More Matcha Please

Tea. Matcha. That is a green tea that I made a big deal about getting. Somehow tea is one of those things that both calms me and wakes up my mind. Just a little and I have gone from, “Oh, I want to go back to bed.” to “I want to write about tea!” If I were a scientist studying moods and possible new ways to fight Bipolar disorder I would have no end of things to look into. It is because I have a sensitive brain that can pick up on the slightest change. I think I am going to make more tea. I will be back soon.

All I need to do now is wait for the tea to cool a little. This makes two days now. Two days of normal sleeping hours! Just 8 hours of sleep, and sure I was a little sleepy when I got up, but writing and tea seem to have given me more energy then I have had in a long time… for those of you who are not filled in (did not read my older posts) at one point I was sleeping up to 16 hours a day because of medication. Sometimes I lose a whole day to sleep, but I can force myself to get up in order to live life a little.

I had a few readers once, but then I posted some stuff I wrote for a humor class (we were talking about how the gross is funny and etc) and I lost a link to my site and at least one person even pulled out of my polls. I have learned my lesson and will keep disgusting humor stuff out of my blog.

I forget why a blog is called a blog. I know it is short for online personal journal, but where did the b come from…?

Hmmm. I had a sudden vision of my brother W. at Borders talking about this. We were in the coffee shop. I like coffee shops. They are of comforting. I almost made up a special espresso drink today with the machine my sister S. left when she moved out of down, but I have forgotten the temp. of the milk. We had everything needed for a homemade vanilla cappuccino, for maybe a caramel latte.

Yummy. Tea is so good. After I run out of this Matcha I cannot afford anymore. I only have one or two cups worth. Goodbye Matcha.

Why is it that Word does not accept the word ‘blog’ as a correct spelling?

Don’t tell me truth hurts little girl, because it hurts like hell. –Underground, David Bowe That is what I have been listening to… the soundtrack to Labyrinth. How I ended up with it is a secret (no shoplifting or internet downloading) can you guess what I did?

Anyway. Look at the time! Based on the lighting I would have never guessed that it was almost 10:00 am. Lately it has been sunny, but it looks like today is cloudy and sunny. I want to walk in the park. Yawn. I am not sleepy. It is just I need new music now that Labyrinth is over. Lawrence of Arabia is just on cutting it. MIKA… needs more lyrics. There this one, The Nightmare Before Christmas, will give me two or three songs I like.

Anyway. My room is very clean now. I even packed up my winter clothes. I will have to take them home because it will be cheaper to wash them there and my Mom insisted on storing them for me. La la la la Whats this?

How is it that tea combats that weird feeling in my brain? That dull feeling. That feeling like I am still asleep. I know it has caffeine but pops (sodas) don’t do this. Oh no. I need some more songs! You might find out that it takes me time and a half to read because of medication. Plus, I have always been a slow typer.

Oh if you can find it the song Calculus Girl in the album skaflaskes by the ninjas do so. I love the lyrics, and the band has personality. Lets see if I can find it for you. Ahhh! I cannot find it!

There I got a few good snaps out of my back. Just a little yoga in the morning can really help the back. It is amazing how good yoga can make ones back feel. I didn’t realize that my back was upset, but after some yoga it became happy, and I wasn’t even doing the back relief yoga poses.

Do you know what is funny? The only thing that gets upset when I do yoga is my feet. For some reason they start to hurt. My poor feet are always upset. As I walk uphill they will start to hurt and then my legs will start to hurt and then everything goes numb.

…I’ve just looking at my bunny mug. It has a handle with a bunny on it ears popping out. On the mug is a picture of two bunny’s dressed up with hats going towards a church with no cross on it so maybe I am just imaging they are going to Easter mass. It cost me about 25 cents in a thrift store. The casher agreed that it was a keeper.

Lets see. I have to matching Halloween mugs, one Christmas one, one Easter one, and my sister (and roommate) has a valentines one. So I need the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. (I think that New Years is too cheesy and falls under the category of Christmas.)

I used to think that when you where reading in class you where supposed to silently let people read the parentheses on their own, so when I skipped over them my English teacher got all mad at me. “YOU DON’T JUST SKIP THE PARENTHESES!” said the evil English teacher. I, however, was surprisingly unaffected and barely even looked up. You would think that a teacher blowing up over even such a small thing would upset a shy student like me.

Ok, okay.

I was wrong and my sister was right, or the Doctor was wrong. He pushed some buttons on my foot and then showed me a picture of a fluid sac. I told him over and over again, but my legs hurt when I am trying to keep up with normal people.

I think he didn’t get that point, and may have thought I was talking about the present and not all the time. New shoes he tells me, with heel insoles, I’ve tried whole foot insoles. I don’t think he understood. Do you think I made it clear that I was talking about all the time and not when some sac in my foot is swelling?

