Deep thoughts

Later today I am going to see the Harry Potter movie with my father.

I have been wondering lately if I am spoiled. If, after all these years it took leaving home and coming back to spoil me. I think the main difference between me being spoiled or not is that I would take a job if it were offered to me.

I shouldn’t worry; the school year is coming up soon at which point I will not be given the liberty of being the slightest bit rotten.

So, I guess I should enjoy it while I can. Being able to sleep as much as my medication makes me. Eating my parents’ food for free. Free Internet, even if it is turned off at midnight. Sigh.

I still am upset that I can sleep as much as I tend to do, but today I woke up after only nine hours of sleep so I am happy! Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy. Dance. Furby, Dance.

All and all things are looking up, but I still have those horrible moments where I am really, really sad. They are stronger then they used to be. They used to be this bad feeling that I could not place, but now I can tell it is depression. I feel so like the world is full of pain, that life is pain, and I start thinking of killing myself. Sigh.

I do not want any more medication changes. I feel that the ones that I am on are good, but honestly I have my moments. I don’t know what to do. If I told my family they would just be afraid, so I tell my therapist.

My therapist knows everything about this, I think, and we have a contract that I will call the emergency services before I try to kill myself.

I really feel horrible about what my family would go through if I died. I hear everything that they are doing now, like my brother getting an interview, and I wonder if they would have been too full of grief to function.

What great pain they would face I do not know. All I know is that I wasn’t meant to kill myself with the aspirin. I was meant to live through what I have faced since than, or I wouldn’t have lived it. If I wasn’t meant to I could have just crawled up into a ball and died, at any time, at any moment. Sigh.

Talk to you later.