Here we are that the transmission party! l <3 you friends they are all so arte.

Oh, woe is me.
There is a writing competition that I was planning on entering, only I didn’t read close enough and it is open only to those who are currently taking some sort of language course. I guess I have more time then I planned on fixing up my writing. I am looking for another contest in the meantime.

I’m listening to the Nightmare Before Christmas Special Edition, which has some extra songs by artists like Fiona Apple, Fall Out Boy (don’t know who this is, but the song is great) and Marilyn Manson.

Before a class, I continue to sleep twice the amount that I did before I was on any medication. Before I was on certain medications. I enjoy getting up early in the morning though, and will have to stay up until after 10 today, because I have a 7 pm class.

What is the problem? So hard to put my boney finger on. Some would say depression, if not medication, but I do not feel down (most of the time) and how is it that the problem just keeps on getting worse? Is it because of my medication changes? The last one was supposed to…I give up. I give up. I will just sleep forever. Who cares about talking, laughing, listening to music, watching youTube, and learning when you have deep comfortable sleep.

WHY? Why is it that my whole life is getting slept away, and in the end I will look back and ask, “How did I live? I crawled up in my loft bed, and slept over half of it away. The rest of the time I worked. Fun, ha. Love, ha. I had no time for these things, but the sleep and the dreams were high quality, and after a while my shoulders stopped hurting from sleeping so much, and while I was awake my mind would frequently stumble upon something that triggered a memory from a dream.

I need new music. Here is a mixture of some old and new. Guess what they are.
1) He believes in God, and he believes that God believes in Clod, that’s him.
2) They bier and fume at the stone of my tomb.
3) I saw my baby crying hard as babe could cry.
4) Everything I’ve done I’ve done for you. I move the stars for no one.
5) Go totally crazy, forget I’m a lady, Men shirts, short skirts.
6) Sunday morning I forgot my prayer, should have been happy to still be there, something could have come and taken me away, but I felt I should be here another day.
7) Beware of the Blob it creeps and leaps and glides across the floor right through the door and all around the wall.
8) When the earth was still flat and clouds made of fire, and mountains stretched up to the sky sometimes higher.
9) What should I do, I’m just a little baby what if the lights go out and maybe what if the wind…
10) This time of year… it’s so fashionable…I feel like dancing in the rain, can I have a volunteer
11) When I get away from the door man do you know how lucky you’ll be that your on the line with the feline.
12) I’d follow you around the world. It might take a while to find the angle of your smile, but that’s OK because your my…
13) As I walk this land of broken dreams I have visions of many things. Happiness is just an illusion filled with sadness and confusion.
14) When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will rule the planet and love will spear the stars.
15) Will here we are at the transmission party. I love your friends their all so arte.
Good luck with the guessing game, and don't just Google it all.

How monday!

Morning.

I’m awake now. It is strange to feel awake. Possibly because it has been so long since I took my last dose of medication (noon yesterday). Ooooww. Early morning chocolate. I was at Whole Foods yesterday where I picked up a lovely bag to carry groceries in. I was picking up a gift certificate I don’t really shop at Whole Foods except I go in for the free samples and walk out with some sort of tea, or dessert item that looked yummy. Dance Furby Dance. My hands have very, very little scuffmarks and I don’t know where they came from. Maybe I’m rolling around a lot and my sleep and rubbing my hand up against something. Where these marks are makes it look like I punched someone. Take that evil tomatoes.

Out of desserts there is one particularly expensive one (other then Green tea Frappocinos) that I love. The Godiva Double Chocolate Cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. I get it at the Barnes and Noble café (ie little Starbucks, it isn’t in the big ones), and I try not to eat it all at once. Right now I am chocolated out. I got my brother two kinds of candy to put in a little bag for his birthday, and I have the extras. I guess I’ll have one more. They are small after all. Once you get used to the taste of Dove chocolate they are divine. Thank you God for chocolate, but I really would like to trade it in for needing, and getting only eight hours of sleep each night. Religious stuff in parentheses skip over if you don’t care for it:

(I’m stupid to credit all my recovery to the wonders of medication, as science makes it seem. One God, and it is not a chemical. Yet, God understands the need for medication because he did not take issue with it in biblical times. If he had a problem, the God of mercy and might would let us know.)

Ah… the clock ticks closer to class time. What can I say before I dive back into the depressing topic of sleep? I am trying to lighten things up a little bit so I don’t sound so Emo. Only I would prefer to be Goth because while Goth was sleeping when I was in High School, it was before Emo hit America. Out of all the prizes I could have won online (other then big sums of money) I wanted to get one of these $500 Hot Topic Gift Cards so I could be Goth for my senior project. Don’t ask me why. It is a complex network of thinking that makes no sense other then that it would be interesting.

