Balance

Balance
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow…

I go back to college tomorrow. I will finally know which project is the winner, if any at all. I think…I think…I think that I am as ready as I am going to be. I am kind of at a stand still. In my option I have three very good ideas, and it is a toss up as to which one will be crowned. I just cannot force myself to get ready. I want to go get coffee.

Lets see. I am in a bright place right now. The windows are open and the light is bouncing all around.

Time has past. I helped my sister move stuff back into her room and we (two of my sisters and myself) went out to eat. Now the sun is down and I have thoroughly added many, many calories to my day, calories and caffeine. I need to find my alarm clock. I will be back. Oh no, I cannot find my alarm clock. What to do, what will I do? I did however find my Pria PowerBars while I was looking for my alarm, I somehow came to think that I had thrown them out thinking it was an empty box. But now I can rest assured that I did indeed throw out an empty box.

A good wind is blowing my way. The biggest distraction I have ever faced in my life, college, is coming back again. I hope that I can find a job that distracts me this much without sending me overboard.

This year I feel like a rebel. I want to do test the limits of my illness. So alcohol will make me sleepy how much will a little bit of wine put me out? So staying up all night will make me manic…are you sure about that? Isn’t this medication supposed to do the work for me why do I have to do anything different? Why can’t I have green tea after 12 it just has a little caffeine in it. What chocolate has caffeine as well I thought everyone was saying these things are good for you. Why do I have to take a step back from life and avoid stress? Why can’t I go running with the bulls? Why do you keep telling me to exercise, eat right, be healthy and blah blah blah blah blah.

I am standing on the edge of life, trapped between enjoyment and boredom. Everything seems so real so beautifully and dully real. It is all a matter of how I choose to look at a thing. In the end I just don’t care anymore. I’ve grown into quite an adult, but I would rather still look at the world with my childish eyes. They saw just as deeply. I wish I could see that way again. I really do, but here I am. I the wine that has finally started to pull itself together. I the freshwater fish who is cast into the ocean. I the woman seating in the blue Lazy-Boy chair a slivery computer in her lap, fingers slowly moving in a calming rhythm.