Dreams

Fighting with the feeling that things are boring, that this movie is boring when I am sure I would have loved it in another state. Here I am. This morning… yes it is not afternoon yet. I began contemplating my dreams and how the medication has changed them. Very soon after starting my medication path I begin to dream about people and books and movies that are in my life. I was happy to have dreams I could understand.

When I was a child no matter how much I wanted it I would not dream about say a book like the Lord of the Rings, or later Inu Yasha. In the end I had one dream for each of them. Now that I am on medications for a while I had so many dreams about Sasuke (anime) that I begin to wonder what he meant to me. Now I kind of miss the old dreams.

My old dreams felt deeper. I fell into another world. While now I just barely touch the surface as if I am looking at a reflection of the world of dreams. In a book I read by Robert Jordan (actually quite a few books) sometimes people dreaming could enter into another realm like place. Perhaps it has been so long since I dreamed deeply that it is slowly wearing me out.

It is not just I. People on the medications I am now (at higher doses) complain of dull dreams, plus a dull feeling brain. As for the dull brain, activity takes my focus off of it. So my feeling of boredom is gone. While I do not write as much now in the summer, I have to admit that writing helps me. I guess it is my way of playing chess. Chess is not active enough for my brain even if it is very active for some people.

Writing holds potential for me. I can write the world I can no longer touch. If I could only know how.

Writing is like a knife to fight the boredom, just like entering free sweepstakes gets me doing something during the horrible uneasy feeling. I am training my mind, and every action gets me further from crawling up into a ball in my lazy boy chair.

Wonderful wonderings

I need to warm back up on writing posts. When classes ended I took a break from my computer. Now I do not have the money to take it to the coffee shop so I still do not carry it around. What did I do? I looked for jobs, and played video games on a system my brother had given me.

I bet a Final Fantasy I had played while I was in elementary. It was awesome looking back. I thought, “This meant so me back then. I connected with these characters on a level that I cannot anymore. I had a crush (like) thing on two of these characters!” What happened to me? My brother never lost this ability, why did I?

What is wrong with me? For a while I drafted back into the world of my childhood. I shifted into the story I had been writing in my head since (or before) I show J.K. Rowling on the Rosie O’Donald show for her first book. It was in my head before, but not with the intention to write it down.

Walking around I would daydream about it, letting my focus lose itself whenever it was possible. I wanted to run when I was thinking of action scenes (I used to run through my home… I started as practice for track… which I joined up until we started having matches because I didn’t like the idea of competing with others, I just like running with others.)

Yet this desire to daydream exited as quickly as it had come back.

I hope I can make it through tonight with only eight hours of sleep. I made it last night. (As I wrote about.) A good sign, but it has happened before that I will have one day with normal hours of sleep and then fail back into the ocean of dreams the next day. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sleep eight hours and then be unable to sleep more? To be an early bird or a late bird, but whichever one I would choose it would be on a healthy amount of sleep.

Oh, and I am rational so it isn’t any sort of Mania. If anything I am still a little on the too calm side of things. If I could just get this sleeping thing in order then I would be set. I am not depressed (it seems that it was seasonal last time). I am not gaining weight. Not wasting money… that much. Not feeling ill… etc. There is however one side effect that most people would call quits on right away. It took a year to build up, sigh. My pDoc knows don’t worry. I guess I have a life of no alcohol (interaction with medication) and sex (side effect) ahead of me. There will however be drugs…legally proscribed ones.

This is some good stuff. Tazo’s Matcha mixed with Happy Milk. Now I remember!!! Last night while I was trying to sleep I started to think about real Matcha and I told myself that I would make myself some when I got up the next day. Maybe that is what woke me up. My subconscience likes Matcha!

The thing with Tazo’s Matcha is that as you have more of it your taste buds adapt to the taste so you need more and more of the Matcha mix so it is best to not overdo it like I did when I first decided it was a good way to replace the price of coffee shops. When you haven’t had it in a long time, and you have some really good milk… I am so blessed.