I’m sure you know that I am the farthest thing from Goth. Played video games like the Sims. Prays to God. Loves a lot. Very kind. Yet, there are so many ways in which I am Goth, mainly what my life has handed me.

I don’t know if I will post this early in the day, but I am enjoying waiting for the sun to come up on my computer. Everything is so quiet. I’ve had time to have breakfast, and everything. I was up early to do an assignment I didn’t do yesterday because medication had worn me out by 3 pm, but don’t worry I got up at 3 am that day. So I managed to make it through the day 12 hours. Oh, God help me. Things keep on getting worse. My head feels in such a way that I wasn’t able to focus on reading yesterday. I feel my grades slowly dieing, like the leaves on my Bonsai. I’ve set up two lights now, to help the ficuses through the dimmer light in the winter. I want these Bonsai to life long, and have thick trucks one day.

As I feel my grades slipping away from me along with my time to live and be happy, even if I am very comfortable sleeping, and enjoy the dreams, I want to give up. I’ve made it through so much, but in the end will it be sleep that conquers me, and what if I do fail? I will lose a lot of money, but I will come back, because I am so close I cannot give up. I had to go to school this semester to stay on my parents insurance even if I felt I was not ready. When I slept 30 hours on Christmas it was pretty clear something was wrong. Something has been wrong with me for so long now that the 12 hours I slept last night seems like an achievement.

In a coffee shop

Panani

Free fresh warm
smile brown hair
brew?
no. milk
with
banana

coat black warm
Mona Lisa no smile
art?
no. words
with
paper

smile
forget about the cage
trapped?
yes. always
and
forever

and you watch the world
with shaded eyes
knowing that everyday
will be followed by the next
you can never forget
that once you did not see the cage
and once you were almost free
one chance, one choice
and you can beg and beg
and wonder why
throw your body against the bars
it is too late
because you are afraid
because you have been too well trained
scream
nails
digging into
the coffin
that is life.

P.S. Don't take this one too seriously.

Lemonade

You and water,
Stirring the water
yellow slices at the bottom
first squeezed,
into the cup
lemon.

I cannot stand too much,
like the man in Italy selling
them like they were apples
to eat on the trail.

To bite
into a lemon
whole
no water,
is like facing the truth.

Natural lemon.
why mix you with sugar?

The Prince Bride,
a book, says
life
is
pain

The Labyrinth,
a movie, says
that’s
not
fair
Life is not fair. –David Bowie
the Goblin king

I guess they learned that Lemonade
was made from Lemons.

Peanut Butter

1) I love green tea. (I bought some Matcha a while back. The real stuff not the Tazo liquid mix that gets used at Seattle’s Best, and Starbucks).

2) I like to be up in the morning and if I had control over my sleeping habits I would get up at 6 a.m. everyday. So I could have some tea, and relax before the day gets started. I discovered this due to sleep problems. When you can sleep from 11 pm to 7 pm, you can see how beautiful, and quiet the morning is. Oh, and btw (by the way) in this case it was actual sleep (not just laying there unable to get up), plus my sister had to wake me up. This was on, oh Friday.

3) I love my ficus bonsai, and have no idea what is wrong with it. Light, water, Miracle Grow. Only a very little Miracle Grow.

4) I love Grape Juice and chocolate.

5) I miss being able to play games like the Sims 2.

6) I like Panda Express (Orange chicken only). I used to work at one, but there was this horrible extra manager (who was helping with the start up of the whole store). He was so mean that he got in trouble. Us counter employees (about two at the time) soon started talking about how much he made us want to leave. One woman who had been in law school before she got a divorce made me make up my mind. After working overtime and everything I decided to find a better job. The evil manager left, and the nice one stayed, but it was too late. Looks good on my application I am sure.

7) I spend too much money on coffee and such. Confound it all, I love it though.

8) Current favorite band? Queen!!! I feel practically sacrilegious when I go from reading about the Prophet to listening to Queen. Not that I have any issues the lead singer, but other people would find this combination… it is kind of like when I posted on an old blog…

