Note to self (put in computer calendar)

The note is as follows:
After waiting for a long time I sent out an email. The seller said it had been lost in the mall, but is (s)he making it up? The new part was sent Priority. Was it out of a guilty conscience?
stop

I have a habit for storing little bits of information with the idea I will find it in the future. Not that I will remember to look back into my calendar to see it. The times I note down experiences are kind of random so who would know where to look. Perhaps the mind works this way too.

As I recall the book "Animals in Translation,"... No.. I am not sure what scholarly text it was picked this up from. As I recall from something I read in college, there was a person who could remember the weather, day of the week, and (maybe... I cannot completely resurrect) things that happened to her years later. Just give her the date and year, and she could tell you. (I am suddenly reminded that my english teacher in middle school said it was not good to use 'you' referring to the reader. Not that I am particularly concerned with writing rules... as you can see) For some reason this wonder never helped her remember things for tests.

This leads me to think that somewhere in my head the note in my calendar will be stored. Years from now this Friday the 13 will be just as important as it seems now. It also seems that memorization for tests is pointless unless it is backed up, and not everyday school backing it up either. I guess it is somewhere in there as well, but it must be another part of the brain.

I always had wonderful grades in spanish (except in pronunciation... which is also true in english). But I would like to tell you: 'No hablo espanol.' NO HABLO ESPANOL.
I only remember 'biblioteca' because it reminded me of The Hobbit. (Not the Lord of the Rings... I am not sure if I had read it at that point. I guess I did, because all my brothers had read it. In fact I was as upset as happy when the Lord of the Rings came out because it took away the specialness of having read the story. Plus, at that point it didn't have my favorite line in the book. That was added in the extended version. Now one would think that I read it because of the movie. It did, however, allow me to joke around about the ending without giving much away. "In the end someone trips." I hope that it didn't give too much away.)

(Before reading the rest I will say that I only show my emails. The rest is up to your mind to piece together a reality.)

I have respectively enclosed the correspondence of the transfer... the emails sent and replayed. Have I used the word correspondence before. Sounds like a line from a murder mystery. I have not disclosed names or companies... that is where I get the 'respectively' from. The question of 'respectively' is heavily on my mind as I have not asked for permission to display any emails... fine I will only show my part of the conversation.

Even if this has nothing to do with work, it somehow seems like the very thing that got Dooce was fired for. (For the newer Blog readers, Dooce is a famous Blogger who was fired for having a Blog. Mainly because she talked about work on her Blog. Other Bloggers have been fired for their website before. So never talk about work on your blog... if it can be traced back to you.)

If you don't enjoy looking at the mundane, but informative on a persons soul, do not read the rest of this post. I must ask you, however, why are you reading a Blog?

The email sent:

Dear (classified),

Hello,
I was wondering if there is a way I can check what part of the
mailing process the optical drive is in. Once in the past I had a
package that got caught up (and messed up) in the mail and it
took a very long time to show up. I just want to know if it is time
to stop looking in every practical location for the package.
Good day!

-me

The email sent:

Hello (classified),
Could I have a replacement? Thanks. And have a awesome... night.
-me

I have written way to much in this post....

Last Thurs.

Ahhh, it is Thursday. My plan was to continue my story, but I think that can wait until classes are done. It will be the BIG done. No more college, and my mind is closing up already. Today for my Poetry class (I was hoping I would get to write Poetry, but we are just talking about it.) we went to the arboretum and recited the poems we had memorized and wrote a paper on. We had to explain the poem afterwards, and I hope I was clear.

I want to get a good job at the anime store in town. That way by reading manga I would be preparing for work, but this is not a serious job. I need a serious job…

I am in such a nice setting right now. I have bubble tea, and I am in the center of a love seat of brown leather. My body is relaxing from the effort of carrying my computer through the arboretum. I’m outside of the hot sun, and not freezing. It is like someone came in and set the thermostat to normal. So many people do not get the idea of room temp. It is taught in High School physics.

There are so many happy bubbles in this tea. I remember the first time I came here I was with my two dorm roommates. I had a less serious face, and the form (physically) I still remember myself in. I have had extra weight on for such a short time that when I look at myself reflected I do not see myself. A great deal of my life I have been a healthy weight, and what? A little over two years with ‘fat.’ That makes 20 years healthy vs two cursed by medication. Anyway, I can vaguely picture that time (when I first came here), and how good tasting whatever I ordered was. One of my roommates absolutely hated the tea.

Soon I will be done with college, and without thinking deeply into it I returned to a place I first came to right before classes started. There has to be something profound about it, but what upsets me now is that I am alone. I’m not here with my sister and her ex playing ‘Guess Who?’ or on that machine over there playing ‘find the difference’ in sexy male or female mode.

