Yay a poem for the day!

Steamed milk

My doctor says I shouldn’t have caffeine after noon
my doctor says a lot of things
I absolutely need to get eight hours of sleep every night.

Sleep.

I am already as tired as an old woman,
like my Mom
When some weird
arthritis grows
in my hip and I need painkillers
When this happens what will I do?

Sleep.

Yes, that is what has started to happen, stress
comes upon me,
It makes me sleepy. I cannot
face it anymore.
I have nothing

to prove anymore.
I’ve faced my challenge, my climax
I got though last year,

First I was panicked
Now that I’ve… changed could I do
What I used to do?
I did.
In my own strange
manner.
I continued in college
and did not drop my G.P.A.

I only get up so my roommates don’t have to hear
the alarm, I sit in my chair in a daze until I absolutely
will be late if I do not get moving.

I guess I still care,
I do the class work, writing, clay, audio and video
but my days are filled with tiredness
over the weekend when I have no need
to get up I can easily sleep 16 hours, 16
Not recovery hours either.

depression interferes with sleep
Jetlag all the time a sign
As the U of M depression center declares proudly
as if unlocking some kind of secret, no
secret to me.

I’m medicated of course, will you?
look at me differently if I tell you? I am, no,
I have Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder with psychosis

My life is a chemistry set between different medications
Risperdal made me into a milk cow
Geodon made me fall asleep in classes,
Abilify wasn’t strong enough
Zyprexa Zydis is my current soul mate, but.
he raises my cholesterol and blood sugar

I’ve heard Angels and Devils and felt fears
I was trapped in the mental hospital
Heaven or Hell, Help or Rape
what were the staff going to do?

What will you do? Fire me? Because sometimes
I think that I need to stop taking my medication? Because sometimes
I feel so overhauled that I curl up in a chair, a ball in a chair, a sleeping ball? Lets not
forget the effects that the medications have on me:
Weight gain
Decreased Blood
to the hands and feet making
me walk slowly,
Entropy over time in the brain,
Possible involuntary movement
that may get better or worse
when the medication is taken away

Oh
and lets not talk about the complaints.
did I really want to write my poem on how I can sleep?
for two, TWO DAYS, no food, no bathroom, just my Mom
Popping in to ask if I was okay? O.K.

I’m Bipolar and I’m tired of it. O.K.

the funny thing is
that when I am sleeping
under the blanket
in my old room
walls that were painted sky blue
when I was in elementary
under the glow in the dark stars
I put up personally in no real constellation

the funny thing is
that I feel so comfortable,
peaceful
all my dreams are
wonderful, different.
people with bipolar disorder have different
sleep patterns,
they enter into R.E.M. faster
and brain medications effect dreams

Anyone want to do a trade,
I have a slip of paper
that proves to Profs that I am suffering
from a mental illness.
you take the Bipolar,
you get the paper that makes it so you
must sleep
eight hours every night.

Don’t worry about the sleepiness
in theory (so says my pDoc)
a slight increase in the antidepressant,
and another pill that gives energy
will cure the problem.
Hopefully without pushing you up into a mania.

You don’t want to face my manias
unless you enjoy scary movies.

Word key: U of M, Profs = Professors, and
pDoc = psychiatrist, some others call them witch doctors

The Emperor – A head of me
(I’m trying to decided if this is offensive or not)

Surround by art and music
I know that I will be leaving this place.
I enter a new world tomorrow.

The world still
in the hands of men,
its called htrae.

My celebration will be short-lived,
what is four years in a life,
unless they can enrich the rest of the life?
Things will be in my hands soon.

Things will be out of my hands,
forced to my knees as I say,
“I bow to no one but God.”
Yet for survival,
I pretend to bend
to men.

Why?
Because I see,
that it is impossible
to bow to anything other then God.

So man thinks he is
the greatest of Gods creations
better then us, and we wonder why
God asks us to bend?

because God made us also,
and yet man rules,
and we wonder why,
Yet for survival
I pretended to bend.

