Thursday is the day... like any other day

Here I am. I wasted more $$ on coffee. It was automatic. I needed to buy admission into some place to seat and read (for class). I am glad I was able to get it done. I will not say what I was forced to read, but I will say it was hard to drink and also focus on reading it. Eating would have been too big of a task for me.

So here I am. I heard a song Kermit the Frog sings as part of the background music. “Some day we’ll find it. The rainbow connection…etc” I had to stop reading and listen to this women singing this song. I was trying to pick up on the lyrics that I had never managed to memorize as a kid. On the playground I remember spending one recess all to myself on a swing silently singing this song over, and over.

I am kind of rolling around trying to figure out what to write next. I had some ideas, but I keep on thinking, “That doesn’t sound right.” Particularly I feel better, but have been suffering from restlessness lately. I am inside side the border of boredom that makes it harder for me to focus. My thoughts are just not flowing. I stop for seconds between sentences, look up at the sunny world, and the feel goodness of it all.

I in no way mean that I am not tired. During my morning class I just wanted to sleep, but now my drink has woken me up a little. I realized that last time I asked for a refill on Zyprexa I asked for the wrong dosage. I was reduced to 7.5 mg, and I forgot and asked for 10 mg. I used to be on 20 mg. This will definitely effect my blood tests. Boo who.

Oh! Another cute doggy. If you think of it, dogs of homeless people might get a lot more attention (but no medical care) then your average puppy. I think about the homeless sometimes. I could never afford to be homeless. Yet, in one of my states of mind I thought about how freeing it could be to not have live according to the system. I wondered how boring it would be to stand in the same spot every day.

Cute little, little girl. Plus the Mommy has a baby in her tummy. I haven’t seen a child that young (outside of mass) in a long, long time. Ahhh, another! Attack of the children and Mommies with baby tummies.

Sigh. What happens when I stop just running into people I know? When so many people (from college) have moved away that I no longer have that little joy. It is the chief ‘I am cool’ reminder. It is something beyond computers (and its Friends count, or cold AIM), something that can never be reached by computers.

So… bye for the day

On a Tuesday at a coffee shop

Some fruits absorb water like crazy when you raise them off. (ie Strawberries) Ohhhh… my head is dizzy-like. I am tired. Want sleep. Noooo! It is too early for sleep. Want sleep. OH oh oh woe woe. Must focus on other stuff.

Okay, ok. It is the next day. Last night after writing the above I watched Naruto and then wondered into bed where I in a sleepy slumber attempted to sleep. Tossing and turning, wondering how I could be so tired and not be asleep yet I slowly disappeared. I found myself dreaming about missing the bus and then handing out Christmas gifts (in particular saying some Jewish saying I cannot remember).

An annoying alarm woke me up. I wanted to just turn it off and go back to sleep. My mind thought that it was the wrong day to be up at this time, but I also knew that it is the right day.

So I went off to class. I felt stupid in class. The stupidest I have felt in any class since Elementary. (I am not used to feeling stupid.) Something about the atmosphere.

I volunteered at the Humane Society on Monday. Much fun as always… I couldn’t walk dogs because they had changed the policies so much I need retraining. So I ended up petting cats until I ran into a sick one that sneezed all over me. After which (for the sake of not spreading the sickness) I was forced to cut my cat comforting short, and find something else to do with my time.

Ideas
1) Portable Solar Panels (that can fold up and safely fit in a book bag.) to use with computers that have non-glare screens. A day with your computer at the park.

2) Online website where you can sponsor real animals! (Inspired by Neopets, lol)You go through pictures of animals, decide ‘this is the one for me,’ and oversee its care.

3) I know there was a third one somewhere… I’ve forgotten it. I know it was better then number 2… oh, no…cannot remember it, but I will go back to an old idea. A website to gloat about volunteering. The more you volunteer the higher your rank. Yet volunteers might be the kind of people who could be targeted on the Internet and might be more welling to for example… meet someone who they think is a fellow volunteer?

Good day!

Meow

It appears that my medication trails are at a stalemate. My liver cannot handle much (apparently) and I am told that the anti-psychotics I haven’t tried raise cholesterol and blood sugar more then Zyprexa. Plus cause more weight gain.

So I have to wait until the solution is created… (ie better medications come out, and are readily accessible)

*People who have trouble taking medications please stop reading this post*

Right now the solution to psychosis feels to me like it is just putting that part of my brain to sleep. I have to wait until scientists come up with a better solution… I just a vision of someone opening up a scull to put in a device that regulates chemicals (As a moderator in a support group said some people were researching.). Somehow this upset me. Picturing a machine controlling the workings of my mind, but then again how is it different from medications?

I am a lab rat. What is learned through me (and other people with mental disorders) is the most dangerous of dangerousness. Splitting the atom did not seem to be a bad idea. Making sure every brain is perfectly oiled (like a brain new car!) so there is no suffering (at least among the rich) will change society. That change is exactly what I am afraid of.

I was born with a brain so creative it was unstable. No creative is the wrong word. The term ‘creative’ is a cop-out.

I was born with a thick wall between others understanding me, and well… myself. My family never questioned. Accepting my ‘weirdness’ completely. Yet I was not as lenient as my family. I straggled with language all my life… some would say I was of the ‘artistic’ mind, but no I am (or was) both brained (right and left).

I became creative because I had to adapt to a world that I somehow did not fit in with. So I wasn’t born creative, but different and from this difference came my instability. I was able to survive (maintaining my life stability) with a mental illness for 20 years. You want to know something? That school year up until the very end I was sleeping a good 8 hours. Even though I was in college. I went to bed at the same time and woke up at the same time.

What am I saying? My sanity broke apart more at that time then ever before and that is what lead me to stay up. Throughout the year, in little bits it would show itself (my underlying insanity). And it came out in ways that I find strangely familiar to other family members (one was on medication for a while, but stopped).