When your foot starts hurting in the night

Do not pay attention to as follows:

“If you are too young for medications try to use natural means of fighting the depression. Sunlight. Exercise, Fish Oil, Vitamins, Minerals, Nature Made has a group of Vitamins, Minerals that might help you. Look on the back of Mult-her/him to see if it has Vitamin B-12 and Folic Acid (because rumor has it this is the next Fish Oil for Depression). Otherwise get the Maximin Pack.

If the screening says you are not Bipolar then you can also use St. Johns Wort, and Mood Plus Sam-e. If you are perhaps you could find a psychiatrist to guide you in the use of Sam-e, but people with Bipolar disorder should stay away from St. John's Wort.”

Apparently, I have no idea about how to be healthy because my foot was in dire condition yesterday. It got so bad that for a while I was crawling around. My cell phone disappeared this morning so I will have to look for it. Anyway, I was panicking and picturing myself crawling up to Monday class I asked my sister if she had a crutch. My other sister went out and picked up two canes.

This morning a call from my Mom me woke me. (I couldn’t get up into my loft so I couldn’t use my alarm clock. I slept on the sofa.) It was almost time for class. I couldn’t miss another class because I had missed so many. So I used the ride I had set up with my sister the night before. I felt bad about this, and she hated me for it. And she hated me for having to go out and get canes when what do you know the next day I was walking. Yes, I was a little wobbly, and I don’t know if I should go to a Doctor. I guess if it happens again I have the canes.

I had to stop taking vitamins and minerals in case one was interacting with a medication, but I’ve known that I have circulation problems for a long time. That’s it. I am so thirsty.

Okay, I am back and I have a Mighty Mango. My ‘sick’ day yesterday was interesting. I would say it was more worry then pain. My heel is still complaining, but it is still walk’able. Teach me to exercise.

“Although PVD is not heart disease, it is often the first sign of blood vessel problems that may lead to coronary artery disease. The most common symptom of PVD is pain in the feet, legs or buttocks that first is noticed during walking or other exercise. The pain almost always goes away when the person rests.” –Heart Rhythm Society

Here is my wager: It is not the medication. I have had pain in my feet ever since the first time I started to exercise. It is the weight gain due to the medication that has made it worse. This problem has slowly gotten worse until what do you know just walking triggers it.

No it cannot wait, like my sister says. Problems with the circulation can be death. If I were suicidal I wouldn’t even wait due to the danger of it all.

All I can do is wait. I called my pDoc. She said to see a doctor today, but if my leg started hurting too, to call 911. I’ll be fine though. All the doctors will tell me is that I am at an increased risk of a heart attack, or stoke and to exercise and eat healthy, right? Yet, the peace of mind would be worth the walk.

Let me look that up.

“Peripheral vascular disease is characterized by narrowing of the arteries, reducing blood flow to the legs, arms, brain and other organs. The cause, in most cases, is atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). The arteries become narrowed by cholesterol-containing fat (plaque) that builds up and hardens inside the arteries. People with peripheral vascular disease are at high risk for heart attack and stroke. While peripheral vascular disease is common — about 10 million people in the United States are affected — only about one in four is diagnosed and receives treatment.” –Mayo ClinicIt says little about treatment, but it says there is treatment. Meaning I should go see a doctor. So it isn’t my lack of good research about natural ways to help with depression, but inside it is my own body saying, “I have been complaining for years. I’m going to make your foot hurt because you have high cholesterol and you gained weight and I don’t like it. Oh, and that medication that can raise cholesterol? Yes, the medication that makes you sane? Say goodbye to stability. Oh and that exercise that enabled me to make your foot hurt? It saved your life.”

Should I skip the student health system, that tells me if I should go to a doctor, and just go to a doctor?

“Vitamins
Folate, B-6 and B-12 are vitamins that help to decrease homocystine in the blood. In specific situations, other dietary supplements may be prescribed, such as L-arginine and Omega-3 fatty acids.” –Mayo Clinic
The wondrous impact these vitamins where having on me must have been what helped with my mood. It got my blood flowing, literally. Omega-3’s seem to help as well, and Grape Juice says on the front that it is good for the heart. The mystery of my depression has been solved, and it’s all in the veins.

I wonder how many people are depressed because of circulation problems. I just vented to a friend in the studio right by me. I feel better now. My circulation has speed up.

You know, I’ve always wondered (since High School) why doctors didn’t say anything about my heart when they listened, just because my heart had started to feel different. I wonder what it will feel like to have legs that don’t hurt when you exercise, or walk at the same speed as everyone else.

