La la la -- a Year of Happiness

The fan spins as two cats two cats stare at me. Yes I am at home, home. Where my cats stare at me to let them inside once they are bored of being outside for so long.

I could talk about my mind again, but what is the point? Instead I will talk about lucky dogs. I hear barking outside… I saw many sad dogs on T.V. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the happy dogs I know.

Have you ever meet someone who radiated goodness? I was in a study today, and the person giving me the exam was my age, book bag and all. Well a little bit older. I liked him right away, which is probably a good thing… why did I write ‘good thing’ when I thought ‘bad thing?’

No he was really nice and I think he liked a little me too, but maybe I am wrong and he just liked that I was in a study. Maybe he understood the illness and respected me for continuing in college, etc. Yet it makes no difference now. I will never see him again. I can picture it right now, me saying umm, can I have your number and him explaining about professionalism… sigh. He even carried around a book bag, like me.

It makes me want to try finding someone again, but without the insane drive Geodon gave me. Geodon made me NEED to have a boyfriend. Anyway I have to get back to reading.

Between evaluations we talked about things like degrees and jobs and liking science, but not math (much). I told him about what my science teacher told me, “You are too smart to be an artist. You should be a veterinarian.” I was surprised that he didn’t find this statement funny. Instead he said, “Well maybe you should be. You want to work with animals don’t you?” It took a while for him to catch on and say, “Well the arts are good too.” Yet something told me that he didn’t quite respect the arts like he would a veterinarian.

Despite almost failing my own evaluation, he was still a good person.

Another few days has passed. I feel good today. Yes, very good. I just realized it. Good thing I wasted my money on Starbucks from a vending machine today.

I finished Frankenstein for a class today. Near the end I actually started to cry. Poor monster, if only your creator had taught you morals. I think it was a revolutionary book for its day. It illustrates the ‘Nature vs Nurture’ theory. The creator takes one look at the monster thinks he is wrenched (and so does everyone else). Yet, was the monster really a monster or was it society that made him such (This is a question in class?)

I know my opinion on the subject, but would others see things my way back when the story was written in 1818?

It is easy to look at Frankenstein as Fiction, but does not our society have its monsters who only became wretches because society? The other week I hear someone on the radio who was outraged because the Supreme Court decided against the death penalty for a very, very evil horrible crime. Yet it is not the sort of crime that can be stopped if the criminal thinks he will die because of it. It is the sickest kind of crime, and no one does it thinking they will get caught. Well... some might even hope they do get caught and killed.

I only kill mosquitoes… maybe I should became a vegetarian again to make the… no I should only eat meat rarely, because it would only come from happy animals and therefore rightfully cost more. O.K. as of July 3, 2008 I will only eat meat that 1) I have already brought before that date or 2) Came from well cared for animals.

List leads to other stuff

Wonderful.
How did the world get so beautiful?
I love plants of all sorts.
I love animals (that will not kill me).
I do not love bugs (unless they don't leave me alone, because bugs have their perhaps too).
I am not particularly a fan of cars, but used to play with hot wheels.
I am very happy in coffee shops.
I don’t watch that many movies.
I watch anime and read manga.
I ride the bus.

Oh no! That lovely light that was over everything is gone.
Flowers look so delicate, but when the wind blows they do not break off. No instead they dance.
Back itches.

A day has passed. I slept in my childhood room last night. The internet is slow in this part of the house.

When someone has a scan done to their liver they cannot help, but think the worse. I know my liver is not happy, but how unhappy is it? Could it be the reason I am tired, and once this problem is fixed I will feel energetic? When I was on one of my sides I could feel the waves from the scan in my head. Kind of like that electrical surge cranking I used to get in the back of my head, but weaker. So very slight that it was hard to notice, but it was there.

Soooo… after the liver scan I went with my Mom to get some hospital food, and I had a cappuccino, and for some reason it is working this time (giving energy).

Another brain feeling comes when I am reading (books or anime). It feels like something is fighting through the dullness, and turning on my mind. It is a good feeling that makes me want to focus, and learn.

Oh so yawnful. My brother used the word yawnful the other day, and I wandered if I picked it up from him, or if he had read something I wrote. I thought yawnful was something I made up, but I also thought that I came up with icky (a long time ago) and then I learned a friend of my sister had said it all the time.

Oh those days. That was before my brain felt like anything at all. Not this tired, rusty, sensitive fussiness.

As you can see I am obviously trying up some cat pictures of my own, instead of just scanning the web for special ones.

After so long a poem... is it a poem? Yes because I say so

Flip flop, summer has come,
my sandals have yet to see the beach,
have they ever seen the beach,

the ground is wet,
I smelled
yesterday, like wet ground
wet fertilized ground.

(I walk into this and was quite upset.) 

