Last day Spring Break

What will I write on this lovely winter day with the melting snow? Well this post isn’t going to write itself. For a second when I opened a word document I just stared at it wondering what was wrong with it? Why weren’t there any words going across the screen, and then I remembered that you have to write the words in order to get them to show up. Until the day when documents write themselves, we will be forced to do the dirty work of typing.

I have read, for a long time now. Tomorrow Spring Break is over, and I will be back in the game. Get your head in the game. Oh, High School Musical! Could they sing those words just one more time? This time unlike the hundreds of other times they had to say it. It’s not like I go around watching Disney made for TV movies. I just have connections to some cool people who happen to love High School Musical.

The other day, I ended up at the movies, and the soonest movie on the list was, The Spiderwick Chronicles. So that is what my brother and me watched. When asked if he like it my brother said, “It’s a movie.” We came to the conclusion that we had not just ruined one book, but every single chronicle. When asked if he thought he would like the books my brother said, “Its good enough to get a movie made out of it.” Overall though, I think it was more fun, and healthier, then if we went to Barnes and Noble (I am drawn to the Starbucks their and the vast offering of sweets that you cannot find in a normal Starbucks.)

I am in a contest with my sister on who can last longer keeping an early bird schedule. My sister concluded that due to my medications I now should aim for 10 hours of sleep, so I would go to bed at 10 pm, and wake up at 8 am. She needing only 8 hours of sleep will also be going to bed at 10 pm, but waking up at 6 am. So far we have both lost the first day, so we canceled each other out. If I win my sister is going to get me a slice of that Godiva Double Chocolate Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake. If I lose I have to make my sister something in clay.

I somehow think that I am at a disadvantage being that I am sleepy most of the time. I guess I have to learn how to face it. It makes me so mad. I got a good number of hours of sleep last night, not too much or too little, and yet I feel like I need to sleep. Not that I want to sleep. And for seconds or minutes it lifts and I feel normal. Getting up usually activates my mind, but even working out I get sleepy.

“Why are you smiling?” my brother asks me. “Because I had caffeine today.”

Now I stare at my floor. I touched up a rough draft, but it is just a draft. I couldn’t work on it anymore. My mind would not get into that mode. It is a draft after all. So I read for a number of hours and here I am now, bubbling away. Talking to air.

People on the level of Lamictal I am on sometimes complain about a dull feeling in their brain. I complained when I was on a smaller dose. My brain seems so quiet, yet here I am talking, so something must be going on. I talk, and smile. I am happy and yet I am tired. Everyone’s brain is like a fingerprint, unique like strips on a tiger. My brain, or body is tired. Do I stop breathing at night?

I am told that no good comes from knowing one has a sleep disorder. Oxygen tanks that make the person so uncomfortable that they cannot sleep, and if you are lucky (if the solution is that simple) nose surgery. Otherwise all you get is advice. Get well, be healthy, try to keep healthy hours no good. I’ve slept two days in a row! True, I was making up for days when I was forced to keep normal, or slightly more normal sleeping hours. The 30 hours on Christmas doesn’t count because I had to get up for the opening of presents.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to get sleepiness out of my life? I don’t see my pDoc for another two weeks. (She went on vacation and was booked up when she came back.) I feel like I have been up studying (when in fact I was looking up stuff on Zoloft).

Baby steps

I did exercise. For once I didn’t focus on how many calories I was burning, but instead I focused on if I liked the pace I was moving at. My wonderful headphones are currently in a shape that would not work while moving (i.e. broken apart), and I didn’t want them to get all sweaty anyways. So I picked up a pair in put it on, it was wet with someone else’s sweat. Luckily I was alone in the room and could just turn the volume on the TV up. Someone came in, and I realized that it was polite to ask her if she wanted the sound on the TV. “No.” She had bloody headphones on.

So in the end I could only focus on my pace, breathing, heart, and mind. My mind was as follows: I want to tire myself out so I have energy in the day, but it fades at night; This is getting boring how much longer do I have to do this? and I always start out the first day working out with endless energy that I can not match on the other days; finally, after my feet and legs stop hurting (as they do when I walk into school every morning) I can go on and on for a long time.

