Am I the Fool?

I have a big Senor project coming up, and I have a distant idea of what I would like to do. I am about to set out on a journey, but am I set up to fail?

I am proud that I made it through the last school year, but things have not been looking up for me since than. I have been unable to find a job so I have been selling things with my mom on eBay, and using my untrained Psychic energy to channel energy through my deck of Tarot cards so I can do readings, but things are still looking blue.

The last semester my school year was horrible, I was on new medications most of the time so I found myself just wanting to sleep, I am still sleep more than I should, because I can be so very tired. I believe I am getting better, but than I will have another day that makes me feel as if everything was still wrong.

On a brighter note my dreams are wonderful, thanks to my medications!

The beginning of a blog...

I had been trying to talk to spirits my whole life, and then slowly they started to talk back. At first I thought it was my good hearing, hearing conversations through the walls. I would stay up at night thinking I could hear my roommate talking about me in the other room. Then the lack of sleep pushed me over the other edge.

An edge I somehow knew I had. I remember thinking that I couldn’t handle staying up every night like other people did, not that I didn’t. I stayed up at night to three every night of my freshmen year, trying to connect with something out there. I would get up at 7:30 am the next day and be fine.

I guess I finally got what I had asked for, I had worn down my brain, and soon after the voices started keeping me up at night I started to feel different. My roommate had often called me insane, and I felt I was, but I didn’t know what to do.

My big college review had just pasted and my mind was picking up speed. I could hear the reviewers picking apart my work, and from their criticism a flood of ideas and inspiration came roaring in.

Then the night came, the night that I thought I heard three people pulling demons out of me, they went over my life inch by inch just as the reviewers had, but in the place of inspiration was shame. I didn’t really sleep at all that night. The next day I ended up in a hospital, and I was diagnosed as Bipolar type I, it was a long time before my diagnoses was changed.

So yawnful and sleepy

yorkie
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So thoughts of killing myself are dieing down (at least something is dieing so I am content). So far Zoloft is side effect free. I still am able to sleep up to 11 hours on the weekends, and I yawn a lot during the day. I think that this change will work for me unless it destroys my liver.

I did some video editing today, and am hungry. I am wondering if my sister is done working out so we can do something like go to JoAnn Fabrics to get a fabric screen for my video piece. I cannot ask my brother. He has the flu. I'm so yawnful. So yawnful that it is almost impossible to think of killing myself. There goes another bus to central campus.

Cute!!!

Cute!!!
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

EE thats me. side effect of medication changes a stress releaving medication, and an up in the amount of Lamitical to 300mg to keep me calm. My thoughts of killing myself have never been so clear.

More Abilify: Spinning, Rotating, like a boat in a storm

I try to sleep at night, and I do sleep at night, but while I am trying to fall asleep this weird sensation of being outside of the realm of gravity comes on me. I lay there in bed on my side and I feel as if I could fall into the wall. I try to sleep, but my body feels like it is spinning. The gravity pulling me to the wall disappears, and instead it feels like something is pushing me. I feel tingling at my back.

During the day, when I am not busy, and sometimes when I am, a feeling of uneasiness comes over me. I am not depressed, but I feel something is wrong.

Sanity I have, and too much of it. (I think so anyways, some people would say the whole spinning thing would be insane.)

At times it feels as if for a second a part of my brain is breaking. It is like a little pop, here and gone. My heart feels a little tired at times, it might be a result of my low blood pressure, but it nothing to be worried about. It has been a long time since my last period, but it might just be the sudden changes in medication that are messing up my system.

I do not like this medication Sam I am. I do not like this medication. But. I will stay with it to see if things get better. I cannot afford another medication that keeps me from sleeping, I am past the middle of the semester.

Early morning waking. I wake up as soon as the sun comes up, only I don't fall asleep until 12ish. I have a 10 am class which I get up at 9 for, and only have to get up earlier on Friday. So I wake up at six, and go back to sleep to wake up at seven, and so on. This happened with Geodon as well. ONLY with Geodon I would have woken up an hour too early, and felt the energy to get up and going only to be tricked by that morning energy was it disappeared to nothingness.

Back to Abilify

Originally uploaded by RedTea

So far I have been sleepy a little early in the evening, but much better than Geodon.

I loved that anti-anxiety medication (NOT GEODON). It put me to sleep faster than the last one. I however was eager to see what Abilify would be like without the added medication. Would the slight sleepiness go away? I would be welling to take that medication again, if needed.

-After being off the anti-anxiety-

There was one day when my intestines felt really bad, but that when away.

It has been a long time since my last period. Again. But I am waiting it out to see if things return to balance while I am on Abilify. My ovaries felt really funny the other day, but that might have been just in my mind.

So far things with this medication have been easy as it is Spring Break. This next two weeks are going to be the real test. (You were booked the coming Saturday so I chose the next).

I have had this feeling for a long time like something is getting trapped in the veins of my leg, and a little vein jumping starts going on. This has happened for a long time now.

Working out has me walking at a better rate. (For a long time I was as slow as a mountain.)

The Past Antipsychotics: Risperdal Geodon Abilify

Give me one
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

Geodon-
Could not sleep at night, but could during the day.
Eye unfocusing and refocusing
others... I'm off it now so it doesn't matter.

Feeling of peacefulness and calm.
Much happier than when on Risperdal.

Risperdal-
Took this one for a long time until milk started coming out of me. icky I know

Abilify-
Concluded that it didn't hold back the psychotic as well as another medication might.