Everything from A to T (art to tea)

All is well. I need to start getting my Senior Project Plans in actuality. I need something visible and solid conceptually. I woke up with energy today after the average amount of sleep so I am hopeful that I will continue along this road. This last medication change took the wind out of me for a long time, I wish I could have slept as much the summer when I was depressed. That is beyond the point. I need to focus on the road head of me right now, because my past has been holding me back for too long.

I don’t know what I will become. I look at what I am now and how much stronger I am and there is only one-way to go. The tree does not withdraw its roots. I was right to choose to go to the art school that I did, because it offered a different kind of challenge, one outside of what can be learned in textbooks. It is a hands on, brains on, trail and error process. I feel I am more equipped for a dynamic workplace because of the diverse challenges that I have faced.

Ever since I have been in the Art school I have heard students bad mouthing it, but for me, so far, it has been exactly what I needed. My art school is very conceptually based, but that is wonderful, because you can find highly skilled art teachers all around, but developing your own view of the world that can also be expressed in words is much harder to find. So what I say is to learn the things on which you can build a lifetime both technically and conceptually. It is from this point that you can find all the books, and all the art teachers that your heart needs.

Education is something that you should never cast aside thinking you are too old. I may not be living the live of a professional artist, but I will be around exploring, sharing, and creating. God must have had a wonderful time molding the world, all the little details that pop up at you and make you think wow. Sigh.

I made a wishlist on Amazon and filled it with expensive things, but on reflecting I need none of it. Some of them would take away the fun of the hunt. By hunt I mean looking on Craigslist and at thrift store for particular items at a cheap price. What I want is out there somewhere for cheap and I will find it. I think I will modify the list a little. Maybe, maybe not.

I am thinking of building a Loft bed. It shouldn’t be that hard. All I need are the plans. I have no problem sleeping close to the ceiling (I did it my freshmen year in the dorms), and I think that it would be wonderful to have the little space underneath for a desk. I could put curtains up hanging from the ceiling to block out light so my blinds can always be open. I will have to do this slowly over time, but I think it will be a wonderful idea.

As you can tell from my babbling I have had four cups of coffee. I made two for my Mother, but I forgot until it was cool and she does not like cool coffee like I do. I am strange in that way. Me, I only sip on tea until it is about room temperature, which takes a long time. I used to solve this problem by adding cool milk, but then my sister told me of a study that said milk neutralizes the benefits of tea, and that is why the English do not have the same tea benefits as those in Asian countries.

Now I am washing down my four cups of coffee with Fuze Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng. Ginseng is good for you brain. I think it is for memory, right. Fish Oil (and Flaxseed Oil) for mood stabilization (and fighting depression), and St Johns Wort Tea for fighting depression (in small doses if you are Bipolar). These are all good things.

We have a tree in are yard that when its leaves, or more likely its roots (or both) are boiled you can make Root Beer. Not important, just thought you should know. Here I will post a link so you can see my two cats. Here is Gazelle and here is Cecilia. My sister took the pictures and made the entries and everything. She is a wonderful Blogger, very skilled. She has been at it for years.

I am outside again with my two cats beside me on the deck, with is why I started to talk about trees. I myself want a Bonsai tree for my birthday. I have told my Mother this, I also added a flowering one. I don’t know of many places in Michigan that would sell them, but I am leaving my family the challenge. I have wanted a Bonsai for a long time, will I wanted to have a actual tree that I would get the seed of and grow it slowly moving it to bigger pots until it could be planted in my yard when I get a house, but now I am not sure if I will ever want a house, maybe I will, maybe I will not.

I have a feeling that something good is going to happen to Michigan’s economy and Pfizer is going to regret leaving Ann Arbor. It might be all the caffeine talking, but it will be like one of my professor dreams (I interviewed her for a project) where I think it was water or wind sweep trough Detroit like the roots of a tree. If something good is going to happen in Detroit that might mean a prosperous change in American Automobiles, and because it spread like the roots of a tree it will be eco-friendly.

One that note, this is beginning to be a very long post indeed see what coffee does to me, have you heard of the Heidelberg Project. It is about Art and Detroit, but not just any art you should have a look. You see the main star of the Heidelberg Project is Tyree Guyton, and he transformed some of the run down homes in Detroit into works of art. He also works with children, and has become an important part of the community. He, however, is just one part of the Project. It comes from Germany. It’s big news, if old news, in Detroit. Something to make a city proud, because despite all the challenges faced with the horrible Michigan economy people live on, so art lives on.

I am not implying that there would be no art if there were no people. Remember the big buzz long ago about Cats painting?

There are no Cats allowed in my Apartment in Ann Arbor. Once again I will have to leave them at home. I plan on traveling somewhere next summer, going somewhere new getting a job, maybe an internship and being free of the state I love.

