipping tea… fake tea (herbal tea), because tea has caffeine in it and I don’t think it would be good to have a whole teapot after noon. Yes, at Seattle’s Best they offer whole teapots, but they have a very limited tea selection. What I was at Biggby and walked across the street to Borders.

I have a challenge. I have two hours to finish one teapot. Cheers. Do you want to take my teacup challenge? Espresso might be shots, but tea is cultured. It is like waxing your car. Excuse me for a second.

Wow, I’ve finished 15 min of drinking tea. I fill stuffed, what a good meal. I will make a dent into the level of water in this teapot. I wish I had someone to share with. Tea wonderful tea. You know what? They should have a music sign somewhere on the keyboard. One extra key wouldn’t have been that hard to squeeze in. Just take out the ‘a.’ No one ever uses the ‘a.’ See I almost wrote a sentence without it. It would be hard to put out that one does not use the ‘a’ without using an ‘a.’

Wow, look at that blended coffee drink. Anyone want to gain 5 pounds? Sadly it looks like this dude has the metabolism I used to have, before I gained weight. Stupid, stupid me. All I needed to do was take a step back. Say no it is not good to have pasta all the time, or to live off Ben and Jerry’s and potatoes. It might be true that your ancestors did but Ben and Jerry have changed.

In some ways, in some ways. Give me a second. Good tea. Give it some time to settle in my stomach.

I don’t know what, but this peppermint tea is making me feel better. I was sure a bad thing was on its way, but this tea is saying, “No all you need is Refreshment. All you need to do is to seat down and to write,” “Yes, yes, that I can do! I might have trouble finding a plug, but I will try.”

And the clouds roll in (the flat kind you see in cartoons) and we sing (my teapot and me) “Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Hiding behind the trees. We are asking you to please come out and play with us. Mr. (why is the sun male?) sun, sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Won’t you please shine down on. Please shine down one me.” –Raffi

And the sunlight hits the rim of the teacup. The top of the teapot, and creates a reflection on a clear plastic panel. So very Mediterranean the building it reflects. At least the buildings tiles, or I guess it is better to say a mix between Roman arches and Art Deco. Turning around and looking at it, the building doesn’t know where it fits in. So lets just say, Art deco, as if that explains everything.

I better slow down with this teapot. I’m almost done and my time here isn’t almost done. I guess I could ask for more water…perhaps you can better understand just how much liquid I can consume, and I don’t even need to go to the bathroom.

I can consume a lot of everything now. My sister says that I have an appetite for life. Party. Party. Party. Tonight I go to a humor show. Ha ha ha. practice with me. I’ve been practicing all semester. Open you mouth and say, “Ha ha ha.” Ahhh. 23 mins of battery power and the tables my plugs are taken. I might have to finish this tea faster then I thought.

It is only a matter of time now. When the computer goes out, I will gulp down all the tea. Oh, I Love Egg. I wonder what they are doing now. Do you think that they made it?

My brain is drifting to a lightheaded feeling again. I used to call it dullness. La la la la. You would think lightheaded would be happy, instead of so disabling. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What is so stupid about it? I don’t know. Its just that I don’t like it, but I have to face it. Makes me feel stupid for having a brain that is so messed up. For all this.

Ok. I had to make a run for it. My battery was complaining so I got food and walked to the place I am… that sounds like Naomi and Nate. They do not appear to be coming this way. And walked to the place I am supposed to go for class tonight. It is a special night. My class is going to a humor show. It is not in a club like we would have liked, but it is free.

There is not wireless right here. This is a campus building! What are they thinking? Didn’t they know that students want to come up here for secret studies? Well, I don’t know what their diabolical plans are (they do not want students hanging around this area), but there are those like me who can temporarily go off the Internet so they failed. Look they even covered up their piano. I can think of another better (not really…maybe worse) part of campus where there are two uncovered pianos.