They have Chocolate Fondue here now. I keep on staring at the poster advertising it in front of me. The employees are laughing. Oh someone walked in. Now a little family has walked in, actually a sizable family with four children, and two parents. The children vary in age, and one might be in college, while another is around six years. They are about to play one of the many games the store has. Okay, I’m done staring at the customers. I might look weird or something. In heart I am a people watcher like my Mother, but unlike my Mother I cannot get away with it (age difference). Just a few glances here and there.

Oh now a Mother and baby walked in. Little little baby.
There are a number of interesting notes on my desktop. You see Apple has a Stickies program that you can put notes on. I have a number of class notes in them that I can only read the first line of. So my desktop will say “Muhammad manifested principle - messenger manifesting principle - Allah Principle in Itself” and I will have no idea what it means anymore. “Festive organization of the crowd” “hoffman –move – from hippie to broader” “Adu Bakr – Sunni”

For a more complete view of one of my one of the notes on my desktop I will read one to you:

“Old-fashioned in the space-age world of the early 1960's
many kinds of rides - Steeplechase burn - scar from slide
Gary Heiden loner like me
going down below (coney island's amusement area)
wonders of Orange Soda in the ruins - tried to sell - taste bad
Yoo-Hoo bottle caps
caring for animals - eating rabbits
shredding butterfly wings
fishing - scaring people to death
morning person
under Boardwalk with kunkies
odd jobs
parents were slobs
tar on beach
laughing clown
goblin women
Jackass Club
women
might have lost a few fingers because of watermelon
Mike women, cats, death”

lol I love my desktop. It is so confusing. As the background I have a bus schedule. So along with the letters of the names of the many files there are the numbers of the bus times. Add this to the two characteristic lines running up and down the screen from broken pixels. One red is and one blue. (This really adds to movies.)

I think of them as the lines that make fingerprints unique. Where are you going to find a copy of a DVD with two lines running through the screen? You cannot buy experiences like this. (Really I’m not selling my computer. It has so many programs on it that would be worthless on a new computer. Good programs! This would be one expensive computer to replicate without student deals (through art school’s and stuff) and expensive even with them.

I close my eyes and picture my computer box as I pick it up at the art school, and then I open it. I remember that feeling. A new computer would not bring it back. I have carried this computer on my back for four years. Sigh. Nice little computer. Nice heavy computer has kept me kind of healthy. Once I am done with college I will have to start working out, because I will not be walking around with my computer. Much sadness about this.

Grandma

My Grandmother was a wonderful person. She did however have her peculiararities. She believed her house was bugged by the government and would try to feed statues.

One day she took me to a table covered with small trinkets of all kinds. I remember a beautiful Hummel of the Virgin Mary in full color. She asked me to pick one thing off that table. The statue of the Virgin tempted me, but instead I took a small glass bird. My Grandmother had always loved birds.

Later when my Grandmother developed Alzheimer’s my sister and myself took turns sharing our room with her. At first one night Rachel would sleep on the sofa, and the next I would. My Grandmother would get up in the middle of the night and do things like cut up her blanket. I would sleep right through all of this, whereas my sister Rachel wouldn’t. So in the end I was sleeping on the sofa all the time. Each morning I would wake up to the songs of our parakeets. We had parakeets just like out Grandmother used to.

Later in my life I would end up doing artwork based on this memory. A bird caged in a nest; just like her disease caged her brain represented my Grandmother. The pain of watching my Grandmother suffering was always great within me, and something happening to my brain became one of my major fears. Her Alzheimer’s became so bad that in the end she forgot how to shallow correctly. I looked at my Grandmother not understanding what was wrong and I thought, “She looks thirsty.” So I would got her more water. My brother got mad at me for doing this and I said that water never hurt anyone. He responded that someone could drown in it.

After my Grandmother died and I heard she had forgotten how to shallow I thought my getting her water had killed her. I did not realize that the doctors could easily deal with that problem. I never told anyone this, except years later to a friend who would later get mad at me and accuse me of killing my Grandmother.

As for that glass bird, I kept it for year, and then one day it disappeared. My sister had a habit of throwing things out without asking. As for the Hummel, it was sold in a Garage Sale after my Grandfather dead. My mother often talks about how much she wishes she had kept it. As for my brain, about two years ago I developed Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder. Happily Ever After!

Voices in the dark

I had known something was wrong for a long time; I just couldn’t get the voices of my critics out of my head. I thought I was insane. One night I looked into the mirror and thought I could almost gouge out my eyes.

That night I drank extra tea and ate extra spaghetti because I felt that tonight was the night demons were going to be pulled out of me. Before going to bed I made this piece of artwork (this writing is for a presentation to be given to a group of elderly). That night in my mind I could hear three people talking as they pulled the demons from my body. They used rather fowl language.

The next day I woke up and went to a coffee shop and later a restaurant to award myself for making it through the school year. I was trapped in a current of changing thoughts that no matter how illogical all seemed to make sense. I came to the conclusion that I was died and need to transcend to the next level of being.