Yes, pain in my feet and the bottoms of my legs have always been the main problem I face when exercising. I think that it has gotten worse due to my medications. Either way I walk slowly, because if I walk at the pace everyone else does my feet do not like me.

I began to research into my theory of Lamictal slowing the blood flow to my hands and feet, but I did not remember how I found that site, and wandered hopelessly through the web trying to find it. Is it the medication that is making it worse or am I just getting old? Maybe I do have a weak ankle. (Insiders joke)

I just spent who knows how long trying to figure out if Lamictal could suddenly start impacting my sleep after months and months of use, but it is more likely the anti-depressant. Either that or when I ran out of a certain medication, and not having been told, “Do not stop taking this medication when it runs out.” I thought it was a temporary thing. I was then told that it could make matters worse if you suddenly stop. So maybe it massed up my brain, so that I now have a sleep disorder.

Either way. I want to say goodbye to the anti-depressant. I also spent some time researching to see if Grape Juice fights depression. No studies. So I sent Welch’s the question, and added in a question about the sugars in their juice. Because somehow I think that the sugars in Grape Juice are different from others, why? I really don’t know. To me Grape Juice is this magical thing that makes something that I cannot have (i.e. wine). Let others waste their money on old grapes while I have the fresh and now.

On a side note, it would be hard to live in a place like France where wine is such a big part of the culture and be on a medication that says no alcohol. That is why I think there should be more Gourmet Grape Juice (with no sparkles/bubbles) because it isn’t just wasting something that could be quality wine. It is including those who need to take a step away from alcohol for medical or personal reasons.

I am not inventing Gourmet Grape Juice. In order to work (so everyday people will pick it up for a party) it would need some real work. Welsh’s rules the Grape Juice world, but they have only two kinds (blending with different fruits doesn’t count) red and white. If one goes to the wine section and they will see just how many other Grape Juices there could be.

If I were not a poor college student I would not just let the future roll over me. If you do not see the potential of Grape Juice, and Fair trade items you do not see a world you have a say in.

When I say poor you do not quite understand. I am poor in that I will be bound by the need for insurance. I cannot go out and be a freelance artist. I cannot go out and start my own business… (Not that I could anyway). Keeping a job with insurance will rule my life. I am tired. I get ready to go to bed now. Good night.

Hello today,

It looks cold outside. I was able to get up at eight in the morning, but consider how long I slept yesterday, and all the time I spent trying to sleep so that I could get up early in the day. Looking at the snow outside I have decided to change to a much warmer plan for the day then waiting around for a late buses. I am going to pull my hair back (if I remembered where I put my hair ties) and exercise. This will hopefully wake me up, so that I can spend the day reading or writing. Oh, boy!

I started the day with three things that should cheer me up. On finding that my milk had turned sour and ruined my oatmeal, I made up some Deluxe Kraft Mac and Cheese that does not require butter or milk. I also managed to make one outstanding cup of Matcha (special tea) and had a small cup of grape juice. It was like this: one sip of tea and the good feeling that comes with it, and then a sip of grape juice and whatever good feeling comes from that.

Really grape juice makes me feel wonderful. It might be a result of people growing grapes for such a long time. Our bodies might have developed a special way love of it. At times I’ve wondered if it should be studied for mental benefits on brain disorders (like fish oil). When I was chugging down grape juice I was a whole lot happier.

Sadly my chugging of juice was (in my opinion) the main reason I had high blood sugar. I’ve wondered if the sugar was inhibiting (by taking up so much space) other chemicals and medications in my brain, but more likely my mind was subconsciencely looking for things that made it feel better and it found something in grape juice.

My craving for grape juice disappeared when an antidepressant was added to my menu. Instead I found tea, chocolate, and caffeine.

Staying in today will save me money. Exercise should save me money in the long run.

Yesterday, with the few hours I was up, I started a contest with my sister to see who could keep a healthy sleep schedule the longest. (Hence me going back to bed so early.) She told me that I should aim for 10 hours of sleep every night.

I made an appointment to see my pDoc, but she is busy until March 17. I guess that gives me time to see if I can get my act together. Here comes Act I.

