How monday!

Morning.

I’m awake now. It is strange to feel awake. Possibly because it has been so long since I took my last dose of medication (noon yesterday). Ooooww. Early morning chocolate. I was at Whole Foods yesterday where I picked up a lovely bag to carry groceries in. I was picking up a gift certificate I don’t really shop at Whole Foods except I go in for the free samples and walk out with some sort of tea, or dessert item that looked yummy. Dance Furby Dance. My hands have very, very little scuffmarks and I don’t know where they came from. Maybe I’m rolling around a lot and my sleep and rubbing my hand up against something. Where these marks are makes it look like I punched someone. Take that evil tomatoes.

Out of desserts there is one particularly expensive one (other then Green tea Frappocinos) that I love. The Godiva Double Chocolate Cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. I get it at the Barnes and Noble café (ie little Starbucks, it isn’t in the big ones), and I try not to eat it all at once. Right now I am chocolated out. I got my brother two kinds of candy to put in a little bag for his birthday, and I have the extras. I guess I’ll have one more. They are small after all. Once you get used to the taste of Dove chocolate they are divine. Thank you God for chocolate, but I really would like to trade it in for needing, and getting only eight hours of sleep each night. Religious stuff in parentheses skip over if you don’t care for it:

(I’m stupid to credit all my recovery to the wonders of medication, as science makes it seem. One God, and it is not a chemical. Yet, God understands the need for medication because he did not take issue with it in biblical times. If he had a problem, the God of mercy and might would let us know.)

Ah… the clock ticks closer to class time. What can I say before I dive back into the depressing topic of sleep? I am trying to lighten things up a little bit so I don’t sound so Emo. Only I would prefer to be Goth because while Goth was sleeping when I was in High School, it was before Emo hit America. Out of all the prizes I could have won online (other then big sums of money) I wanted to get one of these $500 Hot Topic Gift Cards so I could be Goth for my senior project. Don’t ask me why. It is a complex network of thinking that makes no sense other then that it would be interesting.

I’m sure you know that I am the farthest thing from Goth. Played video games like the Sims. Prays to God. Loves a lot. Very kind. Yet, there are so many ways in which I am Goth, mainly what my life has handed me.

I don’t know if I will post this early in the day, but I am enjoying waiting for the sun to come up on my computer. Everything is so quiet. I’ve had time to have breakfast, and everything. I was up early to do an assignment I didn’t do yesterday because medication had worn me out by 3 pm, but don’t worry I got up at 3 am that day. So I managed to make it through the day 12 hours. Oh, God help me. Things keep on getting worse. My head feels in such a way that I wasn’t able to focus on reading yesterday. I feel my grades slowly dieing, like the leaves on my Bonsai. I’ve set up two lights now, to help the ficuses through the dimmer light in the winter. I want these Bonsai to life long, and have thick trucks one day.

As I feel my grades slipping away from me along with my time to live and be happy, even if I am very comfortable sleeping, and enjoy the dreams, I want to give up. I’ve made it through so much, but in the end will it be sleep that conquers me, and what if I do fail? I will lose a lot of money, but I will come back, because I am so close I cannot give up. I had to go to school this semester to stay on my parents insurance even if I felt I was not ready. When I slept 30 hours on Christmas it was pretty clear something was wrong. Something has been wrong with me for so long now that the 12 hours I slept last night seems like an achievement.