la de la

What can I say? Perhaps I should have picked a Senior Project that has an end. Then I could get done and feel done. It is not that I do not have my memoir (not on this blog). I am waiting for feed back right now, but of course life gives either too much or to little of it. My back feels wonderful this week. It is amazing what a little Yoga can do, other then making the shoulders tender. My poor feet, they even a little hurt when I was doing Yoga, but this time it was in the toes. I wondered, “I am not standing on my toes. Why are they complaining?”

I had a sudden vision of Spiderwick. Was it in a dream or was it something that popped into my head while I was trying to sleep last night? My cellmate created a movie that everyone puts on the headphones and laughing along with. I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve seen only bits and pieces of it.

When I went to my pDoc I was told that Zoloft was causing metabolism changes (bad ones), and there would have to be a stand off between my physical health and my mental health.

Ahh!!! I knew this would happen. In fact I prayed for it. I prayed that my health would get in the way so much that I would be forced to go off my medication. Why? Because I wanted to go off my medication, but was too afraid to try.

I no longer want to go off my medication. Depression is not fun, and I have discovered that without my medication I would have to face it. This is not the only thing that changed my mind there is much more. Mainly fear.

So I was told to eat a protein rich diet. Which to me translates as meat, beans & rice, and milk. I guess all dairy products count. Oh, and those vegans who only will have sex with other vegans stay away from me because I am going to go back to meat. Not that I stopped eating it, but I stopped consciencely eating it. Oh and my ban on bananas is over. Didn’t know I had one did you?

I’ve had my first cholesterol packed beef, bean, rice, and cheese burrito ever since I concluded that it was what was making my cholesterol high. Today I concluded that one burrito isn’t going to kill me. One every week might. One sweet isn’t the end of the world, but unlike burritos where I am satisfied for months after splurging on one sweet it leads to another.

Oh my, what language is coming from another studio right now, I will not repeat. Still doesn’t stem my craving for sweets. Protein rich diet. I want a liquid filled diet as well. Ohhh. Liquid. Why so thirsty. Yet I refuse to buy water, and everything is all sugary, except milk, but milk doesn’t go with cholesterol filled burritos. It is a little too much. Tea…I am welling to spend money on tea, or flavored water (not vitamin water that has sugar). Ohhh. So thirsty. Let me see. Yes! Yes! I have a flavored water in my bookbag!

Now if only I could place this feeling in my back shoulder.

Today is the day that I might try that Fuji water. It will not take long to bus over to Barnes and Noble and I think that the farther I get from home today the more likely I am to make it though. Borders or Barnes and Noble: Tea (tried and modestly priced) or Water (expensive and never tried before). Or perhaps I could just go home. I slept so well last night. I was so refreshed when I awakened.

How did the Dragon in, The Hobbit, move all the treasure into one main room if he was too big to walk through the mountain city?

In the Mean Kitty song on youTube the dudes over mits totally just disappear when he is outside of the bathroom.

I was just looking (not listening) at the Mean Kitty song trying to play what he was saying in my head.

There you have it. What four years of college give you, a being an in-depth look at a book and a music video. An awesome music video.

There I have typed my way through the sleepiness that came with my stomach trying to handle all that protein rich fatty food. I think.

Now I am enjoying the shadow of my hand across the sliver of my computer. I’m staring at how for a little bit the shadow seems brighter then the computer in full light. The cut up table on which my elbows rest is cut into with hundreds of Exacto knifes all in straight lines. They intersect so much that it looks like Jack Frost attacked the table.

My Old Navy scarf mainly purple with golden thread sewn in rest on top of my college branded sweatshirt waiting for that day when I do not dress warmly enough. A pair of professional striped pants and shirt for an emergency interview along with a pink and flowery Easter bonnet also graces the table. A wooden jewelry box with a Japanese Temple curved into it is sanded to look old has been on the table a while now. Inside the box are two sets of Tarot cards warped in silk. A black pleather clutch sized purse’s long strap hangs off the table.

“I wish I had time to do this.” All the things I didn’t get to do for my senior project, yet no worries. I have time. All I need is a video camera with a firewire cable. All the sound quality that comes with the equipment offered in college will be gone, but I can produce sound quality good enough for the normal computer with just a video camera.

It will not be the same as if I could freelance, because I cannot freelance. I need insurance. Now and forever. I am not the first person who has had to face the reality of their own limitations.

Nine more days

I’m picturing a bagel and cream cheese. My stomach doesn’t go on vacation when the end of the semester gets closer. I’ve known students who live off chips. Oh, I am so hungry that even through I do not deserve it I’m off to get food.

Not quite yet through. There I switched hats. I’m wearing an Easter Bonnet now. It is much lighter on the head then my winter hat. My winter hat fits so snugly that it fit the younger people in my family years ago when their heads were smaller.

Today is the day that I see my pDoc. Oh, I have to go and get a bagel now.

Not quite yet through. I need to wait to see if anyone stops by my studio. I only have to wait a short amount of time. I think.

Do you think that he will stop over here (the Prof)? Nope he walked on by. Walk on by. Walk on by.

I wonder if this Snapple Immunity drink works, or is it like Airborne. (ie Airborne was like snake oil… it never worked). Looking around Walgreen’s now Airborne is on crazy sells, but it doesn’t work, so why are they selling it? Isn’t that against what should be pharmacy ethics?

My cell mate (person in the studio across from me) has been away for breakfast a long time now.