My sister gave me a Coach purse. I can have good peanut butter and jelly. I even had an interesting dream yesterday. (When you sleep as much as I do it is a good thing if you remember your dreams or else there would be a great void in your life.)

Dream:
I was at a museum in Italy, and there was a school attached to the museum. Walking around in the artists’ studios a student see us and get upset, “You are not supposed to be here.” Quick on my feet I tell a white lie, “I am here because I was thinking of joining your masters program.” As I say this I lose focus of the studios and think, “No, I thought I was tired of art school and couldn’t face anymore. If I were to go back I would like to master a medium first, I should take classes at the art center until I am ready.” The rest of the dream was about a comparing this school in Italy to my art school. Is the artwork better? It is Italy after all.

My plan was not a success. (As written yesterday)

I did not wake up today, until the day was over. The day is over. I am awake now, but the city buses will not run much longer, not long enough to justify going out. So I am in. Inside. My head feels funny. It has since last night. I wasn’t up in time to make my appointment with my pDoc, and this isn’t funny. I am sure I can twist it to some kind of humor, a sour kind with little light.

In my mind as I slept was an idea that I would need to present my Senior Project the moment I was back from break, but I was far from ready. I would have to stay up all night to be close, but I couldn’t because my pDoc told me I need eight hours of sleep every night. I had to do not only the Senior Project, but also readings for other classes, and some class I am not taking popped into my dream and I was sure I was taking it and had to do work for. I was aware that it was Thursday, and time was running out for break, but I couldn’t get myself up.

So perhaps you can understand now just how hard it is to wake up. Today was the day; if I could get up today I was going to use it to apply for jobs, because it would prove that the medication was working. I did not remember this when sleeping. I need the money. I guess I have enough food brought to last me a long time. So I will not go hungry.

This is the first time in my life that I have faced a problem like this for a whole year. Feeling hopeless isn’t a sign of depression, but frustration. Yet, I still hope, I hoped that this last medication change would workout so much that I waited about six weeks, maybe more. Even on the day when I slept two days, and recently when I slept about a day.

A post for last week

Dear Sir or Madame,

I had an interesting dream last night. I went into class and asked the Professor if he would just give me some information on a class I missed. He blow up at me asking, “WHAT WHERE YOU MANIC. Why are you using your illness as an excuse?” I started to cry and said; “You don’t understand my illness puts me at a disadvantage. My medication makes me so tired. All I’m asking for is a little help.” The Professor just keeps on yelling at me.

In another dream my Roommate was leaving because of how messy the apartment was. (My apartment is clean.) “I did my chore this week (the kitchen and living room get cleaned every week).”

When you sleep as much as I do, sleep infringes on your waking world. You will be doing something that suddenly reminds you of a dream you have had in the last few days, and dreams will build upon other dreams.

I feel kind of sick. I just had some cold oatmeal, because I think the Microwavable kind has a horrible texture once it is Microwaved. I don’t get it because you can Microwave the normal kind (I’m talking about the big round containers of oatmeal.) Personally I think the only difference is that the Microwavable kind is the cheaper kind of oatmeal. I’m guessing that the Microwavable kind is the stuff that is left over when all the bigger oats have been filtered out.

I am feeling much better now. Taking a pain killer on top of my medication is a real energy drag. Suddenly I pictured owning a restaurant, it must be the music I am listening to. Yes, I can listen to song with lyrics and write, but I cannot concentrate on reading and listen. I guess it is that I have never stopped to train myself. I used to use music to trigger my imagination. Yes, I had a dream world. I miss it. I had a dream about it a few weeks ago, and it all came rushing back, so I have not forgotten.

Or maybe I can write and listen to music with lyrics because my writing voice is so much stronger then my reading voice. I want to train myself to multi task, even if one’s mind can only really focus on one thing at a time (yeah right). I suddenly had an idea. It is because talking and listening are connected either by experience of talking to people or in the brain so a person has little trouble doing both. Reading is a different part of the brain, or our experiences (this is a guess).

