So close to the judgement

I have finally settled into my nest in Ann Arbor. I have been so busy the last few days. I had a new roommate to talk to, a new room to organize, a whole family that hadn’t seen me in a long time, and a coffee shop with wonderful Green Tea that need visiting. I had a loft to assemble; yes I did finally find a loft. It is a good thing I came back to Ann Arbor before my Mother wanted me to. Lets see what have I been doing… what have I been doing… I have been getting very nervous about the upcoming school year. So many big things will be happening, and after my dull, slow summer, it will be a sudden shock to my system. I guess I will take things in stride.

What to say, what to say, last year I was afraid I could not make it though college having Bipolar disorder around this time of year. This year I wish that time would just stop, that I wouldn’t have to go back. Then my mind starts to wonder and I end up thinking about… never mind. Two people at the University might be visiting my website soon, so I best take things slow. If you want to find out what was on my mind read though the other posts, it is not that hard to guess. Or at least it isn’t hard for me to guess, because I know already.

Oh, it is time for me to check Craigslist. There done. I only saw one thing of interest.

Why do I have to do this? Why is it so important to go to college? A very big part of me is saying, “No just get a job and never go back,” but I refuse to give up. I see this Senior Project as being the ultimate stressor. I am supposed to avoid stress, and based on how I am getting ready for the project (God help me there, in fact God help me with this whole thing) things are not looking good. This is something I have to get through that will be a challenge, and I will have limitations that other college students do not have. I need according to my Doctor at least eight hours of sleep every night.

It is fine for me to go into the Senior Project a little unprepared as long as I get my act together afterwards. All right. I set forth on a journey, yet again. My first journey was to college, and that pavement was cracked by Bipolar disorder. Now I already have my mind set on two of the projects, and I don’t care which one wins out. The third is a sideshow in comparison. It seemed like a good idea at the time, not so good now. I wonder if that is the way I will feel about all of my projects, no matter which one I choose.

It is so peaceful here. I can faintly taste the espresso on my lips, the espresso I would make if I received that job at Beansters. I wish. I don’t think I will get the job, because the first day I had a job at Mujo I was setting and waiting for the bus to take me to North Campus, and it never came. I was a freshman, and I didn’t know that the bus routes changed over the weekends. I was in a panic, and I took the whole thing as a sign that I wasn’t’ ready to work and go to college at the same time. Because I called and said I couldn’t work there, the manager made a note to never hire me again. My sister works there. On U of M job applications there is a place to put any relatives that work in the University, so I have to put down her name. They see the name, call Mujo, hear about me never showing up for the first day, and throw out my application. Wonderful isn’t it.