I was thinking of bidding on something like this

The Art of Patience

Bonsai
Originally uploaded by RedTea

I am starting my meditation though writing early today. My stomach is empty, and telling me that I should have eaten more last night. My nails are falling apart. They keep on cracking. I had to clip them down to almost nothing. It is a strange world without having long nails. I try to use them to pull about two pieces of paper and they are not there to help. I miss them. I bought a new computer battery yesterday, just thought you would like to know. I cleaned the kitchen as well.

Tonight. Tonight I finally go to the Bonsai auction. I wonder if the IP instructors will understand how much patience it takes to do this art piece. Whether it be Bonsai trees or medication (and even meditation) they grow slowly. I am not skilled enough on a potters wheel to produce what I would dream of. Knowing this I am limiting myself to simple clay pots, and am wondering if I should cross out the clay altogether and make something new. I need to brainstorm what plants can go in other then pots. I know that tastefully clay pots just look better then store bought pots. So I will have to pull my clay skills together and create unless I can think of something else.

I am back. I just completed looking at craigslist for a table I can display my artwork on in the Gallery. I also found a curtain for my studio. Now that I think about it I hope that the curtain has been sold. I can be a bit of an implosive buyer. If I buy it I will have to put it up… that means I will have to spend money on a rod as well.

So far the Dogwood and Juniper seeds have come in. The Dogwood seeds do not need to be wintered (some seeds need a cold period to grow), but the Juniper does. The Juniper is soaking in water right now. Out of the ten seeds how many do you think will grow? My sister recommends I only do ten seed for of each kind of tree I have. I think that this is because over time I will better learn how to germinate trees from seed.

Tomorrow I go to the Sweetland Writing Center for a workshop on the story you have not seen. I already turned in a raw copy to my IP professor and am waiting patiently (again with the patience) for a response. I just finished my Mountain Dew, yah for things that destroy your teeth. Sometimes I fill like I am doing nothing towards my IP, but I am writing, and will continue to write until I have formed a pathway between my fingers and my brain. Or at least that is the idea. I want to write. I want to express. I want this writing to be a major part of my artwork. I want to salvage as much of my idea about the website as possible. I am doing this for your benefit, because despite what my sister says about even sugars impacting my brain, my thoughts are impacted by the medication.

My sister asks why then do I not do artwork on sugars, but everyone has experienced the effects of sugars. I have experienced the effects mind-altering medication firsthand. I was more social while on Geodon and started looking for a boyfriend. On Abilify…Abilify is a wonderful medication that works for many people…On Abilify I became more paranoid and started thinking of killing myself. I do acknowledge that there are other mind-altering things besides medication, like a word very similar to it, meditation.

There are those that recommend meditation as another aid in fighting Bipolar disorder. I examined it in a book on Yoga at the bookstore once...well my sister did. I was drinking a jasmine green tea; I had two sisters with me. One was looking through the book on Yoga and the other Tai Chi. They talked about things they were reading in the books, like the importance remembering how you ran as a child. I was probably flipping through a magazine complaining about how the tea didn’t taste like I wanted it too. (My likes in tea have expanded since then.) I didn’t have the pressures of IP on me at that time. It was a distant mountain the size of a fly. Now it is a whale and it is on top of me.

I have a brother that spends a lot of time coaching Frisbee, working, and doing whatever it is he does. When he is not doing this you can find him at the bookstore reading DC comics. Often when I call him up to ask to do something I end up reading anime.

Lately I have been greatly tempted by the coffee shops in the area. Espresso Royal has a deal where you get 50% off one kind of drink everyday in September. I walk in check to see if it is a Polar Cap (the Frappuccino like drink of that coffee shop) and if it is not I leave. I have this system down perfectly. The barista knows not to bother to walk to the cash resister when I show up unless I stay there.

Did I tell you exactly how incurably happy I am that the Bonsai auction is today. I have asked my sister to return the camera she borrowed and me tempted to bring a video camera, but I think that is a little extreme. Yes I will be missing the support group, but for the art of Bonsai some things must be sacrificed.

