Noon Winks Café.

Red leather chairs, orang’ish floors and walls with a hint of red and purple all muted.  A little energy from Ow-la-la espresso at a coffee shop on Plymouth out by the Humane Society. Sadly I dressed up so I couldn’t go walk dogs. What was I thinking? Oh and my hair, who cares it is not that messed up. I will not get out here any time soon (dressed up) so I will ask if they have any job… what am I thinking… deep breath. I need not be intimidated by the seriousness of a job there. I need to get a serious job.

Do I really want to go ask for a job at the Humane Society? I am sure I would need up cleaning… not that this matters. I would have to watch countless dogs and cats that I love come and go. I would have to stand by the killing. No, this is not a job for the mentally ill. Yet I need a job… I need a job.

It would be a job of hardship and joy unlike many boring jobs out there. I will go now. Well, there is no cup holder in my car… so I will go after my drink is done.

You see it is about time I start to expand my search for jobs, and I had thought about the Humane Society from the beginning and will continue to unless I walk in there today and ask.

What do you think the cost of gas is between my apartment and the Humane Society? I am not thinking of this because of a job alone, but because I need to exercise and why not walk dogs while doing it. Lets see. I have to face this question. Lets ‘mapquest’ the two places and see the distance between. Five miles driving. Ahhh now I need the gas mileage and I cannot find it!

I give up for now… I know I’ve seen charts with average gas mileage for different cars and different years many times. Oh well. Sigh.

At least I know now that I take the best route to the Humane Society. Chug, Chug, Chug. I cannot have alcohol, but I can have caffeine. Thank God for caffeine. There are moments in my life when I stop to think… only God could have made this. Coffee is one of those things.

***

My head is in a weird state right now. Perhaps it was from the heat in the car. I opened the windows after a while, but was so focused on the road that I forgot it at first. I am trying to draw a map in my head. Really I spent the last ‘who knows how many' minutes’ staring at Google maps. I matched the map in front of me with the map in my head.

Now the only thing to see is if it will take me somewhere… what… watch I will do more map studying. You know for that day when we all have hybrid (or whatever cars) and can therefore travel cheaply like people did in the past. I need to know my way around! Ahhh! Detroit (and the area around it) is just too much. So many roads! So confusing. Sigh.

The sun continues to shine

The most important news (so it gets to be at top) is that I am feeling wonderfully better. Sure I can still sleep a looong time, but when I am awake my brain doesn’t feel like it is sleeping…. well it does a little bit now, but it is morning, and I haven’t had any caffeine at all. No running, or swimming, or laughter, to weak me up.

I am going to see a new therapist (finally). I figured after so long I should dress up a little. Thankfully that last therapist wasn’t mine, she was so young. She looked like she was still in college. I think it would be hard to be a young therapist.

Ahh, my paranoid nature has finally gotten to me. I feel as if the woman next to me is reading what I write. Schizoaffective Bipolar is stupid like that. Anyway.

I looked up an old friend, but I do not know her email address, and I would feel weird calling her… “Oh hi! It’s me! Did you know I’m Bipolar?” I have Bipolar disorder I should say.

Every now and then when biting into a blueberry I can taste the earth. That taste I experienced as a child when I ate some grass to see what it tasted like. At other times I ate clovers. I was never very good at finding four leaf clovers. I would stare at a big pile of clover searching in vein. I am not sure if I ever did find one.

Today in mass it was the time of year where the Church asks out for people who are called by God to become Priests and Nuns and other such stuff. I looked up at the Priest and rolled around in my head the idea that I could never become what he was. Why, because I was female. I grow up looking up to my parish Priests who seemed like Saints in my young eyes.

Then I thought, “The Church believes that sex (not gender sex) for any other reason then for having a baby is a sin. I do not plan on having a baby. The costs are too high, so if I where to stick with my faith there would be no reason for me to ever get married. It would be cruel and impossible… if I were to stick with what I was taught.”

lol… sigh.

So here I am. It is the next day. My black bulky bookbag rests at the side of my chair; a sliver (yes the silver kind) laptop is placed on two legs covered in a rose printed skirt. A classy rose printed skirt that I liked so much when I was younger that I bought it and figured I could pen it even if it was many sizes too big. Now it fits perfectly.

