The monster gets ever closer

While I was at the library I did pick up a book on Cognitive-Behavior Therapy for Bipolar Disorder. The book is written for therapists, and it is interesting to see therapy from their point of view.

I have been feeling my brain a lot lately. It is more like my brain is demanding to be felt and it feels kind of like it did last summer. Only this time I have more to do. I have goals. Plans. Just thinking about them makes my brain feel better. It seems that when I am in-between action, or in other words doing nothing, that is when I start to feel down.

Typing this post is making me feel better, just like reading yesterday made me feel. I think going to the library triggered memories of sadness.

I don’t know what to do. The school year will make me busy, but it will not cure the problem. I know this because I remember thinking of killing myself a number of times while walking home. It wasn’t because of the pressure of school so much as the sadness in my brain. This feeling has never really gone away. It just lifts up in waves and crashes down in pain. Sure I can forget about it at times, but I will remember it.

I sleep a lot last night. I slept a lot and am still tired. A wave comes up.

Tomorrow I see my pDoc to talk about medication problems.

Perhaps I will be back later today...

I am back. It is nice to see you again. I hope all goes well. I think I will start doing Tarot card readings online again. It is something uplifting to do. It is about taking oneself and reaching out into the sublime. That is a scary thing to do, but I am welling to do it.

I am living today for tomorrow. I really cannot wait to see my pDoc.

I looked at my present for my brothers wedding and was amazed by how beautiful it was once again. I hope they will use it sometime. I think Dana will approve. I did not, however, pay the fee to get into the clay studio in order to make their present. I also did not buy the present from an art gallery, like I was tempted to do. It is still a beautiful gift, and I imagine they would like it. Why? Because I would like it and I have good taste.

Right now I am happy to be in Ann Arbor, it seems that I have to take life moment by moment despite what the books say about feeling normal once the right medication combination is reached. Lets face the horrible facts. This here and now might be it. I cannot afford to go down the slippery road during the school year, so whatever is wrong with me, whatever reason I have been having trouble with sleep ever since I was on Geodon, will have to be pushed into remission for the school year.

I will not give up. I already made it through one semester failing asleep in classes and managed to do enough in the time that I wasn’t sleep to still come out with A’s and B’s. So I need to stop worrying about the school year, because these things tend to come together for me in the end.