Waiting, watching, wishing

I am waiting. I feel like I am not ill enough, but mine will last for years. It’s just another blow to my health. I have little to say here. It is hard to talk in this place. I hope I don’t catch anything. The dude I sat by had pink eye. If I come here and end up with a fatal sickness it is all my own fault.

How am I supposed to exercise? At least I made it to class. I need to exercise. I need to burn away all this cholesterol. I’m so young. The picture on the website showed a grandpa. The first time I really worked out (other then gym class) my legs hurt until they went numb. So lets see… I was much skinner. I wonder what my veins look like after all these years.

I’ve been so sick for so long. It is because of all this time sleeping and such and such. I so bored. I have already worried about this and I have set up an appointment, yet now I have to wait and I am finally hungry. It is not like I can stop by Wendy’s. I am not very good at having high blood sugar. No breakfast, no time to stop for lunch. Maybe I am waiting to have my blood work done. :) Watch, I had a drink… now of those juices that is basically fruit. Really it isn’t juice it is pureed fruit. I think it is good sugar. I wish I could stop by Wendy’s. Stomach hungry. Health, not good.

I wonder if I was born with it, bad veins or something. Maybe it is too little water. Ahhh! I WHAT GREEN TEA! Yet, no it has too much caffeine.

I so much do not like a certain class. I don’t care if the Professor likes my paper ideas. I do not like having to write 15 pages. I think I have sat in the waiting room long enough. Wait, I have to stay here. It says I need to be here 15 mins before the appointment. I wish airborne worked. In a way it did. It is called the Placebo effect.

Wonderful isn’t it. It will not work anymore. I didn’t like the taste of it anyway. It was never as popular around my area was it was in some places (which will not be mentioned).

I yesterday I got all my stuff together. Thinking, “I’m either going to the hospital or school tomorrow. I might be in the hospital for a while so put on a nice bra. Leave my computer it could be stolen.” Yet, if I did have a heart attack it is not like they would have grabbed my stuff. Still, it might have been convenient (for others) to have all my medications in one bag.

I don’t get my sister and saying not to worry. Saying I should enjoy the Spring, and think of those…now 16 day until I need my project into the Sculpture Studio.

Wow. My health is really something indeed. All those times when it felt like something was getting stuck in my vein (in my leg) and the blood was skipping through. Really, really wonderful.

That night when my foot felt horrible I tossed and turned trying to find an angle that it didn’t hurt, but nothing worked. I slid the blanket between my little toe (that cannot move on it’s own) and the one right by it. It seemed that this was where the pain was most.

While exercising that time I talk about. I felt that not enough oxygen was in my blood, so that it could not reach the foot.

When your foot starts hurting in the night

Do not pay attention to as follows:

“If you are too young for medications try to use natural means of fighting the depression. Sunlight. Exercise, Fish Oil, Vitamins, Minerals, Nature Made has a group of Vitamins, Minerals that might help you. Look on the back of Mult-her/him to see if it has Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid (because rumor has it this is the next Fish Oil for Depression). Otherwise get the Maximin Pack.

If the screening says you are not Bipolar then you can also use St. Johns Wort, and Mood Plus Sam-e. If you are perhaps you could find a psychiatrist to guide you in the use of Sam-e, but people with Bipolar disorder should stay away from St. John's Wort.”

Apparently, I have no idea about how to be healthy because my foot was in dire condition yesterday. It got so bad that for a while I was crawling around. My cell phone disappeared this morning so I will have to look for it. Anyway, I was panicking and picturing myself crawling up to Monday class I asked my sister if she had a crutch. My other sister went out and picked up two canes.

This morning a call from my Mom me woke me. (I couldn’t get up into my loft so I couldn’t use my alarm clock. I slept on the sofa.) It was almost time for class. I couldn’t miss another class because I had missed so many. So I used the ride I had set up with my sister the night before. I felt bad about this, and she hated me for it. And she hated me for having to go out and get canes when what do you know the next day I was walking. Yes, I was a little wobbly, and I don’t know if I should go to a Doctor. I guess if it happens again I have the canes.