Good day, I will had a cat picture later.

Sigh,

Early in the morning I dropped something off at my consoling office, a referral in fact. Wind gently blowing in my face I walked to Panera with my brother. My brother, as always, playing the role of the older sibling paid for my bagel and cream cheese. We sat by the window as the light of the second half of winter poured in. It was good bagel I have to admit, but not as good as Big Apple Bagels, I’ve never had a bagel as good as Big Apple Bagels. In High School I used to pick up Big Apple Bagels to sell in the morning before classes for the Art Club. Bagels and Donuts. I was complemented once for my taste in Donuts. Dunk’in Donuts.

Now? Now I am in Barnes and Nobles. What? There is a college bus over there! The college bus doesn’t go out here (I think) if it does I’m take’n it. It is so peaceful here I think I will take my fish oil now. Yum supplements washed down with coffee. Not espresso, no. I’m switching back to coffee. I can use fake sugar and less milk that way. My brother is grading 8th graders papers right by me right now.

Reach down deep inside yourself. Close your eyes and read the letters floating around in the red glowingness. I wonder why people say when they close their eyes they see nothing. When it is dark and I close my eyes I can faintly see a greenish yellow light twisting. When it is quiet I always hear the ringing in my ears. I noticed this ring when I was much younger, and I associated it with the sound of electricity flowing through the walls. I think that the ringing has gotten louder.

Have you ever read so long that the words have imprinted themselves onto your vision? You close your eyes and you see words, but you cannot make them out. Then slowly the words fade, and it is back to that yellow light twisting.

Have you ever stared at a teacher in front of a white board for so long that when you move your eyes you see an image of her on the white board?

Have you ever stood in front of a demon? A dog demon? Inuyasha. Last night there was a memory, a concept that passed through my head. The thought of all those books, and fantasy like movies all rolled into one, one male to stand for all those heroes. So he stood beside me, and there was something that I was something in a dream the night before, but I could not pull it out.

(I’m going to be silly for a while.)

In a Movie of Naruto (Movie 2), there was a concept that if one person ruled everything, they would abuse this power, and fights would break out for this power. One Ring to Rule them all, but I am the one person to rule all my genes. A body works together towards me. So while the One Government to rule them all would be evil indeed (even in the body there are different organs) there perhaps should be One Goal, that we will try the hardest to make sure that every cell (person) lives a good happy life.

Today, we could be doing a much better job toward this goal. Because we have so many resources we do not use/share, but that we waste. We have a few challenges to overcome, but there are enough brilliant fools out there to save the world.

So when the world has a blood system for all its parts. So when the cultures have formed into organs that can work with others, and the Amish continue to make their wonderful quilts holding the secrets of the past. There is much we have foolishly let go of. Much we are losing.

As for the brain, we all have them. There is no need to have a One Ring overall the organs. Right?

So in the Utopia of the body we will find our way.

(Done being silly.)

Sometimes when you get an idea you just have to write it out. There are number of people I would like to lift up. I would like, a better shelter for the homeless and support for children whose parents are ‘junkies.’

The other day I ran into a homeless person who had a nametag on. Thinking that maybe he wasn’t homeless, but was collecting money for the shelters I stopped to talk to him. He said, “I am homeless.” with the same acceptance and pride that I would I say, “I am Schizoaffective Bipolar.” a kind of, ’I am a person, here is my old name tag from where I worked’ attitude.

Sometimes instead of just saying, “No” to the homeless I say, “No, but I will buy you something to eat.” Not much because I am poor, but when I think of being homeless I think about three things, Cold, Bad Food, and Smelliness. Oh and uncomfortable sleeping places. That is why I want a big warm homeless shelter.

When it comes to the Sims 2 I have written a few ‘ideas’ for expansion packs. I.E. Art Gallery (I am happy to see they are getting an art gallery and am wonder if they saw my idea. I would also like to see if they used any of my ideas about what the art gallery is like. i.e. You have to become friends with the gallery owner to sell painting for more
money, and that he is a mean and rude person who is hard to get along with.)

One idea was that people aspiring to be Chiefs could work in soup kitchens (to get experience), so that the homeless of the neighborhood could not only have food, but five star meals!

I also had an idea about having an environmental artist. Dragons stealing away Sims so they have to be rescued. Running at each other on horse with poles. (I was told that is Joulting…or whatever.) And a Sims 2 Cultures EP. I think that explains itself.