If you understand what I am referring to I in no way saying your culture is htrae (earth spelled backwards). I’m not referring to your culture at all. I just heard your cultures writings about the devil, and suddenly it hit me.

Dasnai
(crazy poem
not to be taken
seriously)

Everyday it happens
it the morning
comfortable in bed
temptation comes
to sleep forever.

Yet the water runs through me,
beating in waves,
water never rests.
every part of me is wet, and
when the sunlight comes the water says,
evaporate with me, move beyond this spot
into the world, jumping and dancing
from molecule to molecule.

But my mass of carbon shuns the water.
Slow down, be a tree
I will make you reach the heavens
not fall to the ground like the clouds.
Moving is pointless,
dreaming is everything.

Yet when the sun is up the water rules,
spiral up, sky high, light feet,
or at least I wish it was this way.

In the beginning,
when the Earth
was a formless wasteland
darkness covered the abyss,
the angels lived breathing out oxygen
like trees, but the air filled up with oxygen
so God made all the creatures too fill the air with carbon,
while some angels stopped needing to breath, the good angels
the other angels still need oxygen.
so God made Adam and Eve to fill all the air with carbon,
so only his good angels would remain
and so God could create a paradise on Earth,
a balance between carbon and oxygen.

Yet the Devil was clever,
and taught humans envy, and hatred
so they would kill each other,
then one day,
he discovered a way
to get energy without carbon,
and hurt humans at the same time.
The atom bomb,

God only knows what will happen next.

Hello, Hello, Hello, hello, hello, hello

Hello,
I’m in class. Will sort of. It is free work time where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, but this is almost the time they had originally scheduled for mandatory work time, and then they set us free. I played the Sims 2 Life Stories, and now I want to play, play, play. It was so much fun, but I don’t think they have enough stories in the life stories. How hard could they be to make? They already had the whole programming set up. All they needed to do was create. This is what happens when you take the Maxis away from an originally Maxis game, and put in foolish EA game makers.

There I did it. I talked about something other then sleep for a whole paragraph. Let me see if I can continue it for just a bit longer.

So I played the Sims, and I as I played I realized how much of a stress reliever it is to play. I’ve spent a lot of these years in college not picking up a game to play. Well, a video game. I’ve played board games with others. When I first developed Bipolar disordered I found that it took too much effort (I was depressed). It does come back to me at times though, the desire to play. I used to play on my brother’s Final Fantasy Online account, and if you want to talk about effort, it can blow you away. Somehow I miss it, getting in groups with other people (something that can be hard to do). One time I was in an amazing group. I gained a lot of experience that day.

I was a catlike creature called Namir. A Red Mage as my main job and a White Mage as my sub job. I have heard from my brother that they have Blue Mages now. I also played another online game. A popular one I don’t remember the name of. I was an Animal trainer. I would train a certain kind of animal you can ride on, and then give it for free to other people. I’ve walked around the beginner’s area of World of Warcraft (WOW… really do a google search for wow and it is at the top of the list).

Hello,
I’m about to go to class! I’m in the classroom. I think someone accused me of cutting in the bus line today, but I was the first one to move up to catch the bus, everyone was cutting me! I set here wonder if I have anything to say this afternoon. I know that I didn’t want to get up today and I woke up with a bloody nose. Yes, lucky only drops got on my bed.

Hello,
I’m out of class. Today I promised myself that if I forced myself to get up I would get something at a coffee shop. Walking in the cold I decided that I would hop in the first coffee shop I crossed by. So I’m at Starbucks with a Tall Mocha. It tastes so good. I have given up caring about high blood sugar. Its not like I’m diabetic. During class I had another blood nose, but I just held my head over the handout and watched the drips. It was quite a distraction. I accidentally told my sister there was no mid-term, but then I looked closer at the syllabus and we do have on. So we were talking about the mid-term next week during the beginning of class. I had on of those moments were nothing registered in my brain. I was listening, but I could not make out the words. I knew there were words, and they reached my ears clearly. It took a while before my mind worked up its old motor and I could understand what the Professor was saying, and when it did suddenly everything was clear and simple. Add this problem with getting the motor started in my brain to the fact that I have started to forget sentences spoken in class at a greater rate. I will even be writing the sentence, and I will be distracted by another thing the Professor said, and I will forget what I was writing.