I get to see my pDoc! Not everyone who has a mental illness has this honor. I am blessed with Middle classiness while others walk the streets in suffering (and coldness) self-medicating so others look down on them, but in reality they are ill and cast aside as I would be without my family.

I get to see my pDoc today! This is a rare occasion. It has been months and months. So very long, I saw her last right when the term started. I do not have a ride to get there…there is no bus that goes out there. Bus I can take a bus a part of the way and walk the rest. I’ve walked back before. Its just I would need to know, because it takes some time to do the walking.

Even though I can talk to you. I cannot focus on my Senior Project. It is a good thing that this is a part of my Senior Project. Nine days. @$#%. Just calm down. I’ve done this kind of thing so many times now. I’ve wrapped up Projects in less time. In this time I could do a whole video. Shaped and edited. All I need to do. All I need to do is edit. God help me I need to edit.

The Tree of Yoga

I found a wonderful Book, The Tree of Yoga. A world famous yoga teacher wrote it…in 1988, but do no think it is out of date because such books do not become out of date. It was B.K.S. Iyengar who wrote the book. What I love about the book is how its title alone (not even counting the rest of the book) supports a part of my Senior Project.

I have decided to take you on a journey. A journey of my mind. A journey that yes includes my path in dealing with my illness, my idea on how to fight the stigma of mental illness and try to find ways in which to fight this illness along with my medication, but this is not the limit of my journey. You will stumble around with me as I walk through the world of Senior Projects trying to find illumination, illumination through meditation.

You might wonder why Yoga and fighting the stigma of mental illness go together, but as taught in the book, the point is not withdrawing from society, but being an example for society. If you do not drink alcohol and your friends ask you to go out to drink alcohol with them tell them you will go with them, but will not drink alcohol. That is what the book says anyway.

I am not done reading the book yet; right now it is comparing the different parts of Yoga to the different parts of a tree. To me the tree of yoga has to be a Bonsai tree, because it is a tree of such art and care.

A certain passage in the book stood out to me (a number of them did). “I am within and I am without.” This is about being a part of society and yet being different in that you do not drink alcohol. It is not the meaning that stood out to me, but it triggered a memory. When I was locked into a small room at the mental hospital I came to the conclusion that my sin in life had always been locking myself in. I had stayed in my house more then I should have, I had spent too much time reading/watching/drawing in my room and I had willingly walked into this small little room. This is interesting in of in itself, but when I got out of the mental hospital I was laying in a bed and I heard in my head, “She used to lock herself in now she is locking herself out.”

I am locking myself in again today. I have decided to stay and work instead of going with a big group to a reuse center to get furniture for our Senior Studios.

The first step of my journey is in clay. I am buying 100 seeds to put into the refrigerator until they spout life. At that point in their journey they will need pots. I could buy 100 pots (if I count my eggs before they hatch), or I could make them one by one. Making the pots would look better, and be cheaper then buying them.

I am afraid however that this is a project that will take time to grow.

For new readers (that would be almost everyone) I am trying to grow Bonsai trees and transferring through meditation the essence of my medication (I have Bipolar disorder) into the roots of the tree. I have some left over medications from changes in my cocktail, and someone suggested that I use real medication. I am really looking to transfer just the essence, but I will think about this.

I will also be creating the essence of new medications by planting seeds. I may not have the education to create my own medications to battle the world’s illnesses, but for those who want to be cured, I can send positive energy their way.

Waiting for English class

Two red squares on a white and gray floor. Two shades of gray. Spacked. Reflective. Upside down. A few scattered late students walking into classes flip fops. One stops to ask the time…11:42. A ringing necklace in the shape of a heart, golden. My class, “The Art of Memory” got out early again. We have a homework assignment. I think that I can actually look forward to the class. With this Professor I usually zone out of a couple seconds (as I can do) and I can never pick up the topic again, but today I understood everything. All zoned in. I think I will always show up early to this class. There is such a big time gap between the two classes. Time to pack myself up, refuel, work on assignment, and do everything in my power to make a post.

My sister came into town yesterday. It was party time! My parents drove in, I did card readings, and we ate good food.

I would like to inform you that even if I do not chose the Growth of Medication through Meditation project; I will still be getting a Bonsai tree. It’s just the project will be on hold, I will be silently transferring the essence of one medication Zyprexa Zydis. I will however keep you updated on my quest for the perfect Bonsai tree. Here is my list,

Chinese Wisteria– Geodon (seems nice, but is invasive)
Chinese Elm – Zyprexa Zydis (a serious looking tree for a serious medication)
Risperdial – Japanese White Pine (same)
Abilify –Japanese Red Maple (seems light and cheerful)
Luthium – Serissa (is hard to maintain, with lithium you have to get just the right levels)
Limictal – Ficus (I’m not sure about this one, this tree seems to fit with Luthium being Serissa they both seem to be different kinds of trees then the others which they are different medications)

Topamax –some kind of mint (mint is light on calories and Topamax is for weigh loss)
Zoloft – Lavender (refreshing and cheerful)
Broprotion – basil (for same reasons as Topamax, but this medication tastes different)
Ambien- Lilacs (Lilacs close at night, and Ambien is a sleeping pill)

So this is my list as it stands now, if I were to continue with this project.

