Waiting for English class

Two red squares on a white and gray floor. Two shades of gray. Spacked. Reflective. Upside down. A few scattered late students walking into classes flip fops. One stops to ask the time…11:42. A ringing necklace in the shape of a heart, golden. My class, “The Art of Memory” got out early again. We have a homework assignment. I think that I can actually look forward to the class. With this Professor I usually zone out of a couple seconds (as I can do) and I can never pick up the topic again, but today I understood everything. All zoned in. I think I will always show up early to this class. There is such a big time gap between the two classes. Time to pack myself up, refuel, work on assignment, and do everything in my power to make a post.

My sister came into town yesterday. It was party time! My parents drove in, I did card readings, and we ate good food.

I would like to inform you that even if I do not chose the Growth of Medication through Meditation project; I will still be getting a Bonsai tree. It’s just the project will be on hold, I will be silently transferring the essence of one medication Zyprexa Zydis. I will however keep you updated on my quest for the perfect Bonsai tree. Here is my list,

Chinese Wisteria– Geodon (seems nice, but is invasive)
Chinese Elm – Zyprexa Zydis (a serious looking tree for a serious medication)
Risperdial – Japanese White Pine (same)
Abilify –Japanese Red Maple (seems light and cheerful)
Luthium – Serissa (is hard to maintain, with lithium you have to get just the right levels)
Limictal – Ficus (I’m not sure about this one, this tree seems to fit with Luthium being Serissa they both seem to be different kinds of trees then the others which they are different medications)

Topamax –some kind of mint (mint is light on calories and Topamax is for weigh loss)
Zoloft – Lavender (refreshing and cheerful)
Broprotion – basil (for same reasons as Topamax, but this medication tastes different)
Ambien- Lilacs (Lilacs close at night, and Ambien is a sleeping pill)

So this is my list as it stands now, if I were to continue with this project.

Voices in the dark

I had known something was wrong for a long time; I just couldn’t get the voices of my critics out of my head. I thought I was insane. One night I looked into the mirror and thought I could almost gouge out my eyes.

That night I drank extra tea and ate extra spaghetti because I felt that tonight was the night demons were going to be pulled out of me. Before going to bed I made this piece of artwork (this writing is for a presentation to be given to a group of elderly). That night in my mind I could hear three people talking as they pulled the demons from my body. They used rather fowl language.

The next day I woke up and went to a coffee shop and later a restaurant to award myself for making it through the school year. I was trapped in a current of changing thoughts that no matter how illogical all seemed to make sense. I came to the conclusion that I was died and need to transcend to the next level of being.

At first I thought that my roommate would help me, but I could not find him so I, being Catholic, went to Saint Mary’s Student Parish, for aid in transcending into heaven, or wherever it took me. I was afraid I was trapped in hell. At Church I asked the people there to help me, and they sent me to the Menial Hospital.

It was there that I was put into a small little room, with a single couch, food and a magazine. I drank a little milk. There was also a red button in the room. I was afraid I was in hell, and that in the end I would end up pushing that button over and over again each time hoping for something to happen. I sang out hoping that my song would reach heaven. I thought that if I was in hell, but I could still remain in love with God. I was afraid I would sing until my voice was gone, and then sink into despair. A great while later I was taken out of the room. It was light when I when into the room and pitch black when I was put into the ambulance to be taken to another hospital one that was covered by my family’s insurance. I was diagnosed as Bipolar type I with psychosis. It wasn’t until over a year later that I was re-diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar.

First day back

As to be expected the first class of the day got out early. I am seating waiting for my next class as we speak. I should have stopped by a coffee shop on the way because I thought it was one’ o’clock when in fact it was 12. So I have a long time to seat here writing before having my class on creative writing. What my Internet went out! Do they turn it off once classes start…oh there it is. Okay. Lets see. If this Online Journal is the winning project, as I so want it to be, I will still get a bonsai starter tree. I am thinking a type of Japanese Red Maple. I hear laugher coming from one of the classrooms. I wonder if the students are really laughing or are they just humoring the professor to get a better grade. I don’t know that idea popped into my head. Everyone seems so well slept and happy. Oh someone has a bloody nose. Later in the year I will see people almost (if not completely) asleep in these very halls.

I wonder why I am finding such creative comfort in writing lately. Traditional Art. Traditional art has fallen to the wayside. I choose to write, mix, and create with words. I would choose to grow, dirt under my long fingernails, and mold ever so slowly, but too slowly for this project so I must build up out of clay what I would train a tree to do. I would choose to reach out to those around me for aid, and offer friendship and support in return.

I am a simple creature. I do not spend money on alcohol, or wine, just coffee and tea. I would invite you to a cup of Green tea with me at Espresso Royale, but it is not safe to meet people over the Internet. So let us just pretend. We are in the two comfy chairs at the round table in the back. I have a sketchbook and oil pastel on my fingers leaving fingerprints on my coffee cup. You, you have your favorite espresso drink, and a pastry that is divine. What would we talk about?

