In a coffee shop

Today I was saved by the headache. The Prof canceled class due to a headache. I wasn’t prepared for class, and it was a class that requires participation. I thought I would have to explain to my Prof. that I wasn’t lazy, I was planning on waking up early to finish more of the reading, but had trouble sleeping.

Yes last night my head was sleepy, my eyes tired of reading, but I could not sleep for quite a while.

Anyway, I had four hours of sleep, and my doctor says if I cannot sleep that I must MUST sleep in, but this is where life and sickness rub up against each other. Just like wanting a job and sleeping so much are toxic. School is taking up so much of my time. I thought 5 credits would be a push over, but it is so condensed (because summer course are shorter) that I have to spend more time then planned. So aside from DBT. (Dialectical behavioral therapy and sleep I spent all day reading yesterday. :(

On Fridays I find my brain unable to focus at all. I like this medication combination in that I don’t want to kill myself, but if I am not hard pressed to finish reading my mind wonders and I have to read the same thing over and over again. “What does that mean?” “I don’t know what this sentence is saying!” It just doesn’t register in my mind. I have to take things slowly until somehow my brain switches on, and all that cloudiness disappears, and I can read with the same retention as I did before medications.

It just takes so long to get to that point. When I was younger I recognized this point in reading as the point where the voice in your head disappears and you are drawn into the story. Back then it was very quickly that I was pulled in and the reality that this is a book, and I am just reading faded into the background. Who would have thought that I would have to work so hard to regain this, but I am sure that if I continue to read it will become easier to fight through the medication.

Even if I have brain medication I am able to write, so of course I will some day regain focus? What I am doing now takes focus, but I guess the flow from topic to topic in my head makes it easier to keep on writing and not get trapped in a corner.

Gamine. Gamine is a strange word (my eye drifted to the word of the day on google). I’m going to have to get moving soon. Off to class.

a post that has been hanging out on my laptop

Going through the levels of the world of the dead. Traveling on an elevator filled with sickening things we moved slowly upward. We came across many demons, a family of sorts. We started the quest of looking for the beard of Sesshomaru-sama. It would appear that someone had been posing as Sesshomaru-sama and had stolen the beard from its rightful heir.

We started out explaining to this person about what the real Sesshomaru-sama looked like through a children’s book where he was drawn partially in reflecting metal…

Lets just leave my dreams last night at that. It was a mixture of three anime, but I cannot remember exactly all the details. A vague idea rests in my head that I cannot pull out into words. I was important somehow. Protecting something.

Oh Kagome. Now that I know what happens in the ending (of Inuyasha) though the wonders of translators and websites that revel the ending (of the manga) long before the manga will be officially translated and released in America. Ku ku ku ku. (evil laughter)

It is complete. After all these years I finally know. Lets just say I started the Series before I was a Senior in High School and I ended in when I was about to be done with college. There was a huge gap in between finishing the TV series (online in the form of SUB((titles))) and going back and reading the last of the manga.

So even with my cheating (ku ku ku) it took so so very long. Soon is a relative term. So to some it would seem that I completed the series very soon after starting it, but it did not seem that way to me. Only recently has my viewpoint of time been altered by the time it take for medications to work.

Oh my liver x-ray thingy turned out fine. I have no stones or anything. It is just that the lab results are complaining. It almost feels like my body is hiding everything when it gets checked up, but thank God it cannot hide from lab results. Or can it?

Hey that is a nice house. (Across the street.) I never noticed it before.

Stupid body. Belly too big. Lies to Doctors. Come on body tell the Dr. that you haven’t had a period for a long time… and there is no way you have a baby in your tummy (Thank God, after this long the baby would be hurt by my medications beyond repair!).

So I was going to do so much today… so very much, but I got busy… sleeping. Ku ku ku ku. So I slept and dreamed and woke up, looked at the clock, slept some more, and… I wish upon a star that someday without tiredness or mental instability I will be able to sleep 8 hours a night. That way I will have more life to live and less life to sleep.

Thursday is the day... like any other day

Here I am. I wasted more $$ on coffee. It was automatic. I needed to buy admission into some place to seat and read (for class). I am glad I was able to get it done. I will not say what I was forced to read, but I will say it was hard to drink and also focus on reading it. Eating would have been too big of a task for me.

So here I am. I heard a song Kermit the Frog sings as part of the background music. “Some day we’ll find it. The rainbow connection…etc” I had to stop reading and listen to this women singing this song. I was trying to pick up on the lyrics that I had never managed to memorize as a kid. On the playground I remember spending one recess all to myself on a swing silently singing this song over, and over.

I am kind of rolling around trying to figure out what to write next. I had some ideas, but I keep on thinking, “That doesn’t sound right.” Particularly I feel better, but have been suffering from restlessness lately. I am inside side the border of boredom that makes it harder for me to focus. My thoughts are just not flowing. I stop for seconds between sentences, look up at the sunny world, and the feel goodness of it all.