I sat in the room,
with a window ceiling,
and waited for group,
perhaps my last

as a college student,
I might be swimming instead,
but
not at the beach,
not at the dunes I fearlessly climbed,
I climbed steep ground the other day,
scared my sandals would fail me. and
I would slip, rolling
down,
hitting bush and tree

my legs are weak
from too much sleeping
from too much seating

a yellow container of water,
ice melted,

the bathroom was hot the other day,
after scrubbing the tub I turned on a hot shower,
to wash the cleaner away,

the door was closed as I mopped,
pushing against the ground,
wondering if this mop did anything at all

I have never been a good mopper,
when I was a kid I used a rag and a bucket,
on my hands and knees,
mopping is a skill that is just beyond me,

I can vacuum, cook (Macaroni and Cheese), wash dishes,
when I clean I work endlessly. Focusing on every detail.
then my weak hands (from sleeping) start to complain,
like holding a pencil in elementary,

Rolling down the dunes,
a vast desert of ups and downs,
finding resting spots away from light,
running down to the water,

when I was baked in the sun,
after being lost in the dunes for hours,
I soaked in the bathtub,
anything to help the pain.
I’ve never been so red,
and will never be again.

I was better at moving and yard work when I was younger,
I did not have this air of delicacy,
pulling down vines and cutting down branches,
I climbed into the trashcan to push it all down,
one of those vines was poison ivy.

My Mom had never seen poison ivy that bad,
I lay awake at night just wishing that I were normal,
when I returned to school I proudly told my friend all the gross details,
which for the sake of my stomach I will not reminisce,

the horrible smell of vegetables are polluting my nose,
the party kind, stale and… well, polluted with chemicals,

Journeys not going so well

I went on the journey of getting to an interview. I looked up the bus routes (as my car was out of batteries), and looked at the streets on google map so I could get from where I thought the bus would stop to the interview. I miss my stop and I figured that I had given myself enough time so I continued my journey until I gave up. As for the number that was used to call me. It just rings and rings. Ahhhh.

It is fine, I guess. I need to start looking for jobs that will look good on a resume. Oh, and the swim class will not count as an academic, but I don’t need to take it because apparently I only need 3 credits. I could take the money I would have spent on swimming and do Yoga classes! (It turns out I do need 5 credits... there was a mix up where the adviser said I needed 3, but he meant 3 more then 2. I figured out this possibility and called him.)

I feel empowered and alive. I can shape my life right now. I can find where I want to live. I can… focus where I put my job searching efforts. Something tells me a job will come soon.

Oh, I caught myself up on Naturo… again. Not the comics, but the shows. Lets see… I am having my liver checked out for anything weird. My Bro is coming to pick me up. In order to focus all my classes on two days of the week instead of four I changed Native American Lit to Women’s Lit. Now while there are a broad number of hours that the classes are laid out, it is at least just all in one day.

My shoe smells. I was walking over some grass, and I was walking around a puddle, but my sandal hit wet ground and sunk in. Now my lovely sandal smells like grass fertilizer. It is a good thing I concluded that I would need to wear un-formal shoes with my outfit (because I would be walking a bit). I went into Barnes and Nobles and rinsed my shoes off. I told my story to the Muslim woman beside me. It is not often I get a chance (the courage) to talk to strangers.

I should make a fool of myself more, so I can enjoy that moment where the stranger’s face changes from, “Why are you talking to me.” to “This is actually amusing.”

I just finished seating here for a few minutes with my mind wandering from topic to topic wondering what to write next. The flow of thoughts that usually comes from the simple act of pushing down keys in a pattern has not come.

So I seat here with a tiredness hanging over me… a skirt on my legs and a shirt on my torso, the air conditioning sending goose bumps all over my freshly shaved legs. My swimsuit seats at home (my apartment) with a hot air balloon covered towel, and a brown pair of flip-flops.

I smell I am sure, even if the lady at the counter said otherwise. I feel like partying. The sky is so beautiful. A crow or raven just flew by as I looked up at the massive skylight.

Adios

La la la la

It appears that I have something in my brain that moves without command. Today for example I found myself making the sign of the cross without even thinking of God. Sure it was in a state of nervousness over classes starting up again, but it is not something I am the habit of doing. Yesterday I drove into a shopping center I had convinced myself not to go into. Some people develop involuntary movement on the medications I am on. Is it possible to develop involuntary actions (not the kind known as heart beat)?

There was this feeling the other day. My brain felt tight in a certain area like to parts where pushing together, and then there was a snapping feeling between the parts as if they had broken apart. As soon as it snapped the pressure was gone. I need to go clean up stuff. Ba Bye.

Dreams

Fighting with the feeling that things are boring, that this movie is boring when I am sure I would have loved it in another state. Here I am. This morning… yes it is not afternoon yet. I began contemplating my dreams and how the medication has changed them. Very soon after starting my medication path I begin to dream about people and books and movies that are in my life. I was happy to have dreams I could understand.