I just pictured another dream where I was trying and trying to talk in a group of people, but I couldn’t get a word in no matter how hard I tried. I got so frustrated that I would talk over other people, but no one would listen.

I have many, many flavored waters at my apartment. I bought them before my roommate got a water filter. You see I somehow didn’t like the tap water (thought it was wonderful at the last apartment I was in), and did like the idea of spending money on plain bottled water, so I got bottled water with a flavoring. I also used tea to fix up the tap water, and ice seemed to help a little.

I have a horrible test to be studying for ba-hum-bug. I do not like the idea of tests. I do not like them at all. My sister is coming in so I have a lot of work I should be doing to have extra time for her, but if you can put something off why not?

--- Ok --- I’m back.
I was with my sisters. When I think of studying a horrible feel crawls up over me. I want to crawl up. I slide down the back of my lazy boy chair. I try to drown the feeling out with music. I didn’t have this problem before I was medicated. When I faced tests by studying late into the night. Something has made me more sensitive, where I now shatter under pressure. Yet I continue.

That original fear of going back to college after having a long depression made me cry at night. I wanted to switch into another class (this happens a lot with me), and in one email told a Professor all the reasons why I needed to be in her class, that I needed to do artwork about having Bipolar disorder. She took me to see an adviser who told me that 17 (or maybe 18) credits and a ten-hour job was crazy for anyone let alone anyone recovering from depression.

Hi again!!!!
It is another day.
I am up, but the weather is not. Please tell it to be a little warmer towards its guests. I had three Truffles today! Oh, and I cannot get into my Amazon account because I lost my wallet and called to have everything canceled (just in case). So I will forever have my crazy wish list up. So if anyone wants to get me a ring worth more then my collage tuition, or a 17 inch Macbook Pro. Feel free. ;) I went off and had another Truffle. I am like a bottomless pit when it comes to sweets, or of about anything. It is my medication, Zyprexa, the weight loss pills might keep me from feeling hungry, but I have noticed that I will eat until the plate is empty. I have a mid-term tomorrow, and I have to pick up medication today. No putting it off.

Sunday's post completed today

I am worried about my future. I am only on my parents insurance until I am 25, and after that I will be forced to maintain a steady job with insurance, or suffer the consequences. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and the way thing are looking right now… I am already a burden.

I want a job, I would look for one online right now, but my parents have turned the Internet off.

I am afraid that taking all the aspirin hurt my organs because sometimes, not always, they get a very little sore. I don’t know if it is the consequences of my action or my medication. Who knows, who cares. I’m fine. I’m healthy enough to walk, run, sleep, etc.

I have a purring cat on my shoulder trying to overpower the computer. Yes, the wonderful thing about laptops is you can put a pillow under you head, and balance your computer on your tummy and legs. I do this because I do not have a chair in my room, and the chair in the main room is usually taken.

So I have a cat very slowly falling asleep on my shoulder.

I’ve been having dreams about Sasuke from Naruto. I never had this many dreams about any character in Inuyasha, and I used to think that no matter how much I wanted to have dreams about something I read or watched it would never happen, because it never did. I have had great control over my dreams lately, but I do not understand why I keep on fighting with Sasuke at my side. Naruto is sometimes there as well.

The thing is I haven’t watched this anime in a long time. I suppose that this dream is telling me that deep down inside I want to finish watching this series, but it so much fighting.

What would you do if you kept on having dreams where you are fighting beside an anime character? What would it mean?

In reality I don’t really care. I enjoy the dreams. I get to jump high, almost flying, and have super fighting powers that of course no one can match. I made it to Episode 168 (on youtube) before I gave up on the series that is not bad. I wonder how close I was until the end.

