Math problems and Bipolar disorder

More cats
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Despite the new freedom of my brain it seems like something has been lost. My brother was playing a mind game that I used to be really good at, and for a long time I couldn’t figure out how it worked. I have Rubics magic and I cannot even begin to picture it. I take two parts and try to keep in mind where they are as I fold and fold and I cannot figure it out. Beyond that I had problems with Stats (even if determination saw me through it) which isn’t anything big considering it was a college course, but it seems as if the math side of the brain (left I think) took a big hit. I know that disuse could account for much of it, but the loss is a little more extreme then is convenient.

There I looked it up.
The search was “Bipolar math.”

First hit was “Mental disorder may spur math problems in teens - Bipolar Math Subtractions - bipolar disorders” at Bnet. There appear to be other hits that cover the topic, but here is a quote from the article:

“The onset of math troubles long before exposure to psychoactive medication underscores Kutcher's suspicion that brain changes associated with bipolar illness disturb math reasoning.”

There are a few more studies in the article as well. Please read it so I don’t have to summarize.

This proves that my suspicions are not just in my mind even if the whole problem is in my brain. It is a good thing I didn’t become an engineer, accountant, or any other such math related field. But the quote raises the question, ‘did the changes in my brain make anything else better?’ Perhaps I have to compensate for this loss of math reasoning, and come up with new ways of reasoning. Like when I needed to write to fight my way through the dullness caused by medication, but now my brain is freer (less medication).

It does however make me sad. I was good at math. I was both brained (used the left and right side of my brain). I took a test in middle school that told me that. Now when faced to problems in the math related department I feel stupid.

(Added much later on: My brother says that High School math is hardly a good judge of math ability. Do you agree with him?)

Its been a long time

More Snow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Last night I was thinking ‘profound’ things as I tried to sleep. Quite a while ago my Zyprexa was decreased and I didn’t go crazy. My brain was relieved and thinking became easier. When I focus on how my brain feels now it does not feel dulled. Well maybe a little bit dulled… My parents even told me that my eyes look alive again. (I had been told that my eyes were cloudy a long time ago. I knew that I felt this way, but the comment upset me because there was nothing I could do about it.)

Weeks ago, while sleeping, an old daydream I had popped into my head (from when I was storing up a story even if I never meant to write it.) I had stopped thinking of this daydream years before I even went to college, but I was so happy that it was in my dream. For two days I was caught up in the story. I lived life still, but at every chance my mind was full of fantasy. Then I got bored of this, and I only think about it sporadically.

I wonder sometimes if I am a good enough writer to convey it, but I think that, even if I was, it has been over thought. All the ideas and years would weigh it down taking away a free feeling. Perhaps I would be better off finding something new.

I have been told that I am a good writer, but all I write based in my life. I spend very little time writing any fantasy. As my sister told me, ‘it is not skill that makes my writing good, but that it is filled with fresh ideas.’ Or at least that is how I understood what was said. I have a unique way of saying things as well, but if I added skill maybe that would disappear.

Finally an update on sleep! I have been sleeping much less, but still too much. I was set up to take a sleep study, but my daytime sleepiness wasn’t great enough for insurance to cover it. I tried to explain that I was able to sleep a lot now and that is the reason I wasn’t always sleepy. This kind of thing does not show through on a questionnaire. No sleep study for me.

The concept of a sleep study gave me momentary hope, but when insurance wouldn’t cover it I cried. I was then told that there was a free test that covers two kinds of sleeping disorders, and maybe if I passed/failed I could have the study.

My disorder was not one of the two in the free test. To add onto this the person who recorded my test told me that in no way should I think that I didn’t have a sleeping disorder. There are about 20 sleeping disorders and this only covers two. I shouldn’t be sleeping the amount that I do, and
in the future another Dr. might ask for a sleep study again. Plus, I have the facial features of someone with such a disorder.

After being turned down a weird kind of anger popped up. I thought this is the anger of someone who abuses a wife. (Don’t worry I had no anger to physically hurt anyone.) It scared and confused me that I could feel this way and it was a pretty quiet walk to the door. (The person walked me to the elevator and took me to the right floor.) In the car anger finally turned to tears, and when I was home I had to get on the treadmill to push them away. At night I cried again.

The thought that I could have a sleeping disorder and nothing could be done about it, and that I had already sleep so much of my life away kept me crying for quite a while. I reasoned that I had tried to kill myself so I was in no position to worry about losing so much of my life.

As for the strange anger I want to talk with a therapist about it. It is on the list of things to bring up when I finally have another visit. I think that it is a very human reaction, but what I could become if I reacted this way is not good. I think of it as a sign that I would not be a good girlfriend. Not that my mental and sleep disorders are not enough of a sign on their own. My sister thinks that I, unlike many people, have great kindness, but it seems like she is wrong.

My heart feels sad now. As I also feel bad about not exercising enough to make up for the long time I am inactive (sleeping). Sometimes my body feels like it needs movement. My body wants to run. My legs never agree with that though, and I end up walking uphill.

I (as always) turned a happy post into a sad one, but I haven’t posted in a while so good and bad things add up. I also haven’t had therapy since summer so bare with me. I just wanted you to know.

