Do I really have to come up with a title

I started out today with a beautiful picture in mind. I don’t know what it was, but it was intriguing nonetheless, maybe it was heaven.

There is so much we have to wait for to learn. I am not that good at waiting. I want to know what the afterlife is like now, is it as scary as being insane? Because when I was in Psychosis the fear was so great it was almost painful, this is talked about in the book Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin.

Anyway, I hope that death is like a mania without the fear, and bad stuff that goes with it, because it is amazing what the world feels like in that state, and you are not alone, you can hear others talking about you says things like, “she can hear us.”

Sigh. I heard once that angels are beautiful and horrible to behold, that is what mania is like. I wish I could have seen angel. I guess I have time yet to behold the unimaginable.

When I get in front of that great void of the sublime fear rushes in. Once when my medication was decreased (before they knew I had Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder) I began once again to think that people where trying to keep me from transcending. I was tempted to go off my medication altogether. I would sit in bed at night crying because I didn’t want to take my medication.

Then one night I started having flashbacks to when I was in the mental hospital and how afraid I was. The fear became so great that not only did I take my medication, but I also took more (only the amount it had been decreased).

When I am walking in the park I watch people riding bikes with envy. I have decided that it is time for me to relearn how to ride a bike, so I can go zooming past the walkers.

I really wish I could find a job. I do not want to go back to my old job when the school year starts up (because so many students are gone during the summer they don’t need as much help, hench they didn't need me over the summer), because I don’t want them to know I didn’t work all summer. Sigh.

As soon as I finish this post I am going to go walking, because if I’m not working I might as well be walking. Now if only their was a job that required a person to walk around all the time. I know, I will be a meter reader!