I in no way mean that I am not tired. During my morning class I just wanted to sleep, but now my drink has woken me up a little. I realized that last time I asked for a refill on Zyprexa I asked for the wrong dosage. I was reduced to 7.5 mg, and I forgot and asked for 10 mg. I used to be on 20 mg. This will definitely effect my blood tests. Boo who.

Oh! Another cute doggy. If you think of it, dogs of homeless people might get a lot more attention (but no medical care) then your average puppy. I think about the homeless sometimes. I could never afford to be homeless. Yet, in one of my states of mind I thought about how freeing it could be to not have live according to the system. I wondered how boring it would be to stand in the same spot every day.

Cute little, little girl. Plus the Mommy has a baby in her tummy. I haven’t seen a child that young (outside of mass) in a long, long time. Ahhh, another! Attack of the children and Mommies with baby tummies.

Sigh. What happens when I stop just running into people I know? When so many people (from college) have moved away that I no longer have that little joy. It is the chief ‘I am cool’ reminder. It is something beyond computers (and its Friends count, or cold AIM), something that can never be reached by computers.

So… bye for the day

On a Tuesday at a coffee shop

Some fruits absorb water like crazy when you raise them off. (ie Strawberries) Ohhhh… my head is dizzy-like. I am tired. Want sleep. Noooo! It is too early for sleep. Want sleep. OH oh oh woe woe. Must focus on other stuff.

Okay, ok. It is the next day. Last night after writing the above I watched Naruto and then wondered into bed where I in a sleepy slumber attempted to sleep. Tossing and turning, wondering how I could be so tired and not be asleep yet I slowly disappeared. I found myself dreaming about missing the bus and then handing out Christmas gifts (in particular saying some Jewish saying I cannot remember).

An annoying alarm woke me up. I wanted to just turn it off and go back to sleep. My mind thought that it was the wrong day to be up at this time, but I also knew that it is the right day.

So I went off to class. I felt stupid in class. The stupidest I have felt in any class since Elementary. (I am not used to feeling stupid.) Something about the atmosphere.

I volunteered at the Humane Society on Monday. Much fun as always… I couldn’t walk dogs because they had changed the policies so much I need retraining. So I ended up petting cats until I ran into a sick one that sneezed all over me. After which (for the sake of not spreading the sickness) I was forced to cut my cat comforting short, and find something else to do with my time.

Ideas
1) Portable Solar Panels (that can fold up and safely fit in a book bag.) to use with computers that have non-glare screens. A day with your computer at the park.

2) Online website where you can sponsor real animals! (Inspired by Neopets, lol)You go through pictures of animals, decide ‘this is the one for me,’ and oversee its care.

3) I know there was a third one somewhere… I’ve forgotten it. I know it was better then number 2… oh, no…cannot remember it, but I will go back to an old idea. A website to gloat about volunteering. The more you volunteer the higher your rank. Yet volunteers might be the kind of people who could be targeted on the Internet and might be more welling to for example… meet someone who they think is a fellow volunteer?

Good day!

Meow

It appears that my medication trails are at a stalemate. My liver cannot handle much (apparently) and I am told that the anti-psychotics I haven’t tried raise cholesterol and blood sugar more then Zyprexa. Plus cause more weight gain.

So I have to wait until the solution is created… (ie better medications come out, and are readily accessible)

*People who have trouble taking medications please stop reading this post*

Right now the solution to psychosis feels to me like it is just putting that part of my brain to sleep. I have to wait until scientists come up with a better solution… I just a vision of someone opening up a scull to put in a device that regulates chemicals (As a moderator in a support group said some people were researching.). Somehow this upset me. Picturing a machine controlling the workings of my mind, but then again how is it different from medications?

I am a lab rat. What is learned through me (and other people with mental disorders) is the most dangerous of dangerousness. Splitting the atom did not seem to be a bad idea. Making sure every brain is perfectly oiled (like a brain new car!) so there is no suffering (at least among the rich) will change society. That change is exactly what I am afraid of.

I was born with a brain so creative it was unstable. No creative is the wrong word. The term ‘creative’ is a cop-out.

I was born with a thick wall between others understanding me, and well… myself. My family never questioned. Accepting my ‘weirdness’ completely. Yet I was not as lenient as my family. I straggled with language all my life… some would say I was of the ‘artistic’ mind, but no I am (or was) both brained (right and left).

I became creative because I had to adapt to a world that I somehow did not fit in with. So I wasn’t born creative, but different and from this difference came my instability. I was able to survive (maintaining my life stability) with a mental illness for 20 years. You want to know something? That school year up until the very end I was sleeping a good 8 hours. Even though I was in college. I went to bed at the same time and woke up at the same time.

What am I saying? My sanity broke apart more at that time then ever before and that is what lead me to stay up. Throughout the year, in little bits it would show itself (my underlying insanity). And it came out in ways that I find strangely familiar to other family members (one was on medication for a while, but stopped).

Before the 4th

This green tea is so weak now that I am used to Matcha. Sigh. I wonder if I will be doing anything for the 4th. I know I will get on AIM! I guess my sis is working hard… or on lunch.

