Mary hat a little cat...or two

Mary hat a little cat...or two
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Once again I am up at 7 a.m. It was a little harder to get up today. I was in a state where I couldn’t move, and I didn’t know what time it was so I tried to get up, but no luck. Finally a song from an Anime popped into my head, “Stray. No regrets because I’ve got nothing to lose. Stray. So I’m going to live my life as I choose.” Suddenly I had full energy to get up so here I am.

If you are just popping in to this blog you might not understand how wonderful it is for me to be up after… 8.5-9 hours of sleep after the day before having 8 hours of sleep. There was a point in my life… my journey of medications that I would sleep 16 hours, and there was a time or two that I sleep two days.

Yet here I am. It is strange how somehow things feel like they are coming together. I am able to post and do horrible artwork (it has been a while). It is like a renewal, but renewed from what? I guess I have to admit that I lagged for a few weeks there. My sleeping increased and my job hunting decreased. Yet now with the possibility of this library job my hopes are up… let me check a few places again.

My hands have all these little sore spots… it is as if I was in a battle. Well, I guess not that many and most are just reddish little spots that are not tender. Oh, well.

It is too early in the morning to do anything yet. I am very poor… I think I will go pay the energy bill… Good all bills are paid now. Happy Dance. Where do you think my sister stored the espresso machine? Wait I am out of milk…sigh.

My Mother is taking me to see my Doctor where I will have my circulation in my hands and legs checked. Always-good fun! I do not know why always and good have to be connected, but hey, why not?

Happy Furby Dance. I love mornings when I manage to get up. It is the air, and the amount of cars, and the songs that the birds sing in the morning. How the light is so gentle and sometimes the grass is wet. Break from writing time!

Little Boy Meow

Little Boy Meow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

After finding a package of two White Castle cheeseburgers in a vending machine I seen found something to eat. Healthy day I know. I am sad that I have to look forward to driving back to my apartment. I am still getting used to driving again, and the light did not have a no-turn on red sign. When the other cars stopped coming I thought it was safe to turn, but I didn’t realize that first the left turn lane was going to go.

So in a panic I drove up onto the curb… and I am afraid that I might have somehow hurt the car. Let alone I am a horrible stupid driver who now knows one more rule. I don’t even think they taught me the whole “When there is a light for a left turn.” thing in drivers training. What do you think it would cost to go through it again? Sigh. You see the whole time I was in college I didn’t drive. That is four years, plus I just barely drove enough to get through drivers training to begin with.

I am such a hopeless driver. I need someone to drive along side me and tell me these things, but there is no one with the time. Therefore when I need to get to my Support Group and my Mom is not coming into town I need to drive… alone.

You know before I started driving I was going through the route in my head thinking, “There is nowhere that I can make a mistake. I will avoid as much of the hard part as possible.” Sigh. I have to drive back after the Support Group. My head is getting tired. I would go to sleep if I could…maybe. Why? Why am I so sleepy so easily?

Sometimes I have this feeling of what it was like to be in the Mental Hospital the second time, and I want to go back there. It is everything from the people to the endless amount of food and caffeine-free pop.

It was a dangerous time when I was at the Mental Hospital, there was a person who had been there lots of times and had never seen anything like it. I can talk about this stuff because unlike the Support Group it is not confidential. One person grabbed a chair and hit the wall, and required at least two shots of Geodon to go to sleep. Another went crazy attacking a door, and required some medication to calm down. He was put in the safe room where he made as much of a mess as he would. There was this lady that had burned down her house, and tried to run over her husband (because he wouldn’t move out of the way.)

After the Hospital I went to a little half-day therapy thingy. Once again there was good food proved. (If you haven’t guessed I like the sort of food hospitals have.) Yet this time it was slightly different food… still good fun. What was most important was that everyone was together not to work, or party, but to support one another. It was like Kindergarten in a way. Oh, my the more I think about it the more I want to go back, but this kind of thing is for people in special need. It is totally different then therapy.

I am wondering now why I am lightheaded. So tired and for a few seconds dizzy. I guess it was too much memory. Perhaps there is something there my brain doesn’t want me to remember. All better now.

Oh… would someone help me? Patience. I was able to get up after 8 hours of sleep, and last week I had two days in a row like this.

Once your moods have stabilized and you are no longer at the whims of chance and medication you can take a step back and wait for your body to react to changes. Whereas before you were so caught up in moods that there was no possibility of stepping back.

That’s what I need to tell myself.

SocialVibe - See if you can make more $$ then me

Come on I challenge you to a dual. So far I have made $3,986 for my charity!

Another day, another cat

It is obviously a knock on wood day. I woke up after only 8 hours of sleep. I am such an early bird. Meaning I got up at 7 am.