At first I thought that my roommate would help me, but I could not find him so I, being Catholic, went to Saint Mary’s Student Parish, for aid in transcending into heaven, or wherever it took me. I was afraid I was trapped in hell. At Church I asked the people there to help me, and they sent me to the Menial Hospital.

It was there that I was put into a small little room, with a single couch, food and a magazine. I drank a little milk. There was also a red button in the room. I was afraid I was in hell, and that in the end I would end up pushing that button over and over again each time hoping for something to happen. I sang out hoping that my song would reach heaven. I thought that if I was in hell, but I could still remain in love with God. I was afraid I would sing until my voice was gone, and then sink into despair. A great while later I was taken out of the room. It was light when I when into the room and pitch black when I was put into the ambulance to be taken to another hospital one that was covered by my family’s insurance. I was diagnosed as Bipolar type I with psychosis. It wasn’t until over a year later that I was re-diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar.

Short Simple

I am having trouble coming up with a topic to write on today. I know it sounds surprising that I would actually start writing with a topic in mind if you have notices how much my focus weaves in and out.

My father calls me Antisocial. I don’t think he quite gets how extreme the meaning of that word it. It isn’t something you are just because you don’t want to go to your cousins Open House.

My family also calls me shy, which I might be. I really don’t know. I had a horrible roommate last year that got on my back about being able to communicate in emails what I couldn’t in real life.

I don’t think he quite understood anything about me, which is easy to understand because I was suffering from Bipolar disorder and had no idea what was going on at the time.

I did a lot of embarrassing things, but he crossed the line very early on. Anyways, I don’t really want to talk about that. I was out of my mind and functioning. I was able to hold back the storm until the very last day of the school year, it was that day when I turned in my final project, and that very night I stayed up thinking demons were being pulled out of my head. The next day after a twisted path I was in the mental hospital.

P.S. Check out the link hidden in the picture, and read a bit of the dance contest. :)

Memory all alone in the moonlight

When I was in the mental hospital I thought that I really wasn’t insane, that in reality I had suddenly had a surge in psychic powers, and I was exhibiting others symptoms of mental illness, not mine. When I was released from the hospital I tried to look up a place online that could provide me with the psychic help I needed. The help I needed to show the world that I wasn’t Bipolar.

I experienced many things in the mental hospital, and I remember it. I remember sleeping with my shoes on because…
Because I felt that I was in another realm of being where status was determined by whether or not you had shoes with shoelaces, shoes without, soaks, or bare feet. I was afraid they were going to take my shoes away, along with other fears.

What I am trying to say I had many illusions while in the hospital, and out of it. Oh, who am I kidding. No one wants to hear ramblings on being insane. I’m talking to the air.

Hello, little bunny cloud will anyone other than my family ever read this? No little bunny cloud? This will be piled among other posts of the past and never looked at by the time anyone has discovered that they actually like this site.

Little bunny cloud will you take me to get some ice cream?

I’m tired, but not sleepy tired, but the other kind of tired. I have this worn down feeling inside of me that is more than one lifetime could produce. That is why I have come to believe in other lives. I have an old soul. It does not want to live anymore.

The only reason I am here is for my family, because I cannot let go of my brothers and sisters. If I didn’t have them to consider I would be gone now. Who knows what I would have become. I think that the best possible outcome for someone who gives up on life altogether is nothingness, because somethingness is what they cannot stand.

I am a little dramatic at times. My mother calls me the Moon, and my mind wonders to the Tarot card the Moon, and its illusionary silvery light. I live the illusion sometimes I will just be seating there and pain beyond what can be felt courses through my emotions, I feel like rolling up into a ball, but I just seat there. My mind cries out in pain, my brain feels controlled and medicated almost all the time. I promised myself that I would never forget what feels like to have an unmediated brain. I guess I will have to break some promises.

What did my brain used to feel like? Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Swam, Swam and Sing

Whereas before I had put my feet into the ocean this time I swam in it. I felt the flow of the water around me, as it crashed into me, and put silt into my mouth. It had been a long time since I had been in water with my sister, and another sister with me. I remember when I was young during the summer we would all go to swim at Eagle Lake. One of my brothers used to throw me up into the air. It was so much fun. I have no fancy or funny way to look at this. It simply was.

Perhaps, if I cannot put a spin on this memory I will never make it as a Blogger. It’s like I’m talking to air.

Another Blog! Ben and Jerry's, Senior Project

I used to live at a place where there were many Willowtrees. It was only a 20-minute walk into school each day. Now ! live at place by a park with a river running by it, and it is only a ten-minute walk into school. I like my new apartment much better.

