Essentially - Wonderful

This computer is the best ‘toy’ I have ever had. I can just keep typing on and on. The entertainment never stops. Nor does the heat. I’ve pulled back my hair. It appears to have warmed up a bit. I thought to would be a wonderful just warm day, but of course.

Time has passed and here I am again. It has cooled down a lot. So that is good. Let me open AIM again. Who do you think will be on? My sister and an old classmate. My sister is obviously working.

The wind keeps on opening and closing my door. OH! I was reading a few manga/anime, and two ended up being about relationships between teachers and students. hehehe Disgusting. “7th Period is a Secret,” was one of them.

You might be wondering why I never underline or italics even when it is supposed to happen. This is because I write in Microsoft Word and copy and paste, but the underlines and italics don’t transfer somehow, so I just live with it. I guess in this case there wouldn’t be a need to underline, but it just popped into my head.

I have finally stopped dripping sweat. Yes, I was hot. I want to go somewhere and do something with someone. Bah-humbug. I am so poor. Bonsai are sick. What to do, what to do? Poor Bonsai. If I go somewhere then they will want to get coffee or food or something, and I would want to as well.

It was so hot that after giving my sister a ride into work (she said it was too hot to walk) I was drawn into the cafe and got a Vitamin Water, and if I go into that cafe I have to get a little round chocolate candy. So there I was looking at the trees that cover up the trail through the park by the river while the wind blow across my sweat and made me cool. And I thought to myself this is clearly the work of God.

Why have I changed so much? I was an uptight young college freshman once who made the biggest fuss over little things. I remember getting mad at my sisters for talking to me about always having trouble getting in connect with me and I thought to myself I’m grown up now they shouldn’t be lecturing me. So I decided to just stop talking. They decided to stop by to see why I wasn’t talking, which only made me madder and after a long while I explained.

Then the next year, lol OMG that was quite a year. What can I say… by the end of the school year I had developed Bipolar disorder, but I might have had some elements of it for a long time. So some would say that what changed is I am now properly medicated for my symptoms, whereas before my brain ran free, but.

But, while I might have had some elements which Psychiatrists would say was Schizoaffective I lived. I functioned. If a person is able to live unhindered by what is different, what is wrong with letting my brain run free and fully develop before throwing medications on me. I did well in school in the end or I wouldn’t be where I am now, and so many suffer in pre-college schooling. There was nothing wrong with me, but the system in which I learned.

My parents recognized that I was different, and let me be who I was. I was shy, but I had my whole family on my side. It wasn’t until my illness actually started to grow that problems arose, and I am glad that I had those years away from the system, which tells me what is right and wrong. That I am wrong and needed righting. I would firmly stand by the facts for one starting out, but I am not in therapy right now.

Right now, I just write, and you notice I haven’t written in a long time (if you look back at my old postings). Yet I am proud to say that I hit the 200 posts mark, and my posts can be verrrrrrrrry long.

What am I blubbering about? Don’t listen to me and if you are suffering from anything, illness or otherwise, get therapy because you will (if you get a good consular) count down the days to your next appointment. I just ran out one year and haven’t taken the initiative to start back up. I guess I should… but it is too late today. YAWN.

Good day, good bye, ta ta. Ba-bye

More for today!

I’m chatting a little while I’m talking to you know so if I seem even more like I have A.D.D. forgive me. In reality when I was younger I had a focus that very strong. That is how I did well in school. Science most of all just captivated me. I was amazed by the ‘possible lies’ that were thought to me. After all, people used to believe that you could tell if a person would be a criminal by the shape of their head and facial features. Isn’t it comforting thinking that you can explain things with formulas? Once you experience something impossible this foundation cracks.

So I turned away from Science and faced another world to that of Tarot, but at the same time my religion frowned upon this. So the war that used to be between Science and Religion (some think this war still exists) was taken up by me in the form of Magic vs Religion. Religion was makes it seem Magic is possible, but it would be more correct to look at it as miracles not Magic. Magic is something humans can call upon and control while in Religion we can only ask for aid.

I wonder if my ancestors ever visit me? My ancestors include a Nun and Monsignor or two. They would be happy to see me, as a Catholic too wouldn’t they? Would they understand that old need I used to have to connect something supernatural, or when I was in love to know if I was loved back? To ask, “Am I going to fail this course (which I would pass with an A or B in the end)?”