I am quite worried about this mid-term…not really. It’s just the questions he put down, as example questions were extremely hard. What am I doing I need to be reading!

Reading done I am in my apartment before a class. What I thinking my computer needs a battery charge for my performance tonight! See ya!

Hello,
I’m in class again. Very much yawnful. I know yawnful is not a word, but it should be, and I am making it a word. I need energy. Yesterday I upset some kind of force during class by doing a humor skit with Tarot cards. The thing is I don’t know what force it was. Was it God upset with me for passing around Tarot cards? I know that my Mother is reading this so I have to explain that I believe that when a certain number of people believe in something that it takes on the energy of their belief. Was it the energy of the cards themselves that was mad at me? Or finally was it a ghost taking on the classrooms shared energy, and the energy line I pretended see. Oh yes, it could also be that someone in the class was powerfully psychic.

I’m not going into the Catholic Church’s view of fortune telling. No, not going into it.

I look a bit like a dinosaur when I stretch my back with arms locked to my sides and bending at the elbow. I have a low calorie Snapple drink made from the best stuff on Earth you know. That would be water. I have my empty Mountain Dew, which I drank over the course of over a week, and my Pepsi that has gone quite flat.

I’ve been setting here staring at the screen for a few min. now. Have can I top flat Pepsi? Even flat it is wondrous. Just look at it, and Same Dew New View, poetry, hidden on a bottle. Kiwi Pear. Oh, nature is awesome. It’s the best stuff on earth you know. Snapple in a bottle. Can’t get much better then that. Who cares about higher education? All I need in life is the best stuff on earth. Which you can buy for $1:50.

Hello,
I’m at Panara. Taking up a whole booth because I didn’t see another spot. I cannot be here forever because my computer will run out of batteries. I woke up after only 11 hours of sleep, and on a day I didn’t have classes! Are things getting better?

Hello, (This I wrote a while ago. Somehow the simple act of playing the Sims has raised my mood. I have also started to have a lot of sugar.)
This feeling inside my head makes me want to close my eyes even if I did get the right amount of sleep last night (and then some), but yesterday was quite a day. I would talk about it, but I am overheating give me a moment. (Takes off sweater) There, I am much less hot now. This shirt shows off my all to round belly. Something I thought was getting smaller, but I am not losing any weight so I guess it is my view of myself that is changing. Yet this feeling inside my head makes it seem like I could sleep, forever. I am Sleeping Beauty come Prince to wake me up. Peace. I’m going to be attacked by killer tomatoes today. Icky. This feeling. Life gives little release, and I haven’t had it in a long time. Yesterday was good. I went to bed a little early, but hopefully sleeping in will give me the energy to make it through the day. I find a certain class boring now, never a good sign. Life gives little release, and it makes someone feel as if they could sleep, and sleep all day. And I know you’ve been there too. Imagining the world outside… guess the song! And I can see that I’m not blind. I can’t be hard one you, because you know I’ve been there too. Life gives little release.

As the lecture series inches closer and closer so does my class, my humor class. God help me, it is the only one that I enjoy.

Another post for the day!

Welcoming an Angel
to one’s website

Welcome,
This world you see,
flat as it many appear
up here on your screen
is the world of me.

Here I am,
fingers dancing on sliver keys,
type, type, type, type
can you hear it?
each letter a raindrop,
and only in your head
do these drops gain,
gain words.