Medication and depression can take there told one ones health. Causing me not only to gain weight, but also to fall into a triangle. The level of medication I am on causes me liver problems and was therefore Zoloft was decreased. Yet Zyprexa causes high blood sugar and bad cholesterol. Any medications for cholesterol are hard on the liver. So exercise is the only answer, but as much as I would like to just spend time walking in the park I cannot bring myself to do it until I get a job.

What kind of dance is this? I have heard of the Dance of Anger (book), but this is the Dance of Body and Bipolar I guess. What is more important my happiness or my heart? I know I need to get exercising because before the summer I would walk into class every weekday, and now… now I do nothing of the sort.

I’m reading… listening to the book, “The Mermaid Chair,” so if you don’t want an obvious spoiler skip this paragraph. Hearing about a married woman and a monk (who thankfully hasn’t taken his vow of celibacy yet) made me cringe in a way that reading it never would have.

In the book I am at a stand point where I do not want to go on, not because it is poorly written, or a bad story, but because… I am not sure why. So I am giving it a short rest.

Mary hat a little cat...or two

Mary hat a little cat...or two
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Once again I am up at 7 a.m. It was a little harder to get up today. I was in a state where I couldn’t move, and I didn’t know what time it was so I tried to get up, but no luck. Finally a song from an Anime popped into my head, “Stray. No regrets because I’ve got nothing to lose. Stray. So I’m going to live my life as I choose.” Suddenly I had full energy to get up so here I am.

If you are just popping in to this blog you might not understand how wonderful it is for me to be up after… 8.5-9 hours of sleep after the day before having 8 hours of sleep. There was a point in my life… my journey of medications that I would sleep 16 hours, and there was a time or two that I sleep two days.

Yet here I am. It is strange how somehow things feel like they are coming together. I am able to post and do horrible artwork (it has been a while). It is like a renewal, but renewed from what? I guess I have to admit that I lagged for a few weeks there. My sleeping increased and my job hunting decreased. Yet now with the possibility of this library job my hopes are up… let me check a few places again.

My hands have all these little sore spots… it is as if I was in a battle. Well, I guess not that many and most are just reddish little spots that are not tender. Oh, well.

It is too early in the morning to do anything yet. I am very poor… I think I will go pay the energy bill… Good all bills are paid now. Happy Dance. Where do you think my sister stored the espresso machine? Wait I am out of milk…sigh.

My Mother is taking me to see my Doctor where I will have my circulation in my hands and legs checked. Always-good fun! I do not know why always and good have to be connected, but hey, why not?

Happy Furby Dance. I love mornings when I manage to get up. It is the air, and the amount of cars, and the songs that the birds sing in the morning. How the light is so gentle and sometimes the grass is wet. Break from writing time!

Little Boy Meow

Little Boy Meow
Originally uploaded by RedTea

After finding a package of two White Castle cheeseburgers in a vending machine I seen found something to eat. Healthy day I know. I am sad that I have to look forward to driving back to my apartment. I am still getting used to driving again, and the light did not have a no-turn on red sign. When the other cars stopped coming I thought it was safe to turn, but I didn’t realize that first the left turn lane was going to go.

So in a panic I drove up onto the curb… and I am afraid that I might have somehow hurt the car. Let alone I am a horrible stupid driver who now knows one more rule. I don’t even think they taught me the whole “When there is a light for a left turn.” thing in drivers training. What do you think it would cost to go through it again? Sigh. You see the whole time I was in college I didn’t drive. That is four years, plus I just barely drove enough to get through drivers training to begin with.

I am such a hopeless driver. I need someone to drive along side me and tell me these things, but there is no one with the time. Therefore when I need to get to my Support Group and my Mom is not coming into town I need to drive… alone.

You know before I started driving I was going through the route in my head thinking, “There is nowhere that I can make a mistake. I will avoid as much of the hard part as possible.” Sigh. I have to drive back after the Support Group. My head is getting tired. I would go to sleep if I could…maybe. Why? Why am I so sleepy so easily?