Somehow I stopped caring. I don’t need to know the future I’ll just follow the wave that is life. Who needs to connect the supernatural, I’ll have forever to do that, and I only will be alive now. Unless we are reborn on Earth in which case I still have a lot of time so why rush.

Somehow for a while I lost my nervousness and I didn’t know how to drive myself without nerves. Yet today I do feel like using Tarot cards… not to see the future, but to touch the other side.

I was always… I could quite say envious, but awed and looking up to those Saints that where about to see God. I wanted God, Jesus, Mary, Angels or other holy things to become visible to me. If I could see this I would know that I would be guided by God and I could go out and help the world. I could take the risk of not going to college, and living a life of what I had been taught in Religious class, but the holy never became visible to me.

So I went to art school. I wanted to get into the University so much and I felt that art was the only way that I could get in. My plan was to transfer to LSA if it didn’t work out, but I just settled. I didn’t go on the journey of ‘what do I want to become.’ I just stayed with what others said I was good at, and now I’m done with art school, and I feel that I am not a good enough artist to continue in the field. My Professors tell me I am good at writing. So I write.

My sister R. disagrees with me, but writing is something that flows in my genes. My siblings T., A., and R. are all praised as wonderful writers, and somewhere along the way I was praised. I am told I have a unique voice… that is certainly true, but that doesn’t make me good… yet. I would need to work on it a little more.

More Matcha Please

Tea. Matcha. That is a green tea that I made a big deal about getting. Somehow tea is one of those things that both calms me and wakes up my mind. Just a little and I have gone from, “Oh, I want to go back to bed.” to “I want to write about tea!” If I were a scientist studying moods and possible new ways to fight Bipolar disorder I would have no end of things to look into. It is because I have a sensitive brain that can pick up on the slightest change. I think I am going to make more tea. I will be back soon.

All I need to do now is wait for the tea to cool a little. This makes two days now. Two days of normal sleeping hours! Just 8 hours of sleep, and sure I was a little sleepy when I got up, but writing and tea seem to have given me more energy then I have had in a long time… for those of you who are not filled in (did not read my older posts) at one point I was sleeping up to 16 hours a day because of medication. Sometimes I lose a whole day to sleep, but I can force myself to get up in order to live life a little.

I had a few readers once, but then I posted some stuff I wrote for a humor class (we were talking about how the gross is funny and etc) and I lost a link to my site and at least one person even pulled out of my polls. I have learned my lesson and will keep disgusting humor stuff out of my blog.

I forget why a blog is called a blog. I know it is short for online personal journal, but where did the b come from…?

Hmmm. I had a sudden vision of my brother W. at Borders talking about this. We were in the coffee shop. I like coffee shops. They are of comforting. I almost made up a special espresso drink today with the machine my sister S. left when she moved out of down, but I have forgotten the temp. of the milk. We had everything needed for a homemade vanilla cappuccino, for maybe a caramel latte.

Yummy. Tea is so good. After I run out of this Matcha I cannot afford anymore. I only have one or two cups worth. Goodbye Matcha.

Why is it that Word does not accept the word ‘blog’ as a correct spelling?

Don’t tell me truth hurts little girl, because it hurts like hell. –Underground, David Bowe That is what I have been listening to… the soundtrack to Labyrinth. How I ended up with it is a secret (no shoplifting or internet downloading) can you guess what I did?

Anyway. Look at the time! Based on the lighting I would have never guessed that it was almost 10:00 am. Lately it has been sunny, but it looks like today is cloudy and sunny. I want to walk in the park. Yawn. I am not sleepy. It is just I need new music now that Labyrinth is over. Lawrence of Arabia is just on cutting it. MIKA… needs more lyrics. There this one, The Nightmare Before Christmas, will give me two or three songs I like.

Anyway. My room is very clean now. I even packed up my winter clothes. I will have to take them home because it will be cheaper to wash them there and my Mom insisted on storing them for me. La la la la Whats this?

How is it that tea combats that weird feeling in my brain? That dull feeling. That feeling like I am still asleep. I know it has caffeine but pops (sodas) don’t do this. Oh no. I need some more songs! You might find out that it takes me time and a half to read because of medication. Plus, I have always been a slow typer.

Oh if you can find it the song Calculus Girl in the album skaflaskes by the ninjas do so. I love the lyrics, and the band has personality. Lets see if I can find it for you. Ahhh! I cannot find it!

There I got a few good snaps out of my back. Just a little yoga in the morning can really help the back. It is amazing how good yoga can make ones back feel. I didn’t realize that my back was upset, but after some yoga it became happy, and I wasn’t even doing the back relief yoga poses.