“What did I do this weekend? Did I party up until 5? Did I go skinny-dipping? Did I rob a bank? No, what I did was much better. I quilted while listening to Queen. Yes, I knew how to push the limits; I can fell conservative quilters all over the world gasping. My quilt is slowly coming along, but I need more binding. I think a deep red will complement it well. I want, I want, I want to break free. Really I am so sick of college right now. I want to go and just sleep in the grass, and listen to the birds. You know cats know how to live. Hey Boy where’d you get it from. Defying the laws of gravity. I’m burning though the sky. I’m gonna make a supersonic man out of you. Hmmm… what would my grandma think of quilting and Queen. Do you think she would appreciate a good beat? Creative subliminal lyrics… My quilt is not even close to my grandma’s quilts, or my mothers. I have better fabrics, that I dyed myself, but I have no skill at the actual sawing part of it. Give me. Body language. I really should be working on my photo project right now. I have about 300 photos, which I have edited down to 92. I think that they are a good 92 photos, but I need to find out a good way to present them. I don’t want to make them into a book. I kind of to project them onto a backdrop of newspaper to see what it would look like. I’ve got a case of body language. I would have to figure out a way that it fits into the thrift theme, but I think that I would look great. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. I’ll survive. Open up your mind, and let me step inside. All you have to do is fall in love. Play the game. Come on everyone sing with me. Play the game.”

I remember when I was really young I told a friend that Freddie Mercury… “Queen was gay and he died of it.” I really didn’t mean it the way I said it, but she told me, “That’s horrible, people don’t die of being gay. He died of AIDS. There was another point much later that upset her. A teacher said, “If you think about it, don’t people who die of AIDS deserve it?” Oh shet.

My friend didn’t say anything, but she started a tally of all the grammar mistakes he made in class. I wonder what all my classmates thought of it. I was shy and didn’t ask around. I don’t even remember what I thought about it.

When I told her that the Catholic Church was upset with Ginger Spice for promoting the use of condoms in Africa she was equally upset.

What equation am I trying to draw here? I am not going to go into the Catholic Church’s explanation of why using condoms, or for that matter why acting on having homosexuality is wrong. Lets just say, they say, that sex is supposed to be about having children. If children cannot be a possible result (if God should will it) then having sex is wrong. I think that if God really wanted there to be a child, he could get through a piece of plastic.

Yet, why? Why does sex have to be about children? Don’t give be the Bible talk. Did people use condoms in biblical times? So why point to the Bible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH BEING GAY! If you point to the Bible one might think, that there is something wrong with being a woman. Do you say woman cannot have sex because of Eve? Then why does Sodom and Gomorrah say that homosexuality is wrong? If you read it you will find that the men of Sodom and Gomorrah were rapists, maybe that is what incurs Gods wraith.

Another thing. Eve and Adam sinned equally. Eve did not force Adam to eat the apple. Four hands, one sin. Oh. I’ve had enough with caring about Biblical issues. You have learned to bind God with his words. The day will come when someone will cast light on the scriptures, and it will not be the end of the world. No, I don’t mean me. I’ve had enough.

9) I think I’ve said enough to stop the post now.

What what a beautiful Sunday morning

I must write. I feel calm, too calm. I am awake, but my brain still feels like it is sleeping. After sleeping much, as I have been in the habit of doing for a long time, I could not summon the motivation to get out of bed for over three hours. I was at peace and comfortable and the worries of the world seemed far away. I was aware that I should be working on course work, but even as I write part of me feels like it is still sleeping. This part wants to get in bed and fall back to sleep.

I feel as hopeless as ever, but I have given up on caring. The shame of my roommate knowing how much I can sleep is gone. Even courses are slowly drafting to the back of my head. Intro to the Prophet started out interesting when I was reading about the Sacred History, but now it is about how historians uncover things. I am reading the history of historians looking at the Prophet. God help me, I wanted to learn about another culture. I ask God to help me on a lot of things.

Now I am wishing that I had changed over to Essay Writing, even if the course name sounds boring. I’m tired in so many ways. I feel worn out, or as Bilbo says in the movie, The Lord of the Rings, “I feel like butter stretched over too much bread.” I remember that through the movie, even if I did read the books long ago. Sleeping so much makes it so I have to spend a greater partition of my time on college. My sister told me that my sleeping all the time makes the whole atmosphere of the apartment depressing. My other roommate is asking her what is wrong with me. I wish I knew.

What I do know is the increase in a certain calming medication to counteract decreasing an antidepressant has gone haywire. Depressed? Look at my life, look at how I sleep until my joints are sore, all those hours I am losing, and it is only getting worse. I have no fight still in me. I screamed and sang while I was manic afraid I was in hell. Now I do not care if I am in hell. I just want to cry. What am I supposed to do? So I ask God help me, but I have asked this before. Last weekend I spent two days in bed only getting up to eat. I’m not supposed to be able to sleep that long. I used to sleep eight hours, that’s average.

I took a break from writing and reading (boring reading), and now I am back. I don’t want life to be like this (ie sleeping all the time). I feel trapped and I visualize throwing myself against the bars of my cage, but I still find myself unable take the step of getting out of bed. I drift back to sleep, and my sister opens the door and asks, “Have you gotten up today.” Lets see I slept about 19 hours! It is true that unlike other medications, I wasn’t asleep the whole time, but shet betch. Yeah I said it. (Liam on youTube is fucking rad.)