Sometimes I have this feeling of what it was like to be in the Mental Hospital the second time, and I want to go back there. It is everything from the people to the endless amount of food and caffeine-free pop.

It was a dangerous time when I was at the Mental Hospital, there was a person who had been there lots of times and had never seen anything like it. I can talk about this stuff because unlike the Support Group it is not confidential. One person grabbed a chair and hit the wall, and required at least two shots of Geodon to go to sleep. Another went crazy attacking a door, and required some medication to calm down. He was put in the safe room where he made as much of a mess as he would. There was this lady that had burned down her house, and tried to run over her husband (because he wouldn’t move out of the way.)

After the Hospital I went to a little half-day therapy thingy. Once again there was good food proved. (If you haven’t guessed I like the sort of food hospitals have.) Yet this time it was slightly different food… still good fun. What was most important was that everyone was together not to work, or party, but to support one another. It was like Kindergarten in a way. Oh, my the more I think about it the more I want to go back, but this kind of thing is for people in special need. It is totally different then therapy.

I am wondering now why I am lightheaded. So tired and for a few seconds dizzy. I guess it was too much memory. Perhaps there is something there my brain doesn’t want me to remember. All better now.

Oh… would someone help me? Patience. I was able to get up after 8 hours of sleep, and last week I had two days in a row like this.

Once your moods have stabilized and you are no longer at the whims of chance and medication you can take a step back and wait for your body to react to changes. Whereas before you were so caught up in moods that there was no possibility of stepping back.

That’s what I need to tell myself.

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Another day, another cat

It is obviously a knock on wood day. I woke up after only 8 hours of sleep. I am such an early bird. Meaning I got up at 7 am.

I started having a dream about my High School, and then my family started to pop up. One of my classmates confessed that they feel horrible because they once stole money from someone’s locker, and they were told to follow the tradition. The tradition in this situation (according to the dream) was to get a sponge and rub it under the person’s nose and then give them the money back.

My brother W. said, “Don’t do it. You will get sued.” At which point I turned to the person next to me and said, “My brother is crazy.” Then all my family started showing up and the voice of my niece (I thought at the time) woke me up. It was a young girl talking outside.

I’ve been having more knock on wood days lately. Does this mean I am getting better? Now that I have a loft I follow the, “Don’t do active stuff in bed.” rule. I used to have a little back support thingy and use my bed as a chair even if I already had a chair.

Hmm. If I move somewhere I am going to need the closet space…

I just finished looking around at apartments, but I need to find out if I get the big ‘ger’ job first. Even then who knows which of the branches I could be working at.

My head almost feels normal after having some caffeine. I can fight the feeling in my brain. I can change the feeling, but it doesn’t quite go away. It is a bit like meditation I imagine that it would take years for someone else to develop this awareness of brain feelings It was the simple shift of feelings from day to day things like caffeine on my sensitive brain that taught me.

I am listening to an audio book as I write, but I am not taking it in. It is like music.

I was so hungry I had to stop and get some food, but they were out of real food so I settled for a Musketeer and Pop (soda). Guess what kind of Pop… the forbidden kind because it is summer I have to push the limits. Anyway, I haven’t had the forbidden kind in so long that I couldn’t resist. Well I could have resisted, but that is beyond the point.

Here is to the job at the library. Chug. If I get it I will be most happy, and I will not have to feel guilty about wasting time on this posting and other stuff. Tomorrow I see my Doctor. I think I should sign up to see my pDoc soon too…. how long has it been?

Short post-

So I was looking at the manga Deathnote again, but I wasn’t reading it. I was looking at how the main character’s eyes changed from the beginning to end. And I looked at his hair and I looked at the other characters eyes. Then I had to start drawing eyes, and then I started drawing cats… and then I scanned in some old (out of copyright) photos of cats.

I cannot seem to write right now. My mind is in another mood and I have to follow it. It is getting kind of late and I will need sleep soon. I had a wonderful dinner of Ramen, rice, and eggs and finished off all my Calder Dairy milk. I should get going now… ta ta