Do you know what is funny? The only thing that gets upset when I do yoga is my feet. For some reason they start to hurt. My poor feet are always upset. As I walk uphill they will start to hurt and then my legs will start to hurt and then everything goes numb.

…I’ve just looking at my bunny mug. It has a handle with a bunny on it ears popping out. On the mug is a picture of two bunny’s dressed up with hats going towards a church with no cross on it so maybe I am just imaging they are going to Easter mass. It cost me about 25 cents in a thrift store. The casher agreed that it was a keeper.

Lets see. I have to matching Halloween mugs, one Christmas one, one Easter one, and my sister (and roommate) has a valentines one. So I need the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. (I think that New Years is too cheesy and falls under the category of Christmas.)

I used to think that when you where reading in class you where supposed to silently let people read the parentheses on their own, so when I skipped over them my English teacher got all mad at me. “YOU DON’T JUST SKIP THE PARENTHESES!” said the evil English teacher. I, however, was surprisingly unaffected and barely even looked up. You would think that a teacher blowing up over even such a small thing would upset a shy student like me.

Yesterday's (Sunday's) post

I have the habits of a recluse, but at the same time I love people. It is just given the chance (and with little money) I shelter myself inward, into my room. I read the anime Deathnote (I’m not ruining the story you can figure this out in the first few pages), and I thought if I had a death note (a notebook that the names written in it die) I would never write in it, I would burn it, but then I thought of the most wanted list. The people that are so dangerous the world wants them dead or alive.

Would it be any different then going to war and killing people to take out the most wanted? From then on wouldn’t it be a slippery slope down to what Light was doing?

This said, the anime Inuyasha (in the manga form not TV) is almost done. After years of waiting I will know the end. What a relief. Oh and unlike some TV series that follow the manga page by page and word by word Naruto does not.

Should I wake up (call) my sister yet… is she sleeping? Is she too busy to go to mass?

Ok. While I was doing other stuff she called. Lets see my mind has woken up considerably, which would make more sense if I hadn’t deleted a big bit of writing about how my brain feels because I decided not to be melancholy again. I’m going outside. See ya. … I guess I will stay a little bit more and confess that it is a little bit hard for me to write something that isn’t melancholy. Habit I guess.

***

His dark black hair was short and to the point. There he was kneeling in that hall with an enormous ceiling and clear light all around. His last day, but he was prepared for in case it was not. Big birds flew up in the rafters, human birds looking like angels. They were the only birds the only sounds that filled the air anymore, but now they were silent waiting for the end of a man.

***

I’m trying to switch the yellow plug in my head from input to output. It just takes so much effort to create. Oh... I’m back from mass. Something inside of me wants a restful sleep. You know, the type that would come in the middle of a field… if there were a bed and few bugs. The warm air replacing the need for a blanket, but there are cotton sheets to snuggle in. The sun might be up, but you have sun tan lotion on and it doesn’t matter you can just sleep until you are full.

Just playing around on Illustrator

Hello Sir or Madame,
This is loosely based on my cat Cecilia. The markings are nothing the same through. If I gave it some extra time I think it could go somewhere, but I like to work from photo's in Illustrator. Something you can tell I am not doing here.

Put the photo in the back layer. Pen tool in a layer above it, and then hide the back layer to see if it looks right. Blah blah blah...

All I know is that I had to do it for the first digital course I took and I loved it. Not that I don't like this... its just they end up with completely different results.

I am not going to go into all the... man my hand is sore from resting on my computer and the Yoga earlier today. Anyway here is the energy and fun spirit of my kitty! I guess I could take the concept of my kitty's energy to a whole new level.

I tried to make this something that I would pick to put on my website... I look for unique... not quite there this time. I will have to try again.

Wonderful wonderings

I need to warm back up on writing posts. When classes ended I took a break from my computer. Now I do not have the money to take it to the coffee shop so I still do not carry it around. What did I do? I looked for jobs, and played video games on a system my brother had given me.

I bet a Final Fantasy I had played while I was in elementary. It was awesome looking back. I thought, “This meant so me back then. I connected with these characters on a level that I cannot anymore. I had a crush (like) thing on two of these characters!” What happened to me? My brother never lost this ability, why did I?

What is wrong with me? For a while I drafted back into the world of my childhood. I shifted into the story I had been writing in my head since (or before) I show J.K. Rowling on the Rosie O’Donald show for her first book. It was in my head before, but not with the intention to write it down.