Balance

Balance
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow…

I go back to college tomorrow. I will finally know which project is the winner, if any at all. I think…I think…I think that I am as ready as I am going to be. I am kind of at a stand still. In my option I have three very good ideas, and it is a toss up as to which one will be crowned. I just cannot force myself to get ready. I want to go get coffee.

Lets see. I am in a bright place right now. The windows are open and the light is bouncing all around.

Time has past. I helped my sister move stuff back into her room and we (two of my sisters and myself) went out to eat. Now the sun is down and I have thoroughly added many, many calories to my day, calories and caffeine. I need to find my alarm clock. I will be back. Oh no, I cannot find my alarm clock. What to do, what will I do? I did however find my Pria PowerBars while I was looking for my alarm, I somehow came to think that I had thrown them out thinking it was an empty box. But now I can rest assured that I did indeed throw out an empty box.

A good wind is blowing my way. The biggest distraction I have ever faced in my life, college, is coming back again. I hope that I can find a job that distracts me this much without sending me overboard.

This year I feel like a rebel. I want to do test the limits of my illness. So alcohol will make me sleepy how much will a little bit of wine put me out? So staying up all night will make me manic…are you sure about that? Isn’t this medication supposed to do the work for me why do I have to do anything different? Why can’t I have green tea after 12 it just has a little caffeine in it. What chocolate has caffeine as well I thought everyone was saying these things are good for you. Why do I have to take a step back from life and avoid stress? Why can’t I go running with the bulls? Why do you keep telling me to exercise, eat right, be healthy and blah blah blah blah blah.

I am standing on the edge of life, trapped between enjoyment and boredom. Everything seems so real so beautifully and dully real. It is all a matter of how I choose to look at a thing. In the end I just don’t care anymore. I’ve grown into quite an adult, but I would rather still look at the world with my childish eyes. They saw just as deeply. I wish I could see that way again. I really do, but here I am. I the wine that has finally started to pull itself together. I the freshwater fish who is cast into the ocean. I the woman seating in the blue Lazy-Boy chair a slivery computer in her lap, fingers slowly moving in a calming rhythm.

So close to the judgement

I have finally settled into my nest in Ann Arbor. I have been so busy the last few days. I had a new roommate to talk to, a new room to organize, a whole family that hadn’t seen me in a long time, and a coffee shop with wonderful Green Tea that need visiting. I had a loft to assemble; yes I did finally find a loft. It is a good thing I came back to Ann Arbor before my Mother wanted me to. Lets see what have I been doing… what have I been doing… I have been getting very nervous about the upcoming school year. So many big things will be happening, and after my dull, slow summer, it will be a sudden shock to my system. I guess I will take things in stride.

What to say, what to say, last year I was afraid I could not make it though college having Bipolar disorder around this time of year. This year I wish that time would just stop, that I wouldn’t have to go back. Then my mind starts to wonder and I end up thinking about… never mind. Two people at the University might be visiting my website soon, so I best take things slow. If you want to find out what was on my mind read though the other posts, it is not that hard to guess. Or at least it isn’t hard for me to guess, because I know already.

Oh, it is time for me to check Craigslist. There done. I only saw one thing of interest.

Why do I have to do this? Why is it so important to go to college? A very big part of me is saying, “No just get a job and never go back,” but I refuse to give up. I see this Senior Project as being the ultimate stressor. I am supposed to avoid stress, and based on how I am getting ready for the project (God help me there, in fact God help me with this whole thing) things are not looking good. This is something I have to get through that will be a challenge, and I will have limitations that other college students do not have. I need according to my Doctor at least eight hours of sleep every night.

It is fine for me to go into the Senior Project a little unprepared as long as I get my act together afterwards. All right. I set forth on a journey, yet again. My first journey was to college, and that pavement was cracked by Bipolar disorder. Now I already have my mind set on two of the projects, and I don’t care which one wins out. The third is a sideshow in comparison. It seemed like a good idea at the time, not so good now. I wonder if that is the way I will feel about all of my projects, no matter which one I choose.

It is so peaceful here. I can faintly taste the espresso on my lips, the espresso I would make if I received that job at Beansters. I wish. I don’t think I will get the job, because the first day I had a job at Mujo I was setting and waiting for the bus to take me to North Campus, and it never came. I was a freshman, and I didn’t know that the bus routes changed over the weekends. I was in a panic, and I took the whole thing as a sign that I wasn’t’ ready to work and go to college at the same time. Because I called and said I couldn’t work there, the manager made a note to never hire me again. My sister works there. On U of M job applications there is a place to put any relatives that work in the University, so I have to put down her name. They see the name, call Mujo, hear about me never showing up for the first day, and throw out my application. Wonderful isn’t it.

A Spider that Wanted to Fly

I am back to Ann Arbor now. I have hung up my clothes and opened my windows. Now is the time when I need to get my project proposals in order… hmmm. What can I say? This whole Online Journal is really getting ready for one big project proposal. It is kind of like testing the waters. Is it too cold? Would I like to spend countless hours doing this? The answer is yes of course. Of all my project ideas this one holds the most promise of unrelenting passion. This project proposal is like being asked to run cross country after only having run 100 meter dashes. I have to be careful…very careful.

I’m so happy to be back. Lets see… yes I need to do that, and that, and that as well. I need to check out what books I need. If my old job will take me back. I need to print out an example of my old views of ‘What is a Blog?’ You know to show what I used to think. Oh, and maybe I could make a new one. Yes that is what I will do! You know what I really would like to do for my project? Well other then the Online Journal idea. I believe that the success of a website depends on it being dynamic and have variety. To me the success of an Online Journal is how it provides for its audience. Yes. I am another person with a web page. Yes this page contains the same alphabet that so many other web pages use. Yes, I am another artist, who will sooner or later start putting some art online again. Just you wait and see. If this is the project that I chose…I will makes something powerful.