My plan was not a success. (As written yesterday)

I did not wake up today, until the day was over. The day is over. I am awake now, but the city buses will not run much longer, not long enough to justify going out. So I am in. Inside. My head feels funny. It has since last night. I wasn’t up in time to make my appointment with my pDoc, and this isn’t funny. I am sure I can twist it to some kind of humor, a sour kind with little light.

In my mind as I slept was an idea that I would need to present my Senior Project the moment I was back from break, but I was far from ready. I would have to stay up all night to be close, but I couldn’t because my pDoc told me I need eight hours of sleep every night. I had to do not only the Senior Project, but also readings for other classes, and some class I am not taking popped into my dream and I was sure I was taking it and had to do work for. I was aware that it was Thursday, and time was running out for break, but I couldn’t get myself up.

So perhaps you can understand now just how hard it is to wake up. Today was the day; if I could get up today I was going to use it to apply for jobs, because it would prove that the medication was working. I did not remember this when sleeping. I need the money. I guess I have enough food brought to last me a long time. So I will not go hungry.

This is the first time in my life that I have faced a problem like this for a whole year. Feeling hopeless isn’t a sign of depression, but frustration. Yet, I still hope, I hoped that this last medication change would workout so much that I waited about six weeks, maybe more. Even on the day when I slept two days, and recently when I slept about a day.

Starbucks

Introduced to me
in a bookstore,
with a gift certificate
the first coffee shop
I have ever been to,


a frappuccino
is what I love.
and I spilt a cheesecake
with my sister.

we look at dog books
and talk about which breed
we want to have.

we do not have a dog,
but I learned how to play
with my brother’s dog.
I learned the language of dog.

At the bookstore, it is so beautiful
my sister used to work at a library.


I used to work at that library.
I wonder if they give me a good reference?
I was a little crazy, and slow
because I stopped to put all the books back in order
and I drank lots of coffee.
thinking about it fills me with sadness.
give me a chance today!
and I will be quick like the others,

can I ever have a topic other then sleep?
my brothers yellow car,
days at the beach before we had air conditioning,
I give up… I sleep.

I am back,
I rested for a minute,
I was sting my a bee two times
at once
one on my arm
and one on my foot
at that point I decided to run.
my mom told me to take
one of her big Ibprophine’s
it was interesting.


I don’t like the idea of drugs,
I am in pain, but people didn’t used
to have medication so why take a painkiller?
the energy is out due to a snowstorm,
it is cold and it is a lazy day.
I am under the blanket
people used to rough it out
I’m not going to let drugs touch me


ha ha ha ha ha
I have to use mind-altering medication
I don’t even drink
I don’t smoke, never tried

so being a good girl
doesn’t save your mind
and taking care
not to get addictions
because I know I am addictive,
have you seen me play video games?

I wonder if
my family has the same
addictive tendencies,

I know my brothers
have the same

Mountain Dew for one,
but he has stepped away from it
Sports for another, keeps him healthy
and Video Games, like me.

Only I am not addicted
to anything other then sleep.
Once it was Video Games
I wish I could regain that,
for a while it was T.V.,

you have to do something
if you are antisocial
my Dad calls me antisocial
in a way he was right


Do you want to go see your Grandpa?
asked my mother.
No.
He is dieing.

He died, and I didn’t go to see him
in that time he was in between
I stayed at the house.
I hardly leave the house,

I make the now clean
and empty basement my own.
I am going to play basketball
in middle school
like my siblings
I’m going to get in shape
run in place
watch the clock,

there is a keyboard
of my brothers
I am going to use it
and I will teach myself to play,
and with this pencil
and this paper
I will make art
I will become a good artist.


Another summer I attempted to write a novel, fiction.

Aww,
the Blogger site
isn’t working right now.
I would have posted. I really would have.

Good here goes.

A post for last week

Dear Sir or Madame,

I had an interesting dream last night. I went into class and asked the Professor if he would just give me some information on a class I missed. He blow up at me asking, “WHAT WHERE YOU MANIC. Why are you using your illness as an excuse?” I started to cry and said; “You don’t understand my illness puts me at a disadvantage. My medication makes me so tired. All I’m asking for is a little help.” The Professor just keeps on yelling at me.