I started having a dream about my High School, and then my family started to pop up. One of my classmates confessed that they feel horrible because they once stole money from someone’s locker, and they were told to follow the tradition. The tradition in this situation (according to the dream) was to get a sponge and rub it under the person’s nose and then give them the money back.

My brother W. said, “Don’t do it. You will get sued.” At which point I turned to the person next to me and said, “My brother is crazy.” Then all my family started showing up and the voice of my niece (I thought at the time) woke me up. It was a young girl talking outside.

I’ve been having more knock on wood days lately. Does this mean I am getting better? Now that I have a loft I follow the, “Don’t do active stuff in bed.” rule. I used to have a little back support thingy and use my bed as a chair even if I already had a chair.

Hmm. If I move somewhere I am going to need the closet space…

I just finished looking around at apartments, but I need to find out if I get the big ‘ger’ job first. Even then who knows which of the branches I could be working at.

My head almost feels normal after having some caffeine. I can fight the feeling in my brain. I can change the feeling, but it doesn’t quite go away. It is a bit like meditation I imagine that it would take years for someone else to develop this awareness of brain feelings It was the simple shift of feelings from day to day things like caffeine on my sensitive brain that taught me.

I am listening to an audio book as I write, but I am not taking it in. It is like music.

I was so hungry I had to stop and get some food, but they were out of real food so I settled for a Musketeer and Pop (soda). Guess what kind of Pop… the forbidden kind because it is summer I have to push the limits. Anyway, I haven’t had the forbidden kind in so long that I couldn’t resist. Well I could have resisted, but that is beyond the point.

Here is to the job at the library. Chug. If I get it I will be most happy, and I will not have to feel guilty about wasting time on this posting and other stuff. Tomorrow I see my Doctor. I think I should sign up to see my pDoc soon too…. how long has it been?

Short post-

So I was looking at the manga Deathnote again, but I wasn’t reading it. I was looking at how the main character’s eyes changed from the beginning to end. And I looked at his hair and I looked at the other characters eyes. Then I had to start drawing eyes, and then I started drawing cats… and then I scanned in some old (out of copyright) photos of cats.

I cannot seem to write right now. My mind is in another mood and I have to follow it. It is getting kind of late and I will need sleep soon. I had a wonderful dinner of Ramen, rice, and eggs and finished off all my Calder Dairy milk. I should get going now… ta ta

Essentially - Wonderful

This computer is the best ‘toy’ I have ever had. I can just keep typing on and on. The entertainment never stops. Nor does the heat. I’ve pulled back my hair. It appears to have warmed up a bit. I thought to would be a wonderful just warm day, but of course.

Time has passed and here I am again. It has cooled down a lot. So that is good. Let me open AIM again. Who do you think will be on? My sister and an old classmate. My sister is obviously working.

The wind keeps on opening and closing my door. OH! I was reading a few manga/anime, and two ended up being about relationships between teachers and students. hehehe Disgusting. “7th Period is a Secret,” was one of them.

You might be wondering why I never underline or italics even when it is supposed to happen. This is because I write in Microsoft Word and copy and paste, but the underlines and italics don’t transfer somehow, so I just live with it. I guess in this case there wouldn’t be a need to underline, but it just popped into my head.

I have finally stopped dripping sweat. Yes, I was hot. I want to go somewhere and do something with someone. Bah-humbug. I am so poor. Bonsai are sick. What to do, what to do? Poor Bonsai. If I go somewhere then they will want to get coffee or food or something, and I would want to as well.

It was so hot that after giving my sister a ride into work (she said it was too hot to walk) I was drawn into the cafe and got a Vitamin Water, and if I go into that cafe I have to get a little round chocolate candy. So there I was looking at the trees that cover up the trail through the park by the river while the wind blow across my sweat and made me cool. And I thought to myself this is clearly the work of God.

Why have I changed so much? I was an uptight young college freshman once who made the biggest fuss over little things. I remember getting mad at my sisters for talking to me about always having trouble getting in connect with me and I thought to myself I’m grown up now they shouldn’t be lecturing me. So I decided to just stop talking. They decided to stop by to see why I wasn’t talking, which only made me madder and after a long while I explained.

Then the next year, lol OMG that was quite a year. What can I say… by the end of the school year I had developed Bipolar disorder, but I might have had some elements of it for a long time. So some would say that what changed is I am now properly medicated for my symptoms, whereas before my brain ran free, but.

But, while I might have had some elements which Psychiatrists would say was Schizoaffective I lived. I functioned. If a person is able to live unhindered by what is different, what is wrong with letting my brain run free and fully develop before throwing medications on me. I did well in school in the end or I wouldn’t be where I am now, and so many suffer in pre-college schooling. There was nothing wrong with me, but the system in which I learned.