I am sure if a did a couple cha chas and jumped in circles the sky would open up and grab all my candy. That is right, I have a bag of beautiful little round candies that are ever so nice. If you dance like a Furby maybe I will give you some. Either that are a hippopotamus will come and swallow me whole.

I do not like Green Pears and Mares. I do not like them Pumpkin Seal I am. The End.

Does this make any sense?

Senior Project Three
This is a project about creating a spiritual space within me, as me, and around me. I will use meditation (yoga, and tai chi) to form my inter space, and use tools like Tarot cards and growing and shaping Bonsai trees to direct this space into the world around me.

I will read the spreads of the Tarot cards and come up with stories based on the cards, and at the same time I will be creating my own personal motif for each card. An unopened flower just waiting to bloom, for example, could symbolize the fool card. In the end I would have such an understanding of the cards I would be able to take these motifs and do artwork based on spreads without the clutch of a story to get things rolling.

As I am growing an understanding of the deck of tarot cards I will be slowly shaping from seeds many Bonsai trees. In this I am taking a risk, I have never dealt with trees before, and I am hoping that they grow well and strong and do not die on me. I will be keeping the trees on the Balcony of my apartment (or in my room with a florescent light) As for the artwork based on the trees, when they are seeds (or even small plants) I would draw/paint pictures of what I expected them to look like, and what I expected them to see once they grow big. In a way this is just as much about predicting the future as the Tarot cards are, only I am not using the cards to predict the future, as many would expect me to.

I will also be making the pots to hold the Bonsai, or at least to move them to in the future, and I will name each Bonsai. I would have a Bonsai for every kind of medication I have been on because of the intimate relationships that I have had with my medications (they having once been inside me unlike anything a human can be). My medication has nurtured me, enabling me to face the world the way a person a mental disorder could not in the past and now it is time for me to nurture my medications.

Each medication will grow as scientists learn from old medications to make new better ones. Zyprexa Zydis (an antipsychotic) will be lift in the dust, but the Bonsai tree will only grow stronger. Frozen in time, a memory of today’s wonders and limitations. We know so little about the brain right now that our medications might be rather stone aged, and have side effects we do not see. People used to believe that animals were clockwork machines after all.

What will Zyprexa Zydis see in the future? How will brain medications evolve? How will emotions be looked at in the future? Will any elevation up or down, even a slight little bit be considered a problem? Will all today’s pain and suffering be replaced with smiles? Perhaps someone will invent a way to keep the entire population in a controlled, safe, manic like state.

It is important for me to come to grips with my medication when thinking of my spiritual self because it courses through my veins, and is ever so close to me.

I can count to three!

I am walking along the edge. I, for the first time in my life, want to start having small amounts of wine every now and then, but I know that if I go too far I will lose my chance of ever being better. This is because alcohol will destroy the effectiveness of my antidepressants and make me very sleepy.

I would like to talk about my lack of motivation. I just don’t understand it. I have the biggest project in my whole life (so far) right in front of me and I cannot master the well power to face it. I have fallen back into the hole. I need an artist statement. I need to start getting the wheels rolling and pull out the oil (coffee) to take care of all the squeakiness. I have a little over a week to get everything together and my mind… my mind just feels blank. I am able to function talk, eat, smile, be overly upset, but my passion at the moment is lacking. A senior last year said in a presentation that you are going to hit the water and you either sink or swim…or something like that. I cannot explain this worry that comes from my inability to…that is it. It is high time I start doing something other then complaining.

Senior Project Idea One
Webtastic

The propose of this first project is to utilize the act of creating a Personal Web Journal in order to understand what a successful Online Journal involves.

Normal journaling is a journey for oneself, a way to collect thoughts, and make since of life, and it success depends on how well it accomplishes these endeavors, but very moment that a Journal becomes public its definition changes.

I ran into the question of the purpose of an Online Journal my first year in college, and came to the conclusion that a lot of the success of the Online Journal depended on whether anyone actually visited the site. I concluded that the best way to get people to visit a site was posting daily, creating a weird sense of humor, and having a picture with every post. A very simple conclusion I might add, and far away from the truth. I have tested this hypothesis and discovered that it is far from true.

I now plan a full out attack on the Web. I will use video, audio, art, creative writing, a local twist, and a personal touch. I will do interviews, and research topics.

Senior Project Idea Two
S. F. S. (Students Fighting Stigma)

This project would focus on creating a student group created with the propose in mind of using their skills (individually or in a group) to combat the stigma attached to mental illness. I myself would be doing video pieces from the members that are willing to create a great be mix of people talking only to show that they all are affected by mental illness at the end.

This group would also be about providing support, and information to students who need it.

Senior Project Idea Three…I will get back to this later.

Hello to you wonderful people at Google who secretly watch over websites that have Google ads.

I know you are there. I am not crazy in this. I just don’t know how much you monitor the sites out there. If you are reading this then I would like to say thank you. Right now, other then my family, you are my only audience.