Michigan is beautiful. The whole world is. Sometimes I just stare at the light coming in and wonder if I really did die in good to heaven. At other times I will wonder if I am forever trapped in hell. You know that saying about making a Hell of Heaven and a Heaven of Hell. When I was in the Mental Hospital I really did think I was in hell, but I decided to fight it, by being nice to others, and praying to God. As terrified as I was I was also hopeful in my faith.

While I believe in God. I believe that God made people faithful, so that in their worst hour they can find something to hold on to. There was something I was asked while in-group, it was about me so I can say it, I was asked if I missed mania, and I said, “No. I was terrified. I was psychotic and I knew it, but that did change my delusions and fears. It only added to it.” I didn’t really explain it that will, but I wish I had.

My family was told that I wouldn’t remember what had happened while I was insane, I wouldn’t remember basking in the sun and saying to another inmate that I was like a cat. (I didn’t think I was a cat. I just thought that I was doing what cats do.) I wouldn’t remember trying to open the door time after time hoping that it had been lift unlocked. I will speak no more of this now. I will tell you the details later.

I feel good, but my thoughts are not racing. I should go and take my Fish Oil now. I forgot it earlier. Be back soon.

Ok. I think starting to take the Fish Oil again is starting to pull me out of that depression I was in. I can feel it in my brain. Somehow it feels more controlled, and after my stomach got used to taking it the Fish Burps disappeared (if you take Fish Oil you will now what I mean). I am still taking both Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil, you can read other posts to figure out why.

Anyway, as interesting as my welfare and stability is lets try to find another topic. How about the wonders of Green tea? That’s right I should start a new poll…which is best Green, Red, White, or Black tea. Nah, if you have read this far please comment, because I would like to imagine someone will read this someday.

Music

There is nothing that can wake you up quite like a good song. Sure coffee might speed up your heart, but music gets your soul dancing. I wish I had better control over my brain. My brain that extension of my body that controls so much of me. I can only hope that my soul still wants to live. I can hope that my soul knew that taking 150 aspirin would just destroy my organs, and that as soon as I called the emergency hotline to have someone to talk to as I died my soul knew I would get to the hospital in time to avoid serious damage.

My soul had complete control over the situation, and it has foresight beyond anything my physic can master. It was my soul that walked me safely to get help while I was manic and unable to think clearly. It was my soul that tricked my mind into taking that first bit of medication.

I guess these things might also be thought of as God. If it was God then he/she has taken good care of my family and me. Do you think that God has really stepped in and guided me though the worst.

I have a lot more faith then I admit. For one thing I am talking to air (by talking I mean writing on the web). Not always a very sign. Another thing is I continue based on what others insist to take medications. I also put faith in what everyone says about being able to find a better job after going to college. When I am riding in a car I have faith that in every single one of those other cars is another person living another life. These might surprise you being as leaps of faith, but they are. For all I know my medication could be sugar pills that are supposed to create the illusion that they are making me better so I feel better. It is possible that some of those other cars are actually just machines used to create the illusion of more people, so we do not feel lonely.

Now that I am done writing about nonsense I will go on to… I will on to stop writing.

False Alarm

The sharp noon light
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I slept so well last night that I am sure my hearing of a song was a false alarm. Some neighbor, or a car driving by must have been playing loud music. I display none of the signs of being manic. If anything I would say I am baseline. Yawn. One thing is for sure. Geodon makes me yawn. I do not feel overly tried just sleepy. Eight hours of deep smooth sleep and I am still cloudy eyed.

Yesterday, my Mother told me that my eyes were glazed over. She stopped into town to take me grocery shopping, and out to eat. The first thing we did was go to Mass where everything went as usual. During the last two years of my life, prier to becoming Bipolar I had hardly gone to mass, as I figured that it wasn’t something God would look down on. When I was manic however I regretted this. Having been taught that it was important to good to mass everyday, my manic self was afraid I had sinned.

This was an important thing because I thought that I was died, and needed to know if I was slated to go to heaven, hell or purgatory. I was afraid I was in hell when I was locked in a small room all alone.

I will tell you more about that later.

I have been so afraid of every little of sound at night being from inside my head that I am wearing myself out. I wasn’t afraid of this before Thanksgiving. It is only at night that I have this problem.

I don’t know if I can trust this Geodon yet. I feel very happy now that I am on it. Happy, peaceful, and at the same time tired and medicated. I guess things are really the same as usual, its just now I do not have deadlines to distract me. I will have a hard time with life when I am out of college, without the entertainment of consent assignments and deadlines I suffer all encompassing boredom. I am sure that I will get stuck in some boring office job filing away papers.

What in the world would I do without consent education.