I had to stop taking vitamins and minerals in case one was interacting with a medication, but I’ve known that I have circulation problems for a long time. That’s it. I am so thirsty.

Okay, I am back and I have a Mighty Mango. My ‘sick’ day yesterday was interesting. I would say it was more worry then pain. My heel is still complaining, but it is still walk’able. Teach me to exercise.

“Although PVD is not heart disease, it is often the first sign of blood vessel problems that may lead to coronary artery disease. The most common symptom of PVD is pain in the feet, legs or buttocks that first is noticed during walking or other exercise. The pain almost always goes away when the person rests.” –Heart Rhythm Society

Here is my wager: It is not the medication. I have had pain in my feet ever since the first time I started to exercise. It is the weight gain due to the medication that has made it worse. This problem has slowly gotten worse until what do you know just walking triggers it.

No it cannot wait, like my sister says. Problems with the circulation can be death. If I were suicidal I wouldn’t even wait due to the danger of it all.

All I can do is wait. I called my pDoc. She said to see a doctor today, but if my leg started hurting too, to call 911. I’ll be fine though. All the doctors will tell me is that I am at an increased risk of a heart attack, or stoke and to exercise and eat healthy, right? Yet, the peace of mind would be worth the walk.

Let me look that up.

“Peripheral vascular disease is characterized by narrowing of the arteries, reducing blood flow to the legs, arms, brain and other organs. The cause, in most cases, is atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). The arteries become narrowed by cholesterol-containing fat (plaque) that builds up and hardens inside the arteries. People with peripheral vascular disease are at high risk for heart attack and stroke. While peripheral vascular disease is common — about 10 million people in the United States are affected — only about one in four is diagnosed and receives treatment.” –Mayo ClinicIt says little about treatment, but it says there is treatment. Meaning I should go see a doctor. So it isn’t my lack of good research about natural ways to help with depression, but inside it is my own body saying, “I have been complaining for years. I’m going to make your foot hurt because you have high cholesterol and you gained weight and I don’t like it. Oh, and that medication that can raise cholesterol? Yes, the medication that makes you sane? Say goodbye to stability. Oh and that exercise that enabled me to make your foot hurt? It saved your life.”

Should I skip the student health system, that tells me if I should go to a doctor, and just go to a doctor?

“Vitamins
Folate, B-6 and B-12 are vitamins that help to decrease homocystine in the blood. In specific situations, other dietary supplements may be prescribed, such as L-arginine and Omega-3 fatty acids.” –Mayo Clinic
The wondrous impact these vitamins where having on me must have been what helped with my mood. It got my blood flowing, literally. Omega-3’s seem to help as well, and Grape Juice says on the front that it is good for the heart. The mystery of my depression has been solved, and it’s all in the veins.

I wonder how many people are depressed because of circulation problems. I just vented to a friend in the studio right by me. I feel better now. My circulation has speed up.

You know, I’ve always wondered (since High School) why doctors didn’t say anything about my heart when they listened, just because my heart had started to feel different. I wonder what it will feel like to have legs that don’t hurt when you exercise, or walk at the same speed as everyone else.

Good day, I will had a cat picture later.

Sigh,

Early in the morning I dropped something off at my consoling office, a referral in fact. Wind gently blowing in my face I walked to Panera with my brother. My brother, as always, playing the role of the older sibling paid for my bagel and cream cheese. We sat by the window as the light of the second half of winter poured in. It was good bagel I have to admit, but not as good as Big Apple Bagels, I’ve never had a bagel as good as Big Apple Bagels. In High School I used to pick up Big Apple Bagels to sell in the morning before classes for the Art Club. Bagels and Donuts. I was complemented once for my taste in Donuts. Dunk’in Donuts.