In another dream my Roommate was leaving because of how messy the apartment was. (My apartment is clean.) “I did my chore this week (the kitchen and living room get cleaned every week).”

When you sleep as much as I do, sleep infringes on your waking world. You will be doing something that suddenly reminds you of a dream you have had in the last few days, and dreams will build upon other dreams.

I feel kind of sick. I just had some cold oatmeal, because I think the Microwavable kind has a horrible texture once it is Microwaved. I don’t get it because you can Microwave the normal kind (I’m talking about the big round containers of oatmeal.) Personally I think the only difference is that the Microwavable kind is the cheaper kind of oatmeal. I’m guessing that the Microwavable kind is the stuff that is left over when all the bigger oats have been filtered out.

I am feeling much better now. Taking a pain killer on top of my medication is a real energy drag. Suddenly I pictured owning a restaurant, it must be the music I am listening to. Yes, I can listen to song with lyrics and write, but I cannot concentrate on reading and listen. I guess it is that I have never stopped to train myself. I used to use music to trigger my imagination. Yes, I had a dream world. I miss it. I had a dream about it a few weeks ago, and it all came rushing back, so I have not forgotten.

Or maybe I can write and listen to music with lyrics because my writing voice is so much stronger then my reading voice. I want to train myself to multi task, even if one’s mind can only really focus on one thing at a time (yeah right). I suddenly had an idea. It is because talking and listening are connected either by experience of talking to people or in the brain so a person has little trouble doing both. Reading is a different part of the brain, or our experiences (this is a guess).

I just pictured another dream where I was trying and trying to talk in a group of people, but I couldn’t get a word in no matter how hard I tried. I got so frustrated that I would talk over other people, but no one would listen.

I have many, many flavored waters at my apartment. I bought them before my roommate got a water filter. You see I somehow didn’t like the tap water (thought it was wonderful at the last apartment I was in), and did like the idea of spending money on plain bottled water, so I got bottled water with a flavoring. I also used tea to fix up the tap water, and ice seemed to help a little.

I have a horrible test to be studying for ba-hum-bug. I do not like the idea of tests. I do not like them at all. My sister is coming in so I have a lot of work I should be doing to have extra time for her, but if you can put something off why not?

--- Ok --- I’m back.
I was with my sisters. When I think of studying a horrible feel crawls up over me. I want to crawl up. I slide down the back of my lazy boy chair. I try to drown the feeling out with music. I didn’t have this problem before I was medicated. When I faced tests by studying late into the night. Something has made me more sensitive, where I now shatter under pressure. Yet I continue.

That original fear of going back to college after having a long depression made me cry at night. I wanted to switch into another class (this happens a lot with me), and in one email told a Professor all the reasons why I needed to be in her class, that I needed to do artwork about having Bipolar disorder. She took me to see an adviser who told me that 17 (or maybe 18) credits and a ten-hour job was crazy for anyone let alone anyone recovering from depression.

Hi again!!!!
It is another day.
I am up, but the weather is not. Please tell it to be a little warmer towards its guests. I had three Truffles today! Oh, and I cannot get into my Amazon account because I lost my wallet and called to have everything canceled (just in case). So I will forever have my crazy wish list up. So if anyone wants to get me a ring worth more then my collage tuition, or a 17 inch Macbook Pro. Feel free. ;) I went off and had another Truffle. I am like a bottomless pit when it comes to sweets, or of about anything. It is my medication, Zyprexa, the weight loss pills might keep me from feeling hungry, but I have noticed that I will eat until the plate is empty. I have a mid-term tomorrow, and I have to pick up medication today. No putting it off.

Chocobo - - Fair Trade Tea

A little sugar goes a long ways

Did I ever think that this lemonade was anything but sugar? I’m at ERC (coffee shop) and a few sips of a sugary yellow substance called lemonade has given me energy! Or at least the tiredness has passed for the time being. And people wonder why I am attracted to sweets. I feel nice like sugar and spice. I feel good. I knew that I would now. Guess the song! Frankly, I don’t know the title.

I like it at this ERC because the Internet works. I was tempted to go out to a Starbucks, because of the two-hour free Internet thing they are doing now, but then I thought, I have ruined my favorite drink by having so much of it, what is the point. Plus the blended drinks don’t taste the same with 2% milk and I can’t bring myself to ask for whole milk. (High cholesterol and all) So if it doesn’t taste right why waste money on it. So here I am with my lemonade found my way here after returning my CD’s to the library.