My Grandmother used to think that there were microphones in the walls of her house so that the government could listen in. In case there is some huge government organization that keeps end eye on the web, I would like to thank you as well. You have a huge job in front of you, and you must work long hard hours, and don’t worry. I am Bipolar so one would believe if I told anyone that I thought the Internet was tapped.

To my rather small audience Act One will be ending soon, and I will be moving on to Act Two. It is my hope that I will be able to develop an audience during Act Two, and I am looking forward to the whole experience. It will be very hard, and I am just trying to make it through.

It is strange straggling to put together a dynamic wishlist, when I need none of the things listed. I figure that because I am stuck in the material world I might as well appreciate some material things.

I should be putting my plan for the Senior Project together, but I am not, and that is too bad.

I have three ideas.
1) The student group that will be run by me. The group will be for the purpose of fighting the stigma of mental illness.
2) A website, made by me, much like this one only with podcasts and/or youTube videos from interviews with people on the topic of mental illness, and other such information.
3) Developing my inter eye, through the use of Tarot cards, and doing art work based on the cards and spreads.

Sound like a plan? Not really.

Everything from A to T (art to tea)

All is well. I need to start getting my Senior Project Plans in actuality. I need something visible and solid conceptually. I woke up with energy today after the average amount of sleep so I am hopeful that I will continue along this road. This last medication change took the wind out of me for a long time, I wish I could have slept as much the summer when I was depressed. That is beyond the point. I need to focus on the road head of me right now, because my past has been holding me back for too long.

I don’t know what I will become. I look at what I am now and how much stronger I am and there is only one-way to go. The tree does not withdraw its roots. I was right to choose to go to the art school that I did, because it offered a different kind of challenge, one outside of what can be learned in textbooks. It is a hands on, brains on, trail and error process. I feel I am more equipped for a dynamic workplace because of the diverse challenges that I have faced.

Ever since I have been in the Art school I have heard students bad mouthing it, but for me, so far, it has been exactly what I needed. My art school is very conceptually based, but that is wonderful, because you can find highly skilled art teachers all around, but developing your own view of the world that can also be expressed in words is much harder to find. So what I say is to learn the things on which you can build a lifetime both technically and conceptually. It is from this point that you can find all the books, and all the art teachers that your heart needs.

Education is something that you should never cast aside thinking you are too old. I may not be living the live of a professional artist, but I will be around exploring, sharing, and creating. God must have had a wonderful time molding the world, all the little details that pop up at you and make you think wow. Sigh.

I made a wishlist on Amazon and filled it with expensive things, but on reflecting I need none of it. Some of them would take away the fun of the hunt. By hunt I mean looking on Craigslist and at thrift store for particular items at a cheap price. What I want is out there somewhere for cheap and I will find it. I think I will modify the list a little. Maybe, maybe not.

I am thinking of building a Loft bed. It shouldn’t be that hard. All I need are the plans. I have no problem sleeping close to the ceiling (I did it my freshmen year in the dorms), and I think that it would be wonderful to have the little space underneath for a desk. I could put curtains up hanging from the ceiling to block out light so my blinds can always be open. I will have to do this slowly over time, but I think it will be a wonderful idea.

As you can tell from my babbling I have had four cups of coffee. I made two for my Mother, but I forgot until it was cool and she does not like cool coffee like I do. I am strange in that way. Me, I only sip on tea until it is about room temperature, which takes a long time. I used to solve this problem by adding cool milk, but then my sister told me of a study that said milk neutralizes the benefits of tea, and that is why the English do not have the same tea benefits as those in Asian countries.

Now I am washing down my four cups of coffee with Fuze Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng. Ginseng is good for you brain. I think it is for memory, right. Fish Oil (and Flaxseed Oil) for mood stabilization (and fighting depression), and St Johns Wort Tea for fighting depression (in small doses if you are Bipolar). These are all good things.

We have a tree in are yard that when its leaves, or more likely its roots (or both) are boiled you can make Root Beer. Not important, just thought you should know. Here I will post a link so you can see my two cats. Here is Gazelle and here is Cecilia. My sister took the pictures and made the entries and everything. She is a wonderful Blogger, very skilled. She has been at it for years.

I am outside again with my two cats beside me on the deck, with is why I started to talk about trees. I myself want a Bonsai tree for my birthday. I have told my Mother this, I also added a flowering one. I don’t know of many places in Michigan that would sell them, but I am leaving my family the challenge. I have wanted a Bonsai for a long time, will I wanted to have a actual tree that I would get the seed of and grow it slowly moving it to bigger pots until it could be planted in my yard when I get a house, but now I am not sure if I will ever want a house, maybe I will, maybe I will not.

I have a feeling that something good is going to happen to Michigan’s economy and Pfizer is going to regret leaving Ann Arbor. It might be all the caffeine talking, but it will be like one of my professor dreams (I interviewed her for a project) where I think it was water or wind sweep trough Detroit like the roots of a tree. If something good is going to happen in Detroit that might mean a prosperous change in American Automobiles, and because it spread like the roots of a tree it will be eco-friendly.

One that note, this is beginning to be a very long post indeed see what coffee does to me, have you heard of the Heidelberg Project. It is about Art and Detroit, but not just any art you should have a look. You see the main star of the Heidelberg Project is Tyree Guyton, and he transformed some of the run down homes in Detroit into works of art. He also works with children, and has become an important part of the community. He, however, is just one part of the Project. It comes from Germany. It’s big news, if old news, in Detroit. Something to make a city proud, because despite all the challenges faced with the horrible Michigan economy people live on, so art lives on.