Now? Now I am in Barnes and Nobles. What? There is a college bus over there! The college bus doesn’t go out here (I think) if it does I’m take’n it. It is so peaceful here I think I will take my fish oil now. Yum supplements washed down with coffee. Not espresso, no. I’m switching back to coffee. I can use fake sugar and less milk that way. My brother is grading 8th graders papers right by me right now.

Reach down deep inside yourself. Close your eyes and read the letters floating around in the red glowingness. I wonder why people say when they close their eyes they see nothing. When it is dark and I close my eyes I can faintly see a greenish yellow light twisting. When it is quiet I always hear the ringing in my ears. I noticed this ring when I was much younger, and I associated it with the sound of electricity flowing through the walls. I think that the ringing has gotten louder.

Have you ever read so long that the words have imprinted themselves onto your vision? You close your eyes and you see words, but you cannot make them out. Then slowly the words fade, and it is back to that yellow light twisting.

Have you ever stared at a teacher in front of a white board for so long that when you move your eyes you see an image of her on the white board?

Have you ever stood in front of a demon? A dog demon? Inuyasha. Last night there was a memory, a concept that passed through my head. The thought of all those books, and fantasy like movies all rolled into one, one male to stand for all those heroes. So he stood beside me, and there was something that I was something in a dream the night before, but I could not pull it out.

(I’m going to be silly for a while.)

In a Movie of Naruto (Movie 2), there was a concept that if one person ruled everything, they would abuse this power, and fights would break out for this power. One Ring to Rule them all, but I am the one person to rule all my genes. A body works together towards me. So while the One Government to rule them all would be evil indeed (even in the body there are different organs) there perhaps should be One Goal, that we will try the hardest to make sure that every cell (person) lives a good happy life.

Today, we could be doing a much better job toward this goal. Because we have so many resources we do not use/share, but that we waste. We have a few challenges to overcome, but there are enough brilliant fools out there to save the world.

So when the world has a blood system for all its parts. So when the cultures have formed into organs that can work with others, and the Amish continue to make their wonderful quilts holding the secrets of the past. There is much we have foolishly let go of. Much we are losing.

As for the brain, we all have them. There is no need to have a One Ring overall the organs. Right?

So in the Utopia of the body we will find our way.

(Done being silly.)

Sometimes when you get an idea you just have to write it out. There are number of people I would like to lift up. I would like, a better shelter for the homeless and support for children whose parents are ‘junkies.’

The other day I ran into a homeless person who had a nametag on. Thinking that maybe he wasn’t homeless, but was collecting money for the shelters I stopped to talk to him. He said, “I am homeless.” with the same acceptance and pride that I would I say, “I am Schizoaffective Bipolar.” a kind of, ’I am a person, here is my old name tag from where I worked’ attitude.

Sometimes instead of just saying, “No” to the homeless I say, “No, but I will buy you something to eat.” Not much because I am poor, but when I think of being homeless I think about three things, Cold, Bad Food, and Smelliness. Oh and uncomfortable sleeping places. That is why I want a big warm homeless shelter.

When it comes to the Sims 2 I have written a few ‘ideas’ for expansion packs. I.E. Art Gallery (I am happy to see they are getting an art gallery and am wonder if they saw my idea. I would also like to see if they used any of my ideas about what the art gallery is like. i.e. You have to become friends with the gallery owner to sell painting for more
money, and that he is a mean and rude person who is hard to get along with.)

One idea was that people aspiring to be Chiefs could work in soup kitchens (to get experience), so that the homeless of the neighborhood could not only have food, but five star meals!

I also had an idea about having an environmental artist. Dragons stealing away Sims so they have to be rescued. Running at each other on horse with poles. (I was told that is Joulting…or whatever.) And a Sims 2 Cultures EP. I think that explains itself.

Have I talked about this before? I got an extreme box of Nature Made Vitamins and Minerals. Maximin Pack for Men and Women. It has so much stuff in it that it is bound to hit the mark, and for half the price as buying the Jones 24c if I could find the 24c for a $1 each… only the Jones 24c comes with tasty liquid. I wonder if I sold the packets I could make a killing. You know, make my October.