My parents recognized that I was different, and let me be who I was. I was shy, but I had my whole family on my side. It wasn’t until my illness actually started to grow that problems arose, and I am glad that I had those years away from the system, which tells me what is right and wrong. That I am wrong and needed righting. I would firmly stand by the facts for one starting out, but I am not in therapy right now.

Right now, I just write, and you notice I haven’t written in a long time (if you look back at my old postings). Yet I am proud to say that I hit the 200 posts mark, and my posts can be verrrrrrrrry long.

What am I blubbering about? Don’t listen to me and if you are suffering from anything, illness or otherwise, get therapy because you will (if you get a good consular) count down the days to your next appointment. I just ran out one year and haven’t taken the initiative to start back up. I guess I should… but it is too late today. YAWN.

Good day, good bye, ta ta. Ba-bye

More for today!

I’m chatting a little while I’m talking to you know so if I seem even more like I have A.D.D. forgive me. In reality when I was younger I had a focus that very strong. That is how I did well in school. Science most of all just captivated me. I was amazed by the ‘possible lies’ that were thought to me. After all, people used to believe that you could tell if a person would be a criminal by the shape of their head and facial features. Isn’t it comforting thinking that you can explain things with formulas? Once you experience something impossible this foundation cracks.

So I turned away from Science and faced another world to that of Tarot, but at the same time my religion frowned upon this. So the war that used to be between Science and Religion (some think this war still exists) was taken up by me in the form of Magic vs Religion. Religion was makes it seem Magic is possible, but it would be more correct to look at it as miracles not Magic. Magic is something humans can call upon and control while in Religion we can only ask for aid.

I wonder if my ancestors ever visit me? My ancestors include a Nun and Monsignor or two. They would be happy to see me, as a Catholic too wouldn’t they? Would they understand that old need I used to have to connect something supernatural, or when I was in love to know if I was loved back? To ask, “Am I going to fail this course (which I would pass with an A or B in the end)?”

Somehow I stopped caring. I don’t need to know the future I’ll just follow the wave that is life. Who needs to connect the supernatural, I’ll have forever to do that, and I only will be alive now. Unless we are reborn on Earth in which case I still have a lot of time so why rush.

Somehow for a while I lost my nervousness and I didn’t know how to drive myself without nerves. Yet today I do feel like using Tarot cards… not to see the future, but to touch the other side.

I was always… I could quite say envious, but awed and looking up to those Saints that where about to see God. I wanted God, Jesus, Mary, Angels or other holy things to become visible to me. If I could see this I would know that I would be guided by God and I could go out and help the world. I could take the risk of not going to college, and living a life of what I had been taught in Religious class, but the holy never became visible to me.

So I went to art school. I wanted to get into the University so much and I felt that art was the only way that I could get in. My plan was to transfer to LSA if it didn’t work out, but I just settled. I didn’t go on the journey of ‘what do I want to become.’ I just stayed with what others said I was good at, and now I’m done with art school, and I feel that I am not a good enough artist to continue in the field. My Professors tell me I am good at writing. So I write.

My sister R. disagrees with me, but writing is something that flows in my genes. My siblings T., A., and R. are all praised as wonderful writers, and somewhere along the way I was praised. I am told I have a unique voice… that is certainly true, but that doesn’t make me good… yet. I would need to work on it a little more.

More Matcha Please

Tea. Matcha. That is a green tea that I made a big deal about getting. Somehow tea is one of those things that both calms me and wakes up my mind. Just a little and I have gone from, “Oh, I want to go back to bed.” to “I want to write about tea!” If I were a scientist studying moods and possible new ways to fight Bipolar disorder I would have no end of things to look into. It is because I have a sensitive brain that can pick up on the slightest change. I think I am going to make more tea. I will be back soon.

All I need to do now is wait for the tea to cool a little. This makes two days now. Two days of normal sleeping hours! Just 8 hours of sleep, and sure I was a little sleepy when I got up, but writing and tea seem to have given me more energy then I have had in a long time… for those of you who are not filled in (did not read my older posts) at one point I was sleeping up to 16 hours a day because of medication. Sometimes I lose a whole day to sleep, but I can force myself to get up in order to live life a little.

I had a few readers once, but then I posted some stuff I wrote for a humor class (we were talking about how the gross is funny and etc) and I lost a link to my site and at least one person even pulled out of my polls. I have learned my lesson and will keep disgusting humor stuff out of my blog.

I forget why a blog is called a blog. I know it is short for online personal journal, but where did the b come from…?

Hmmm. I had a sudden vision of my brother W. at Borders talking about this. We were in the coffee shop. I like coffee shops. They are of comforting. I almost made up a special espresso drink today with the machine my sister S. left when she moved out of down, but I have forgotten the temp. of the milk. We had everything needed for a homemade vanilla cappuccino, for maybe a caramel latte.

