Another day - umm yay?

My mother showed up before I had the chance to look around. It was harder then ever to walk up to the bus today. I now have a very distinctive slow limping like walk. If I were male I would look Ghetto, or at least a wanta-be. I am not, and I am not dress to the role, so I just look like a limping fool. As for the walk up to the bus, I had to stop half way through to rest my legs. Sigh. It didn’t work. My legs would not calm down. So I tried smaller steps and walking using different muscles (i.e. walking sideways.) I did however only manage to look like a… I don’t know what I looked like to the people passing by.

So it has been settled. My legs are in no condition to workout by traditional means so it is time for yoga. I so do not want to be here right now. Why did I have to seat by someone with food. Sigh.

Ok, ok. I passed a dude in my Intro to the Prophet course. He had his head down and didn’t bother to look up when I waved and said, “Hello.” Sigh. Racism is so strong on this campus, Racism against the mentally ill.

If I continue to have this level of energy (not perfect, but not bad) I will have to start applying for jobs. Yet something tells me (with all my walking problems) that a medication change is on its way. I have to be honest and limping along calf muscles tight feet strangely in much less pain today is not a side effect to look over. Overall though, I will try to enjoy this weekend, and see if I can put off any medication changes until after the school year is over.

This Green tea is too weak. After having Matcha I might have to bump up to a stronger kind of tea. Green tea has one of the lights flavors of all the real teas. Yes, it is a Thursday. I don’t know when I will post this, but I can risk having a little tea, because I have no school tomorrow!

I am actively fighting the negativity in my brain. That cookie looks good. When I am down I will not let the bad feeling take me to a place where I want to close my eyes, but I will stop and sip my tea. I’m tired of this no tea after noon. I understand coffee, but tea has a different kind of caffeine, and Asians drink it all the time. They have been for a long time and it makes them healthy.

I have to admit Green tea (unlike Matcha) doesn’t have the same punch as Peppermint tea, and for some reason my hair keeps on making my neck so uncomfortable…oh no! My nail broke. It is not supposed to break right there. Blood. I just cut them too.

Ok. I have my hair up with two pens. My hair is a little short so it will not stay if I walk around, but my neck has relief. As for my nail… it doesn’t hurt. How long do you think my hair will stay up? I used to be really good at putting it up with even one pencil, but I had longer hair then.

That was way back then when I worked at the library. If I were to go back in time with the knowledge I have now. I would have read more. Children’s books are so much fun. Not as overweighed as adult books. Not that I have read many adult books. I have been in college i.e. I have put life on hold. What do I plan on doing once I have a life? Other then the obvious First off is the problem with my legs and feet. Yoga should be a good starting point for that. Monday. Monday I see my pDoc. Oh my goodness. 13 more days! I’m goodness!

It is wonderful that I came out of it (the sleepiness) in time to add a more positive twist to at least the most recent of my blog and that in the end I was able to put forth at least some of the effort that I had wanted to. So for this moment, this second, this minute you see me without the depression, without the delusions, without a desire to kill myself, and having had a moment like this, even if I do have to switch medications, while having my disorder will make it easier to keep hope. Because I am here, under all the ‘personality’ changes the medications give me, and I am just as strong as I was when I faced college my freshmen year.

Yes, tea goes a long way with me. It calms me like Geodon did, a happy calm, without the extreme sleep problems. It raises my energy just enough, and it makes my whole body feel good. Without my restriction on caffeine I would drink it very often. The only thing that makes tea better is honey. I used to say milk, and I still use that trick with things I have to be polite and drink, but do not like. I do not like fruity tea.

Tea and Yoga. I do sound like the hippie. (?Don't know what I am thinking?)

Do you have a voice that will suddenly pop into you head, and say negative things? I do not hear it with my ears, but it is like someone jumped into me, and said, “Shut up.” This one I do not answer kindly (in my head). When it says thinks like, “I hate you.” or “Whore.” I answer, “Well, isn’t that nice.” It used to bug me, but now I do not care. It was there in the past, but it didn’t say negative things it said things like, “Dalmatian.”

So as to the people out there, who care to judge me based on paper passing, or how long I look at people all I can say is, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

Today is a wonderful day with so much light. I don’t know why, but I am increasingly drawn to sweets. Yet, it was hard to complete all of that. What I need is someone to hang out with me so I can split my stuff with them you know someone to share my teapot of tea with.

It would be nice to have a tea maker. Even better would be a tea/Matcha maker. Because after having tea for a while you want something more extreme. I am too poor. I spend all my money at coffee houses and restaurants. I could never own my own shop because I would drink everything. I wonder if they are looking for employees at the tea place in town yet, the new tea place where I found Matcha. Beautiful place. Wonderful Matcha.

As you might have guess I did not go to Biggby to prove to the pervert that I am in fact Schizoaffective Bipolar. I didn’t feel like taking my medication early, and he won. He wanted to get me out of the seat, (he looked pissed when I took it) and I just don’t like that kind of atmosphere. So I will wait to next week.

Stupid fool. I am a fool, but I am a different kind of fool. Either way I can spot one, and a stupid fool is someone who makes the atmosphere of a place uncomfortable so the owner loses money. Who knows how many women he had chased away from the place. Who knows how many I will chase away by talking about it. So I will tell you as follows. The employee’s at Biggby are intelligent and nice. There is free wireless, and other then the occasional ‘stupid fool’ light shines through its windows, and the space in small and intimate. The music is not distracting, so it is easier to study without headphones, but enough non-students come in so that it is not just a student location.

The fool. The first card in the Tarot deck. I have often been the fool. It is good. It is healthy to be the fool. The first time I ever tired any fortune telling it was when I had the letter from the college I go to. Did I get in? I needed to know before I opened the letter, and I pulled out three cards. Afterwards I opened the letter and surprise I was accepted.

At the time I just wanted to get into the University with my horrible (good enough to get in) ACT scores. I was quite upset about the ACT and figured that the best school I could get into was the art school. I just wanted to go so badly that I figured it was my one way to get in. I didn’t really consider myself a good artist; even if my art teacher told me I was better then some students who were through college. I knew from looking at fan art online that my skills were easily passed. (This last cup of tea tastes bitter. Somehow it much have been getting to the leaves. Time for honey.)

I’ve done it. I completed the last game…game why did I type that,,,? the last class for the day. We have one class off for the day. What am I thinking? Why am I seating in a off coffee shop? The sun is up the library is open!

The library trip was uneventful. Somehow I ended up at Primo coffee, because I have such great focus. My energy is dropping. At 8:30 I am done with all food for the day. I will have to wait until 12:30 tomorrow for a blood test. I didn’t eat much today, just a few sweet things and a pepperoni pocket. My head of hair is annoying my neck lately and I tried to chew off that part of my nail that broke so it would stop getting stuck in things.

I wish I would run into someone I know. I’ve done the calling around and Lost appears to have won over people’s minds. I was going to put in my application to the library and printed it all out, and then I realized that I was dressed like an art student. #$%! I’m going to have to tell my pDoc about my nails breaking and my teeth becoming sensitive to the cold.

I would like to imagine that I would stay like this or better, that I am done with the battle for medications, but all the signs are pointing to me being unhealthy. I will take calcium supplements and then I will concur these problems. I will quickly change the water in the shower from hot to cold for the circulation benefits it is said to give. I will do this over and over again mouth silently gasping as the icy water (it feels that way) pours over me. It is not nearly as hard to go from cold to hot. I will watch my sisters Yoga video and take from it what poses I can do. How much does a yoga class cost in this part of Michigan?