Balance

Balance
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow…

I go back to college tomorrow. I will finally know which project is the winner, if any at all. I think…I think…I think that I am as ready as I am going to be. I am kind of at a stand still. In my option I have three very good ideas, and it is a toss up as to which one will be crowned. I just cannot force myself to get ready. I want to go get coffee.

Lets see. I am in a bright place right now. The windows are open and the light is bouncing all around.

Time has past. I helped my sister move stuff back into her room and we (two of my sisters and myself) went out to eat. Now the sun is down and I have thoroughly added many, many calories to my day, calories and caffeine. I need to find my alarm clock. I will be back. Oh no, I cannot find my alarm clock. What to do, what will I do? I did however find my Pria PowerBars while I was looking for my alarm, I somehow came to think that I had thrown them out thinking it was an empty box. But now I can rest assured that I did indeed throw out an empty box.

A good wind is blowing my way. The biggest distraction I have ever faced in my life, college, is coming back again. I hope that I can find a job that distracts me this much without sending me overboard.

This year I feel like a rebel. I want to do test the limits of my illness. So alcohol will make me sleepy how much will a little bit of wine put me out? So staying up all night will make me manic…are you sure about that? Isn’t this medication supposed to do the work for me why do I have to do anything different? Why can’t I have green tea after 12 it just has a little caffeine in it. What chocolate has caffeine as well I thought everyone was saying these things are good for you. Why do I have to take a step back from life and avoid stress? Why can’t I go running with the bulls? Why do you keep telling me to exercise, eat right, be healthy and blah blah blah blah blah.

I am standing on the edge of life, trapped between enjoyment and boredom. Everything seems so real so beautifully and dully real. It is all a matter of how I choose to look at a thing. In the end I just don’t care anymore. I’ve grown into quite an adult, but I would rather still look at the world with my childish eyes. They saw just as deeply. I wish I could see that way again. I really do, but here I am. I the wine that has finally started to pull itself together. I the freshwater fish who is cast into the ocean. I the woman seating in the blue Lazy-Boy chair a slivery computer in her lap, fingers slowly moving in a calming rhythm.

So close to the judgement

I have finally settled into my nest in Ann Arbor. I have been so busy the last few days. I had a new roommate to talk to, a new room to organize, a whole family that hadn’t seen me in a long time, and a coffee shop with wonderful Green Tea that need visiting. I had a loft to assemble; yes I did finally find a loft. It is a good thing I came back to Ann Arbor before my Mother wanted me to. Lets see what have I been doing… what have I been doing… I have been getting very nervous about the upcoming school year. So many big things will be happening, and after my dull, slow summer, it will be a sudden shock to my system. I guess I will take things in stride.

What to say, what to say, last year I was afraid I could not make it though college having Bipolar disorder around this time of year. This year I wish that time would just stop, that I wouldn’t have to go back. Then my mind starts to wonder and I end up thinking about… never mind. Two people at the University might be visiting my website soon, so I best take things slow. If you want to find out what was on my mind read though the other posts, it is not that hard to guess. Or at least it isn’t hard for me to guess, because I know already.

Oh, it is time for me to check Craigslist. There done. I only saw one thing of interest.

Why do I have to do this? Why is it so important to go to college? A very big part of me is saying, “No just get a job and never go back,” but I refuse to give up. I see this Senior Project as being the ultimate stressor. I am supposed to avoid stress, and based on how I am getting ready for the project (God help me there, in fact God help me with this whole thing) things are not looking good. This is something I have to get through that will be a challenge, and I will have limitations that other college students do not have. I need according to my Doctor at least eight hours of sleep every night.

It is fine for me to go into the Senior Project a little unprepared as long as I get my act together afterwards. All right. I set forth on a journey, yet again. My first journey was to college, and that pavement was cracked by Bipolar disorder. Now I already have my mind set on two of the projects, and I don’t care which one wins out. The third is a sideshow in comparison. It seemed like a good idea at the time, not so good now. I wonder if that is the way I will feel about all of my projects, no matter which one I choose.

It is so peaceful here. I can faintly taste the espresso on my lips, the espresso I would make if I received that job at Beansters. I wish. I don’t think I will get the job, because the first day I had a job at Mujo I was setting and waiting for the bus to take me to North Campus, and it never came. I was a freshman, and I didn’t know that the bus routes changed over the weekends. I was in a panic, and I took the whole thing as a sign that I wasn’t’ ready to work and go to college at the same time. Because I called and said I couldn’t work there, the manager made a note to never hire me again. My sister works there. On U of M job applications there is a place to put any relatives that work in the University, so I have to put down her name. They see the name, call Mujo, hear about me never showing up for the first day, and throw out my application. Wonderful isn’t it.