Walking around I would daydream about it, letting my focus lose itself whenever it was possible. I wanted to run when I was thinking of action scenes (I used to run through my home… I started as practice for track… which I joined up until we started having matches because I didn’t like the idea of competing with others, I just like running with others.)

Yet this desire to daydream exited as quickly as it had come back.

I hope I can make it through tonight with only eight hours of sleep. I made it last night. (As I wrote about.) A good sign, but it has happened before that I will have one day with normal hours of sleep and then fail back into the ocean of dreams the next day. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sleep eight hours and then be unable to sleep more? To be an early bird or a late bird, but whichever one I would choose it would be on a healthy amount of sleep.

Oh, and I am rational so it isn’t any sort of Mania. If anything I am still a little on the too calm side of things. If I could just get this sleeping thing in order then I would be set. I am not depressed (it seems that it was seasonal last time). I am not gaining weight. Not wasting money… that much. Not feeling ill… etc. There is however one side effect that most people would call quits on right away. It took a year to build up, sigh. My pDoc knows don’t worry. I guess I have a life of no alcohol (interaction with medication) and sex (side effect) ahead of me. There will however be drugs…legally proscribed ones.

This is some good stuff. Tazo’s Matcha mixed with Happy Milk. Now I remember!!! Last night while I was trying to sleep I started to think about real Matcha and I told myself that I would make myself some when I got up the next day. Maybe that is what woke me up. My subconscience likes Matcha!

The thing with Tazo’s Matcha is that as you have more of it your taste buds adapt to the taste so you need more and more of the Matcha mix so it is best to not overdo it like I did when I first decided it was a good way to replace the price of coffee shops. When you haven’t had it in a long time, and you have some really good milk… I am so blessed.

My sister gave me a Coach purse. I can have good peanut butter and jelly. I even had an interesting dream yesterday. (When you sleep as much as I do it is a good thing if you remember your dreams or else there would be a great void in your life.)

Dream:
I was at a museum in Italy, and there was a school attached to the museum. Walking around in the artists’ studios a student see us and get upset, “You are not supposed to be here.” Quick on my feet I tell a white lie, “I am here because I was thinking of joining your masters program.” As I say this I lose focus of the studios and think, “No, I thought I was tired of art school and couldn’t face anymore. If I were to go back I would like to master a medium first, I should take classes at the art center until I am ready.” The rest of the dream was about a comparing this school in Italy to my art school. Is the artwork better? It is Italy after all.

Discovering Local (Fresh) Milk, and the Secrets of Milk

I have gone from Dancing Furby’s and Mac and Cheese to today. I finished up this semester’s college courses, reading like crazy and even breaking a few of my Doctor’s rules. All my requirements at the Art School are done; all I need are a few electives. It wasn’t long before I started looking for a job, and not just a summer one.

Today? Today I woke up after eight hours of sleep. At first my body was still asleep so I lay there. My mind stayed awake and when it started to think awake thoughts (that I could go to the park or exercise) my body had the energy to get up. I didn’t end up working out, or doing Yoga. Okay, I’ll do some yoga.

After doing Yoga, stopping to get Happy Milk… and medication… I call Milk from Calder Dairy ‘Happy Milk.’ My Mom insists that the milk in grocery stores also contains milk from local farms, some of which treat that cows really well. Yet for some reason Calder Dairy milk tastes better. It is either not as fresh in the grocery store or the mean cow farmers (milk from lots of farms is all mixed together) is messing it up.

Either way I found my relatively cheap (compared to Grape Juice) source of liquid (other then water) to replace all the fruit juices I used to drink. I get the best Skim milk I’ve ever tasted, and the nutrients that go with it, If you can find Skim milk so good that you want to have more then one cup of it a day then Yay. Honestly… I have not tired their 2%, but I have had the whole milk and natural milk.

When I got the natural milk it was because the store was all out of Skim and 2%. The dude in store assured me that if I take out the stuff on the top the rest is like Skim milk. So I think the difference between milk and natural milk is that one has been mixed in such a way that it is the same fat level throughout the milk (homogenized – homeostasis) while milk naturally is Skim with a layer of intense cream on the top… really intense. I had no container to store it in and I didn’t want it to go to waste so I drank it. I figured being hit with fat randomly wasn’t going to kill me just as long as I don’t make a habit of it.

So now I know how cream is made… how is anyone going to ever read my Blog if I spend so long just talking about milk?