There is so much I could tell you about my life, about how foolishly I mistreated my body by only eating pasta for every meal for a year, or for using my extra meal credits, that would have gone to waste on Ben and Jerry’s every week. I didn’t exercise except for walking everywhere and I round and about deserved the weight that I gained.

Sure, it might have been gained due to depression, but it had been so long sense I had been on a scale that who knows.

I could tell you about deeper stuff, and I am now making available another one of my Blogs that has few posts, but long posts called Dreaming of Men that you might find interesting, and because my family might read it, I have taken down some posts, but it is still interesting. Go ahead take a look!

Perhaps for my Senior project, if I do the Blog one I will create several Blog identities, and it would be about typecasting. What do you think? I could do one comic blog about Dreaming and Men, and another Blog about discovering Tarot, and another about being myself as a person living with a mental illness.

Three Blogs, one person, what do you think?

Do I really have to come up with a title

I started out today with a beautiful picture in mind. I don’t know what it was, but it was intriguing nonetheless, maybe it was heaven.

There is so much we have to wait for to learn. I am not that good at waiting. I want to know what the afterlife is like now, is it as scary as being insane? Because when I was in Psychosis the fear was so great it was almost painful, this is talked about in the book Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin.

Anyway, I hope that death is like a mania without the fear, and bad stuff that goes with it, because it is amazing what the world feels like in that state, and you are not alone, you can hear others talking about you says things like, “she can hear us.”

Sigh. I heard once that angels are beautiful and horrible to behold, that is what mania is like. I wish I could have seen angel. I guess I have time yet to behold the unimaginable.

When I get in front of that great void of the sublime fear rushes in. Once when my medication was decreased (before they knew I had Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder) I began once again to think that people where trying to keep me from transcending. I was tempted to go off my medication altogether. I would sit in bed at night crying because I didn’t want to take my medication.

Then one night I started having flashbacks to when I was in the mental hospital and how afraid I was. The fear became so great that not only did I take my medication, but I also took more (only the amount it had been decreased).

When I am walking in the park I watch people riding bikes with envy. I have decided that it is time for me to relearn how to ride a bike, so I can go zooming past the walkers.

I really wish I could find a job. I do not want to go back to my old job when the school year starts up (because so many students are gone during the summer they don’t need as much help, hench they didn't need me over the summer), because I don’t want them to know I didn’t work all summer. Sigh.

As soon as I finish this post I am going to go walking, because if I’m not working I might as well be walking. Now if only their was a job that required a person to walk around all the time. I know, I will be a meter reader!

Card for July 12 2007, The Seven of Coins

Today I will not joke around like I did with the last card of the day, or at least I will keep it to a minimum. This one really applies to me, for a while my medication had me sleeping 15 whole hours every day, luckily this was after school was out, but as school neared its end I felt myself slapping back into a depression, which is never fun. So I was put on Zoloft, which I joked around about saying that it was hard to be depressed on Zoloft. Zoloft just postponed the time it took until I took 150 aspirin.

This card is about slow and steady progress, and I think that is how I have been taking life, like that movie, “What about Bob” and baby steps.

I however have moments a pure sadness where I think that if I was by a bridge I would call the crisis hotline tell them I was jumping and then jump…this is just a theory. I am by no bridges at the moment.

I hate to have my family worrying about me, and soon after this thought comes rolling in another one, the temptation to go off my antipsychotic, and I think that it is either my life or that medication that has to go.

My sister thinks that I will stay on my antipsychotic because I am an intelligent person, but I have my moments where I am ready to throw everything I have worked for away, just so I can see what it is like. I guess they call say I have Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder with Psychosis for a reason.

I do not want anyone looking at me and pointing to me as evidence that either mentally ill people or people who use Tarot cards are, quote on quote, crazy. Every single case is different whether it is mental illness or psychic energy.

Summer '06 and Theories of the Soul and Water

This summer was a lot better then the summer before it summer where I was very, very depressed. I was so depressed that for a while I had trouble reading even a page of a book. I couldn’t enjoy anything, so everything I did seemed like a waste.

Sooner or later I found a job, but I was still in a bad state of mind, so I couldn’t even enjoy the fact that I was allowed to read most of the time.

By the time I had the well I could read more, and I started clang to books and movies to help me pass the horrible long days.

The job I found did not offer many hours so I turned to the outdoors to take away the rest of my time. I would walk for hours upon hours through the park.

My mind would wonder and I came up with a hypothesis about the soul. The soul is like water. As we get closer to the source of heat (God) we expand and lose touch with ourselves. As we move away from the heat water is cohesive so it pulls together into little raindrops of life.

When Water gets far away from the source it becomes cold, and out of preservation forms crystals together expanding their mass, but as it becomes very cold the water crystals fall in on themselves and the water loses all structure, order, and union, it is only when the heat comes their way that they awake from their prison.

That is all I remember about my hypothesis I linked other elements to other parts of the world, like plants needing water and so on.