Geodon after two days

Two fish meet
Originally uploaded by RedTea.

So far I can live with Geodon. At first I had this extremely peaceful feeling where I felt safe and open for attack at the same time. I felt as if I didn’t care I had an insane hiccup, but that I was so impaired by this calm that one could happen at anytime.

I read through the list of all the things that Geodon might do to me: everything from loss of hair, to eyes bleeding, to death. I have to admit that not too long ago I was begging God to just kill me, so death is the side effect I am least afraid of. Just as long as it is painless, or even if it hurts I don’t care.

Do not worry about me through. I could never kill myself, and I try not to think about wanting to die too much or else I think I would be a step closer to being able to. You see I am leaving my death in Gods hands, which is why I was begging to him. I realize that if I were to kill myself it would be much more painful to my family than if I just died. I also don’t want to try and fail, and only hurt myself in the process.

I just want to stop and tell you that I just heard a voice singing, “I love you” and something I couldn’t quite make out. It wasn’t too scary, but the light in my room is on right now so everything is different than it would be in the dark. I don’t know why these little hiccups have suddenly started to happen. It started before I was on new medication, and I don’t have racing thoughts so I am a little confused.

Anyway, I have this fear that I have tried to kill myself, and I have broken my neck. I want to die, but I can do nothing about it. I am in so much more pain because of my broken neck.

Do you think that the singing I heard was just someone in another apartment playing music? Is this worry about me being out of my mind just in my head? Before I was manic I knew something was wrong, but is there any guarantee that I would know?

I have stopped to ponder that voice. It sounded like an opera singer, and it repeated the same verse over and over “I love you.” Plus something I could not make out.

Is it possible that Geodon is going to make me hallucinate again? It wasn’t listed as one of the side effects. I will give it some more time, and if I continue to be confused I will force myself to tell my doctor.

I was doing so well, until that one night when so many factors added up together made it the perfect time to have a hiccup.

During that hiccup, I wanted to go off my medication because the government was forcing me to take that medication the same way like it forces so many others. In reality there are many people who scream for help in the night trying to claw their way out of this reality. I put my hands against the wall and I push. My hand does not break the wall or make it bind, and it doesn’t pass through. Stand up on you bed, and push the corners of your room where the three sides meet. That is your little box and you cannot break it.

I think I heard that once when I was insane, someone screaming and trying to claw their way out of a room.