I think that I will get going and wait for the bus a little early… a lot early.

Oh no! The bus tricked me! It didn’t go by where I wanted it to at all. So here I am downtown. Gulped down my lemonade and bought admission into Seattle’s Best (in Borders). Some weird dude was preaching about religion, and then there was a book signing.

I wonder what Borders does with all the videos they make of the people who come in. They used to just have the writer come and talk in another area, with no big set up. Now the coffee shop has to stop using the espresso machine because of all the noise it would make. So everyone coming in looks like a big Hu La. Dance Furby Dance. Do do do…do do do.

The camera guys are talking about how to put together the video. Do do do… do do do. Ah, the wonderful sound of the espresso machine starting back up. Actually it is kind of loud. Today was a night on the town. Who cares if I am poor! Panda Express, Fruit and yogurt parfait, lemonade, tea, and now hot chocolate! What is my total for the day? I’m think about $15.

It goes like this. I need to return some CD’s to the library. I really NEED to. While I am waiting at the bus stop I look over at Panda Express and think food. So I get some food. I get on the bus (food closed) and jump off at a library branch. Eat food. Hide the rest of the food, and go into the library. After the library I pick up the food and I think Phish Food or coffee shop, Phish Food or coffee shop. I go for ERC. So I get a Fruit and Yogurt and later thinking that this was the end of my spending of the day I get lemonade.

I go to the bus and ended up in the wrong place. I thought two hours free wireless, Starbucks. Finding that the Starbucks was locked for an employee meeting I think Borders (for once I didn’t think of a shop formerly known as Beaners) and so I walk there. Inside a stereo of someone talking about Jesus greeted me, and I knew I would be limited to coffee or tea, or other non-noise making drinks. So I get something cheap, a Refresh tea.

Later I call my sister and see thinks I should go to a movie. I talk to her about how I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes, or alcohol (may I add: admission to clubs, non-prescription drugs, movies, and such and such). Either way, I decide to get a kids size Cocoa trio because all is fair in love and war… I don’t know why, but that just popped into my head.

This tea is too weak after the first round. Meaning I finished it and asked for more hot water, making the second round for the tea. It is still pleasant even if it is herbal tea, and therefore not real tea. I didn’t want caffeine so late at night. Maybe the two cups thing doesn’t work with herbal teas. So it is slightly flavored warm water. Which is just fine in this weather. Maybe it is just that my tongue has adapted to the mint taste because the color of the water is not weak at all.

Oh, mint tea. Always brings be back to the Sims 1. I am in the coldest room in the house, a room that the heating barely touches. A warm cup of Peppermint tea is at my side, and I am on the old computer (the new one is in the warmest room) playing the Sims 1.

I wonder sometimes what I would have done if the games when I was a child were as complex as they are now. When Kings Quest went 3-D and you had to fight creatures it seemed so out of the character of Kings Quest that I didn’t get out of the first town. Would I have enjoyed the Sims as much as I did, if it were as detailed as it is today? Would I have been trilled or would I have been scared way.

Like when I heard that in Final Fantasy VI the creatures evolve long with you. My whole strategy was to level up beyond that of the creatures, so that you could destroy them easily. In V I leveled up so much, and when it came to Chocobo raising, I needed that White Chocobo so I could run over mountains and water. Why? Because I wanted to.

Don’t you wish you could have spent hours and hours of your life learning from video games? I wasn’t much into doom, or that game where you (a little dude) move around the little squares, and there are things like ice and water, and stuff. I have seen knock offs of so many games on Neopets, and everywhere. do do DO DO DO DO DO, DO DO DO DO DO, DO DO DO DO.

Fair trade. Why is it that no one offers Fair trade tea? My back. So tired from backpack. FAIR TRADE TEA! Raise the battle cry. We are blessed (we have the money to have Internet). We love tea (everyone loves tea). FAIR TRADE TEA! and good tea too.

I should get moving. I’ve lingered in this place too long. Next time I get a pot of tea, like my sister recommends.