I am not implying that there would be no art if there were no people. Remember the big buzz long ago about Cats painting?

There are no Cats allowed in my Apartment in Ann Arbor. Once again I will have to leave them at home. I plan on traveling somewhere next summer, going somewhere new getting a job, maybe an internship and being free of the state I love.

Michigan is beautiful. The whole world is. Sometimes I just stare at the light coming in and wonder if I really did die in good to heaven. At other times I will wonder if I am forever trapped in hell. You know that saying about making a Hell of Heaven and a Heaven of Hell. When I was in the Mental Hospital I really did think I was in hell, but I decided to fight it, by being nice to others, and praying to God. As terrified as I was I was also hopeful in my faith.

While I believe in God. I believe that God made people faithful, so that in their worst hour they can find something to hold on to. There was something I was asked while in-group, it was about me so I can say it, I was asked if I missed mania, and I said, “No. I was terrified. I was psychotic and I knew it, but that did change my delusions and fears. It only added to it.” I didn’t really explain it that will, but I wish I had.

My family was told that I wouldn’t remember what had happened while I was insane, I wouldn’t remember basking in the sun and saying to another inmate that I was like a cat. (I didn’t think I was a cat. I just thought that I was doing what cats do.) I wouldn’t remember trying to open the door time after time hoping that it had been lift unlocked. I will speak no more of this now. I will tell you the details later.

I feel good, but my thoughts are not racing. I should go and take my Fish Oil now. I forgot it earlier. Be back soon.

Ok. I think starting to take the Fish Oil again is starting to pull me out of that depression I was in. I can feel it in my brain. Somehow it feels more controlled, and after my stomach got used to taking it the Fish Burps disappeared (if you take Fish Oil you will now what I mean). I am still taking both Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil, you can read other posts to figure out why.

Anyway, as interesting as my welfare and stability is lets try to find another topic. How about the wonders of Green tea? That’s right I should start a new poll…which is best Green, Red, White, or Black tea. Nah, if you have read this far please comment, because I would like to imagine someone will read this someday.

Making a dent?

I was so caught up in watching Naruto that I almost forgot to post…lets see. I have a cat by my side and a smile on my face. It is comforting that small little things like Naruto can still make me smile. I am too serious most of the time. If you have Bipolar disorder and you are feeling blue because all the evidence you find on the web of people still suffering from their sickness take hope. Those who speak out are those who have issues, those who are content often stay quiet.

I myself am getting better everyday. I can feel it. I told my sister it was the slippery slope. “The slippery slope Upward?” She asked. “Yes” She said I should do my Senior Project on the slippery slope upwards. Who knows maybe I should put some thought into it.

I am wondering what exactly is expected of me on this website… what position am I filling? Don’t say that I am writing it all for myself, because if that were the case I would be writing in a notebook. What do you want to see: cat pictures with every post, random stories, or interviews?

I am trying to make a bent. Here before me is the vastness of the world, and I am wondering what I can do to get you attention. Should I try to be funny, creative, twisted, or troubled?

Smile. All this doesn’t change the fact that I have a cat sleeping happily beside me, and good music to listen to. I should close my eyes (not to sleep) and enjoy the moment just like my kitty knows to do.

Empty shell

How may I open my soul up to you today? I am getting my blood taken today. It will be tested for a number of things.

I am back. My blood has been taken and I can just imagine a very happy vampire drinking it down and writing whatever is wrong with it. Kidding. I have a smile on my face and good food in my belly. I consider these wonderful things. Even if I would like to sleep every single hour of the day, it is good to be up. The weather is so nice that I am ashamed to have missed so much of it.

Much like I stated in my last post, I am ashamed to sleep as much as I do, but am beginning to think that it might be something other then a character fault. Here is crossing my fingers and hoping that I am right.

How can I explain this horrible feeling that I have at times. I am slowly going into a panic over my Senior Project. Not over lack of ideas, but having to work out three plans to present the first day back. When this panic sets in I feel unmotivated and want to just give up on everything, even the waking world. So I give up on being awake and sleep even more.

After having the ideas eliminated temporally from my brain paranoid thoughts are pushing there way in again. I will not tell you the nature of these thoughts because I am too paranoid at the moment to revel them, but even with as paranoid as I can be, I have trouble keeping things secret for long.

I used to be so content. I never really questioned things the way that I do now. To me as a child all textbooks held great truths that I could master if only I could motivate myself to start reading all those college textbooks that my mother held onto. I never talked myself into teaching myself the great knowledge hidden in those book, but I still wonder what would have happened if I had tried.

There were many things that I planed on doing when I was a child. I was going to be a great artist, a great writer, a great number of things. Yet here I am my motivation worn thin and my passion for life sometimes opaque. Before my passion shinned like the light off a dragonfly. It feels as if it was stolen from me. It feels as if my very soul has been ripped away, and I am left an empty shell. The medication feels like it is keeping demons from taking home in the absence. Yet it makes no difference to me. I am but a body, somehow holding on to this world out of love.

What to say, What to say,

Proof reading my last post I found places where it was hard to understand and it did not flow smoothly. I am sorry for this. I hope that my writing skills will improve, even if my sister already says I am a good writer. It might seem unbelievable that I actually proof read, but I never said I was any good at it.

