I feel so comfortable in coffee shops. Immediately my tired back eased up, and my tired head lifted up. My mind knew that it was time to write. I should be working as I type, but I am breaking because I felt so tired. So very tired. I know you might not have heard me complaining about being tired lately. It is getting better, and I have been too caught up in other things to write.
Less then one week now until I am done with college. The music is warning me, “Don’t come back. Don’t come back. Don’t know what to do if you come back.” I just don’t know if I could continue with the frame of mind that college takes. I want to work.
I need to move soon. I am hesitant to find a place to stay, because I do not know if I want to stay. If I sign a lease then that is another year of commitment. I could go to where the jobs are, or where the light is. I can handle heat pretty well. I could teach English in Japan, South Korea, China, etc. . I know you see all the grammar and spelling errors I make, but somewhere in my head are all those little rules. I remember Elementary and Middle School. I would like to know a second language better before then though.
You see I was tricked. The language courses started a week or two earlier then other courses. I didn’t know if I wanted to finish up in the Summer or Fall, until I was in a slump and needed something to pull me out of it.
Now I am a slump when it comes to writing. What should I say next? I was walking with my bookbag in the park the other day. I settled down at a bench in the sunlight yet with much nature around it. I read until I remembered that I had a posting that I needed to do, and told myself I would come back tomorrow and read in the sunlight. Of course, I didn’t. I attempted to read in the lobby of my apartment building with its huge windows, but it was too late, and dark.
This is a big tragedy. Not only did my sleeping rob me of most of my day, but also I did not find the power to use the sunlight while it was up. That is why school days are so important to me. They are my schedule keeper. They make me get up with the sunlight so I can see how wonderful the sun is on the trees, and through the windows of this coffee shop. Light bouncing off the red hair and black hair, a white striped shirt, and making glares in people’s glasses. This is what I was made for, to look and listen, and to write.
The smooth sliver of my laptop, the soft clicking of the keys brings a memory to my mind. While learning to type in Middle School a paper was put over our hands so we could not stare at the keyboard. We where using the first row, and I was doing an amazingly accurate job for a beginner. (While I am not a quick typist, I have a connection with technology, and learning that must have come from video games.) When the person I was on a team practicing with told the teacher that I was doing really good the teacher said, “Wait until we use all the keys.”
I continued in typing class, but I stopped to read whatever I was typing instead of just copying down as quickly as possible. (I think it is better to read. Your mind forms connections with knowledge, and typing.) So I was always slower. I passed though so I couldn’t be the worse in the world.
I was reading something to my niece a while ago that was too advanced for her, and she kept on asking me the meanings of words. It made me want to read to her advanced stuff (that she would be interested in) just so she could learn the words, but I do not live by her, and it might get discouraging for her to have to keep asking the meaning.
It is easy to take for granted just how advanced one’s language has become until you read to someone in Elementary, and you remember how you used to not know so many words. And one wonders how you could have ever not known this or that word, and when you learned it. I most certainly didn’t flip through the dictionary memorizing words, through I thought about doing that back then.
A friend of my sister had told me once that his favorite book was the dictionary. We had an expansive dictionary with a rhyming dictionary in it. I used to use it to write poems. I would pick a word with a lot of rhymes, and write a poem around the word (I was young give me slick). I didn’t always rhyme, but I loved that part of the dictionary.
I stopped writing poetry when my friend told me that I was a horrible poet, but now that I think about it, of course I didn’t compare to the professionals she was always reading. What mattered was that I loved to write them.
I’m going to have to find the power to continue artwork, and write while working. It would have been better if I had planned my time better this semester. Sleep.
Ummm, lets see. Oh, I have so much I want to do. The weather is so nice I want to walk; I want to play video games, and read manga. I want to read other stuff too. Yet without a job this all will fall apart. My nose feels like sleepiness, and the part between the eyes, and between the eyebrows too. Ahhh.
The contentment I felt when I entered the coffee shop has faded. I need to shift as my back feels out of place. I used to be called Stegosaurus back because my back bones where so visible. It sometimes makes me wonder if there is anything wrong with my back that I would be called this. Nah, it is just years of abuse from my back bag being too heavy.
I ponder how I could gain weight carrying this computer around, but then I remember my medication. Plus depression. I hope I am losing weight because I continue to walk with my bookbag. I walk uphill until my legs hurt (which isn’t very far) and past that point. One would think I am exercising, and I’m on less of the medication that makes me gain weight.
We shall see.
Back sore with tiredness mixed in with the soreness. Back soreness extends up into the neck splits at the shoulders.
New setting. I moved to a new location. Sitting outside of my next class to be more exact. The floor is hard, but comfortable enough. Not the kind of place for me to easily fall asleep. Oh how much I would like to sleep right now. An uncontrolled quiet thought entered my mind as if another mind had awakened, “help me.” It is fairly often (through not recently) that my mind is interrupted mostly when I am walking with a “Shut up.” ‘Shut up’ being the tamest out of the interruptions. I have developed a response. “@!`#$%!” says the uncontrolled voice. “Well, isn’t that nice.” says me.
This isn’t a voice like psychosis, but just a mental burp, some people have it about things around them. I happen to have it say one or two word negative statements about me.
Oooooo. It is after class now. I was told that if I came to the coffee shop with my receipt I would get a $2 grande coffee drink not that I would get a grande coffee drink for $2. Oh, woe is me. The drink was already made before I could say I was just stupid, and should have read the receipt before wandering back to the coffee shop.
I really don’t want to stay here long, but I am afraid that if I go to home (however short of a time it will be my home) I will go to sleep. Only I cannot do homework here, because there is no Internet. Yes, I am at one of ‘those’ coffee shops. Where should I do my work? I want to look at the sunlight for a while, the sunlight and the people. I have a wonderful window seat facing the outside.
I wish I had one more week, but I guess it would be full of readings. I know I will be able to work, but I need to pull my schooling mind together. My mind always feels a way (dull/tired). In times of weakness I could let that feeling overrun my ability to work. I was succumbing to this and finding comfort and writing, but no. I will work on my project NOW!
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