So yawnful and sleepy

yorkie
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So thoughts of killing myself are dieing down (at least something is dieing so I am content). So far Zoloft is side effect free. I still am able to sleep up to 11 hours on the weekends, and I yawn a lot during the day. I think that this change will work for me unless it destroys my liver.

I did some video editing today, and am hungry. I am wondering if my sister is done working out so we can do something like go to JoAnn Fabrics to get a fabric screen for my video piece. I cannot ask my brother. He has the flu. I'm so yawnful. So yawnful that it is almost impossible to think of killing myself. There goes another bus to central campus.

Cute!!!

Cute!!!
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

EE thats me. side effect of medication changes a stress releaving medication, and an up in the amount of Lamitical to 300mg to keep me calm. My thoughts of killing myself have never been so clear.

More Abilify: Spinning, Rotating, like a boat in a storm

I try to sleep at night, and I do sleep at night, but while I am trying to fall asleep this weird sensation of being outside of the realm of gravity comes on me. I lay there in bed on my side and I feel as if I could fall into the wall. I try to sleep, but my body feels like it is spinning. The gravity pulling me to the wall disappears, and instead it feels like something is pushing me. I feel tingling at my back.

During the day, when I am not busy, and sometimes when I am, a feeling of uneasiness comes over me. I am not depressed, but I feel something is wrong.

Sanity I have, and too much of it. (I think so anyways, some people would say the whole spinning thing would be insane.)

At times it feels as if for a second a part of my brain is breaking. It is like a little pop, here and gone. My heart feels a little tired at times, it might be a result of my low blood pressure, but it nothing to be worried about. It has been a long time since my last period, but it might just be the sudden changes in medication that are messing up my system.

I do not like this medication Sam I am. I do not like this medication. But. I will stay with it to see if things get better. I cannot afford another medication that keeps me from sleeping, I am past the middle of the semester.

Early morning waking. I wake up as soon as the sun comes up, only I don't fall asleep until 12ish. I have a 10 am class which I get up at 9 for, and only have to get up earlier on Friday. So I wake up at six, and go back to sleep to wake up at seven, and so on. This happened with Geodon as well. ONLY with Geodon I would have woken up an hour too early, and felt the energy to get up and going only to be tricked by that morning energy was it disappeared to nothingness.

Back to Abilify

Originally uploaded by RedTea

So far I have been sleepy a little early in the evening, but much better than Geodon.

I loved that anti-anxiety medication (NOT GEODON). It put me to sleep faster than the last one. I however was eager to see what Abilify would be like without the added medication. Would the slight sleepiness go away? I would be welling to take that medication again, if needed.

-After being off the anti-anxiety-

There was one day when my intestines felt really bad, but that when away.

It has been a long time since my last period. Again. But I am waiting it out to see if things return to balance while I am on Abilify. My ovaries felt really funny the other day, but that might have been just in my mind.

So far things with this medication have been easy as it is Spring Break. This next two weeks are going to be the real test. (You were booked the coming Saturday so I chose the next).

I have had this feeling for a long time like something is getting trapped in the veins of my leg, and a little vein jumping starts going on. This has happened for a long time now.

Working out has me walking at a better rate. (For a long time I was as slow as a mountain.)

The Past Antipsychotics: Risperdal Geodon Abilify

Give me one
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

Geodon-
Could not sleep at night, but could during the day.
Eye unfocusing and refocusing
others... I'm off it now so it doesn't matter.

Feeling of peacefulness and calm.
Much happier than when on Risperdal.

Risperdal-
Took this one for a long time until milk started coming out of me. icky I know

Abilify-
Concluded that it didn't hold back the psychotic as well as another medication might.

False Alarm

The sharp noon light
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

I slept so well last night that I am sure my hearing of a song was a false alarm. Some neighbor, or a car driving by must have been playing loud music. I display none of the signs of being manic. If anything I would say I am baseline. Yawn. One thing is for sure. Geodon makes me yawn. I do not feel overly tried just sleepy. Eight hours of deep smooth sleep and I am still cloudy eyed.

Yesterday, my Mother told me that my eyes were glazed over. She stopped into town to take me grocery shopping, and out to eat. The first thing we did was go to Mass where everything went as usual. During the last two years of my life, prier to becoming Bipolar I had hardly gone to mass, as I figured that it wasn’t something God would look down on. When I was manic however I regretted this. Having been taught that it was important to good to mass everyday, my manic self was afraid I had sinned.

This was an important thing because I thought that I was died, and needed to know if I was slated to go to heaven, hell or purgatory. I was afraid I was in hell when I was locked in a small room all alone.

I will tell you more about that later.

I have been so afraid of every little of sound at night being from inside my head that I am wearing myself out. I wasn’t afraid of this before Thanksgiving. It is only at night that I have this problem.

I don’t know if I can trust this Geodon yet. I feel very happy now that I am on it. Happy, peaceful, and at the same time tired and medicated. I guess things are really the same as usual, its just now I do not have deadlines to distract me. I will have a hard time with life when I am out of college, without the entertainment of consent assignments and deadlines I suffer all encompassing boredom. I am sure that I will get stuck in some boring office job filing away papers.

What in the world would I do without consent education.

Geodon after two days

Two fish meet
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So far I can live with Geodon. At first I had this extremely peaceful feeling where I felt safe and open for attack at the same time. I felt as if I didn’t care I had an insane hiccup, but that I was so impaired by this calm that one could happen at anytime.

I read through the list of all the things that Geodon might do to me: everything from loss of hair, to eyes bleeding, to death. I have to admit that not too long ago I was begging God to just kill me, so death is the side effect I am least afraid of. Just as long as it is painless, or even if it hurts I don’t care.

Do not worry about me through. I could never kill myself, and I try not to think about wanting to die too much or else I think I would be a step closer to being able to. You see I am leaving my death in Gods hands, which is why I was begging to him. I realize that if I were to kill myself it would be much more painful to my family than if I just died. I also don’t want to try and fail, and only hurt myself in the process.

I just want to stop and tell you that I just heard a voice singing, “I love you” and something I couldn’t quite make out. It wasn’t too scary, but the light in my room is on right now so everything is different than it would be in the dark. I don’t know why these little hiccups have suddenly started to happen. It started before I was on new medication, and I don’t have racing thoughts so I am a little confused.

Anyway, I have this fear that I have tried to kill myself, and I have broken my neck. I want to die, but I can do nothing about it. I am in so much more pain because of my broken neck.

Do you think that the singing I heard was just someone in another apartment playing music? Is this worry about me being out of my mind just in my head? Before I was manic I knew something was wrong, but is there any guarantee that I would know?

I have stopped to ponder that voice. It sounded like an opera singer, and it repeated the same verse over and over “I love you.” Plus something I could not make out.

Is it possible that Geodon is going to make me hallucinate again? It wasn’t listed as one of the side effects. I will give it some more time, and if I continue to be confused I will force myself to tell my doctor.

I was doing so well, until that one night when so many factors added up together made it the perfect time to have a hiccup.

During that hiccup, I wanted to go off my medication because the government was forcing me to take that medication the same way like it forces so many others. In reality there are many people who scream for help in the night trying to claw their way out of this reality. I put my hands against the wall and I push. My hand does not break the wall or make it bind, and it doesn’t pass through. Stand up on you bed, and push the corners of your room where the three sides meet. That is your little box and you cannot break it.

I think I heard that once when I was insane, someone screaming and trying to claw their way out of a room.