Have I talked about this before? I got an extreme box of Nature Made Vitamins and Minerals. Maximin Pack for Men and Women. It has so much stuff in it that it is bound to hit the mark, and for half the price as buying the Jones 24c if I could find the 24c for a $1 each… only the Jones 24c comes with tasty liquid. I wonder if I sold the packets I could make a killing. You know, make my October.

Vitamin and Mineral and Supplements time! Which includes Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil under supplements. Only I’m not sure I should take it with Vitamin E because that is what breaks down Omega-3’s. I will look it up. Oh, the two are good together; Vitamin E keeps Omega-3’s from going rancid. You want to know something weird? Yes you do. I knew somehow that Fish Oil could go rancid without ever having heard the word. I used the word rancid on instinct.

Oh no my poor Bonsai. Maybe it is time to water it again. I think it is time to use some fertilizer to help it re-grow what has been lost. It just doesn’t like it when my room gets cold, and I come back and turn on the heater and it gets warm. Also the lighting is messed up. Bonsai Bonsai. What will I do with you if I have to move? One of my plant lights is too strong, where if it hits the back of the leaves it dries them up. So how do I know both sides healthy? Now if I had a contraption that moved the light around it like the sun it wouldn’t matter. Don’t you think it would make a cool display table? (For Bonsai that do not mind the indoors.) Of course you do, and you being a top of the line furniture designer, will look into creating it right away. What if it flops? Here’s how it goes people like plants (nature and all), people like the latest technology, and people like good design (that will be up to you).

I go onward. Something has changed. I am not nearly as tired as I used to be. My brother says that is must likely a combination of things. One being the change in weather, and another being, the vitamins and minerals, and I forget the third one. He talked about X-Men for a while and the healing powers of Wolverines body and mind. Apparently if Wolverine mind heals by making him forget all the bad times.

I exercised today until my feet fell asleep. After a while I was able to switch machines to one where if my feet gave out I would not get hurt. I slowed down and let my blood flow back to my feet, wiggling my toes (I didn’t want to damage my feet by not paying attention to their needs.) Yet, every time I started speeding up my feet would go numb again. So that, and that fact that my headphones wouldn’t stay on with this new machine (they are broken) lead me to give up, and focus on schoolwork.

Really, this medication slows me down. My feet have never been that numb while working out before. It is true that I’ve had a numb I don’t hurt anymore, but not a numb I don’t feel my feet very much. Not a, “Oh, no! They have fallen asleep, what if I they stop working.” So it is settled, medication is messing with my circulation, or at least the amount of oxygen in my blood.

Do I care? Do I care when I am waddling along and everyone is passing me, and then so far ahead of me. Do I care that my legs complain every morning walking into school or that I can no longer do my best when exercising because of my feet? If you do then you do not know depression. Sure I’ll take a few hits here in there. My feet have always hurt when working out until the pain just goes away, but this, two feet sleeping?

Sigh.

I posted a question on yahoo answers:
I am on Lamictal, Topamax, Wellburtrin, Zyperxa Zydis, and Zoloft. Lamictal causes slow movement. So I exercise in the hopes of moving faster, but my feet and legs are in slight pain and then get numb and finally fall asleep. How can I overcome my slowness if I cannot even exercise?

It is not just exercise that hurts, but walking around everyday. I will try to keep up with others and my breath will get short as I limp along, and they are already walking slow just for me. It is a total workout keeping up with people, and I watch as people who passed me just a while ago are already all the way across the parking lot.

Oh, and reading takes longer now too. I want to speed back up, but I do not know how. I am scared to get off Lamictal and risk a medication that will have me depressed, or manic. (Schizoaffective Bipolar) I've lost so much of my life to depression.

First response: “See your doctor. Sometimes people read the side effects of their drugs and get it in their head that's what wrong with them. Lamictal is for epilepsy, but I know those drugs are sometimes used as mood stabilizers. Maybe you can try something else.” (SaraMc)

At first I was a little mad, but then I thought it over, she is saying that my problem could be caused by something other then the medication, and I shouldn’t label it.

I’m going to go try and answer some questions now. So I can reach level two and be able to rate, I think more people would answer if they could be rated.

Baby steps

I did exercise. For once I didn’t focus on how many calories I was burning, but instead I focused on if I liked the pace I was moving at. My wonderful headphones are currently in a shape that would not work while moving (i.e. broken apart), and I didn’t want them to get all sweaty anyways. So I picked up a pair in put it on, it was wet with someone else’s sweat. Luckily I was alone in the room and could just turn the volume on the TV up. Someone came in, and I realized that it was polite to ask her if she wanted the sound on the TV. “No.” She had bloody headphones on.