Dancing up the silver curtains.
Their shear mass held up by a single black bar.
I swing from the bar, two invisible stings holding up seat.
My hair stands up on my pale arms; clay is plastered on my pants.
I look tonight for the twisted tree.
Sliding like a snake through the air it will unveil its fall colors soon.
On a cold cement deck it will breathe in as I blow on its leaves.
I touch its leaves. I test its soil, still moist.
How long will I keep you?
I saw a Master tree on sell today.
Its owner, sad to part, needed the money.
Tonight I buy a tree.
No, no Master tree for me.

See my hopeless attempt at a poem. I am waiting for an instructor to come around for me to ask a question to and then I can go to the Clay studio. Patience.

A little story I cooked up

Look what I found on eBay!

I was born from a seed. Little did I know how I was planted, and for what I was made. From the moment I was born I have been tested. First on small things, because I was a small thing myself. I was a seedling eaten over and over again by rats. Later I moved upward into the mouths of dogs and cats. Oh what pain I have caused. Slowly over years I grew into a bigger tree ready to be formed into body that can survive in the real world withstanding normal room temperature, holding a stable level in a bloodstream. I was twisted wired and still tested. When I was ready I was exhibited. I was a blessing. Children cried to have finally gotten their parent back after ten years of fighting. There are those that it did not work for, but for everyone that it did they had to be thankful to the tree trainers and all the animals carried their cross.

Seeds

Seeds
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Suddenly it dawned on me that even if my seeds do not grow I could do artwork with the seeds. I refuse to hurt the seeds or lose them in my work, but imagine if I filmed a maple seed dancing down. I can vaguely picture something in my head. A film talking about a medication, showing maple seeds falling with clay pots positioned around it on a small wood table, each pot would hold a seed hopefully grown into a seedling, but trees are hard to grow so there is no guarantee of that. Apart from these wonderful seedlings would be the starter trees all wired up and tied up, this is how nature must be bent in order for these medications to work. Maybe just maybe I will have one completed Bonsai tree to represent me; a creature with nature modified by medications.

In a way I am the result of some scientists work because without my medication my life, if I didn’t kill myself, I would be misery.

Things are not turning out well. Something is wrong. I crawl up and except defeat instead of fighting. A mountain is on top of me. Shame surfaces as I find myself unable to face the storm. What can I do? A part of me thinks I should pull out while I still can… take a year working and come back. Come back and be ready. Would I ever come back?

Last year I had fight in me. I had something to prove. This year I just… just am falling apart. It isn’t school that is doing it to me. I wish I could go to school without having to worry about the money, but if I don’t make it this semester that is a lot of money lost. School is a job, without it I am lost. I couldn’t have continued the life I was living over the summer. I could never have faced life with so little propose. So here I am. Meditating. In short I am following the path that makes the most sense to me.

What do I do when I do not fight? Do I spend my time watching television or surfing on the computer? No. I simply take this horrible feeling inside of me and latterly crawl up in a ball inside my lazy boy chair. I let my mind wonder almost in meditation until I drift into sleep. I wake up still tired. I guess I can say I was sick as sick as I have ever been. I have never let everything push me down the way I did yesterday.

If you are wondering how much I am able to sleep then I can honestly answer you two days straight. Tiredness is overcoming me even when I sleep. I am waiting patiently for my body to adapt to the medication. Waiting for it to not be tired anymore. My brain… my brain still feels funny. Do I love my medication or do I hate it? All I no is that I have no choice, but to take it, and that makes me mad. My shoulders are stiff from all that sleep and now seating in a chair.

My sister called my day yesterday a Wellness Day, or a Sanity Day. I don’t know what exactly was pressuring me, but I feel much better now.

I am wondering if it is a good idea to let people from the school excess this post, but there are a lot of posts that revel a bit more about my weakness then I ever intended.

How did I come to start this Online Journal (Blog)? Honestly? I wanted to get an audience and brainwash them. I was going to use my psychic energy to sell Tarot card readings on eBay and use this website to attract buyers. I would take them along with me on my journey to discover the metaphysical world. I would read books and discover so much. If you read the achieves of this Online Journal you will discover shifts in the theme.