I ran cross Liam on youTube because his Muffin video, but that didn’t impress me, it was only after a Zombie response was posted that I discovered Kelly. OMG betch. Just look it up on youTube, “Kelly Shoes,” if you have no idea what I am talking about. If you have no idea, then what have you been doing. I have the excuse of a disability, and college taking me out of the world of the living. I so cannot do school work right now.

Here are some jokes, and only one, I think, that anyone will find offensive. I had a longer list, but my Mom started to cry when she read it and asked me, after a long sermon, to take it down. I was supposed to find people who were compatible with me… Anyway here are the remaining jokes.

I would like to state that I am clear of mind, and heart and soul and there is no toilet paper on my shoe. In this way, I imagine I am like Jesus. Let us pray as Jesus prays, hold hands with the people next to you and I will lead you in prayer. Jesus doesn’t do house shows without $700 wine. Didn’t know where all that church money was going did you Bre? I know you heard about the whole water to wine thing, but that was before the middle ages people couldn’t tell the difference between wine and Kool-aid.

I have to confess my greatest weakness to y’all. I am addicted. I am addicted to (hand over face whisper) water. I cannot help myself. It finds its way into foods, like fruit, and the juicy part of meat. It is in drinks like tea. I’ve tried to stop, but there are drinking fountains everywhere, and three faucets in my apartment, and even if I paid to get them taken out there would still be that bathtub and toilet. Fish. Fish are also addicted to water to them it is like air to us and air is their water. Fish have no toilet paper on their shoes, and no shoes on their non-feet. I have never seen a single fish wear clothes in the shower. (would understand the shower thing more if a joke wasn’t removed) I am like a fish, and a fish is like me.

When I was younger I used to be addicted to online gaming. I was a Neo-millionaire, and I remember these long winter nights when my parents were out of town staying up to get the items from the Neo-shops while everyone was sleeping. I invested in the Neo-stock market. Yet I was sad. I did not have Neo-friends. My Neopets are now starving. I put in a fake birthday so no one could track me, because everyone wanted to track Wolfdragon17 to (street address here), and kill kill kill. Now they require the birthday to get into the account. I have been defeated by my own genius. In this way I am like a bunny rabbit, shark, panda, ferret, turkey, beluga, tiger, leopard, panther, (insert joke about Apples when you are feeling creative.)

I am embarrassed to say this, and raise you hand if you suffer the same, but I have never been attacked by Killer Tomatoes.
(Do you breathe? Can you walk?) My case in point. As for the rest.
Oh if only you had listened to the warnings broadcast across the world.

I am trapped into going to college because I need to stay on my parent’s insurance to pay for my medication, but I do not feel I am in the best condition for going to college right now. I am trapped. I am trapped into basing my life around having insurance in order to pay for medication that I do not like taking. Only I have to take it because I am told I have to and because I would become paranoid and afraid…and who knows what. This is a great joke isn’t it? I don’t hear you laughing

Class

Seating in front of my Mac. Class. I’m in class. Listening to Queen. I think it is my favorite band. I’m upset that the main singer died. AIDS. So many people across the world. Children. Babies from before they were born. And I do nothing. I sit in my office chair. Typing away.

It is strange to have a job (class) where you get to do what you want to. Only you have to stay in class. I’m coming back together. I fell apart for a while. My eyes are tired. I want sleep, even though I had a good eight hours. What is wrong with me? God help me. So tired. So sleepy. So often.

Anyway. Here I am. That is a good thing, isn’t it? I have tried to write a sentence right here, in this very spot a number of times. It seems I got stuck, and cannot find a way out. I don’t want to be depressing all the time. I don’t want to be bitter.

If only I had the passion of the band Queen. I’ve listened to “Don’t Stop Me Now” on youTube about five times today. I just suddenly had a need to listen to Queen, and this might be my favorite song (right now). He is pretty good looking, when he doesn’t have a mustache (the main singer, Freddie Mercury). If only he were the same age as me, alive, and straight. Oh, and deeply in love with me. I feel bad for picking on the men of New York, now. So many people emailed me that I couldn’t email them all back explaining.

One of the best songs I’m ever used for a work out was “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I don’t know why.

One workout long ago I was proving that I was not a wimp to myself. I took all my angry feelings about vampires…you would have to read my long writing on am working on to understand, and focused it into the run. I burned so many calories that day. I have been a wimp working out since then. I know I can push myself to the bone so why not take it slow. The only thing is that I hardly get a workout at all. I need to start working out again. I’ve been waiting for the end of college. Its not like I don’t walk around with a heavy book bag on my back, but after college I will not get this workout anymore.