I haven’t had my time of month for a long time now. I feel like it is never coming again, but that cannot be so… or at least my hormones would be really messed up if it didn’t come back. I didn’t think to mark the last time I had it, but around the time of my last Doc appointment (the 12 of June... that cannot be right as that was less then a month ago.) a) I was thinking that it had been an extra long time since my last period… I thought it was due to the decrease in Zoloft, but I am not so sure anymore.

All I know is that it is a sign that I am very unhealthy at the moment, but like always I deal with things with patience. I am patiently getting more and more unhealthy. :) Anyway, I like how I feel right now. Thanx caffeine in the morning. Thanx Fish oil in the morning. Thankx. I feel not tired, and my brain does not feel dull, but almost normal.

I… so much has changed. I wonder if my eyes spackle yet. My Dad said my eyes look duller then they used to. The other day we were talking about a poem where this dude has this extreme religious experience (if it were real it would have been called a hallucination) and this dude says that this sailor had seen so much hard stuff sailing that he didn’t believe that his eyes could glisten. Picturing my religious experience while I was in the mental hospital I asked, “Do my eyes glisten?” I wanted an answer, but everyone just laughed.

I wonder why my Doc. hasn’t called me yet. On last Fri I had my liver scanned, and I was told that I would get an answer in two days. Now it has been almost a week. Do you think there is something, and they are getting a second opinion, or maybe something so bad they want to wait until after the holiday to tell me! Nah, I am sure it was so unimportant that my Doc. just forgot to call, or is too busy to bother just yet.

I would call but my phone went from three bars to out of all power in a matter of seconds. Three bars is full energy. So my conversation with my Mom was cut short. Still before my battery died I learned that she has not heard from the Doc.

It doesn’t matter what the Doc. says, I know that my body has been saying, bo who, for a long time now, and the Doc’s don’t see it at all. They think it is just medication, and even then the changes are very slight. ‘Your liver is bad so we will decrease this, and how about this.’ I cannot believe that my legs and feet are fine, but whatever.

As for how much I sleep: my Doc says it is the medication, while my pDoc says she is more glad to hear that I am sleeping more then average, and not less. I wonder if my sleeping problem has nothing to do with my medication, but my Doc tells me that one of my medications is used to help elderly patients sleep in the nursing home. Poor elderly people, I would not wish such extreme medication on anyone.

La la la -- a Year of Happiness

The fan spins as two cats two cats stare at me. Yes I am at home, home. Where my cats stare at me to let them inside once they are bored of being outside for so long.

I could talk about my mind again, but what is the point? Instead I will talk about lucky dogs. I hear barking outside… I saw many sad dogs on T.V. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the happy dogs I know.

Have you ever meet someone who radiated goodness? I was in a study today, and the person giving me the exam was my age, book bag and all. Well a little bit older. I liked him right away, which is probably a good thing… why did I write ‘good thing’ when I thought ‘bad thing?’

No he was really nice and I think he liked a little me too, but maybe I am wrong and he just liked that I was in a study. Maybe he understood the illness and respected me for continuing in college, etc. Yet it makes no difference now. I will never see him again. I can picture it right now, me saying umm, can I have your number and him explaining about professionalism… sigh. He even carried around a book bag, like me.

It makes me want to try finding someone again, but without the insane drive Geodon gave me. Geodon made me NEED to have a boyfriend. Anyway I have to get back to reading.

Between evaluations we talked about things like degrees and jobs and liking science, but not math (much). I told him about what my science teacher told me, “You are too smart to be an artist. You should be a veterinarian.” I was surprised that he didn’t find this statement funny. Instead he said, “Well maybe you should be. You want to work with animals don’t you?” It took a while for him to catch on and say, “Well the arts are good too.” Yet something told me that he didn’t quite respect the arts like he would a veterinarian.

Despite almost failing my own evaluation, he was still a good person.

Another few days has passed. I feel good today. Yes, very good. I just realized it. Good thing I wasted my money on Starbucks from a vending machine today.

I finished Frankenstein for a class today. Near the end I actually started to cry. Poor monster, if only your creator had taught you morals. I think it was a revolutionary book for its day. It illustrates the ‘Nature vs Nurture’ theory. The creator takes one look at the monster thinks he is wrenched (and so does everyone else). Yet, was the monster really a monster or was it society that made him such (This is a question in class?)

I know my opinion on the subject, but would others see things my way back when the story was written in 1818?

It is easy to look at Frankenstein as Fiction, but does not our society have its monsters who only became wretches because society? The other week I hear someone on the radio who was outraged because the Supreme Court decided against the death penalty for a very, very evil horrible crime. Yet it is not the sort of crime that can be stopped if the criminal thinks he will die because of it. It is the sickest kind of crime, and no one does it thinking they will get caught. Well... some might even hope they do get caught and killed.

I only kill mosquitoes… maybe I should became a vegetarian again to make the… no I should only eat meat rarely, because it would only come from happy animals and therefore rightfully cost more. O.K. as of July 3, 2008 I will only eat meat that 1) I have already brought before that date or 2) Came from well cared for animals.