Fine! I will take my vitamins; I will pretend that the only thing that is wrong with me is a foot insole. There I’m healthy and angry now. All I was told was to take medications like aspirin or ibuprofen like candy with every meal because they act like a bag of cold peas. Nothing about why my feet fell asleep when all I am doing is walking at a faster pace (not much faster). As for vitamins and minerals:

“Any time a single nutrient is supplemented at excessive amounts, one is really dealing with a much more powerful drug-like effect. And although this has a greater potential to help a medical situation, it equally has the potential of making a particular medical condition worse, or even create new ones if inappropriately used.” –Acu-cell

Well, that is what they say anyway (They being Acu-cell). I’m at…Biggby. Yes, many would say this was my favorite coffee shop. You know, if I were miraculously allowed to drink good milk (ie 2%) mixed with sugar (syrups) and I had a place with a big kitchen I would use what would have been wine racks for syrup bottles (I would also have an espresso machine even if I was forbidden to have any caffeine today.). I would have gourmet grape juice as well.

Sigh.

I’m trying to keep myself up (not tired and happy). ‘People watching’ maybe that will work. That person over there appears to be ‘people watching’ as well. I feel like going to the mall to people watch. I should have gotten a grande… so thirsty.

After the initial evaluation (I went to go see consoling today.) the evaluator told me that I should go see someone the same place as my pDoc. Glad I didn’t mess up and say escalator right? I was tempted. Anything it was concluded that I had Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder. Wow! What an eventful day. The evaluator did however ask, “You are very medicated. You talk without inflection. I wonder if I have any trouble reading.”

“Yes.”

“Have you done illegal drugs…?” Long list of “No.”

“Do you drink caffeine?”

“Yes, but only after noon.” (No, I am kidding. I said, “but my Dr. says I can not have it after noon.”)

“You must stop having coffee, if you have coffee it must be decaf.”

I didn’t dare to ask him about tea. No coffee ever? I’ve lost my train of thought and I am leaving it there.

Back to the present, I am sipping tea… fake tea (herbal tea), because tea has caffeine in it and I don’t think it would be good to have a whole teapot after noon. Yes, at Seattle’s Best they offer whole teapots, but they have a very limited tea selection. What I was at Biggby and walked across the street to Borders.

I have a challenge. I have two hours to finish one teapot. Cheers. Do you want to take my teacup challenge? Espresso might be shots, but tea is cultured. It is like waxing your car. Excuse me for a second.

Wow, I’ve finished 15 min of drinking tea. I fill stuffed, what a good meal. I will make a dent into the level of water in this teapot. I wish I had someone to share with. Tea wonderful tea. You know what? They should have a music sign somewhere on the keyboard. One extra key wouldn’t have been that hard to squeeze in. Just take out the ‘a.’ No one ever uses the ‘a.’ See I almost wrote a sentence without it. It would be hard to put out that one does not use the ‘a’ without using an ‘a.’

Wow, look at that blended coffee drink. Anyone want to gain 5 pounds? Sadly it looks like this dude has the metabolism I used to have, before I gained weight. Stupid, stupid me. All I needed to do was take a step back. Say no it is not good to have pasta all the time, or to live off Ben and Jerry’s and potatoes. It might be true that your ancestors did but Ben and Jerry have changed.

In some ways, in some ways. Give me a second. Good tea. Give it some time to settle in my stomach.

I don’t know what, but this peppermint tea is making me feel better. I was sure a bad thing was on its way, but this tea is saying, “No all you need is Refreshment. All you need to do is to seat down and to write,” “Yes, yes, that I can do! I might have trouble finding a plug, but I will try.”

And the clouds roll in (the flat kind you see in cartoons) and we sing (my teapot and me) “Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Hiding behind the trees. We are asking you to please come out and play with us. Mr. (why is the sun male?) sun, sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Won’t you please shine down on. Please shine down one me.” –Raffi

And the sunlight hits the rim of the teacup. The top of the teapot, and creates a reflection on a clear plastic panel. So very Mediterranean the building it reflects. At least the buildings tiles, or I guess it is better to say a mix between Roman arches and Art Deco. Turning around and looking at it, the building doesn’t know where it fits in. So lets just say, Art deco, as if that explains everything.

I better slow down with this teapot. I’m almost done and my time here isn’t almost done. I guess I could ask for more water…perhaps you can better understand just how much liquid I can consume, and I don’t even need to go to the bathroom.

I can consume a lot of everything now. My sister says that I have an appetite for life. Party. Party. Party. Tonight I go to a humor show. Ha ha ha. practice with me. I’ve been practicing all semester. Open you mouth and say, “Ha ha ha.” Ahhh. 23 mins of battery power and the tables my plugs are taken. I might have to finish this tea faster then I thought.

It is only a matter of time now. When the computer goes out, I will gulp down all the tea. Oh, I Love Egg. I wonder what they are doing now. Do you think that they made it?

My brain is drifting to a lightheaded feeling again. I used to call it dullness. La la la la. You would think lightheaded would be happy, instead of so disabling. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What is so stupid about it? I don’t know. Its just that I don’t like it, but I have to face it. Makes me feel stupid for having a brain that is so messed up. For all this.