My brother gave me the Oracle of the Radiant Sun, a set of 82 cards that are totally different from Tarot cards. I used them to get more insight after an important Tarot reading. I am nearing the end of my time as an online Tarot reader. A short phase of my life is coming to an end. I do not know if I will pick up online readings again, but that is something I will leave the cards to decide.

Sweet Dreams

It is a wonder that I got up today. My dreams were so sweet I did not want to leave them. That is what I love about my medication. I have vivid dreams, and even when they should be scary somehow they are not. I guess we all get a chance to count our blessing every now and then. Smile.

On another note I am wondering if I should stop doing Tarot readings online. I think that it should be a face-to-face kind of thing between good friends. I was only doing readings online for practice.

I think that at some point I should start putting my own artwork up on my site. Ever since I was diagnosed I have been doing less artwork outside of school. Last summer was so horrible. I was so depressed and lost. I sooner or later found a job, but I could find no enjoyment in it. I could enjoy nothing. Sooner or later I started to be able to read, and go on walks. The walking came first.

I cannot really describe that summer very well. I have memories, but they are not very eventful. It was more like a dull nothing; a feeling of being trapped. Sigh.

I wish you were there with me. I was so alone. I was reaching out for anyone to help me because I know I was falling, but everyone had work to do, and life to live, so I had so much time alone. I needed more people to hang out with.

That is why I walked so much, to pass all the hours of the day. I guess I should have thought of writing. I guess I wrote a little let me see if I can find some. Nope. They are on my back up hard drive. Too bad, I guess you will have to wait.

K.O.

Once I got back from my trip I was so tired that I went into sleep mode and did not get out of it for a long time. It is moments like these that remind me of my limitations. I must have been running on adrenaline during the trip because as soon I got home I was so very, very sleepy. Stupid medication. How dare you make me so sleepy! I slept for almost a full day.

I don’t know what to do. I keep on thinking that I am getting better, and then something like this comes along and I don’t have a clue why. Will I ever have normal sleeping patterns again?

At least my dreams are interesting.

What can I tell you? The flight went well, and I came home safe. It is a sad, sad thing that I couldn’t continue to function as wonderfully as I had on the trip. I did one Tarot reading and than crawled up into bed. Sigh.

I cannot stand it. I do not know how to handle this. How will I go to school, and sleep so much? Will I run on adrenaline all week and sleep on the weekends. How am I ever going to be able to handle a job?

What if it isn’t the medication? What if I suddenly developed a sleeping disorder? Should I get this looked at? I have one month to get better. One month! OMG. I think I should crawl up and just go to sleep. I cannot face this problem. I’m getting sleepy just typing this.

Topamaz - weight - medication - hope - etc

Topamax is an expensive weight control pill. It works like a wonder. My hunger just disappears, whereas before it was the big beautiful butterfly of doom. I even turned down my long time goal. My goal was to either have the OREO Pie at Big Boy, or the HERSHEY’S Pie at Burger King. I was at Big Boy, and I literally said no. NO. What in the world was I thinking?

Now my goal is to lose enough weight that I can just eat the pie without feeling guilty. Not that I would have felt guilty before this summer, I feasted on Ben and Jerry’s and Spaghetti before now. So why do I have this sudden goal to get rid of my belly.

My mother says I am not chubby just pleasantly plump, and for a long time I have thought if I lost some weight I could be attractive. Oh…I am so tired. Maybe if I just lay down for a bit…sigh…give me a moment please.

Yes, I feel so much better now. The only problem is that I lost my train of thought. (Choo Choo) Anyway, so I have been doing Tarot Card readings as you might have noted in the EBAY posting. If you want to see what a reading with me is like go ahead and bid. I use the Celtic Cross, and give you the choice of two decks.

I have yet to decide which of the two decks is my favorite one is more traditional and harsh, and the other is unconventional and lighthearted.

I had a dream once that a new medication was coming out for mental illnesses that was the best on the market. It beat all the other drugs on the market including Lithium. I wonder how long it will take for this drug to be made. How vast is my foresight?