Yummy. Tea is so good. After I run out of this Matcha I cannot afford anymore. I only have one or two cups worth. Goodbye Matcha.

Why is it that Word does not accept the word ‘blog’ as a correct spelling?

Don’t tell me truth hurts little girl, because it hurts like hell. –Underground, David Bowe That is what I have been listening to… the soundtrack to Labyrinth. How I ended up with it is a secret (no shoplifting or internet downloading) can you guess what I did?

Anyway. Look at the time! Based on the lighting I would have never guessed that it was almost 10:00 am. Lately it has been sunny, but it looks like today is cloudy and sunny. I want to walk in the park. Yawn. I am not sleepy. It is just I need new music now that Labyrinth is over. Lawrence of Arabia is just on cutting it. MIKA… needs more lyrics. There this one, The Nightmare Before Christmas, will give me two or three songs I like.

Anyway. My room is very clean now. I even packed up my winter clothes. I will have to take them home because it will be cheaper to wash them there and my Mom insisted on storing them for me. La la la la Whats this?

How is it that tea combats that weird feeling in my brain? That dull feeling. That feeling like I am still asleep. I know it has caffeine but pops (sodas) don’t do this. Oh no. I need some more songs! You might find out that it takes me time and a half to read because of medication. Plus, I have always been a slow typer.

Oh if you can find it the song Calculus Girl in the album skaflaskes by the ninjas do so. I love the lyrics, and the band has personality. Lets see if I can find it for you. Ahhh! I cannot find it!

There I got a few good snaps out of my back. Just a little yoga in the morning can really help the back. It is amazing how good yoga can make ones back feel. I didn’t realize that my back was upset, but after some yoga it became happy, and I wasn’t even doing the back relief yoga poses.

Do you know what is funny? The only thing that gets upset when I do yoga is my feet. For some reason they start to hurt. My poor feet are always upset. As I walk uphill they will start to hurt and then my legs will start to hurt and then everything goes numb.

…I’ve just looking at my bunny mug. It has a handle with a bunny on it ears popping out. On the mug is a picture of two bunny’s dressed up with hats going towards a church with no cross on it so maybe I am just imaging they are going to Easter mass. It cost me about 25 cents in a thrift store. The casher agreed that it was a keeper.

Lets see. I have to matching Halloween mugs, one Christmas one, one Easter one, and my sister (and roommate) has a valentines one. So I need the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. (I think that New Years is too cheesy and falls under the category of Christmas.)

I used to think that when you where reading in class you where supposed to silently let people read the parentheses on their own, so when I skipped over them my English teacher got all mad at me. “YOU DON’T JUST SKIP THE PARENTHESES!” said the evil English teacher. I, however, was surprisingly unaffected and barely even looked up. You would think that a teacher blowing up over even such a small thing would upset a shy student like me.

Yesterday's (Sunday's) post

I have the habits of a recluse, but at the same time I love people. It is just given the chance (and with little money) I shelter myself inward, into my room. I read the anime Deathnote (I’m not ruining the story you can figure this out in the first few pages), and I thought if I had a death note (a notebook that the names written in it die) I would never write in it, I would burn it, but then I thought of the most wanted list. The people that are so dangerous the world wants them dead or alive.

Would it be any different then going to war and killing people to take out the most wanted? From then on wouldn’t it be a slippery slope down to what Light was doing?

This said, the anime Inuyasha (in the manga form not TV) is almost done. After years of waiting I will know the end. What a relief. Oh and unlike some TV series that follow the manga page by page and word by word Naruto does not.

Should I wake up (call) my sister yet… is she sleeping? Is she too busy to go to mass?

Ok. While I was doing other stuff she called. Lets see my mind has woken up considerably, which would make more sense if I hadn’t deleted a big bit of writing about how my brain feels because I decided not to be melancholy again. I’m going outside. See ya. … I guess I will stay a little bit more and confess that it is a little bit hard for me to write something that isn’t melancholy. Habit I guess.

***

His dark black hair was short and to the point. There he was kneeling in that hall with an enormous ceiling and clear light all around. His last day, but he was prepared for in case it was not. Big birds flew up in the rafters, human birds looking like angels. They were the only birds the only sounds that filled the air anymore, but now they were silent waiting for the end of a man.

***

I’m trying to switch the yellow plug in my head from input to output. It just takes so much effort to create. Oh... I’m back from mass. Something inside of me wants a restful sleep. You know, the type that would come in the middle of a field… if there were a bed and few bugs. The warm air replacing the need for a blanket, but there are cotton sheets to snuggle in. The sun might be up, but you have sun tan lotion on and it doesn’t matter you can just sleep until you are full.