The sun continues to shine

The most important news (so it gets to be at top) is that I am feeling wonderfully better. Sure I can still sleep a looong time, but when I am awake my brain doesn’t feel like it is sleeping…. well it does a little bit now, but it is morning, and I haven’t had any caffeine at all. No running, or swimming, or laughter, to weak me up.

I am going to see a new therapist (finally). I figured after so long I should dress up a little. Thankfully that last therapist wasn’t mine, she was so young. She looked like she was still in college. I think it would be hard to be a young therapist.

Ahh, my paranoid nature has finally gotten to me. I feel as if the woman next to me is reading what I write. Schizoaffective Bipolar is stupid like that. Anyway.

I looked up an old friend, but I do not know her email address, and I would feel weird calling her… “Oh hi! It’s me! Did you know I’m Bipolar?” I have Bipolar disorder I should say.

Every now and then when biting into a blueberry I can taste the earth. That taste I experienced as a child when I ate some grass to see what it tasted like. At other times I ate clovers. I was never very good at finding four leaf clovers. I would stare at a big pile of clover searching in vein. I am not sure if I ever did find one.

Today in mass it was the time of year where the Church asks out for people who are called by God to become Priests and Nuns and other such stuff. I looked up at the Priest and rolled around in my head the idea that I could never become what he was. Why, because I was female. I grow up looking up to my parish Priests who seemed like Saints in my young eyes.

Then I thought, “The Church believes that sex (not gender sex) for any other reason then for having a baby is a sin. I do not plan on having a baby. The costs are too high, so if I where to stick with my faith there would be no reason for me to ever get married. It would be cruel and impossible… if I were to stick with what I was taught.”

lol… sigh.

So here I am. It is the next day. My black bulky bookbag rests at the side of my chair; a sliver (yes the silver kind) laptop is placed on two legs covered in a rose printed skirt. A classy rose printed skirt that I liked so much when I was younger that I bought it and figured I could pen it even if it was many sizes too big. Now it fits perfectly.

Medication and depression can take there told one ones health. Causing me not only to gain weight, but also to fall into a triangle. The level of medication I am on causes me liver problems and was therefore Zoloft was decreased. Yet Zyprexa causes high blood sugar and bad cholesterol. Any medications for cholesterol are hard on the liver. So exercise is the only answer, but as much as I would like to just spend time walking in the park I cannot bring myself to do it until I get a job.

What kind of dance is this? I have heard of the Dance of Anger (book), but this is the Dance of Body and Bipolar I guess. What is more important my happiness or my heart? I know I need to get exercising because before the summer I would walk into class every weekday, and now… now I do nothing of the sort.

I’m reading… listening to the book, “The Mermaid Chair,” so if you don’t want an obvious spoiler skip this paragraph. Hearing about a married woman and a monk (who thankfully hasn’t taken his vow of celibacy yet) made me cringe in a way that reading it never would have.

In the book I am at a stand point where I do not want to go on, not because it is poorly written, or a bad story, but because… I am not sure why. So I am giving it a short rest.