I am staying in Ann Arbor the next couple of days to get my room ready for a sublet. I have a lot of work to do yet. I almost wish that I hadn’t subleted my room, because it would be nice to say and get ready for class to start. I have already missed out on countless things staying with my parents this summer, but I also saved a lot of money.

I want my life under control. I want my mood under control. I need to go to the library and pick up a book. Talk to you later.

I’m back. My trip to pick up that book on natural ways of fighting Bipolar disorder has failed. The book was checked out. I do, however, have it on hold.

I was trying to do some research into ways to stand up and fight instead of seating back and waiting for the medication to work. It is best to work as a team, and I wanted to give you some quality advice on how to do that.

I am sorry that I failed my mission. I will never make it as a ninja warrior. Let me see if I have any feedback on the group yet. No nothing. I took a break to make a flier to put up around campus about the student group. The only way to know if there are people out there who want to be in a group like the one I have planned is to spread the word.

I started a group on Facebook, and am hoping that thee medium spread the word about the new student group like wildfire. It is only a matter of time. This will not be like my other online projects. This is something beyond me. It is something more important, and if I can build up a base of people, and keep them together, and we all have a goal in mind, the goal of fighting the stigma of mental illness, then we could go wonderful things.

I think I have written enough for now. See you.

U of M Depression Center, again

I am in the University of Michigan Depression Center as we speak. My mother is seating right by me talking, and I am once again immuring how absolutely beautiful this building is on the inside. The lighting, the artwork, the seating, if they had a good Internet connection I would gladly take coffee here and use this as a café. If I had Internet I would write an email to the Depression Center explaining the need. If I was to start a club fighting the stigma of mental illnesses I would encourage students to come to the Wednesday meeting for Teen-College Aged persons. I just don’t know if I have what it takes to be the mastermind behind a whole organization. I think there would have to be a website where members could post things related to the subject of mental illness. My mother is now laying down on the sofa resting. She, like me with my medication, can get very tired, but not nearly as bad as I have the curse of tiredness. You know what the student organization sounds like a much better idea then any of my other ones so far. It is not so self-centered and it is a challenge. The trick will be finding people to join my club. What should I call the club? Fighting Stigma. Opening Minds. Creating Understanding.

My sister Theresa thinks that by doing the Club project it would take control out of my hands and make it depend on people who I do not know, or do not exist. That is a good thought, but I think that there would be a demand for the group out there. She also thinks that it is too much work before getting to the art part of it. I think that I will keep this one as an opinion to be introduced at the beginning of the school year. I posted an ad on Craigslist about a new student organization in hopes of getting some feedback. I should also put up fliers around campus.

Topic? I am supposed to write on a topic?

I should be reading Harry Potter right now so I can finally complete the series, but I am not. I am barely into the book. It seems to me that Rowling is taking a long time to get to the action. I’m sure it will pick up soon. I, however, will continue, to your delight you by blabbing on and on about nothing.

I did start out with two goals in mind as are stated in my opening line. (Look at the Binder.) These are the goals that a how loosely danced around and then cast aside, because they are only two parts of who I am.

Who am I? I have a strong narrative voice. Can’t you hear it?

I can stand the heat very well apparently because I am outside cool and happy while the air conditioner is making the inside an ice box. It seem that ever since I went to Florida I’ve had a new definition of hot.

While in Florida, we walked past the Art Deco Beachside in Miami; we stopped at a Starbucks where I had a Green Tea Frap, my favorite Starbucks drink. My sister picked up some Postcards at a visitor center. She collects postcards. We all got a little sun. By all I mean my mother, three sisters, and me. My sister, if I haven’t told you before is a Flight Attendant, which is a much harder job than it sounds; just think of the hours on an overnight flight with babies crying, people drunk, and everything just miserable. Well my sister can handle that and more. She is a professional.

It is just beautiful weather out here and a view as good as anywhere. A deck were the paint is cracked, and a yard with two balls left there from a game. A cat is sleeping on the deck.

Yes, it is run down, but the trees are old as well, old and healthy. There is one of those Red Maple Trees (maybe its call Black Maple I forget) in front of me as the sunlight passes through it you can see a hint of green on the other side. Next to it at a good distance for growth is a normal green maple.

Sure its not the Mountains of Alaska or the Beaches of Florida, but it is quiet.

I like it here, but I still want the school year to come. I am getting nervous, maybe I told you this before, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg with a meatball on top. This year is going to be different from all the rest. It’s that Senor Project I keep on talking about. You know, I’ve talked about this with you before and yet I cannot get my words to match my worry. I want to do what I am doing now. I want to write my way through a topic until all the ends connect. I want to create a complex picture through words. I want to write until I know what to do.

The Blahher

As you might have noticed there are a lot of pictures of cats on my website. Some of the links are interesting and some of them are boring. I think you should check a few of them it will not hurt to get a boring site because you can leave it in a matter of seconds.

I think that it is time for me to start creating pictures of cats on my own, but I do not have a scanner with me so it would take some time before they could be put up on my website.

The school year is slowly creeping up on me and threatening to eat me. I have a nervous energy about the Senior project, but in reality I don’t have much to lose. I tell myself, “You know you tried to kill yourself, school is the least of your troubles. So what if you fail. Who cares? You don’t even want to be alive. What is the difference?”

I wish I could go to Ann Arbor today instead of tomorrow. I don’t feel like exercising right now. I would rather exercise my fingers all day. I think I will take a break from exercising today.