Ok. I had to make a run for it. My battery was complaining so I got food and walked to the place I am… that sounds like Naomi and Nate. They do not appear to be coming this way. And walked to the place I am supposed to go for class tonight. It is a special night. My class is going to a humor show. It is not in a club like we would have liked, but it is free.

There is not wireless right here. This is a campus building! What are they thinking? Didn’t they know that students want to come up here for secret studies? Well, I don’t know what their diabolical plans are (they do not want students hanging around this area), but there are those like me who can temporarily go off the Internet so they failed. Look they even covered up their piano. I can think of another better (not really…maybe worse) part of campus where there are two uncovered pianos.

Waiting, watching, wishing

I am waiting. I feel like I am not ill enough, but mine will last for years. It’s just another blow to my health. I have little to say here. It is hard to talk in this place. I hope I don’t catch anything. The dude I sat by had pink eye. If I come here and end up with a fatal sickness it is all my own fault.

How am I supposed to exercise? At least I made it to class. I need to exercise. I need to burn away all this cholesterol. I’m so young. The picture on the website showed a grandpa. The first time I really worked out (other then gym class) my legs hurt until they went numb. So lets see… I was much skinner. I wonder what my veins look like after all these years.

I’ve been so sick for so long. It is because of all this time sleeping and such and such. I so bored. I have already worried about this and I have set up an appointment, yet now I have to wait and I am finally hungry. It is not like I can stop by Wendy’s. I am not very good at having high blood sugar. No breakfast, no time to stop for lunch. Maybe I am waiting to have my blood work done. :) Watch, I had a drink… now of those juices that is basically fruit. Really it isn’t juice it is pureed fruit. I think it is good sugar. I wish I could stop by Wendy’s. Stomach hungry. Health, not good.

I wonder if I was born with it, bad veins or something. Maybe it is too little water. Ahhh! I WHAT GREEN TEA! Yet, no it has too much caffeine.

I so much do not like a certain class. I don’t care if the Professor likes my paper ideas. I do not like having to write 15 pages. I think I have sat in the waiting room long enough. Wait, I have to stay here. It says I need to be here 15 mins before the appointment. I wish airborne worked. In a way it did. It is called the Placebo effect.

Wonderful isn’t it. It will not work anymore. I didn’t like the taste of it anyway. It was never as popular around my area was it was in some places (which will not be mentioned).

I yesterday I got all my stuff together. Thinking, “I’m either going to the hospital or school tomorrow. I might be in the hospital for a while so put on a nice bra. Leave my computer it could be stolen.” Yet, if I did have a heart attack it is not like they would have grabbed my stuff. Still, it might have been convenient (for others) to have all my medications in one bag.

I don’t get my sister and saying not to worry. Saying I should enjoy the Spring, and think of those…now 16 day until I need my project into the Sculpture Studio.

Wow. My health is really something indeed. All those times when it felt like something was getting stuck in my vein (in my leg) and the blood was skipping through. Really, really wonderful.

That night when my foot felt horrible I tossed and turned trying to find an angle that it didn’t hurt, but nothing worked. I slid the blanket between my little toe (that cannot move on it’s own) and the one right by it. It seemed that this was where the pain was most.

While exercising that time I talk about. I felt that not enough oxygen was in my blood, so that it could not reach the foot.

Hello today,

It looks cold outside. I was able to get up at eight in the morning, but consider how long I slept yesterday, and all the time I spent trying to sleep so that I could get up early in the day. Looking at the snow outside I have decided to change to a much warmer plan for the day then waiting around for a late buses. I am going to pull my hair back (if I remembered where I put my hair ties) and exercise. This will hopefully wake me up, so that I can spend the day reading or writing. Oh, boy!

I started the day with three things that should cheer me up. On finding that my milk had turned sour and ruined my oatmeal, I made up some Deluxe Kraft Mac and Cheese that does not require butter or milk. I also managed to make one outstanding cup of Matcha (special tea) and had a small cup of grape juice. It was like this: one sip of tea and the good feeling that comes with it, and then a sip of grape juice and whatever good feeling comes from that.

Really grape juice makes me feel wonderful. It might be a result of people growing grapes for such a long time. Our bodies might have developed a special way love of it. At times I’ve wondered if it should be studied for mental benefits on brain disorders (like fish oil). When I was chugging down grape juice I was a whole lot happier.

Sadly my chugging of juice was (in my opinion) the main reason I had high blood sugar. I’ve wondered if the sugar was inhibiting (by taking up so much space) other chemicals and medications in my brain, but more likely my mind was subconsciencely looking for things that made it feel better and it found something in grape juice.

My craving for grape juice disappeared when an antidepressant was added to my menu. Instead I found tea, chocolate, and caffeine.

Staying in today will save me money. Exercise should save me money in the long run.

Yesterday, with the few hours I was up, I started a contest with my sister to see who could keep a healthy sleep schedule the longest. (Hence me going back to bed so early.) She told me that I should aim for 10 hours of sleep every night.

I made an appointment to see my pDoc, but she is busy until March 17. I guess that gives me time to see if I can get my act together. Here comes Act I.