So in the end I could only focus on my pace, breathing, heart, and mind. My mind was as follows: I want to tire myself out so I have energy in the day, but it fades at night; This is getting boring how much longer do I have to do this? and I always start out the first day working out with endless energy that I can not match on the other days; finally, after my feet and legs stop hurting (as they do when I walk into school every morning) I can go on and on for a long time.

Yes, pain in my feet and the bottoms of my legs have always been the main problem I face when exercising. I think that it has gotten worse due to my medications. Either way I walk slowly, because if I walk at the pace everyone else does my feet do not like me.

I began to research into my theory of Lamictal slowing the blood flow to my hands and feet, but I did not remember how I found that site, and wandered hopelessly through the web trying to find it. Is it the medication that is making it worse or am I just getting old? Maybe I do have a weak ankle. (Insiders joke)

I just spent who knows how long trying to figure out if Lamictal could suddenly start impacting my sleep after months and months of use, but it is more likely the anti-depressant. Either that or when I ran out of a certain medication, and not having been told, “Do not stop taking this medication when it runs out.” I thought it was a temporary thing. I was then told that it could make matters worse if you suddenly stop. So maybe it massed up my brain, so that I now have a sleep disorder.

Either way. I want to say goodbye to the anti-depressant. I also spent some time researching to see if Grape Juice fights depression. No studies. So I sent Welch’s the question, and added in a question about the sugars in their juice. Because somehow I think that the sugars in Grape Juice are different from others, why? I really don’t know. To me Grape Juice is this magical thing that makes something that I cannot have (i.e. wine). Let others waste their money on old grapes while I have the fresh and now.

On a side note, it would be hard to live in a place like France where wine is such a big part of the culture and be on a medication that says no alcohol. That is why I think there should be more Gourmet Grape Juice (with no sparkles/bubbles) because it isn’t just wasting something that could be quality wine. It is including those who need to take a step away from alcohol for medical or personal reasons.

I am not inventing Gourmet Grape Juice. In order to work (so everyday people will pick it up for a party) it would need some real work. Welsh’s rules the Grape Juice world, but they have only two kinds (blending with different fruits doesn’t count) red and white. If one goes to the wine section and they will see just how many other Grape Juices there could be.

If I were not a poor college student I would not just let the future roll over me. If you do not see the potential of Grape Juice, and Fair trade items you do not see a world you have a say in.

When I say poor you do not quite understand. I am poor in that I will be bound by the need for insurance. I cannot go out and be a freelance artist. I cannot go out and start my own business… (Not that I could anyway). Keeping a job with insurance will rule my life. I am tired. I get ready to go to bed now. Good night.

Hello today,

It looks cold outside. I was able to get up at eight in the morning, but consider how long I slept yesterday, and all the time I spent trying to sleep so that I could get up early in the day. Looking at the snow outside I have decided to change to a much warmer plan for the day then waiting around for a late buses. I am going to pull my hair back (if I remembered where I put my hair ties) and exercise. This will hopefully wake me up, so that I can spend the day reading or writing. Oh, boy!

I started the day with three things that should cheer me up. On finding that my milk had turned sour and ruined my oatmeal, I made up some Deluxe Kraft Mac and Cheese that does not require butter or milk. I also managed to make one outstanding cup of Matcha (special tea) and had a small cup of grape juice. It was like this: one sip of tea and the good feeling that comes with it, and then a sip of grape juice and whatever good feeling comes from that.

Really grape juice makes me feel wonderful. It might be a result of people growing grapes for such a long time. Our bodies might have developed a special way love of it. At times I’ve wondered if it should be studied for mental benefits on brain disorders (like fish oil). When I was chugging down grape juice I was a whole lot happier.

Sadly my chugging of juice was (in my opinion) the main reason I had high blood sugar. I’ve wondered if the sugar was inhibiting (by taking up so much space) other chemicals and medications in my brain, but more likely my mind was subconsciencely looking for things that made it feel better and it found something in grape juice.

My craving for grape juice disappeared when an antidepressant was added to my menu. Instead I found tea, chocolate, and caffeine.

Staying in today will save me money. Exercise should save me money in the long run.

Yesterday, with the few hours I was up, I started a contest with my sister to see who could keep a healthy sleep schedule the longest. (Hence me going back to bed so early.) She told me that I should aim for 10 hours of sleep every night.

I made an appointment to see my pDoc, but she is busy until March 17. I guess that gives me time to see if I can get my act together. Here comes Act I.