I’m a bit of a loser with: No job, Waves of depression, Waves of no energy, and so on forth. In fact things tend to go in Waves with me. Right now is the Wave of a passion for writing whereas before it was a passion for Tarot cards, and before that walking.

My sister tells me I am a good writer, and she is an English major so she knows what good writing is. I, myself, had a period in my life where I would read anything that was put before me. If I started a book I had to finish it.

I am glad that they are making a movie out of the Golden Compass. It is a wonderful book. I tend to read fantasy, and I tend to write Blah. I am not a Blogger I am a Blahher. I just write with no goal in mind. I think that if I were to ever become a dedicated writer I would have to start with short stories and work my way up to a novel. Believe me when I say that I have a novel’s worth of imaginings.

I don’t know what to say. Saying is such a tedious thing to do. My sister gave me this stone mold of a human face once that is on my wall. Its eyes are closed, but at a distance it looks like they are open. I have an old embarrassingly bad painting on my wall, that I painted in High School. The walls are a baby blue. My father threw an old computer into the room, but otherwise it is how I had left it. There are still the glowing stars on the ceiling that were put up in no order at all.

This is my room. Welcome to it. There are no chairs to seat on so I will have to do the reading on the floor. This will be a short reading. We will focus only on one card.

That card is the Hierophant. It is a time for Tradition. Do not look down upon the things that have been taught to you by your parents, but embrace them to learn what unspoken truth lies underneath. If they are negative beliefs seek outside aid in developing positive Traditions.

Idea for Senior Project

Put all of my energy into creating a Mental Illness Club at the University. The club would be about fighting the stigma of Mental Illness and I would get the word out around campus (ie fillers) for those who suffer or have a loved one who suffers from these illnesses. It would be kind of like the vote NO ON 2 Campaign a student did last year only who would be against fighting the stigma? No one I would like to share air with.

So do I have a plan? Its starting to look like something a little more unique than creating a boring old website. It would be about moving people, moving them to their very core. It could be big. I could get a group of people and draw out their talents and mold them into something beyond what one person could do alone.

If no one joins the group, I will do all the work myself.

Creative Webbing

Today, while walking through Walmart in Florida City, in Florida, I found a pair of shorts. Are you still reading this? You are easily entertained. Other than that after talking with my sister about needing to come up with a twist to the already existing web media, which is what she recommended I do, I came up with the idea of doing interactive creative adventures.

First, I would need an audience, so to build an audience I would do things like Blog, because this interactive creative adventure is going to take place over the web. My sister warned me about using the word Blog, so I will call it Creative Webbing because it isn’t about writing you innermost secrets, but it is about catching flies.

It is like saying, hey come here! Help me do with; share your time with me. Why…? Why would I want to create an interactive adventure? I want to show the world just how creative, strong, and independent thinking a person with a mental disability can be. I would not be doing it just for show though. I will put muscles behind my Webcasting. I use a variety of writing techniques.

It is true that I am in Art school and am not an English major like two of my siblings, so will I add illustrates as I feel they are needed, and if I feel they are proper I will draw makeshift comic books.

This is how it will work. I will start out with a story, short and simple, and ask people comment. I will read the comments and be inspired by them. I will do this until the very last part during which I will pull one Tarot card, and base the ending around it.

The question is, how does a person comments?

When there are on Comments I will use Tarot cards for my inspiration. Hopefully I will not have to do this for long.

The last few days

My Mom always has to have sound around her when she falls asleep; it keeps her thoughts from wondering and keeping her up. It is annoying to share a room with her because the TV always has to be at night. I have to be up at three tomorrow to get to an early morning flight. I was going to type a lot, but my energy is disappearing, so good night, or by the time this is posted good morning.

This is the next day.

The flight went well. I slept through the whole thing. So far I have had Jamba Juice for the first time (I’ve never heard of it before but my sister says it is going to be a big chain like Starbucks). Right now one sister is sleeping (I thought I said I would never say any of my sister names…I guess I will stick to it, My another sister has just started a nap, and another is seating around thinking while almost everyone naps.

So far I have been to the beach and put my feet in an ocean for the first time. Somehow I could sense the vastness of it all. I almost said the gravity of it all, which would have been from Wolf’s Rain, a wonderful anime that I have seen a very little bit of.

My Mother thinks that doing a Blog for my Senior Project would be washed up and overdone. Its just that there are so many Blogs out there, but imagine this. There are three Blogs that seem unrelated, no links to each other or anything. The viewer is told this in the about page and asked to guess what other two Blogs belong to the same person.

Sound like an idea? I still have over a month to figure out how to present what I am doing.

As you have noticed I do not talk about being Bipolar or my Tarot cards that much, now that I have gotten started. I am flying out into Alaska (I wish) without a map, and without a router. I am counting all my pinecones before they are smashed to pieces and put over a salad, in the book, Over the Tuscan Sun, there was something about some sort of pinecone being used as food.

We have big plans for our trap to Florida, but so far our hotel that said it had Internet access, does not have any at all. That is right not a single bar. I am unable to do my Tarot readings, I hope my patrons will understand.

We are going to the Everglades, Key West, the Dolphin Research Center, Swap Shop, and so forth.

OK, I went to McD. Where it said Wi-Fi, and you have to pay to access the Internet, I even bought something first too because I was going to be using there Internet. I always capitalize Internet because I always type in Microsoft Word, and they decide that Internet must be capitalized and I cannot stand having too many green or red lines under my words. (If you use Word you know what I mean.)