If I only had a brain,
perhaps
I could speak
on the same level as you
perhaps we could stay
up all night
talking about the stars,

yet you write the beautiful music,
that my ears
can only hear a small part of,
just like someone
who is color blind,
seeing red.
I know you like to tell me what it is like,
but how do you describe red, without seeing it?

so I walk around
in a dimmer world,
perhaps I can see red, but
what about Nample,
Eaw,
and Uin?

I can listen to Mozart, but
he was only able
to write down a small part
of what he heard.

If only I had a heart.
I could understand the pain
in between your eyes,
a pain from a war
long ago.
I was not built for war, but
I suppose you weren’t either.

I do not understand your war,
how it came into being,
and how it ended.
Legend.
Myth.

If only I had courage.
I would fight by your side,
not in this world, but the next.
Now I am afraid
I am a bit of a burden.

So however you see me,
you will know me
by the pledge in my heart.

Oh. My. Well. What?

Mountain Dew

Green liquid of energy,
You I sip,
and I love
the things you do.

It makes me forget
about sleep,
if only for a while,
a happy while

and while I cannot
have you past noon
You smile up at me,
Green liquid of energy.

Today is Ash Wednesday.
Here is sit in my gray sweater
while ice covers the ground (outside),
My fingers type on a silver lap
top, and I live in my particular mess.
A scarf, a sweatshirt, a Pepsi, a Glucerna.
Tasting the Pepsi I know it is finally flat.
I guess it has to go,
but the Dew
that must stay,
little sips, slowing the tiredness,
energy drops now from the sugary high

I edit and re-edit
pulling more and more out of my brain,
unlike the sliver fluid in Harry Potter,
which will not transfer over the internet,
you cannot see what I have seen
a door, a painting, a Leo.

And I barely remember,
those moments of my past.
A chill runs up my arms,
is it getting colder?
a half
hour more,
how many to go?

my sleep is double,
I missed my brothers birthday
due to sleep
okay, I was there for a part of it, but
I left after lunch,
because I was so tired,
and then I slept for 16 hours.
Because ‘‘ ‘‘ ‘‘ ‘‘
a little caffeine,
a little dew
would have been helpful
if only I had thought

Please God, Please
do not abandon me
why God,
why?
do I sleep away my life,
I spend my hours
like there was a tomorrow.
and when tomorrow comes,
I will be fully rested,
and alone
because I spent my friends on sleep
I spent my health on sleep
my smiles, laughs turn to tears
tears about sleep

Green liquid of energy,
You I sip,
and I love
the things you do.

you fight for me,
a valiant knight
and I forget, as the sugar rushes
to my brain
until the sugar gets too high,
because I have high blood sugar.

Glucerna
snank shake
shake well
Creamy
Chocolate Delight.
you taste so good
somehow, I like you,
along with oatmeal without sugar,
but not sugar free syrups
to go in my espresso
royale

about ten more minutes,
if only my job was to write,
whatever I wanted,
and no requirement for it to be heavy stuff.
I type slow. Really slow. Let me take a test.
Oh my! I cannot tell you the horrible results!

I had typing class in middle school, but no matter how long I tried I kept on typing the same speed. I think it is because I stop to read, and enjoy what is being written. I’ve heard many a story through typing. One about the last tree in the world being cut down, but that there is one acorn.

Lunch time!!!

Yesterday was fat

A fantasy


that occupied my mind
one I knew wasn’t real

from around me,
everything inspired
twisted so many parts
thought and re-thought.

I wanted to write it,
even if I believed
I could not write.
I had a name
for my book
but I cannot tell it
because it is my password
to so many things
a content reminder
of a world.

I wondered if it is true,
sometimes,
just because I dreamed it
that somehow these worlds
that people must create in their minds
were somewhere real.

It would be a very sad world,
if it existed,
and I would feel bad
for all the suffering
I put one
these people.

Still it was a vivid world,
one worth living in,
if only if I could go
on vacation
and visit.