Vitamin and Mineral and Supplements time! Which includes Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil under supplements. Only I’m not sure I should take it with Vitamin E because that is what breaks down Omega-3’s. I will look it up. Oh, the two are good together; Vitamin E keeps Omega-3’s from going rancid. You want to know something weird? Yes you do. I knew somehow that Fish Oil could go rancid without ever having heard the word. I used the word rancid on instinct.

Oh no my poor Bonsai. Maybe it is time to water it again. I think it is time to use some fertilizer to help it re-grow what has been lost. It just doesn’t like it when my room gets cold, and I come back and turn on the heater and it gets warm. Also the lighting is messed up. Bonsai Bonsai. What will I do with you if I have to move? One of my plant lights is too strong, where if it hits the back of the leaves it dries them up. So how do I know both sides healthy? Now if I had a contraption that moved the light around it like the sun it wouldn’t matter. Don’t you think it would make a cool display table? (For Bonsai that do not mind the indoors.) Of course you do, and you being a top of the line furniture designer, will look into creating it right away. What if it flops? Here’s how it goes people like plants (nature and all), people like the latest technology, and people like good design (that will be up to you).

I go onward. Something has changed. I am not nearly as tired as I used to be. My brother says that is must likely a combination of things. One being the change in weather, and another being, the vitamins and minerals, and I forget the third one. He talked about X-Men for a while and the healing powers of Wolverines body and mind. Apparently if Wolverine mind heals by making him forget all the bad times.

I exercised today until my feet fell asleep. After a while I was able to switch machines to one where if my feet gave out I would not get hurt. I slowed down and let my blood flow back to my feet, wiggling my toes (I didn’t want to damage my feet by not paying attention to their needs.) Yet, every time I started speeding up my feet would go numb again. So that, and that fact that my headphones wouldn’t stay on with this new machine (they are broken) lead me to give up, and focus on schoolwork.

Really, this medication slows me down. My feet have never been that numb while working out before. It is true that I’ve had a numb I don’t hurt anymore, but not a numb I don’t feel my feet very much. Not a, “Oh, no! They have fallen asleep, what if I they stop working.” So it is settled, medication is messing with my circulation, or at least the amount of oxygen in my blood.

Do I care? Do I care when I am waddling along and everyone is passing me, and then so far ahead of me. Do I care that my legs complain every morning walking into school or that I can no longer do my best when exercising because of my feet? If you do then you do not know depression. Sure I’ll take a few hits here in there. My feet have always hurt when working out until the pain just goes away, but this, two feet sleeping?

Sigh.

I posted a question on yahoo answers:
I am on Lamictal, Topamax, Wellburtrin, Zyperxa Zydis, and Zoloft. Lamictal causes slow movement. So I exercise in the hopes of moving faster, but my feet and legs are in slight pain and then get numb and finally fall asleep. How can I overcome my slowness if I cannot even exercise?

It is not just exercise that hurts, but walking around everyday. I will try to keep up with others and my breath will get short as I limp along, and they are already walking slow just for me. It is a total workout keeping up with people, and I watch as people who passed me just a while ago are already all the way across the parking lot.

Oh, and reading takes longer now too. I want to speed back up, but I do not know how. I am scared to get off Lamictal and risk a medication that will have me depressed, or manic. (Schizoaffective Bipolar) I've lost so much of my life to depression.

First response: “See your doctor. Sometimes people read the side effects of their drugs and get it in their head that's what wrong with them. Lamictal is for epilepsy, but I know those drugs are sometimes used as mood stabilizers. Maybe you can try something else.” (SaraMc)

At first I was a little mad, but then I thought it over, she is saying that my problem could be caused by something other then the medication, and I shouldn’t label it.

I’m going to go try and answer some questions now. So I can reach level two and be able to rate, I think more people would answer if they could be rated.