I never said I was good at poems

Not cats
Originally uploaded by RedTea

In the quiet alone.
Not really quiet
Not really alone.
Two cats
TV
Dishes moving
Doors closing.

Its funny
How many pill bottles
Empty, Well most of them.
How little space
to put things that used to be in one room.
Another room.
Another building.

Manga
invisible,
online.

A book like those in class
No, not the story kind.
it catches interest
in other ways.
By telling the way things are,
The kind to make you think
you are learning,

Already here
were
Old CD’s.
Computer programs,
too old to run
even if I didn’t have
a MAC.

Old keyboard
Old boxes
Old stuff-
ed animals

Little Origami Cranes
made with love
for my sister, from a boy
long ago.

All
Pointless
to keep,
but I do keep

Pointless:
except for the manga,
and the book of expensive thoughts,
and the cranes (made with love),
and the boxes (stuffs inside),
and the quiet room
with cats and noise.

Had this as a draft for some reason

Morning is a wonderful time when you have the time to experience it. All time is wonderful when you are not sleeping it away. I have my clock fixed and the only thing I need to do is to keep it in working order. It is just so easy to go to bed a little later each day.

In many ways I have resigned myself to sleeping beyond a certain point. It gets better. Slowly with less and less medication (un-needed medication) I am gaining hours. Yet once again I have hit a wall.

My wall is as follows:

I cannot handle to much medication because of my liver. At the same time Zyprexa is raising my cholesterol. I cannot get on cholesterol medication because they are bad for the liver. I would like to try other medications to see if I sleep less on them, but the ones available are worse on cholesterol and blood sugar... or stuff like that.

Now that I have been sidetracked to sadder thoughts lets remember how nice the morning is. How the leaves cover the ground and need to be racked up. The crimson king (at least I think it is a crimson king) has leaves that turn yellow. Which reminded me of how much I would like to grow some red maples...

What my desktop looks like

My desktop (very apple based)
Originally uploaded by RedTea

he he he he look at the image. I really have made it with screen capture upon screen capture.

At last a post!

My car has an alarm that goes off all the time. I literally have to disconnect the battery to get it to be quiet. I do not know what happened. This is just a note.

I've read so many manga lately and I am patently waiting for the next installment of many series. I did, however, stop reading Bleach. My brother explained the reason well. In short the manga stopped caring about things like school, and focussed on endless fighting. If I wanted non-stop fighting I'd watch Dragon Ball Z!

Lets see... I'm at my parents house now. The rent is free here. So now that I am out of school I can look for jobs without worrying about rent.

(People who have trouble taking their medication stop here!)

I need a job really really soon, because insurance ended so I had to sign up for a $600 a month one. This upsets me without end. I learned that the Insurance policy had changed and I was bumped off insurance months before expected. At the pharmacy I was... upset.. that not only was I forced into taking the medication (because without it people would put me in a hospital and then charge me for it), but I also would have to pay for it... all my life.

I had a dream last night about a new technology where people could scan the brain to see if a person had Bipolar disorder. In it they scanned my brain and told me I was never Bipolar to begin with and that I had just had a break down (where I was so upset I heard voices).

Don't worry I understand very well that I am ill, but at the same time I want a reason to be able to stop taking the medication. A part of me wants to live as I was 'naturally designed to.' I know that people are naturally designed to have cancer (even if actions can effect this), but mental illness is completely different. It is my thoughts and feelings that are being condemned not cells. Some would say that this illness is completely disconnected from who I am. Yet my personality is also a result of the brain.

It is my personality that I feel changing with medications. Geodon made me seek out a boyfriend, Zoloft made me talk like crazy, and Zyprexa makes me absent-minded. One can say that two of these are a result of me getting better. Ie, I felt better therefore I talked more. No. You do not understand what it is at all. The person who Doctors aim to make me has never existed. I am not afforded the luxury of living as a real person.

These are forbidden thoughts. Why? Because we have been told what to think. We are told this kind of thinking is wrong maybe even paranoid. A long list has been prepared to answer this kind of thought. Kind of like a computer program where you input what is on your mind. Not even a very complex program.

Yet don't you see how perfectly it has been designed? Lest someone good off the medication it is written that each manic or depressive episode is worse and makes the next more likely. I was trapped from the moment I became something others do not accept.

Do you like my cat?

Do you like my cat?
Originally uploaded by RedTea

awake,
like others.
awake,
I ponder the word.
wish I where
awake
too much,
not too little,
but I do not wish mania
if only I only needed one hour
like those blessed few
I wish I could cast off
this un-awakeness.

awake
as if power of the word
could cast it off
like writing turns on focus,
fights.
my way of fighting

and as I stretch my mouth
breathing deeply
yet I still try
I have to try
because the un-awakeness
does not turn away.

someday I can be awake again
when new medication
when, when…
someday

no longer bitter
calm I accept
the time I have to wait
because so long I have had to wait.

so you have more
time
for life
I have more
time
for un-awakeness
my body just doesn’t
want to be up
it wants the comfort,
and vaguely I think I should be up
that there are parks and sunlight,
coffee shops.
videos.
stuff.

someday I can be awake again
there will be better medication…
somewhere over the rainbow