When I was a child no matter how much I wanted it I would not dream about say a book like the Lord of the Rings, or later Inu Yasha. In the end I had one dream for each of them. Now that I am on medications for a while I had so many dreams about Sasuke (anime) that I begin to wonder what he meant to me. Now I kind of miss the old dreams.

My old dreams felt deeper. I fell into another world. While now I just barely touch the surface as if I am looking at a reflection of the world of dreams. In a book I read by Robert Jordan (actually quite a few books) sometimes people dreaming could enter into another realm like place. Perhaps it has been so long since I dreamed deeply that it is slowly wearing me out.

It is not just I. People on the medications I am now (at higher doses) complain of dull dreams, plus a dull feeling brain. As for the dull brain, activity takes my focus off of it. So my feeling of boredom is gone. While I do not write as much now in the summer, I have to admit that writing helps me. I guess it is my way of playing chess. Chess is not active enough for my brain even if it is very active for some people.

Writing holds potential for me. I can write the world I can no longer touch. If I could only know how.

Writing is like a knife to fight the boredom, just like entering free sweepstakes gets me doing something during the horrible uneasy feeling. I am training my mind, and every action gets me further from crawling up into a ball in my lazy boy chair.

Many days all in one

Lets just pretend that I woke up at a respectable hour today. After I woke up I took a wonderful shower all the while thinking about anime. It is not always fun to be me. You know, sleeping as much as I do and all.

Yesterday I went to the mall with my brother and we saw the movie 21 in the cheap flicks. Yesterday I was up early to go see my therapist and had caffeine…

**

Another day has passed. It is a cold day. I feel dazed.

**

Another day has passed. My computer hasn’t warmed up yet. There I have finished the last of my grapes. I must… no I cannot. I am festering the longer I go without a job the deeper I sink into this hole. I must…. I didn’t. Okay. Ok. I did it. I fixed up my cover letter and resume and sent it out into the world… again. It is just I get this feeling in my head that I cannot do anything, but the action of applying to the Cat Clinic (which is looking for people) shifted through that feeling a bit.

Sasuke is evil. Just taught I would throw that out there. Ummm. I just got back from going somewhere with one of my sisters… no not that one… or that one. Yes, yes that one. It is about time for facebook!

There Facebook time is over. I have made the decision that I will take Summer Classes (unless a wonderful job falls out of the sky). Less then a week is left between now and classes. I am going to be done soon! Dance Dance Dance. Do Do Do, Do Do Do. Oh, grasshoppers where is the party? My sister is in town. (She was supposed to be here hours ago…) Is it too late to go to coffee shops?

It is not like my time waiting for her was wasted. No, not at all. I moved around the classes I would be taking over the summer. After some review I concluded that I only needed 5 credits to graduate. Yay! However, I still need a job… do do do (the other Do Do Do was light hearted and sounded different).

Oh, yes… I am sure you are getting sick of this, but another day has gone by. I know you are wondering why I don’t just post each day even if it is short (because I appear to be writing it)… I don’t know.

My weight has gotten a little extreme for my small frame. Some people are built in different ways and can handle weight gracefully. Sadly I am not one of those people.

Anyway, I just had a call from a possible job (not the cat clinic) so I will be interviewing on Monday. *Scratches lower eyelid. I really want to work at the cat clinic, but I cannot wait for it.

As I picked out what to wear today I ran across the “I <3 my Body T-shirt, and then in my head I started chanting I love my body, I love my body… yet in reality I do not love my weight. I see the potential in my body.

As I seat here devouring my third big bag of grapes in a week. Before the grapes there were the raspberries and the blueberries and the strawberries. When I went to see my Dr. (not pDoc) I was told to eat more fruit, so here I am consuming happily. I love fruit. Right now Grapes are on sale a lot. They can be so expensive the rest of the year so I am swimming in them. In fact the only one of them that is reasonable the rest of the year are strawberries.

I had a sudden memory of preparing strawberry shortcake (taking out stems and cutting the strawberries up) while watching Camelot in my room on my T.V. This was the T.V. my parents gave me on the Christmas I spent alone. That Christmas I tried watching “Life is Beautiful,” but couldn’t finish much of it, and in the end a cousin of mine (who often called) called and I was glad to talk to someone. Apparently she was alone as well.

What would I say about today if I were looking back at it? I would talk about how I disappeared behind the computer while my sister talked with my sister, and I enjoyed the taste of black grapes. I would talk about my computer, and how it was a requirement of the school I attended and about how happy I was to use it when I first opened it up.

I remember saying in an email to my sister: “When I am drinking espresso I am playing a role like those I have seen on Will and Grace. The role of a hip city…person.” Okay, I am not sure exactly how I put it. It was certainly more eloquent. However, I am not longer playing a role when I drink coffee. I find it hilarious that I equated hip espresso drinking to Will and Grace.

arrivederci (goodbye) and don’t ask me why I used Italian